Showing *too much interest* :o -- Oops?!

[nimisaj]

Looking back on previous experiences, I think I may have given off some eager vibes... do you think this is really a problem that happens to everyone?

 

Do you think we all, sometime or another, become so infatuated or just desperate or something; and thus we show too much interest? (An extra email here or there - a phone call in the morning *and* the next day - etc...)

 

I guess I'm not looking for book suggestions like "He's Just Not That..." etc. I read it! It's just that I want to read of any stories... or see if anyone can relate to showing too much interest in someone at one point in their life...?

 

Hope everyone has a safe and relaxing weekend!

[Salicia]

Yes it has happened. I met this guy when I first started college and we had a lot of things in common with each other but I didn't want to start a romantic type of relationship with him. He on the other hand wanted to start a romantic relationship with me so one day when we caught up with each other about life, I happen to tell him about an internship that I obtained with a federal job. He was so delighted and excited for me and but I became scared because of his feelings. We were both sitting down at the time and I just wanted to get up and leave. When I finally got the chance to get up, he beat me to it, got up and still kept talking to me and that's when it happened. While he was talking, my eyes were still fixated on the original spot where he sat so when he did stand up, my eyes landed below his belt. I was so embarassed and there was actually a distinct pause. I didn't even mean to have my eyes right there but they were and he saw me do it. The next time we met afterward, he was so fixated on what I did that he decided to wear tighter pants than he normally did for me to notice. I really wanted to shoot myself afterwards.

[empathetic]

I guess in a general sense, most people have trouble curbing their enthusiasm. It's only natural, if you find someone you really like being with you want to see/talk to them all the time. But I find this quickly has negative effects such as, seeming too needy and getting bored early in the relationship. I think people should de-serious dating by not contacting the person everyday. This helps you to know if you're really excited about dating that person or if you're excited about dating for the sake of dating.

[COtuner]

Looking back on previous experiences, I think I may have given off some eager vibes... do you think this is really a problem that happens to everyone?

 

Do you think we all, sometime or another, become so infatuated or just desperate or something; and thus we show too much interest? (An extra email here or there - a phone call in the morning *and* the next day - etc...)

 

I guess I'm not looking for book suggestions like "He's Just Not That..." etc. I read it! It's just that I want to read of any stories... or see if anyone can relate to showing too much interest in someone at one point in their life...?

 

Hope everyone has a safe and relaxing weekend!

 

 

 

Oh totally guilty of this. I have to rely on friends to restrain me, LOL

[mrvaughn]

I was actually going to start a thread about this as i've been really caught up in my own mind about a situation with a girl.

 

We worked together (we were mates too). She was going to break up with her bf of six years. I said that I had liked her for a while & that maybe we should get together. She said she liked me too & seemed keen on it, but asked me to be patient and to give her time as she recently got her young son back (she had previously trusted to tell me that she had been taken advantage of at 16 & had a son, but it was then cared for by her aunt), so now she had him back, he came first.

 

Shortly after this she got re-deployed to another office down the street & we mainly communicated through e-mail. Our chat was great until I would steer the convo to talk of 'us'. It was OK when she wanted to talk about it, but when I did she would ask me to 'stop going on about it' or stop 'pestering her'. Obviously I felt that I was getting mixed signals, i figured that she had changed her mind or was keeping me on the back burner in case the bf was the one thinking of splitting with her.

 

We'd be chatting away no probs as we always did & i ended up mentioning it a lot to the point of obsession. I came accross pretty deperate, but I couldn't stop thinking about it coz I had actually fallen for her a while before. She was telling me to 'be patient' and 'let me do this in my own time', but instincts were telling me that something wasn't right & I kept at it, writing long winded e-mails until she told me I had 'pushed her away'.

 

Thing is...she did lie...she doesn't have a kid at all. It's not true so I was right not to trust her. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad bcoz it was those instincts that made me be obsessive about it, but even now when I think about it, I cringe that I ended up that way...just because i was sooo obsessive about it all...That regardless of how she was behaving, why didn't I just leave it alone & let things happen naturally?

 

I mean even if she did leave the bf for me, I'd just be his replacement & she could do the same thing to me (the way we were in work was beyond flirtation. We were that way for 2 years & our colleagues have since said they thought we were sleeping together already. We never did though). Even without the lies, i'd never be able to trust her knowing the way she acted around me me. If we did get together, knowing that she could be that way with another guy at work behind my back, or thinking that she may have my 'replacement' waiting in the wings would be too much for me & make for a toxic relationship.

 

But for some reason...her opinion of me still matters. Her knowing that I was that way really bothers me & I can't figure out why...maybe it's because I know how OTT I was and i'm so embarrased about it.

 

It's all had a really bad effect on me. I was never like this before Am I nuts to feel this way?

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

Man I feel like you are describing my situation minus the kid so to speak. I mean the details are not exactly the same but I have a similar situation with this girl.

 

We are totally into each other and I’m sure everyone around us can see it. There is another guy in the picture and sometimes she seems upset with him and sometimes she talks like they are really moving things forward with each other.

 

I wouldn’t be surprised if people think we are sleeping together but we are not. She recently mentioned something that makes it sound like they are about to take a big step forward.

 

The thing I can’t figure out is why she pays so much attention to me if she has this great guy in her life and isn’t open to cheating or getting with someone else.

 

She has always acted like she finds me attractive and we almost literally can’t stay away from each other.

 

I can’t say she has lied to me yet because I have not caught her in a lie yet. I do wonder if I am her plan B though because she obviously isn’t ready to call it quits with the other guy but she won’t back off of me either.

 

She is really excessively and unexplainably friendly with me. I say that because she has been that way towards me since we met and does not seem to be quite the same way towards anyone else that I can see. How can you care that much about someone you barely know unless you have romantic feelings towards them?

 

But she is careful not to say too much to me or do too much. We’re very close and we express a lot of affection for each other. But I am careful not to try to go too far and she seems careful about not saying or doing anything so obvious that her feelings would be undeniable.

 

It’s very frustrating for me because the more we are together the more I want her. Yet I feel I can’t do anything about it because of the other guy. I keep hoping she will initiate something with me or have the decency to back off and not be so friendly with me.

 

I’ve tried slowing down with her but she makes it really hard to do. If I start to pull back it seems to make her reach for me more. I feel like it’s a horribly unfair situation for me because I can’t get over her and move on as long as she keeps making me think there is an option there.

[mrvaughn]

I'm sorry to say it, but even though she undoubtly is attracted to and likes you, she may be using you for attention without realising she's hurting you by doing so (or even knowing she is doing it)

 

Your situation does sound very like mine. We were best mates, all over each other & had a great time when together. When we were in a room, we'd only see each other, if you know what i mean.

 

I think you should be honest & tell her that her behaviour is coming of as 'more' than a friend, and while that would be great if she was single, she isn't and that maybe the two of you should take a 'step back' so to speak.

 

What I realise only now (after NC) is this...If we did get together...would I really want to be with someone who will act that way around another guy? If she did it to him, she'll prob do it to me too.

 

I really don't want someone like that, but when you are in 'that place' it's easy to ignore those kind of thoughts & just see this great person without the obvious problems staring you in the face. Also if you are her plan B then she knows exactly what she is doing and that's a very selfish thing to do to someone, especially if they are supposed to be a friend...again a person you could do without.

 

Talk to her, read the signs & trust your instincts

 

I still find it hard to believe she was messing me about, but the facts are there. The way we were together flies in the face of it all though. It's really hard to understand. I think she may not be a bad person as such, but a comulsive liar. She could have been putting 'us' off coz she knew that she would have to come clean about her lie about the kid & thought that I would want nothing more to do with her (I would have forgiven). But even though she was this lovely & great person to be around, I keep thinking of more & more things she told me that could have been lies & prob were.

 

Sucks a lot Thought she was 'the one' lol

[odile]

heheh

Funny anecdote, but does this story really fit in with the original question?

What I'm wondering about in your example is whether you simply had decided-- prior to his eagerness becoming so apparent-- that you were not interested in him romantically (which is how I'm reading your post, Salicia),

OR

whether for a while you saw him as someone you were possibly interested in, and then changed your mind when he began to seem eager, and precisely because (and only because) of this eagerness.

 

???

[nimisaj]

Wow! I don't know what to type after reading some of these stories...

I guess there are ppl out there that can relate to me.

[mrvaughn]

Wow! I don't know what to type after reading some of these stories...

I guess there are ppl out there that can relate to me!

lol

 

What was the experience(s) that compelled you to ask? Might be good to share what happened and get some feedback...

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

mrvaughn you are right. I totally see where you’re coming from. And sometimes I wonder if I have the dreaded rose colored glasses on. It’s hard to explain but she is so genuinely sweet.

 

And from some of the stuff she’s been there for me for I really do feel she cares about me. I find it hard to think she is playing me so to speak.

 

It’s just I feel we have this totally incredible chemistry and I would gladly drop everything going on in my life to be with her if that were possible.

 

I guess I’m crazy. Right now I really don’t think it’s possible. I have to believe she can tell I have feelings for her. I don’t hide what I think of her from her at all.

 

It just seems like there is this line she won’t cross with me to actually admit she finds me attractive but she keeps running right up to that line just not crossing it.

 

I keep wondering if some part of her is contemplating getting with me or if she might be attracted but doesn’t want anything to happen right now because of the guy she is currently seeing.

 

I don’t think you can fake the genuine affection she shows me or the fact that she is there for me in many ways when I need it.

 

I only question whether or not I am her plan B because I think she knows I like her and sometimes she seems to be feeding that by her behavior. Yet she won’t take the next step and admit she has feelings or at least an attraction to me.

 

I just wonder if she is attracted or if I am totally misreading her. I do believe she is a good person and cares for me. I just don’t know if it really is just friendship or possibly more just bad timing.

 

I’m afraid to ask her because I honestly wonder if she would even be honest with me about it. Or if she would just say nothing and leave me to keep wondering about all this chemistry between us and whether I’m the only one feeling it.

 

We’ve had this strange connection since we met and sometimes it seems she cares more about me than she should.

 

I don’t know what to do. But I do know whatever I do I want it to be respectful and not destroy our friendship because I do care about her.

 

By the way sorry for kind of hijacking your thread nimisaj.

[mrvaughn]

How long have you known each other? It is a work thing isn't it?

 

...Her name doesn't begin with a J does it? lol

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

How long have you known each other? It is a work thing isn't it?

 

...Her name doesn't begin with a J does it? lol

 

We've known each other for about a year or so. It is a work thing. Nope it doesn't.

[mrvaughn]

lol

 

Well just be careful. She prob does care about you & thinks of you in that way, but the fact she has a bf you prob don't mean just quite as much to her as he does (for now)

 

My mistake was telling her when it was looking like it was going to end between them & just opened myself up for a world of hurt from then on.

 

She told me to be patient & let her do it in her own time, but my instincts were telling me that something was up. I was right...makes it easier to get over her

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

So far my instincts aren’t telling me anything negative. She seems to be pretty honest. That doesn’t mean I know everything about her but I have not known her to lie to me so far.

 

I don’t worry that she would be dishonest with me. I worry that she might not be willing to tell me and I’d be the only one saying anything. She’s the type that might just not say anything at all and I’d be left wondering one way or the other.

 

Right now I don’t plan to do anything because I feel I would really need a sign from her that says she wants me to before I’d be willing to take the risk anyway. I have not gotten that sign from her yet.

 

She’s really sweet to me and very attentive. She loves being around me and I love being around her. The way she seems to have cared for me from the moment we met is why I think she has always been attracted.

 

It was a bit too much to explain since why else would she seem to attach to me so intensely without knowing me better at that time? I have been attracted to her from the moment we met too. So that explains my attachment.

 

Anyway thanks. I’ll try to be careful. Like I said she will have to give me a sign or I’m keeping it where it is. She comes close sometimes but so far she hasn’t actually crossed the line and given me the signal I need.