brokenwings Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 My boyfriend of whom I've been dating on and off for 2 years (this is our 3rd time dating) is going off to a university college in August. He plans on moving in the 15th of that month. I will be going to the same college in a year. He used to tell me that we would continue our relationship when we were apart and he couldn't wait until I got there so we could actually be together. A few weeks ago I broke down, crying, because I felt like I was hardly going to see him. He reassured me and said he'd come to visit every weekend or so to see me and his family. Today he told me that he wanted us to enjoy our time together these next few weeks because we won't be together at all when he goes off to college. That upset me because he basically said that once he gets into college our relationship is done with, and he'll be too busy to keep it up. When I told him I didn't want our relationship to end because we have too much going for us, he said "there are more fish in the sea". We've tried moving on before, but every time we keep coming back to each other. I feel like we have something great going on. Right now I'm not thinking about marriage with him, but if it happens in the future I wouldn't mind. What has caused him to think this way though? Why does he want to break my heart now, even after everything we've been through together? Link to comment
wolfofsilenc Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 This sounds like the situation I'm in, except vice versa. My boyfriend and I have been dating a long while, and we're gonna be seniors and we'll be heading in this same direction. I know the pain. It sucks. I think he be interesting in trying to really get into the whole college experiences. Maybe he said that because he's afraid of hurting of what he might do in college with other people. I would try talking to him about why he's changing his mind. To be honest, if you two can't explain what the other is feeling. I don't believe it will be really worth it. Link to comment
tastytoothpaste Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 He wants the relationship on his own terms. When he wants companionship and security and someone he's comfortable with, he goes to you. Why wouldn't he? You're there to take him back every time. And when he wants to do to college thing and party and do whatever, he does it. Link to comment
brokenwings Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 I dunno. He doesn't want to think about it and he has a hard time talking to me about it, because it upsets both of us. I'd like to think we can work it out, I already told him I could be patient for him and wait till next year to continue our relationship. He's not really the party type he's more of the sit-at-home-and-play-on-the-computer type. Then again he's moving to a bigger place so that might change, I really don't know. I'd like to think it wouldn't, but that'd be too easy, huh? I really wanna know why he wants to drag on for 5 weeks if he thinks we won't work out while he's away afterward. Why can't we make an attempt at being together while he's away y'know? Link to comment
wolfofsilenc Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 He might not want to deal with a long-distance relationship? I'm not sure. He kind of sounds like me. I use to be afraid of long term relationship, and now I'm still with my boy. To be honest, I'm not sure what he could be wanting. It's difficult to say. New atmosphere, new girl? Doesn't want long-distance? Or maybe he's just in denial. Link to comment
Mimori Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Put it in this perspective. You pressured him and broke down in front of him. Crying about him leaving for college and not being able to see him enough… He tried comforting you by telling you he’d visit during the weekends. But that’s awfully expensive to pull off. He probably contemplated this for awhile. And I doubt he broke up with you immediately because he does care for you. And doesn’t want you to be upset… But by the sounds of it you pressured him into being sure he up kept perfect relationship standards while long distance. –It doesn’t necessarily mean he just wants to party. But college is expensive, and depending on your area of study can be very time consuming with studying for test and keeping your grades decent. From the sounds of it, at least from how you explained the situation. He would have felt pressured, and a tad obligated to visit every week for your benefit. He had already told you he’d look forward to seeing you when you moved up there. But that wasn’t satisfying and you broke down. (That’s not bad per say…but it’s also not a good thing)… It sounds like you’re a tad clingy to him, and can’t depend on your life without him being a part of it weekly. Long distance relationships work a little different then the normal routine. –The way it sounds is you pressured and made it feel like an obligation to see you, when it’s suppose to be a great reunion of lovers. You were pretty much asking a lot from him, at a very busy and stressful time. He may want you to just move on because he knows he can’t be there for you as much as you want (Which to me is how it sounds). Basically, at least from my experience. He may be doing it so that you move on…because you already broke down once (before it even happened) about the lack of seeing each other… Ever thought he doesn’t want to hurt you because he can’t pull off an every weekend trip for you? Doesn’t want to see you upset? Maybe he wants you to find a guy that can be there as much as you’re wanting… Link to comment
tastytoothpaste Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I really wanna know why he wants to drag on for 5 weeks if he thinks we won't work out while he's away afterward. Because he's getting ass and companionship from you and doesn't respect you enough to end it now so that you can move on. Plus, you don't sound like you really have a huge problem with it either or you would've broken up with him. Why can't we make an attempt at being together while he's away y'know? Because he doesn't want to. Simple as that. He wants to breakup for whatever reason (to experience college with no one waiting for him back home). When one person wants to break up, you break up. He doesn't think that you're worth the trouble of a LDR. It's harsh, I know. But it's the truth and I think you need to hear it. Link to comment
brokenwings Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Maybe he is afraid... like I said, I don't want the relationship to end. I think the long-distance is a whole other obstacle to go through to prove how much we care for each other, at least that's what I think. He likes to say that I'll have a new boyfriend once he goes off to college too, even when I tell him that I'm happy with the boyfriend I have and that I look forward to being there with him next year. Why? Link to comment
wolfofsilenc Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 You don't want to let go. Mimori has made some awesome points. He wants you to get on with your life cause he cares for you. Link to comment
brokenwings Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Because he's getting ass and companionship from you and doesn't respect you enough to end it now so that you can move on. Plus, you don't sound like you really have a huge problem with it either or you would've broken up with him. Because he doesn't want to. Simple as that. He wants to breakup for whatever reason (to experience college with no one waiting for him back home). When one person wants to break up, you break up. He doesn't think that you're worth the trouble of a LDR. It's harsh, I know. But it's the truth and I think you need to hear it. No, honesty is what I came here for, so no offense taken. I've often wondered if he only wants me for "getting ass", if you will, and I've tried talking to him about it and he denies it. Now that I think about it, that might be the case, but I'd hate to jump to conclusions and cause more problems. I'm more of a peacemaker than a troublemaker. But I will take all of this and figure out what I need to do. Again, I appreciate the honesty, and no offense is taken. Link to comment
wolfofsilenc Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Hope everything goes well. =] Link to comment
tastytoothpaste Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 No, honesty is what I came here for, so no offense taken. I've often wondered if he only wants me for "getting ass", if you will, and I've tried talking to him about it and he denies it. Now that I think about it, that might be the case, but I'd hate to jump to conclusions and cause more problems. I'm more of a peacemaker than a troublemaker. But I will take all of this and figure out what I need to do. Again, I appreciate the honesty, and no offense is taken. Wow, good for you!! Most people can't handle it. And it might not be JUST the getting ass thing. I think that he just doesn't want it to end until he leaves because it's altogether comfortable for him. You know? You're his security blanket. Why let you go now before he's even having fun and experiencing college life? He's gonna hang onto you until he actually has the opportunity to experience that other lifestyle. Link to comment
brokenwings Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 I've often wondered if maybe I'm too clingy too.. I've been so used to talking to him every day though that it's going to be hard for me to let him go for a year. That's more of it than anything else; he's been a big part of my life. He and his family have been there for me through my parents' divorce in the past year. I forgot to mention that in my beginning post, sorry!! I really do not expect him to visit every single weekend, because I myself couldn't manage that. I'd still like to be able to talk with him whenever he gets the chance, even if it's not every night. I know we can still be friends and do all this but... there's just that comfort of having him as a boyfriend, it's hard to explain. This response is the "on the other hand" part of my mind on this story. Both your and Southern's responses are helpful, and both perspectives have been going through my mind all night. It could be a combination of both, I don't know. I really can't say what's going through his mind right now. Link to comment
brokenwings Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Wow, good for you!! Most people can't handle it. And it might not be JUST the getting ass thing. I think that he just doesn't want it to end until he leaves because it's altogether comfortable for him. You know? You're his security blanket. Why let you go now before he's even having fun and experiencing college life? He's gonna hang onto you until he actually has the opportunity to experience that other lifestyle. We both realize that we're extremely comfortable with each other. We're so used to each other and being around each other that it's just a normal thing. I've learned to handle honesty I just wish I could dish it out as well as I accept it. Link to comment
brokenwings Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 thank you, wolfofsilence Link to comment
tastytoothpaste Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 We both realize that we're extremely comfortable with each other. We're so used to each other and being around each other that it's just a normal thing. I've learned to handle honesty I just wish I could dish it out as well as I accept it. Just stand up for yourself. And I mean, if you know that you're gonna break up when he leaves and you're okay with that, then there's really no problem. But if you want all or nothing, I think you have your answer... Link to comment
brokenwings Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Just stand up for yourself. And I mean, if you know that you're gonna break up when he leaves and you're okay with that, then there's really no problem. But if you want all or nothing, I think you have your answer... Yeah, thanks for your help I think my boyfriend and I may still need to do a little more talking before we jump to any major conclusions, but all of you have been a great help in easing my mind from going in a million directions and I appreciate it. Opinions from random people on forums always help for some reason. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I think it's probably a combination of factors that others have mentioned. He's comfortable with you, he enjoys what you have now, he wants to experience college and other girls, you are a little clingy, and he doesn't want to feel pressured to see you often when he's away (and to stay committed). I would suggest really using this time to ween yourself off of him, spend less and less time with him, as much as you can so you can transition a little bit more easily. Best of luck. Link to comment
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