PLEASE HELPMoney causing trust problems..

[ay0_x]

Hey all. this is a question about money. I'm really young and so I've never had to deal with money affecting any of my relationships. It's the first time it's really started to cause a strain and I need your help and advice. This is a really long post so please be warned.

 

My boyfriend is in debt. Last year (before I met him) he lost his job and was jobless for a month so he got a credit card with a $4000 limit. He lives with his parents. He couldn't tell them that he'd lost his job because he was ashamed/embarrassed/scared... So he pretended he still had his job.

 

He'd leave home in the morning, all dressed for work, and go to his ex's house and hang out there until it was time to go home. He did this for a month. Plus he wasnt earning any income so all his going out expenses etc were coming out of the card.

 

He also had health problems and he invested in a gimmick that he thought could have helped him. The money, once again, came out of the credit card.

 

Last month he got a phone bill of $1500. He'd been calling and messaging me a LOT. I had warned him about the bill and told him to get a prepaid simcard (which would have saved him about $1200 at LEAST and he would have still gotten to call me as much as he did) but he didnt listen and said "Psssht who cares". Anyway. The bill came.

 

He didn't have the money because he has no savings, $500 out of his $800/week goes to his parents (he's buying their house off them). The $300 thats left goes towards gas, going out, insurance etc etc.

 

His cousins were part of a big scam and they stole about $10,000 from a company. I was very angry ebcause he entertained the thought of taking some of the money. I was like "Dont take any of it.". He kept talking about it and I said "Please shut up, I really dont wanna hear about this dirty money.."

 

A week later he told me he'd taken $300 of it and he justified it by saying he really needed to pay off the bill. I said, fine.

 

He only paid $50 towards the bill, he gave $50 to each of his 2 sisters (for no real reason), treated his friends to lunch, and bought himself a sweater.

 

I was just given $1500 as a birthday present. I want to help him out, I can't pay all of it because I really need new clothes and to pay for school fees, but I've worked out that I could give him $500.

 

I want him to put it towards the credit card debt, but I know he'll put it towards the bill. Every time he spends money on something silly I cringe. Especially since a few weeks ago he proclaimed that he wanted to start saving for "our future".

 

He told me we should spend a weekend together and rent out an apartment because he's moving away soon and it's going to turn into a long distance relationship.

 

I hate hate hate hate how he doesnt think of his debt. Like it's going to go away if he ignores it. I can't trust him with money. I dont want to go to the movies/shopping/dinner/lunch/apartment with him because I feel contempt because he's not fulfilling his financial duty to himself or to the debt he owes the credit card and phone companies.

 

He's hiding his debt from his parents and to be honest in my head its like "If hes hiding debt from his parents.. will he do that with me in a few years time?"

 

Help me out people =[ please

[Creative]

I think that's just who he is. It's not a single event, but a chain of events caused by how he regards money. The fact that he took that $300 tells me he has low moral outlook and you can loose him already; there's really no point collaborating with someone who would kneel at desperation.

 

I have a feeling he somehow know he can get away with it. Somewhere in the back of his mind there's a backup plan whether the solution is his parents or other (possibly illegal) resources OR like some people in this forum would say, "the worse that'll happen is going bankrupt", without knowing what it is all about. So he didn't feel the urgent need to plan and take responsibility for it.

 

You really shouldn't step into the mess. You're overstepping your boundary as what a girlfriend should do. It's his debt, so don't feel like you need to sacrifice anything OR "help" him in any way. There are no reason to assist up someone who doesn't want to get off the ground.

[ay0_x]

Thank you for your reply.

 

With the $300, I was really angry but by the time I'd found out, it had already been stolen, it was already in his possession, and if he gave it back and said "My girlfriends making me give it back", his cousins would be like "She's a controlling ____" and I'd have problems with them.

 

I know his value for money is really low.. His dad just lost a business and is $600,000 in debt and is really cool about it. He comes from a culture where declaring bankrupcy or committing fraud isnt really that big a deal.

 

I guess it's just the healer in me wanting to help someone out of a sticky situation. I've always been one to lend money, food, clothing to my friends, that's the type of person that -i- am.

[agent1607307371]

Don't give him the money. Because you don't know that it will go towards the bill.

 

Does he have a job yet? Or is he still hiding that from his parents?

[Sunflour]

Oh, no no no. Just don't do it.

 

Don't throw your own hard-earned money into his sinkhole of debt and irresponsibility. Don't give him cash, don't pay his bills, don't co-sign any loans or leases or get into any financial entanglements with him. His attitude toward work and money is a big red flag. So is his willingness to lie to and deceive the people closest to him. You could end up supporting a man-child for the rest of your life if you aren't careful.

 

Differences about money are a huge source of friction in relationships. Multiply that by 100 if you're in a relationship where you have fundamental differences in your attitude about money and debt.

[civilservant]

I can almost guarantee that something in the future will cause him to look at his financial situation and clean up his act (it did for me) but this is a realisation that he has to come to on his own, and it may take years.

 

I would certainly agree that it'd be a big mistake to get entangled with his financial situation, as it could leave you in as much of a mess as he is.