What i need to do

[mr me]

I think my biggest problem will always have to do with dealing with people. Alot of the time i get stuck in having issues with people and not being aware of what im doing as well. I think now that im starting to do little things like that things have gotten better. Its just i have moments of complete weakness. I have a really hard time accepting failures because i dont like to see that there is nothing i can do anymore about a situation. Ill say like today i was playing a video game with my friends and they were killing me. I can say when you start to play something you cant expect to do good but i just cant really be ok with losing as bad as i was. Its said that you can always learn or should try to learn from your mistakes or losses but sometimes i want to be able to see why im making a mistake and learn from it before it happens. I end up having alot of situations where things that some people might think are crazy are just how i see things. I used to try alot to make the impossible possible because of a quote i used to love that "The impossible was only thought to be impossible until someone made it possible". Its just i ran into alot of things that were just impossible to do so that really screwed up my head. I guess an example of that is trying to make people happy. Im naturally a people pleaser but i also had a doormat type of way of dealing with people. Im aware that i cant make people happy or shouldnt live just to make people happy but growing up that way its always a struggle. I also struggle with thinking about how i used to see myself as a gentlemen or a good guy. Its just everyone has their good and bad side and because of not really having a good female or male figure pretty much that i have alot of issues. Im trying to deal with anger with basically alot of people not treating me so well growing up. Its just i also treated people too good so its a weird thing for me. I used to think that there is so many people who didnt treat others good that how could you really be too good to others. I guess thats not how i see it anymore but its still dealing with my moments.

 

I guess to go back a bit that im trying to see my issue with my friends when i was playing a video game was that i started to take it personal or just too serious. Im really not good with things like that because im naturally over-sensitive and have had issues with before them being really hard on me growing up when we would do things together. Im also an outcast or just different then them so its hard because i never have felt like ive found a place in this world for myself. Its weird because ive really tired to do things that would be considered really good but i just dont seem to find others that do things like me. I only found one person that was my first ex and she didnt end up staying the same person she was when i first met her. I guess that could mean that maybe she was just different around me in a good way but that has been an issue for me. I see how she was different with me so i wanted her to stay that way but she ended up deciding to be who she is now or maybe thats who she really is. I guess that is who she is but its just one of those things that have taken me a really long time to get used to.

 

Ive never gotten used to pretty much losing everyone ive been close to. Ive also had to deal with basically all my nightmares coming true. Its supposed to be a good thing once your able to face all of those but im not really sure when that will happen for me. I still have alot of really deep issues that i probably will never be able to talk about unless its my therapist. I just one day want to be able to talk about them to people im close to but im just slowly seeing how some people might be ok with it. Ive just had to deal with alot of my darker side being the side that ive basically been for most of this time that ive been in this crisis in my life. Its weird because i can see how my life really was going to turn out this way but i would have never believed it before. So now im trying to believe that maybe i can really find a life that ive never had but im just not sure how i can let go of the life i had before.