Domestic Duties-Lack of...

[tiger_lilies]

Does anyone out there have a live in boyfriend or have husbands who never do their share when it comes to chores around the house? I lived with my ex for 2.5 years and it was really hard to get him to take responsibility to pick up around the house. I.E. Cleaning the bathroom, vaccuming, washing the dishes, etc.

 

I mean, he would make an effort to do something if I asked him to, but if I didn't ask him, it would never get done. We've had plenty of arguments about it and I do see that he makes the effort, but it always seemed so...final. Meaning that he would do something, like clean the bathroom (because I ask him to), but he would never notice that it would get dirty again the next week and he wouldn't take the responsibility to clean it again.

 

I wouldn't expect him to do all the domestic chores, just share the responsibility to pick up after himself and or me if I need it. I just found myself doing all the cleaning, all the grocery shopping, washing the floors, etc. We've discussed him taking more responsibilities, but he says he never notices it when things are out of place or dirty.

 

I tried scheduling him to do certain things every week, but he doesn't because he's lazy or forgets about it.

 

I just don't think it's fair that the domestic duties rests on my shoulders when he is perfectly capable to do these things himself. He thinks that mowing the lawn is a guy's thing, but the lawn only has to be mowed once a week during the summer. In the winter, there's no need.

 

I'd like to get other people's opinions about this...ladies, how do you get your guy to take responsibility around the house without having to ask?

[mahlina]

Hmmm...Good Question! I've never had a live in boyfriend, but if I did have one like yours, I'd be like: "Honey! You're Sleeping in the doghouse for the night! And possibly the rest of the week!!! Until you get your chores done!"

 

I think that the best thing for you to do for now, is to stop doing what you are doing. Meaning:

 

1. Do not pick up after him.

2. Do not do his laundry!

3. Do not cook for him!!!!

4. Do not clean the floors.

5. Let him live in his own scum.

 

I'm serious! When he realizes that the house is a mess, because you've stopped giving in your share, perhaps by then, he'll see the filth that he lives in, and will finally do something about it! I really don't like it when guys are lazy. Besides, it's a fare share right? You're such a great girlfriend! I think that any guy, would be happy to be with such a responsible lady like you!

 

Good Luck!

Mahlina

 

P.S.- If he doesn't do anything about the filth, and decides to layback, and lets the dirt, trash, etc. accumulate around the house. In other words, if this plan fails, then give him the boot, and tell him that he's evicted for now! 8) Hehe.

[sugarplum_pdx]

Hello - I had *exactly* the same situation you describe with my ex-boyfriend (we just broke up a few weeks ago, and lived together for 2.5 years). Just as you said, he would do things around the house if I asked, but would never think to do it on a regular basis. The whole time we lived together, he never once cleaned the bathroom. I was the only one who would clean the bathroom, clean the cat litter, sweep/mop the floors, and usually the only one who did the dishes and the grocery shopping. The only thing he would do is the trash (we alternated weeks, and sometimes it seemed like I would do it more often than him), occasionally vaccuum the living room, and tidy up HIS stuff. He also (like your guy) thought of mowing the lawn as his job, and would always make a BIG deal about how much of a chore it was. And if the lawnmower broke or something, that would be his excuse to not do it. I just always thought it was really immature.

 

It's important to point out -- we both worked outside the home an equal amount (full time). So it's not like he was working and I was supposed to stay home and take care of the house. There was no reason why he shouldn't have been able to do as much as I did at the house.

 

Oh, another thing is, if I got mad at him about it (instead of asking him nicely to do something), he would get defensive and angry, and he'd say "If you're going to be like that about it, I'm not going to do it." I would get furious at that, because it shouldn't be like he's doing ME a favor by doing things around the house ... it's HIS job as much as mine. Grr!

 

Does anyone out there have a live in boyfriend or have husbands who never do their share when it comes to chores around the house? I lived with my ex for 2.5 years and it was really hard to get him to take responsibility to pick up around the house. I.E. Cleaning the bathroom, vaccuming, washing the dishes, etc.

[tiger_lilies]

Hey Sugarplum,

I totally know what you mean! When my ex and I broke up (11 days ago) he said that one of the reasons is because I'm too "serious"! When I asked him to elaborate on that he couldn't. He could't explain his reasoning any further. He even said that it feels like he's dating a 35 year old! (I'm 27) The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get.

 

Oh, another thing is, if I got mad at him about it (instead of asking him nicely to do something), he would get defensive and angry, and he'd say "If you're going to be like that about it, I'm not going to do it."

 

That is down right low!!!! Talk about not having any respect for you nor any appreciation for the things that you do for him. What a loser! Sorry just venting...

 

My ex only worked a 6 hour day and he would get home by 3pm, whereas I work a full 8 hours and do not get home until 5pm. There would be dirty dishes in the sink and he would totally by pass it and go straight to his computer to play games.

 

Looking back, I can't believe that I put up with it for so long. I even suggested that we move to a new place so that he could feel like it was more our place than just "my place". (He moved in with me).

I remember telling him that I felt more like his mother than his girlfriend!

[sugarplum_pdx]

tiger_lilies, I think you and I are twins ... our situations sound exactly the same. I saw one of your other posts where you said your BF told you he had "given up" - and that's what mine said too. He said he knew I was unhappy with him a lot of the time, and that he let me down all the time, and he was tired of feeling guilty. He didn't want to work on it ... it was "too late." Yet somehow I *still* was the one who wanted to try a little more ... and didn't want to break up. I'm probably going to be so glad in the long run that we broke up (although right now it's still hard).

 

And what you said about the computer games is totally the same for me too ... except mine was more into chatting and downloading stuff, but he'd always go straight to the computer when he got home, and sit there for the rest of the night, instead of helping with anything. I'd bring him dinner ... and he'd eat, and then go back to what he was doing, without helping to clean up. Just unbelievable. And then he tried to tell me I needed more hobbies because that must be why I'm always ragging on him for being on the computer too much.

[Miles]

Hello.

 

Being seventeen, I can't claim I've had a live-in relationship. However, Mom often becomes frusterated with me because I do not help with chores unless she specificially asks me to do so, in which case it becomes a moral obligation. I'm not quite daft enough to think that I don't owe something to the person who endured labor so that I could come into the world and has given up retirement to put tasty morsels on my plate.

 

There are two reasons I don't do work:

1. Dust, dog hair and the like don't bug me.

2. Mom will do it for me if I wait long enough.

 

Point being, consider trying to set up a chore schedule with your partner, preferably one that includes mowing and the other 'manly chores' so they seem important. That way, you can ask without asking. Just be careful not to nag overmuch and don't pick up his end of the bargain often enough for him to rely on that.

 

Not a perfect solution, but people aren't perfect and anyone who expects a perfect relationship will waste their life reading and rereading Cinderella. Good luck.