cant handle these thoughts anymore

[jackie1982]

all day every day-all i think is how i wanna just be away from all the hurt and pain im feeling,how i cant cope with bein alive anymore.i feel stupid talkin to any1 about it because they all just think im being annoyin and stupid. yet i cant stop thinking how i just wanna b dead-and the only thing that is stoppin me is that im too scared.im scared of pain,im scared of it going wrong,im scared of whats there.all i think is if only i could pluck up the courage.no1 would miss me,even my family arent supporting me thro my really bad time,they just think im a freak or somethin,my sister called me immature and that i need to grow up yesterday!cos i feel that life is worthless and pointless 4me.its got me down to a point where i cant go on and i dont know what to do.nothin EVER goes right and stays right for me.i know that the people that hav tried to help so far are just havin enough now.people hav tried but im still rock bottem!i cant live another day,i try but i just cant stand up i keep fallin back down!every1 in my past that has hurt me has got away with it,walked away still happy, or gettin away with their crime. its just me thats left to suffer. i cant rem the last time i was truly happy, one less person in this world wont make any difference will it! i fall asleep cryin knowin im useless and ask why am i still made to lie here and suffer. i just wanna fall asleep and never wake up

[Haywire]

Hi, At the moment I think life has no point, you are born without a choice and will someday die. I have had major depression since the age of 12 and I know exactly how your feeling because I have had all those thoughts before. Some of them I still have today. The only reason I still hang on to my life is because of my family and girlfriend, it would kill them if I did anything. Has something happened to you that has caused you to feel so depressed or has these feelings you have just come out of nowhere, so to speak. If something has happened what it is? If you just have these feelings for no real reason I would strongly suggest seeing a doctor. The type of depression I have comes from within the body at random not from bad events etc happening in my life. Basically my chemicals etc are messed up and I cant help it. You said that your family werent supporting you in all of this. I have experienced this before. To them they probably think its just a small thing that will pass and maybe it will. I think it would be best if you talk to your parents on serious note and tell them exactly how you feel. You said no one would miss you if you were gone. You might not notice it now but alot of people would. Its like that saying you dont know what you got until its gone. For now please talk to your parents then take it from there. I know how bad you must feel but for now try to live day by day. Please post all you want in here cause we are all here to help. At anytime feel free to private message me if you need to talk. Goodluck Jackie.

[jackie1982]

i wrote a msg on here b4, was only last weekend, this is the link removed

its all in there why i feel so down, i tried b4 and some people hav tried,but im just goin further and further down, i just cannot no matter how hard i try see a way out! iv tried talkin to my parents but they just dont understand. when my grandad went thro a bad patch, my dad was sittin there sayin why is he bein like this,hes being out of order and ill never forgive him for this. and at the time i thought that was abit off but now i understand what my grandad was feelin i see that as a terrible thing to hav said. they just dont wanna understand.my mum tells me to stop bein silly! they just arent ever prepared to listen! after the rape, they were tryin to tell me how i should b feeling and wernt actually listenin to me tell them how i was really feeling. im just alone. my friends think im bein miserable they just dont care. i find it so difficult to open up to people as it is, so much just keeps goin wrong and at this rate,ill no doubt b dead by 25 anyway when somethin else happenes that kills me neway.i just feel too low to go on

[lelucats]

Dear Jackie,

 

I've been suicidal may times in my life--please listen...

 

My darkest hours were when I have had no hope that things will change. No hope that ANYONE or anything (medication) can help. No hope that I could regain my strength to take one step further, let alone forward. The hell that my depression sucked me into narrowed my views into this tiny hole of, anger, then the pain, and then the nothingness of numbed feelings. There was absolutely nothing of me left...almost.

 

Still inside was the question "Is this all?" I couldn't kill the tiniest belief that there MUST be something that can be done. There must be someone who will listen. There MUST BE some reason why I was put on this Earth, and I knew that I hadn't accomplished yet what I was meant to do. The sense of purpose alluded me, and yet compelled me. Despite not having any answers --or maybe because I didn't have the answers yet-- a part of me knew that if I were to end my life now, I would be abandoning ALL chances to put meaning and reason to the hellish experiences I had survived up to that point. I see now, too, that I would have been throwing away all chances to experience any joys that were in store for me also. And there have been great joys, having chosen life.

 

What we cannot know is what will happen later this day or tomorrow or next week. To end it now is to say NO to the gifts of healing that are yet unseen. To say no to the person who was to meet you this Saturday and offer you friendship, nurturing and love. To say no to that great job...that proposal of marriage...giving birth to your first child.

 

I have found over and over that at my lowest points in life I have received some of the most awesome information and care. Even though I felt unworthy and it was hard to accept any kindness from others, by hanging on just that one more day, things changed...for the better.

 

That little spark of hope that led me to survival began to grow. I became more willing and able to believe that I had CHOICES. I've sobbed tears over yellow-pages looking for a phone number of any counselor or crisis center I could call. I've driven myself to the hospital emergency room where a group of professionals talked with me in order to understand me and my situation so that they could best help me.

 

Making that call can be soooo hard. I've waited weeks before I could get up the courage to dial that number--usually doing so only when I felt I had no other option. Each time that I've reached out, things changed for the better for me.

 

I learned that my brain chemicals were/are screwed up and that there are medications to help correct that. Antidepressants have saved my life. They help take away all the negative thinking, all the crying and the anger. I learned that many, many people experience(d) similar historys and problems that I have had. (Physical/Emotional/Sexual abuses, depression, anxiety...) Hearing their stories made me feel not so alone. Hearing how they survived and healed offered me hope that I could too. As I got more and more out of the "dark hole" I could think bigger and better thoughts. I could learn to look at myself with some sort of compassion vs. self-hate. I could begin to think that I had worth and that my past made me a stronger person, not weaker.

 

Reach out, girl. Pick up the phone. Write some more here. Find other forums specific to your history. You are soooo not alone. You are soooo worthy. and, there IS help. pick up the phone. pick up the phone.

 

Bless you, Lelu