My first 'journal' post here

[kissmyheart]

So I'm a big journal writer anyway, usually i find LiveJournal my saviour to vent all anger and emotion i have! So for the past few days i've been spending all of my time alone (my mum is away).. I sit and i think, once i start to think i fall into a black hole, i'm alone. I could have made plans to get out of the house, and i did have plans.. yet cancelled as my ex boyfriend wanted to come over. He makes me feel so cheap. So used. It's as if i offer him over for the slight feeling of being wanted.. We were together 18 months, but I still feel trashy. He understands me though, things didn't work out and i finished it a few weeks back. My constant mood changes put him on edge, making him lie.. i hate liars. When i cut myself, he doesn't mention it, he's the only person i can let see my cuts and i don't feel like i have to hide them. I don't love him though. Yesterday i started thinking about how my best friend has left me as he has got a girlfriend.. am i really that worthless, that insignificant? I really miss him, I cut myself yesterday a lot. I like what it does, I like to see what i'm made from.. Until i realize what i've done to myself and i sit regretting what i did. Lately, i've felt so alone, so worthless. Is a girl he met a few months ago worth all the pain that i'm feeling? As for my mum.. she doesn't have a clue.. doesn't mention my scars, doesn't mention my eating.. I haven't eaten a lot in four days. Lots of water, 49 calorie soup. I'm still alive, except the hunger pains make me feel so ill. I don't have eating problems, I like feeling fragile. Knowing that i can control one part of the way i look comforts me. Yet every time i look in the mirror i don't see anything changing. I'm so frustrated at that. J tried to make me eat breakfast, I told him to leave my house and stop treating me like a child. I wish i was a child, a little girl again with no worries and a nice, happy family.

 

E.