Trying for solutions-oriented approaches - opinions requeste

[LostinVan]

Well, my poor thread is buried on page three now, so maybe I should start a new one. I'm going to take a different tack with this thread. I want to present a problem or an "issue" I have with the ex currently, and get opinions on what I should do about it... I hope you folks can help out.

 

So, here's a sitch and how I feel about it.

 

My ex and I are talking and communicating daily. She's friendly most days, but does not accept any offers to stay longer than she has set in her mind (which means, once she's done working, she wants to leave within a short while). She gives me occasional hugs, and kisses on the cheek. (see my other thread for major day by day accounts of what our current interaction is like)

 

Found out the ex is seeing one particular guy. Been on at least six dates with him now, first date was literally a day after she walked out of our house and left a letter for me, breaking up.

 

I feel that the ex has had no time for introspection. Went from me to another guy right away. I should point out this has been her history. She went from

 

6 month relationship to

1.5 year relationship to a

1 year relationship to a

4 month relationship to

2 year relationship to a

1 year relationship

to me (12 year relationship).... with literally no break between relationships. She'd break up with a guy (or they would dump her), and within days, she'd be dating someone else.

 

I would like her to take a break. Not because jealousy is involved... but because I geniunely feel she has not looked inside herself as to why she's unhappy; she uses an internet date / sex chat website to get self-esteem boosts, and she admitted herself that she *needs* to have someone with her, on an intimacy / dating level to make her feel good.

 

So, how do I approach this? Should I leave it be, or should I work on strategies to get her thinking about taking a break for once, or at least looking within herself for some sense of happiness, instead of finding superficial happiness in guys pursuing her.

 

LostinVan

[Beec]

hhhhmmm, what you seem to be trying to suggest is trying to bring her to a way of finding her own way of becoming self-sufficient in certain ways, i.e. her own way of creating her own self-esteem, whether it be religion, meditation, etc.

 

OK, just an observance here. I am not trying to sink in the knife and twist. But how did you get your self-esteem when you were in the relationship? I know you did not like being where you were and some of the things you did for her, and that affected how you acted. Your moving to where you moved for her is something you wanted her to acknowledge. By repeatedly raising this stuff, you were trying to get her to continue to hold you in high esteem. So while she was trying to get esteem from you, you were extracting it in your own way from her. OK, now I do have a point.

 

I think if I were you I would not ever try to persuade her to adopt something in particular. I would however do two things, and yes, I know it is easy to sit here as a distant observer and say this, but it not nearly as easy to do it yourself. One I would begin to undertake a program to do it for yourself, to set an and lead by example. Then, I would apologize for having gained your esteem from making her hold you in high esteem. I would praise your new efforts by way of wishing you had learned to do what you are doing now much earlier, so you did not screw everything up like you did.

 

OK, so maybe this will help her get what you think she needs. But it may also get her to see you as someone more secure for her to be around. Someone who she could think about again, as you are dealing with any problems you had. Step one in any seduction, indirect approach, make them feel secure.

 

If you can convince her to try it, then try to help her through it.

 

Yes, you will be trying to hit two birds with the same stone.

[LostinVan]

Basically lead by example, right?

 

Wow Beec, you told me something I didn't realise myself. I was looking for massive self-esteem boosts by having her acknowledge (almost constantly) how my move out to the 'burbs was done 100% for her. I complained and whined about it frequently enough. I pointed it out often. I would be driving home from my old neighbourhood with her in the car saying "I frikkin' hate __________ (the burbs' name)" (replace frikkin' with the more obvious word).

 

You gave me a moment of clarity here - what I was doing was not so much complaining as waiting for her to always say "yes I know, and I love you for it". She did say this from time to time at first.

 

Okay... game plan formulating (much happened today, I'll cover it in another posting). Continue to use the tools I have learned in the past month to improve myself and get my own self-esteem from within. She can't help but notice, and may become curious (or remember the few hints I've already dropped).

 

What's ironic is this... I think it may already be working. She's dropped hints that she's starting self-examination. That's a GOOD thing. Today we had a wallop of a discussion (including a heavy bomb from me); on her part, she talked about how she was examining her way of thinking about herself, and how she reacts to things.

 

For instance, she said "when someone's looking at me, my only thought is, 'do I have something on my nose or something' - for my whole life I couldn't believe it was because they were interested or attracted to me".

 

I could (and have) interpreted this two ways.

 

The good - she realises already she needs a self-made self-esteem boost.

 

The bad - the guys who are pursuing her now are flowering her with compliments, and she's starting to like an accept it.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Is the bad in any way good for me and my situation?

 

LostinVan, who takes much value in Beec' comments