Officially Ended NC, into uncharted territory

[jakestryder]

Alright: quick backstory: Best friends for 5 years, dated for 12 months, had trouble with arguing/she was extremely sensitive and thought I would be condescending and she dumped me two months ago. I felt relieved at first; was tired of being on pins and needles. Immediately instituted NC.

 

I have never been friends with an ex, however I had also never dated my best friend. I've gone NC for years and years with previous exes. A week ago I emailed her, just to tell her some very sad news. She responded, and I responded once.

 

Last night I broke down and txted her. Just asked how she was. Then told her that I didn't know what our boundaries should be. I don't feel like we should do NC and expect to ever maintain a great friendship down the road. TXTs became awkward so we called. And we talked. FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. And it was one of the greatest conversations I've had with her. I got a lot of things off my chest, apologized for some of the things I had done, and told her how I really felt about things. I told her I expected not to find out she was dating someone new from our mutual friends and she agreed to tell me--this way very important to me. I told her that while we were talking, it didnt mean I wanted to everyday. That I missed her. She said she missed "us" too. We're both struggling; it was nice to hear that. I didn't feel so alone.

 

We came to the conclusion to just say hi every so often. Maybe through email, maybe a txt, preferably not phone. Just to stay in touch. I know..know. This is going to make things a lot harder. But she was, and almost still is, the closest friend I have in the world. If it makes it harder to get over her, I pray that the reward of being over her but having her as a friend will be worth it. At the same time, I'm lonely--and I know she's lonely now too. I miss her, and part of me is still in love with her, particularly after having such a wonderful conversation. I'm tempted to try and win her back--but I'm going to resist. I'll leave the ball in her court in terms of that, and in my own regard I'll move on and compartmentalize my feelings; she is worth it.

 

She told me if I later decided that the phone call was a terrible idea and to go back to space (read: NC) to let her know. I'm not going to, at least not today. I think this is possible. Hard. Hellish. But possible.

[dan10]

ok since you two were best friends for 5 years and then dated for 1 it means that you were very very close for a very long time. i dont want to sound negative here but i can pretty much promise you that you will always have feelings for her. personally if i was in your shoes i would try to get the friendship back as close to the way it was as possible. it will never be the same but i would try to get it close. if you do choose to take that path though, one thing i highly recommend is sitting down..or standing or talking on the phone whichever suits you best but it has to be an all at once conversation. email doesnt work and texting doesnt work. but sit down with her and law out some ground rules because i know that if you get back to being friends and one day she starts kissing another person in front of you, it will kill you.

 

so try to be friends. if it doesnt work out it doesnt work out but at least you tried. you obviously had a lot in common and unless something very drastic happened in this 2 months you two still have alot in common which is what makes good friends. just keep it g rated with no kissing no loving no nothing. you can hug her as a friend if it fits into the situation.

 

thats my advice for you.

 

but just a word of warning... if you decide to stay in contact and be friends 2 things will happen.

1) you will have to deal with her going out with other people and it will be very hard

 

2) you cant go back to nc once you start being friends again. trust me i tried it and i started breaking down crying every night before i went to bed after about 2 weeks. and i'm the kind of person that doesnt cry. like i've actually had people ask me why i'm not crying at certain times when i should be and i dont have a reason.

 

so take into consideration if you might want to try nc again. because you most likely wont be able to hold onto it if you become friends again. especially since you have mutual friends. thats why i think you should be friends.

[jakestryder]

Please? Any advice? Anyone whose done this before?

[viajera]

I'm still friends with one of my exes. We went NC for several months because he took the breakup a lot harder than I did, even though we'd both seen the writing on the wall before I finally ended it, and he later admitted that he was trying to get up the courage to end it himself.

 

I also just broke NC with my most recent ex a couple weeks ago, after a month of NC and 2 (now 2.5) months since the split. We started talking only because we had to (filing for divorce). But it's actually been really cathartic for both of us. We spent a lot of time together when I went to his hometown (where we were married) to file the papers. Since I returned, we've talked on the phone maybe 2x/week (he doesn't have email access, or I'd prefer email). We're both having a hard time (something that it made me feel better to see - I had been imagining him already off running around with other women), and have both admitting missing the other. He would like to get back together, and I admit that it occasionally crosses my mind, though I know deep down I couldn't ever trust him again. So I don't know how good of an example this is - we're kind of walking on eggshells, and I'm not sure how long this friendship is going to last. But it will have to continue for at least the next couple months, until the divorce is finalized - after that I go back to the States for months, and I imagine we'll probably drift apart again.

[jakestryder]

This is actually dead on to how I've been feeling. It was nice to hear that i twas really hard on her, and that she did miss me from time to time. It's also as if it made how I was feeling a little more legitimate. I don't plan on talking ot her 2x a week, maybe just an email or a txt here or there, but I know I'm walking on a tightrope here. I already dwelled a little bit over one thing she said to me while on the phone, but I think it's just a wake up. I need to accept that she will DATE. And those dates may even turn into RELATIONSHIPS. We both agreed that when it happened, it was going to be extremely painful--even she said that. My hope is that the pain will just be fleeting (and not anytime soon). I