Emotional Punishment? (Quite Long But Necessary)

[Just Me85]

Hey,

 

I feel really silly writing this. Im sure I am being a drama queen but its sort of on my mind.

 

My bf broke up with me just over a month ago and I cant get him out of my head.

 

For a long time throughout the relationship he seemed to get worse with his depression and paranoia. When we first got together, he had said he didnt want a girlfriend because girls treat him bad. he told me loads of stories about exes messing him about. he also told loads of stories about sexual things he had done, it used to make me a bit paranoid and inadequate. He told me a really sad story about a girl he was seeing getting pregnant and having to have an abortion and how it affected him really badly.

 

This was when i was at University and it was something of a LDR at first. He used to say he was falling for me but then withdraw for days. He used to have a go at me if I "called too often" and would often say if he wanted to see other people I would never know and "its not like your my girlfriend". One day we had a disagreement and he said me and him would never be together. I was upset and took these words to heart and stupidly turned to drink and had 2 ONS of which I am very ashamed. When I returned he professed his love for me and I ended up confessing that i had got with someone at uni and he was devastated but managed to forgive me and we decided to make a go of things.

 

After this we were together a year and a half and although it was a very up and down relationship, he loved me so much and I loved him too.

 

He had some trust issues that seemed to get worse. We hardly went out together and Id often just go hang at his place which I was happy with because I was with him. If we did go out on rare occasions he would seem distant and get really angry if a guy tried to talk to me and say things like "thats my girlfriend"...once he disappeared for 10 mins and came back and his knuckles were bleeding. It worried me a bit but in a twisted way I liked that he cared so much and I felt protected. I still went out with my friends clubbing but he would never join us however much i asked, and then be all quiet and withdrawn/depressed when i came in. It used to make me feel bad and I gradually saw a little less of them.

 

He used to joke around a lot about silly things like my weight or he would get annoyed when i did my makeup because he would say I was vain and care more about myself and if i had been round his he would sometimes say "Im bored, go home" and get annoyed if i got upset. He used to say the only reason girls went out clubbing was to pull guys and didnt trust me at all.

 

Then a few months ago it suddenly got worse. My email account got hacked and someone had anonymously left me a nasty message saying that there will always be someone better/nicer/prettier than me and that my precious boyfriend knows this and is looking already. This person knew about my past eating disorders and things that only the people closest to me know about. i still to this day dont know who it was but when I went to my ex for comfort he shouted at me and said.

 

"What do you expect? Talking to your friends on the internet all the time. Its blatantly another guy. its your fault this has happened to you."

 

Then a couple of weeks later, it all came to a head. I had a few drinks round his and he got really annoyed saying Im fake and an awful drunk and that when I have alcohol Im a bad person. He accused me of flirting with his flatmate because I laughed at his jokes and he said I had humiliated him in front of his friends. He said he needed to take a break from me. In the past he has also accused me of liking his brother! He said "Why dont you just go a f him, its clearly what you want".

 

He would say he didnt like certain friends of mine and would get upset when i saw them. He asked me nicely if I would stop talking to my guy friends to help him get over the jealousy and i complied.

 

During this break (couple of weeks). We met up a few times and he would say he never got over what I did at uni, and that Im a terrible person and I will do it again. One night he went mental and punched a park bench and started shouting and crying and ran accross a busy road. I heard a car screech and went hysterical crying. We calmed eachother down.

 

He seemed to be getting a little better but then during the break he kept asking if there was anyone else and calling me a liar when i said no. He kept on and on until I confessed to something else at uni (before we were even together). I felt guilty like i had done something terrible and ended up telling him about my past and he went totally mental saying he hates me and loves me in the same sentence.

 

He said its over for good, but two weeks later turned up at my house and said

 

"The only way you will ever be truly sorry, and i will ever believe you, is if you look me in the eye and admit you are a wh**re and a s**t to my face. then i will know you are sorry."

 

I was upset and would not say it and he said "i hope this has been worth it, I never want to see you again, i wish you had chosen me. I love you but you deserve this, you will have to live with what you are forever, a liar and a bad person. You are the worst person I have ever met. If you died i wouldnt care"

 

 

He also told me that all the girls in the past were a lie and I was actually his first ever girlfriend. I said "what about the girls you always talk about" and he said "I made it all up."

 

Havnt heard anything since and I miss him a lot. Despite all of this he only ever had my best interests at heart and i took it for granted.

 

It seems to me like this is some kind of punishment. He kept going on about the injustice.

 

I guess after reading some other posts i kinda want to know if this would count as emotional abuse even though its my fault so I guess not.

He said Im the only girl hes ever loved and I deserve everything i get.

 

Is this just depression? Do you think he will punish me with silence forever? I miss him In a way I deserve it.

[Vince99]

He's not punishing you with silence...he's doing you a favor. He's a liar too, and quite out of control. Move on as quick as you can and be glad it ended when it did.

[Just Me85]

I feel bad having written all this stuff. I just want to stress he was also very affectionate and loving and he would tell me everyday how much he loves me. He was very caring and protective.

 

I miss him a lot im just trying to understand. Maybe this is all my fault and he is too hurt I dont deserve forgiveness

[Vince99]

I feel bad having written all this stuff. I just want to stress he was also very affectionate and loving and he would tell me everyday how much he loves me.

 

Even the most dangerous people are capable of this. Doesn't mean much.

 

Everyone deserves forgiveness if they are sorry.

[philove]

It was an unhealthy relationship from the start. Now I know the full story I have to say I think you are definitely better off without him.

 

He has some trust and insecurity issues he needs to work on himself before the both of you can ever get back together.

 

I think your the breakup was probably a blessing in disguise, walk away from him because he was treating you with emotional abuse.

[Just Me85]

I know you probably think I sound crazy but I do feel responsible.

 

I feel like a w**re and a s**t. The other day a guy complimented me when I was out with my friends and said I was pretty but it made me feel disgusting that someone was looking at me like that, like I was attracting attention and they just want to use me or something I dont know.

 

One of the things he said when we were on a break that I cant forget.

 

"You killed the girl I fell in love with. You killed me. You made me this way, you are the reason I have depression and your the reason I have anger issues."

 

Basically said its my fault he is the way he is. I wish I could be better.

[philove]

No basically he is trying to use you as a scapegoat for his issues.

 

Can you not see what he has done to you mentally?

 

He has made you feel totally worthless and thats all because of the emotional abuse he has given you.

 

Everything is about him, his feelings, his emotions. He never took your feelings into consideration.

 

The sooner you realise this the better.

[Just Me85]

Its been a month now since I heard anything.

 

See, I always thought if someone is in an abusive relationship, that the abuser fears the abused leaving them, and that causes the problems. But HE left ME, and I still havnt left him mentally, so how does that work?

 

Sorry for all the questions, Im in a very confused place right now.

 

Despite it all I do love him with all my heart.

[philove]

Every abusive relationship is different. It's impossible to put a relationship into a set catagory.

 

I can understand why you feel confused but with time you will gain clarity.

 

You really have to stop making excuses for him and it's good that you posted here because I think and hope you are starting to see things in a different light.

 

Let me ask you a question.

 

Do you think if you got back with your ex the abuse would stop?

 

Do you think he would suddenly trust you again?

 

And more importantly do you think you would be happy in relationship where there is zero trust and so many emotional difficulties?

[Just Me85]

Do you think if you got back with your ex the abuse would stop?

 

I would want us to both get help together. Im not sure whether this is good or bad but I actually preferred spending time with him than some of my friends and if it meant he wanted to give it another try I would consider cutting some ties to do so.

 

Do you think he would suddenly trust you again?

 

Trust has to be earned. Maybe I could prove it somehow. But I know what your saying, and your probably right. I dont think he will change, but I do love him and over time had learnt to cope with the issues.

 

And more importantly do you think you would be happy in relationship where there is zero trust and so many emotional difficulties?

 

When its just me and him, and no one else to worry about its perfect. other people in my life like friends and family caused a problem because they didnt all like him and i would get exhausted sticking up for him. I would always fight for him in any given situation and always stick up for him.

 

But i suppose this is all fairytales. its just Im 23 now and its taken 23 years fall in love so hard! I dont think I will ever be in love again. I seriously pictured myself getting married to him. I feel like if God exists, I must deserve this. I must have done something wrong because it doesnt make sense otherwise.

[philove]

You are putting up with alot of crap and sacrifices just to make this man happy.

 

Relationships are all about mutual trust and respect and your relationship had none of that at all.

 

You can't live your live having to stick up and repress yourself just for one person, you are going against the person you are and thats just plain unhealthy.

 

You are 23! You are still soooo young with so much life ahead of you. Life is way to short to dwell on one man who obviously doesn't deserve you.

[philove]

But i suppose this is all fairytales. its just Im 23 now and its taken 23 years fall in love so hard! I dont think I will ever be in love again. I seriously pictured myself getting married to him. I feel like if God exists, I must deserve this. I must have done something wrong because it doesnt make sense otherwise.

 

I bet you will fall in love again!

 

If god does exist maybe it's his way of teaching you a valuable lesson about relationships i.e. love is never straightforward and sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people but you can take the knowledge learnt and apply it to any future relationships you have.

 

You will know what red flags to look out for and you will learn from your past mistakes.

[Aurian]

Yes, it is emotional abuse what he had been doing to you.

 

--- Making lies to earn your sympathy or to manipulate you.

 

--- Controlling you and making it hard to have any outside interests or contacts. Making it seem like its the world vs him, and trying to isolate you.

 

--- Blaming you for all his faults. He is the one with trust issues. He is the one with depression and paranoia.

 

--- Breaking down your self esteem by blaming you, rubbing your face in your flaws, calling you names, making you feel ashamed of yourself. A good partner accepts flaws or supports the other person. The other person may help you change some flaws and be supportive, and love the rest of you, but the abuser takes your flaws, invents other ones, blows them out of proportion and uses them to beat you over the head.

 

The kicker is him wanting you to call yourself degrading terms, and you believing that you are. See how low he has dragged you?

 

--- Love? That isn`t how love should be. You mention that he could also be affectionate too. That is what the abuser does - if they were nasty 24/7 nobody would fall into their clutches in the first place. They act in a good way to hook you, and then revert to their true selves. Once in awhile, they will act nice again to keep you hooked, while making you think you caused their bad behaviour. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He chooses to behave this way. No matter what you did, he would find something to pick at, blow apart and hurt you with.

 

My ex was abusive and contantly found a litanty of flaws. Every flaw I fixed, there was another, and another and another and another. But you know what? If he really loved me, he would have loved my so-called flaws, which are a part of being human. No matter how hard I tried, there was always something new he could rip into me about. It never ended.

 

That is not love.

 

That is abuse.

 

I know it feels so scary and alone right now, but you can do so much better than someone who brings you pain and crushes your spirit.

[Aurian]

I bet you will fall in love again!

 

If god does exist maybe it's his way of teaching you a valuable lesson about relationships i.e. love is never straightforward and sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people but you can take the knowledge learnt and apply it to any future relationships you have.

 

You will know what red flags to look out for and you will learn from your past mistakes.

 

 

Perhaps, although I wish I did not have such a harsh lesson. It did make me very discriminating in who I would date after that, and what I would and would not accept from people I let into my life.

 

Abusers = :splat:

[Stella Sleepwalks]

My ex was abusive and contantly found a litanty of flaws. Every flaw I fixed, there was another, and another and another and another. But you know what? If he really loved me, he would have loved my so-called flaws, which are a part of being human. No matter how hard I tried, there was always something new he could rip into me about. It never ended.

 

Really excellent post - you hit the nail on the head. Abusers never stop doing this, and the "flaws" they find are usually petty and unimportant, but highlighted in an overdramatic way.

 

People like these project their problems onto others, because it is always easer to pass the buck than accept that they are the ones with the problems.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Perhaps, although I wish I did not have such a harsh lesson. It did make me very discriminating in who I would date after that, and what I would and would not accept from people I let into my life.

 

Abusers =

 

I think that in future you will know not to ignore those red flags when they start waving... Probably before you invest too many feelings and be able to walk away relieved rather than heart broken.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Just Me85]

Thanks for your advice.

 

Do you think its possible for an abuser to be unaware of what they are doing and to truly believe what they say/do?

 

I just find it hard to think of him as an abuser. I also have been finding it very hard to trust people, especially guys. In fact I havnt even properly spoken to any guys at all because it makes me feel like a s**t or that they only want to talk to me because they think Im easy or something. Is this normal?

 

I still have a long way to go until Im completely over him, but Im terrified that Ill forever be hearing his voice in my head. I love him so much, but this post is helping me to realise I have to try and move on somehow.

 

I found out last week from a mutual friend that he has been going out a lot and Im nervous because we live in a small town. The friend actually warned me saying he has been acting in a very hateful way towards me and even said in a passing comment.

 

"The women in this town are b**tches and so anything I do with them will get back to her."

 

He also said to someone that if I loved him I would have killed myself.

 

Does this still count as abuse? We arent together anymore and he has made it clear that he never wants to speak to me again.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Do you think its possible for an abuser to be unaware of what they are doing and to truly believe what they say/do?

 

I believe it is more than likely an abuser will pretend their behaviour is normal because they do not want to take any responsiblity for their actions.

 

In this way, YOU become the abuser, and they become the victim.

 

And yes, it is still abuse - anyone who talks like this is abusive and sick. Ignore him, he's twisted and nothing anyone can do can help him. Some people are really just a lost cause. That is the hardest part o accept.

[Aurian]

I think that in future you will know not to ignore those red flags when they start waving... Probably before you invest too many feelings and be able to walk away relieved rather than heart broken.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Oh I did - I made it a mission to read up on abusers and red flags. I think I avoid a few along the way, but I did find someone wonderful who treats me the way I truly deserve (and he thinks my flaws are cute!).

 

 

 

Do you think its possible for an abuser to be unaware of what they are doing and to truly believe what they say/do?

 

Some may be, but others are just too cunning for it to be an accident.

 

I just find it hard to think of him as an abuser. I also have been finding it very hard to trust people, especially guys. In fact I havnt even properly spoken to any guys at all because it makes me feel like a s**t or that they only want to talk to me because they think Im easy or something. Is this normal?

 

Yes, this is normal. After all, you`ve had someone you loved and trusted tell you all these awful things about you that you believed. Now you think those same things about yourself. Please, find a way to shed those things. Forgive yourself. Argue against the things you have come to believe and believe new things about yourself.

 

I still have a long way to go until Im completely over him, but Im terrified that Ill forever be hearing his voice in my head. I love him so much, but this post is helping me to realise I have to try and move on somehow.

 

That voice will last for awhile - that is why you need to work hard at rejecting the things he said. Try not to accept everything anymore. What I did, with the help of counselling, is to sort out what things were true, but blown out of proportion, and what things were simply not true. You can accept your flaws or work to improve them to feel better about yourself or reject what he said as simple crap. Abusers are so good at picking up anything you might feel insecure about and blowing them out of proportion until they feel like huge evil things.

 

 

He also said to someone that if I loved him I would have killed myself.

What a sicko. He mistreats you and tried to crush you so that you can`t live without him... That is what he wants - someone who can`t live without him. That isn`t love, that is control.

 

Does this still count as abuse? We arent together anymore and he has made it clear that he never wants to speak to me again.

Yes, you are still "hearing" his hurtful comments. Please ask your mutual friend to stop passing them along. They do no good, and can only hurt you. Now is the time to work on your self esteem and to shut your ex out of your life.

 

You are free of him! No more nasty words! No more put downs! You can see friends and family again! You have a life again!

[Just Me85]

Thanks guys. This forum has been so helpful to me. I dont really know how I ended up here, I guess I started reading about abuse after my friends and family kept telling me that I was being emotionally abused.

 

I guess I didnt want to believe it, but coming on here and talking to people is making me realise just how bad things were getting.

 

I painted the relationship up to be perfect, that he was the love of my life. I still feel the same way about him but not the relationship anymore. There was so much wrong with it before we broke up. Coming on here has made it easier for me to try and let go. It means I can tell myself I have no choice but to stay away for my own safety/sanity whatever.

 

I actually went out with my friends this weekend. We hit a few clubs, I danced, I had fun and I cant remember the last time I laughed so much. Chatted to a few nice men to try and conquer my fears. Its making me feel like maybe there are nice people out there, although its still going to take a long time before I can trust fully. Its weird, if someone is nice to me or pays me a compliment, I can get quite choked.

 

But what Im trying to say is thankyou for your time. You have been a great help and you know what, yeah its a sad situation but I refuse to be a victim.

 

Thanks x

[Devlgrrl]

I'm so glad that you got away from him and are finding yourself and happiness once again! Good luck to you Just Me85!

[Tethys]

How are you doing Justme? I read through your whole thread, and now I am wondering how you are!

[iknewyoudleave]

I feel bad having written all this stuff. I just want to stress he was also very affectionate and loving and he would tell me everyday how much he loves me. He was very caring and protective.

 

I miss him a lot im just trying to understand. Maybe this is all my fault and he is too hurt I dont deserve forgiveness

 

 

No. Don't think that way. It's not true. Trust me on this, what you described sounded like a relationship I was in. I'm sorry to tell you this darling but it was an abusive relationship. He tried to control u by keeping u away from people that he didn't like for some odd reason. My guy did the EXACT same with me. Plese understand this kid, it is hard to get past these things, but you will eventually get past it. Look back on your relationship. More bad than good? Not a good sign. Trust me on ALL of this I know what you're going through.

If your guy accused u of cheating on him, that meant that he was cheating on u. Trust me, my friend has been through that kinda thing SEVERAL times, and it also occurred to me.

You don't wanna leave yourself feeling guilty, if he didn't like some of the things about you, u should've told him to get over it, because you shouldn't have to change who u are just to make someone else happy. Get past this relationship, you'll be happier, trust me.