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facing reality: our egos our illusions our pain?


canali
Anger Problems
Anger Problems

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So many of us here seem to ignore red flags or lament that in hindsight we didn't keep grounded in reality of how we were truly relating to our exes ...hey I'm guilty!

 

Perhaps we were not really being fully honest rabout certain issues that were avoided or denied...or there were real and significant differences that couldn't be resolved

(denial)...

 

... or maybe we thought too much about being in a better emotional place future wise thinking our current issues would eventually sort themselves out (denial and wishful thinking...or not taking real responsibility for our happiness... or wanting to be rescued etc ).

 

(My ex for example told me right from the beginning of our two years together that in her opinion we "were too different" despite doing tons of stuff together and having what I thought to be shared values ie education the outdoors health ideas etc...but while I can yap on all I want in thinking our differences to be complimentary but if SHE doesn't feel similar then we still are not on the same page.)

 

Back to my thread.

 

Consequently in many instances one or both parties avoids dealing with what is real ...maybe for example one of you had a hard time dealing with anger given it is such a taboo yet very prominent emotion (ie when and how to deal with this scary yet powerful force that often masks frustration and hurt).

 

We all want to believe in love because with the right partner love can help us heal certain emotional wounds and vacancies from the past ...create hope for the future...and give us power and inspiration for today.

 

Yet I suspect that in reality many of us clung to some 'thing' that was no longer working for either one or both of us ...and as we found out often if things do not get resolved then one of us leaves.

 

Sometimes it seems so "sudden" when the SO ditches us for someone else because we thought that "all was going well"... so we feel enraged when the rug is pulled out from under us!

 

But really IMO I think we are choked because the ex had the courage to face the truth and they just happened to

beat us to the finish line.

 

(Not always of course as sometimes people do want a change and can be fickle or what was real before no longer is so now and they don't want to fix things or share what is going on--my situation partly--they just want out ...to move on.)

 

But how our egos rage!

 

Because we still wish to cling to an image...to a dream ....we fluxuate between warm memories of the past and missed future dreams.

 

So is our pain based on missed poortunities or more about ego and denial and wishful thinking?

 

...or both?

 

So think clearly and share please what issues you or your ex were neglecting (that is if you have enough perspective to be able to see such).

 

I will share my own shortly as typing from BlackBerry....yet my other recent threads show my ego and illusions.

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Whoa, this really hit home with me. I've realised over time the challenge of staying with my ex was more important to me then just being with them (if that makes sense) and he did have the courage to say something when I didn't.

 

Me and my big fat ego

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I don't mind taking the blame for something I have done. I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have apologized in ALL of my relationships/friendships/etc...and sometimes it wasn't even my responsibility (but I didn't know that at the time).

 

If I knew that I did something that wasn't good, I would try to correct it and make things right. The thing is, I feel helpless in this situation with my ex because I don't even REALLY know why it ended. Well I guess maybe I do...but I don't even think it had anything to do with me.

 

Actually, Canali...I just had an insight...maybe the fact that it really DIDN'T have anything to do with me IS an issue of my ego!

 

My ex seemed to blame me (at least to some extent) for why he was not ready to be a husband (because he couldn't be himself...I guess...just putting things he said together). But maybe the truth of the matter is that he broke up with me because of his OWN issues and that *I* really am not responsible for anything. Maybe I WANT to be responsible in some sick sense...

 

Maybe by being responsible, it will give me the illusion that I had some control over avoiding our break up. But maybe he would have broken up with me no matter what, whether I was Paris Hilton or Mother Theresa. And maybe that's what hurts...the fact that I had no say. The fact that his issues existed and might continue to exist and I hve no bearing on his life at all. He is simply too hung up on his issues to care about me or working things out.

 

Maybe I partly like feeling blamed so I can feel like a victim. At least that gives me some justification if not real justice.

 

I wish all of this was just a bad dream though. Why can't my ex just see his problems, deal with them, and come back to me a better person? It doesn't seem too hard to do, logically, but realistically, I know I am being ridiculous and I better snap back into reality.

 

(I hope all this venting helps me get over it because I feel like I'm going backwards today

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I replied to your other posting...as mentioned in one of my other blogs I am funding all these emotions come in cycles so at least with THAT awareness you can renember that sanity saver phrase "this too will pass!"...keep getting TLC and healing love in your life...we all need that right now!

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I think both these paragraphs sum up perfectly what we are all going through.

 

Some people are selfish, by design or by corruption and no matter what we can do, we cannot physically force people to do anything, and that includes change. We are just there at the wrong times.

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A short note as I should be finishing an assignment (only two more days!).... this is a great topic.

 

Following up on something WW said.....My question is: How do you know whose responsibility is what when it comes to the failure of a relationship? I guess this is where I have trouble.

 

When are we taking too much blame? When are we not taking enough? Do the values, unique personalities and expectations of the persons that come into each relationship mean a different answer every time?

 

After MUCH effort on my part, I think I understand my part in the demise (at least I know I have learned alot about myself and understand my ex much better now, sadly after the fact).. but maybe there is something else and I am totally missing the boat. I say this even though I did have an opportunity for 'closure'.

 

Hope this makes sense..

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Thanks guys ! ...tis a great point you both make : TIMING is key isn't it? ... yet ultimately is so OUT of our control too.

 

...if people don't want to change with us then we have to let go as painful as it is...sucks but it also frees us to find someone who IS on the same page and thus is more ultimately more compatible right?

 

And twomonks: I hear you as per how to separate who is responsible for what....guess it all comes down to finding someone who has a compatible temperament set of values and behaviours...hell getting it right is tough but trying to make our wishes a reality to "last" the long haul is even tougher (is this dream an illusion that just causes is endless and needless heartache ... or a noble dream that is hardwired into us...or is it?

 

Perhaps another good thread?)

 

I think both these paragraphs sum up perfectly what we are all going through.

 

Some people are selfish, by design or by corruption and no matter what we can do, we cannot physically force people to do anything, and that includes change. We are just there at the wrong times.

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So think clearly and share please what issues you or your ex were neglecting (that is if you have enough perspective to be able to see such).

 

I will share my own shortly as typing from BlackBerry....yet my other recent threads show my ego and illusions.

 

Good post. I was shocked and devastated when my ex broke up with me last February. It was "true love" and he never showed me a single inkling that he was unhappy or unfulfilled. However, neither did I, even though I thought about breaking up with him on new year's eve (to this day he still doesn't know that). The reason I thought about it was because he lived with his mother (who was overbearing) and I felt like she was always going to be in the way. Also, he wanted to live in his childhood house forever, which means I would have no say in where I lived if I were to stay with him. We threw a NYE party at his house and when I saw the way everyone reacted to how beautiful his house was, I thought that he deserved to be with someone who loved his house as much as he does and that I deserved to be with someone who would be willing to be flexible about where we live. Then I thought about how much I loved him and couldn't bear to be with out him so I gave myself a one more year deadline (we would have been together 4 years by then) to either will myself to want the life that he wanted to give me or to finally call it a loss. I guess you could say my decision was cowardly and selfish, especially since I never shared those thoughts with him, but I just thought it was all part of love. We never made it to my self-imposed deadline and when he broke up with me, I couldn't believe it because it wasn't how I saw it happening. I always figured we would have a conversation and realize that we could not compromise on the living arrangements and part two broken-hearted people.

 

So the red flags of the mother and the house always existed, but I did rely on wishful thinking and that time would change us or our circumstances to suddenly make everything workout. To this day, I don't even know if these were his reasons for why we ultimately couldn't work, but they are the only ones that I can see.

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