misspearl Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Why is this happening to me...I got over my ex...I did. But now...I'm recently getting all these flashbacks. And he is ALL I can think about. My life is so empty without our vibarant love and the energy between us. It's been 9 months. I got over him after 4/5 months. But then we started talking again for a bit, a couple of months ago. He started contacting me, we met up a couple of times, and he was texting me a lot, he made it clear he still has feelings for me, and that he misses us. But, in the long run, he was confused and still phobic of the idea of a relationship (because of the potential drama and our past) so nothing really became of it and we just parted ways again. I went on vacation for a while, came back a week ago. And ever since i've been back, I've just been feeling a great deal of things. I think one of the hardest things about this is knowing that he still loves me, knowing that he still misses me, but our of 'fear' and 'doing what is right' and 'because it didn't work out last time' he's chosen not to do anything about it. And it makes me wonder 'should I do something now, whilst he still feels something?' He always used to say 'there is no one else, and there never could be'. And he still hasn't seen anyone else yet, so I think he MUST feel the same way as me at least to some extent. And yet...I just don't know what to do about it. What are you supposed to do when someone is so close, yet so far away? I simply can't bring myself to call him. I CAN'T bring myself to message him. He's right there on my blackberry messenger contact list. But I can't bring myself to do anything, and the worst part of it is that I just question regret, and I keep wondering if I SHOULD do something. I watch every Arsenal football match because I know he'll be watching, and when I'm not in London I always check the weather for over there anyway so I know if he's happy or sad. I wake up and i have these vivid memories...not just of two people who have stuff in common trying to make it work. But of two people who are crazy about each other and wanted to be together forever. I'm going crazy but I can't let any of it out. The restraint of everything held inside of me is just making me extremely melancholy and i feel like im emotionally going through hell and dying. What should I do? Am I doing the right thing but staying away from him and not contacting him? Link to comment
jasav1 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 How old are you guys and why did you break up? Sounds like you both want each other back but I'm also guessing the two questions above will give us all a bit more information about this situation, and potentially why you guys aren't getting back together, yet. Link to comment
misspearl Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 I'm 20 he's 22. Well there's a lot more to it really, that i didn't mention in this thread. A couple of months ago when we started talking we also kissed in his car. He said he hadn't kissed anyone else since we broke up. But nothing became of it. And then at one point, because he was so withdrawn, I thought that I didn't even care anymore because I couldn't take him seriously...he kept blowing hot and cold. We did have a talk and he said "I thought things could work out, that's why I kissed you, but the past can't be forgotten". The thing is, it's not like I cheated on him or anything, so I wish he would just get over it. But we used to fight a lot and I used to lie a lot (white lies). And then I said "ok fine". It was quite long-winded actually. Because we started talking again a week later. It happened again and then he said he can't happen again because he's "can't be involved with me unless we're in a relationship". So I said (as anyone else in their right mind would) "Why don't we just be together then??" And he completely freaked out. He was like "What, after everything, after all the drama, after all of that, how could you suggest that!!" And I was thinking, What a shame that he's so scared of it all. I was so upset and pissed off. Because i know deep down how happy it would make him, but he just put on this cool front. And yeah maybe he didn't want a full on relationship at the time, but it was clear that he still liked me, so we could have at least taken it slowly. But no. He backed away completely. Then we met up for coffee a few days later so I could clarify where I stand with him before I go on vacation and start getting busy with exams in May. And we just talked, he was acting quite withdrawn, and he said he wanted us to be friends. But deep down I knew after that I wouldn't contact him (unless he contacted me). And he did just before I went away, he sent me a sweet text, ending 'take care'. And i know what take care means (it means goodbye for a long time). So I replied saying take care also, etc. And we haven't talked since then. Link to comment
Cnstnt Evolutn Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 ahh i know what that's like..to want something and the other party doesnt put out even when you know they would like it....Like why would they deprive themselves of you hehe Question....who broke up with who?? Link to comment
misspearl Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 He broke up with me in the middle of a fight, because he "couldn't take the drama" anymore and that I wasn't "putting any effort" and i "didn't care about him because I wasn't honest". It was only stupid white lies! He's a stubborn stubborn man. I know he didn't want the break up to happen, I remember in September, when it was all still fresh, and it breaks my heart to imagine this, but his brother told me that I shouldnt think I'm the only one hurting, because how he depended on him so much because apparently he used to talk to his brother a lot and shed tears and vent his feelings. Just thinking about it all makes me want to cry so much. I remember how mad he was at me. He wouldn't talk to me, see me. I thought he could never forgive me. I'm surprised we managed to be friends in the end of it all. Pleasantly surprised of course! And also, whilst we did have that recent period of 'friendship/feelings for each other' he always expected me to do the initiating. It's weird because I always felt like since he dumped me, he should be the one to come forward. Yet he saw it as the opposite somehow. That since I 'ruined everything' I should be the one making all the effort. And then when i DID drop the bomb and suggest a relationship again he backed right away! Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 He broke up with me in the middle of a fight, because he "couldn't take the drama" anymore and that I wasn't "putting any effort" and i "didn't care about him because I wasn't honest". It was only stupid white lies! He's a stubborn stubborn man. Is that really the whole story? Not to belittle those reasons (they're good reasons), but, from my experience, when there aren't other people involved (meaning he didn't use those lines to rationalize running off with another girl), then there's always hope and opportunity to start anew. Why shouldn't there be? People (particularly at your ages) change and mature whether they consciously intend to or not. Fighting and "drama" (as long as we aren't talking about infidelity or abuse) can be overcome, forgotten and left behind. ... whilst we did have that recent period of 'friendship/feelings for each other' he always expected me to do the initiating. It's weird because I always felt like since he dumped me, he should be the one to come forward. Yet he saw it as the opposite somehow. That since I 'ruined everything' I should be the one making all the effort. I don't wanna side with him over you, but I see the logic. It's entirely possible that, in his mind, you dumped him, you just didn't realize it at the time. By the time he "ended" the relationship, he believed it was already over and his physical leaving was only a technicality. I'm familiar with this first hand. My girlfriend and I are currently separated, and it would appear, superficially, that she left me, because she moved out of our house to be alone. But now I know, without doubt, that she believes I had actually left her long before then. In her words, I was emotionally "checked out," and she couldn't take it anymore. But this ... my dear young girl ... can be fixed after time apart and a period of deep soul searching. That time is almost up, and no matter how the situation might appear on the surface, I need to reapproach her. Your ex probably sees it the same way. And then when i DID drop the bomb and suggest a relationship again he backed right away! He's afraid to experience the hurt all over again. When I reapproach my girlfriend next month, once I finish grad school, she's going to react the same way. So what do you and I do? We move slowly and cautiously, gradually instilling confidence in our exes that we have studied the past, that we understand the issues, that we've made changes, that we're still making changes, and that we're ready for a new beginning that captures the best of the past and leaves everything else behind. Have you made these changes? Do you really understand the root causes of your breakup? Do you really understand why your relationship failed? Do you really empathize with his feelings? If your honest answers are "no," that's OK. Give it more time, as much time as you both need, and keep working on yourself. But if the honest answers are "yes ... then godspeed and go get your man! Link to comment
misspearl Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Thank you very much for you extensive advice! Those really are the reasons. He's just very stubborn and hates going against his past decisions. I believe the past can be forgotten too. but he just, i think subconciously, wont let go. he's very very negative about it working between us. I want to do anything for him and i believe that i can. I believe I'm a lot more mature. I think everything I've been through, the depression of the break up all those months ago, the reflection etc. everything has made me a stronger and more knowledgable person. but he wont believe me. he has a right not to, because ive forever been saying that we can work things out, and it just hasn't worked. I think even if he wanted to believe me (which im sure he does), he cant trust it will work. He doesn't even want to RISK it. Shall i wait til summer, and try to approach him then? Though I'm scared by then he will have moved on... Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I went back and re-read your original post, and your situation is odd. It appears that you already had your time apart. Was it a true separation with no contact? And when you began communicating again, did you apply pressure? Have you moved slowly? How'd the "relationship" even come back up again? Anyway, I might suggest "limited contact," but you have to be sure to ratchet down your emotions and just try to be sexy and fun when you do see him. We guys like that; we don't like drama. Link to comment
misspearl Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Lol yeah thats exactly what i was doing- being sexy and fun with no drama, which he why we kissed, and then he backed away. I guess the second time we kissed is when we 'properly' started talking about things. because he had doubts after the first time we kissed, and then after the second time i just said 'if you dont want it to happen, why did it happen again?' And then we had the whole talk. And now we're pretty much back in 'no contact'. I could call/message if I wanted to but I can't bring myself to do so. After I was blown off, there really isn't much i can say. It's so stupid because on the other hand, he wouldn't contact me because, as i said in my other post, he sees me as the one who is supposed to 'make any of the effort'. But I just want to slap him and say 'well you blew me off!' Before any of this happened, we had about 4/5 months of No Contact. And since the actual break up it had been about 6/7 months. So yeah, lots of time apart!! And now we're back to that. I just wish i could make him see sense. Link to comment
NextTime Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 misspearl, I understand your frustration. My ex is the same way. We broke up in fall 08 and had 1 months of LC and then 6 months of NC. He broke up with me because he was afraid of commitment. We recently got in touch again and although we both admitted that we missed each other and thought of one another all the time, he seemed to blame me for being responsible for why we were NC for so long -- and he was the dumper. I haven't heard from him since and I won't be contacting him. Primarily because when we were together he once told me that if a guy really wants to be with you they WILL let you know about it. Link to comment
misspearl Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 Update- Flashbacks still there...still want to cry each time one enters my mind (ie. every hour). I feel quite helpless, because I can't contact him. Hes not contacting me. And yes...they will LET you KNOW if they want you badly enough. But in this case it's not really like that because he seems to think its 'wrong' to contact me. He also has pride issues as well because every time he HAS contacted me in the past, he always makes up some bull * * * * excuse, instead of admitting that him WANTING to talk to me was the ACTUAL reason! I feel like I want him and he wants me but there is this gigantic brick wall between us which wont let us be together. And i feel like this brick wall is partly made up of... our past his fear his trust his reluctance his work his pride I can understand it all from his point of view to be honest. The ONLY thing that I DO NOT understand...is...if you're never going to be with anyone else, WILL YOU JUST BE WITH ME?! Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 And i feel like this brick wall is partly made up of... our past his fear his trust his reluctance his work his pride I can understand it all from his point of view to be honest. This is great stuff. You do empathize with his feelings, which is a great foundation for a repaired and lasting relationship. ('Course we don't know if he's empathizing with your issues, and I'm certain you have some legitimate ones.) The ONLY thing that I DO NOT understand...is...if you're never going to be with anyone else, WILL YOU JUST BE WITH ME?! I don't understand it either. Give him time, give him time, give him time ... Link to comment
misspearl Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 thanks I do want to give it time...I'm hoping the time apart will bring us closer when we re-meet, rather than draw us further apart. (My only worry is the latter happening). in the past , a lot of time apart usually makes him curious about me, and i get the feeling he starts to think 'what is she doing, who is she spending time with these days, how is her life now' and thats when he is eager to find out what I'm like. And then when we DO meet , he's usually (not always ) falls back in love with me again - I see this look in the eye that gives it away. So I can't help having hope, I just keep picturing it in my head - I'll wait until exams are over and in summer we'll re-meet again and hopefully he'll want to make things work again. For as long as we've known each other we've always had a lot of memories in summer...i just couldn't imagine summer without him. I think I'd get dreadfully depressed. Because at least now (and this whole past year), I've had work, and other things to keep me busy. But FOUR MONTHS of solitary life............i can't bear it !!!!!!!! Especially when its hot and everyone is supposed to be happy. SO...yesssss I just can't help this re-occurring hope of things working out somehow after a couple of months of silence. In mid-June we can work things out maybe if we dont , my hopes will be so crushed.......i just hope it doesn't happen that way. i hope i don't want to lose him after all these years when I know that we could make it work, I wish he could find that trust again, and that faith. I love him so much! I know I'm rambling now, but it really helps to vent everything out sometimes. Link to comment
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