Do I need advice or a swift kick in the butt??

[rythaman]

I'm sure you get tons of e-mail on this subject...probably some worse scenarios than what I have, but, I guess it's all a question of how close to the situation you are that determines the pain you feel right?

 

Anyway...I spent last year dating and getting to know this wonderful woman. We ultimately got married this past Sept.. Now, of course we had our differences, arguments and problems but overall I think we did well together. So, the surprise I felt in starting divorce proceedings in Oct. is still in me. Yes that's right I walked away from a very healthy and wonderful marraige. I still do not fully realize why I did it. A little study on the internet and some talking to old friends points to a rather ugly pattern of evasion and laziness. It seems that I have always walked away from relationships in the past that were fine. An unwillingness to commit and work on it or suddenly feeling hemmed in and needing more self-time, a little leaning toward co-dependency. I'm getting things figured out and am heading toward healing myself. Which brings me to the problem. When I walked out that door last Oct. I hurt a very wonderful woman badly and for the first time in my life I hurt my self too.. I knew I was making the mistake of a lifetime, but stubborness and pride and frustration at not knowing how to communicate with her kept me from being a real adult and working things out with her. Now I sit alone at night and wonder at how things might have been. Well as luck would have it we made peace and talk as friends still. I finally got up the courage to talk to her about what had happened and tried to explain the things that had happened from my point of view. I think...well i hope that I finally got her to understand that it was not her that I was unhappy with as she believed,but, that it was my frustration with myself that over boiled. I told her all the things that I had discovered about myself and the under-lying purpose of me taking the time to figure this stuff out was that I didn't want to lose her forever that I hope we might try again, go back and start over and work things out. I know this was a lot to ask of her , but I was still shocked when she point blank told me that because of what had happened she had changed, she was not the person she used to be, and that she did not think that we would have anything in common anymore.( first question: Is it possible that she really changed that much in so short of a time? or would this be more of a defence against me?) She also said that she would never be able to trust me with her heart again. Now I kind of understand this one...a fear of me walking out again, understandable, but never? would there be nothing I could do to reassure her? I know that most people would say something about time here, but what if she is saying that she doesn't want to take the time? And the most confusing thing is that she is saying all of this and at the same time saying she would not rule out anything...that if we were meant to be together we would be? I also have to ask about this, after a year long intense relationship and a wonderful ,albeit short,marraige what should I think about her already moving another guy in with her in under 3 months? Is he some type of rebound or is it possible that he really means something to her? I truly love this woman and would spend the rest of my life happily atoning for all the pain I have caused her. Is there any hope for me? should i continue to profess my love for her and do my best to be there for her or should I back off and hope that one day she might look my way again?

 

Thanks for any advice you might have

rythaman

[Gilgamesh]

Ok first off, one big butt kick is in order, now that thats over with.

 

Yep a person can change that quick, if the person you love, trust, and decided to live the rest of your life with just divorces you for no reason, that will change their view of you, in her eyes, your not the same person she trusted.

 

She obviously loves you and is probably holding onto hope that maybe she will be able to trust you again. but this may or may not ever happen.

 

Instead of focusing on her, you should try and get some help, because whatever caused you to panic out of the marriage the first time around is still a potential problem, recognizing you have one is a good first step, but i dont think your cured, and she may be having the same doubts.