loss of love

[rythaman]

I'm sure you get tons of e-mail on this subject...probably some worse scenarios than what I have, but, I guess it's all a question of how close to the situation you are that determines the pain you feel right?

 

Anyway...I spent last year dating and getting to know this wonderful woman. We ultimately got married this past Sept.. Now, of course we had our differences, arguments and problems but overall I think we did well together. So, the surprise I felt in starting divorce proceedings in Oct. is still in me. Yes that's right I walked away from a very healthy and wonderful marraige. I still do not fully realize why I did it. A little study on the internet and some talking to old friends points to a rather ugly pattern of evasion and laziness. It seems that I have always walked away from relationships in the past that were fine. An unwillingness to commit and work on it or suddenly feeling hemmed in and needing more self-time, a little leaning toward co-dependency. I'm getting things figured out and am heading toward healing myself. Which brings me to the problem. When I walked out that door last Oct. I hurt a very wonderful woman badly and to my surprise for the first time in my life I hurt myself too. I knew I was making the mistake of a lifetime, but stubborness and pride and frustration at not knowing how to communicate with her kept me from being a real adult and working things out with her. Now I sit alone at night and wonder at how things might have been. Well as luck would have it we made peace and talk as friends still. I finally got up the courage to talk to her about what had happened and tried to explain the things that had happened from my point of view. I think...well i hope that I finally got her to understand that it was not her that I was unhappy with as she believed,but, that it was my frustration with myself that over boiled. I told her all the things that I had discovered about myself and the under-lying purpose of me taking the time to figure this stuff out was that I didn't want to lose her forever that I hope we might try again, go back and start over and work things out. I know this was a lot to ask of her , but I was still shocked when she point blank told me that because of what had happened she had changed, she was not the person she used to be, and that she did not think that we would have anything in common anymore.( first question: Is it possible that she really changed that much in so short of a time? or would this be more of a defense against me?) She also said that she would never be able to trust me with her heart again. Now I kind of understand this one...a fear of me walking out again, understandable, but never? would there be nothing I could do to reassure her? I know that most people would say something about time here, but what if she is saying that she doesn't want to take the time? And the most confusing thing is that she is saying all of this and at the same time saying she would not rule out anything...that if we were meant to be together we would be? I also have to ask about this, after a year long intense relationship and a wonderful,albeit short,marraige what should I think about her already moving another guy in with her in under 3 months? Is he some type of rebound or is it possible that he really means something to her? I truly love this woman and would spend the rest of my life happily atoning for all the pain I have caused her. Is there any hope for me? should i continue to profess my love for her and do my best to be there for her or should I back off and hope that one day she might look my way again?

 

Thanks for any advice you might have

rythaman

[simulacra]

I think a person can change in such a short time. It is not a defence mechanism, it is an intelligent woman learning from her past experience and being strong.

 

You filed for divorce one month into your marriage. That in itself (without knowing anything about your relationship) makes me question whether or not you have a sound idea of what a marriage means. I think her lack of trust for you stems not only from the fear of you walking out on her again, but that she sees you differently now because of what you've done. To her, you are a changed person (or perhaps she's realizing that she never really understood you in the first place). It is difficult to reassure her at this point about anything. Everything is up to her now. The change of mind, if it happens, will not be because of any gestures that you do to atone for your regret, but will come about as a result of her resolving the issue within her mind and taking a leap of faith to give you another chance.

 

It is quite possible the new guy may not just be a rebound. As I said above, she has probably learned a lot from what you did to her. As a result the way she sees people (ie. men) and relationships is significantly changed. She will make it a point to never be hurt like that again. It is a growing process and she will become a better person because of it.

[ziggy]

You have deeply hurt this woman, albeit not intentionally, you have been selfish but you were hurting too! I think this is a rebound relationship, it is easier to get over pain if you have someone with you to take your mind off it. I can only suggest that you prove your honourable intentions by being her friend, never critisise her new mate but listen to her, I don't know how long it may take but one day she will realise that you are dependable and that's what she needs, when she has pushed you away maybe she is looking to see if you stay away, if you do, you have confirmed her fears, if you do not she will realise that you can be depended on. Never say you love her, never say that you have changed, words will mean nothing yet, always be happy when your with her and NEVER complain, do not ask her to come back to you, this will drive her away!....if you appear needy this is off putting, but you have to make your life complete on it's own, she is just a bonus, the cherry on the cake, you are the most important person you know and you will be with you for life!...like yourself, build a life without her and then when she comes back it will be when she feels it is safe to do so, she will not feel that she is completeing your life but she will want to be part of it! Who on this earth can resist a cheerful giver that does not complain or make you feel bad, when your with them they make you feel 'I want to be with them'!

you MUST be patient, you have alot to prove...but don't beat yourself up!..your only human just like the rest of us, we all make big boo boo's now and again! BE HAPPY! now go do something YOU like to do and ENJOY!