He broke up with me after 6 years

[bamboo]

Hi everyone. This is my first post but I've been reading these forums for a few days now and I've been amazed by the advice given. I wish I had found this years ago.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue just over two weeks ago when we were two days shy of making the six year mark. I was devastated as he never spoke to me about his feelings. I had noticed he was acting a bit distant so I asked him what was wrong and he assured me there was nothing wrong so I put it down to stress of study and work matters. Then out of the blue he sent me an email asking if I thought we make each other happy anymore and if maybe we should take time apart. I was obviously upset by what he said and the fact he told me by email and called him and he told me not to be so upset as what he said in the email wasn't definate. He told me I was over-reacting. I asked him if I should cancel the plans for our six year anniversary and he said "Why would I want you to do that?" Then the next day he came round and told me he wanted time apart.

 

He said we had been fighting too much, which I guess is true, but I just feel hurt he didn't talk to me about his feelings. He said he wanted time out and then went on to say things like "Do you not want to know what it's like to be single? I've never had a chance to be single..." It really hurt. Why could he not have done the single thing before getting in a relationship with me? He had had a one year relationship with another girl before me and took six months to get over her then got together with me. He said that if things were actually good between us right now he would not want this. He said he needed to not be in a relationship with me to find perspective. To begin with, although he was saying he wanted me to go out and have fun and experience life being single, he was saying things like "If you love someone you have to set them free... if it's meant to be it's meant to be... I can see myself marrying you... my guess is we will get back together... don't be so upset this is not the end... I am not dumping you... you know the thought of you with someone else kills me... I still love you, my feelings have not changed". I was so confused. Then during the next few days all that changed to "I don't know if we will get back together... I don't know how I will feel if you meet someone else, it depends if I am doing the same thing... I still love you but my feelings have changed...". He said he realised that the stuff he has said before was leading me on and he could see what it was doing to me and didn't want me waiting around for him. But that just hurt me more. Before I thought there was hope, then suddenly it seemed there wasn't.

 

I'm also waiting on an email from him which he said on monday that he would send. Just an email about how he is feeling that I can read and gain some sort of closure from so I can move on. But he still hasn't it yet and he knows it's important. Why hasn't he sent it yet? It just makes me wonder if he really cares. I don't even care about the content of it anymore (I don't need it anymore) or if he sends it or not, it's become obvious that it's not important enough to him.

 

And some things he has said... just the way he is encouraging me to meet new guys. I really don't need him to do that. It hurts so much. Yes I know I am single now but I will meet new guys when I am ready to. But then he says he's saying that stuff to be noble, but I'm not sure whether to believe him or not. Maybe he does actually want me to and it would not have any affect on him. Anyway I don't need him being noble when I would rather he showed some emotion so I wouldn't feel so hurt!

 

And another thing is that he has completely left me high and dry. I'm in my final year at univeristy and have my dissertation deadline and finals coming up, basically these are the most important months of my whole univeristy career I have ahead of me and he's abandoned me. He had something important up until just before he dumped me. It was like he waited until a break up would have no detrimental affect on what is important to him to break up with me but then didn't give me a second thought, after I had been so supportive of his interests.

 

I haven't contacted him since monday. Yes before that I was doing the begging and pleading, and now I've read that great post about getting the ex back and whether we'll get back together or not, I'm going to stick to the advice there.

 

Sorry for the long post. I don't really know why I've posted here. I pretty much know the score, and I know what I should do now, but I almost wish for someone to say to me he'll come crawling back or for some words of comfort

[POAS]

Kinda sounds like he's cheated on you and likes another gal. He's too busy trying to get you out in the world so he can feel safer in bringing in the new gal. Don't let this dork get you down! It's obvious that he is not interested and says things to you to keep you around just in case (if he is dating) this new gal doesn't work out. My advice is to keep on plowing along, no matter how hard it may seem, no matter how depressed you become, use this time as a learning and growth time. Take some time to yourself, type up your feelings into poems, or paint, draw, read but do something positive. Just because he broke your heart doesn't mean you need to break down. Boyfriends come and go, but true love is unbreakable.

 

*IF* you two do get back together, you need to tell him how he made you feel and how used you felt, maybe then he'll stop and think about you, but obviously he hasn't before. This guy just might not be right for you, but there's no need to go out and find another right away *or* get back with that one. Don't wait for him to call or contact you, chances are he's doing it to keep you hanging on so he can use you later. That's my take on it from the information you shared.

 

Well, all I can say is I hope things work out for the best for *you*. Do what *YOU* want, not what he wants. Just be yourself and hang out with your friends when you find a free moment. Friends work wonders!

[devnull]

Hey there.

 

Well similar thing happened to me. 18 days before out 7th year anniversary my ex broke up with me. A week after that she was dating. A month later she is dating seriously the guy who asked her out when we were together.

 

I was in your same position, screwed up my first couple of exams I was depressed for two weeks, after about the third week she FINALLY gave me my "closure" talk where I had most of the questions I needed answered.

 

And just like your ex she kept telling me to date and what not already. I told her I would date when I was ready. When we were talking this is how I found about about her dating seriously. Made me realize that this was really over, of course I still have some hope. But very distant hope.

 

Now I am trying to move on with my life. No contact rule in place, I will not contact her until she contacts me. If you can try to have a closure talk with him, write down your questions because you won't remember in when you talk to him, emotions tend to get the best of us.

 

Go online and inform yourself as much as possible, this site is great for advice and options. Cheesy exercises do help out, like writing down 100 good things about you, and 20 bad things about him, etc etc.

 

And if you're available I'll take you out! Heh.

 

Good luck.

[Hopingpraying]

While I cannot say from the information in your post that he is cheating on you obviously something has changed in him. It may not nessecarily be another women but it is definitely something or someone.

 

You have to respect his wishes and I while I wouldn't advise to go out and get into another serious relationship I would say that I bet if you started dating he would freak out and come running back. While you may think that to be the desireable option he will only come back for a short time and then be off again. If you don't fix the root of the problem it won't go away on its own.

 

I feel what you are going through. I am experiencing it first hand. My heart really goes out to you.. I wish you better love in the future.

[Eric f]

hey bamboo i am sorry your going through some problems hopefully this will help you understand and maybe give you some hope and maybe it wont.

 

My girl friend and i have been dating for 9 months our freshman year, i broke up with her on the 9 th month of or sophmore year.

I really was tierd and felt like i needed to explore my options so to say.

I allso had pressure for my friends to brake up with her because we didnt do anything together alone or away from school.

 

anyways my girlfriend and i were close so when i broke up with her she really took it hard.

i felt really bad but i needed to get away from it all.

since being in a 9month relationship with another girl and going stright into another relationship for another 9 months "9month curse i guess"

 

there were many reason why i broke up with her and i was still very much in love with her.

 

it took me 11 months to figure out i still wanted her and that i thought about no one else.

our relationship since then has uped 150% since then

i became a better lover.

so a brake can be good for the both of you

but really what hit the nail in the coffin for her was she went out with a guy that i knew she wasnt trying to make me jealous with lol.

 

i hope you get everything strighten out and have a happy relationship.

p.s. keep up your studies you can do it!

[bamboo]

Thanks for the replies

 

If there was a major strength in our relationship it was trust, so I do believe his reasons - that we don't get on anymore, that he needs to be single to get perspective. I don't think there is a third party involved and I could at times see the hurt and confusion this was causing him as well though they seemed very brief and rare as he kept his cool whether he was trying hard to or not.

 

I think he's encouraging me to get out and meet new people because he knows it's unfair to keep me waiting around, but then I'm sure a main part of that is because he wants to do it as well. He did say he does not want to get into another relationship though I'm sure if he met the right person he would go for it, and I think I would as well.

 

It just hurts that he took 6 months to get over his girlfriend before me where the thought of another girl didn't enter his mind for ages, whereas now he doesn't even seem to need time to get over me. He did say it would take a long time for him to get over me but I guess he's older and wiser now and knows he can't let that hold his life back.

 

Only think I can do is believe him when he says he is sure this is the right thing to do, that he can see us breaking up for good after my exams are over if we carried on the way we were, but this way if we got back together he could see it being forever. Eric F I think maybe he is hoping, like in your situation, we will get back together and things will be FAR better than before, but he just can't promise that or lead me on which is fair enough. He did refer to a couple we know who split for several months who now could not be happier.

 

Even my friends see this split as a good thing. They think only positives can come out of it - either we get back together to have a great relationship or I find one with someone else. I think I need to gain some perspective myself and see that. And I also need to buckle down and get studying!! x

[vetgirl]

Hi Bamboo

I know I don't know you and you don't know me, but your story is so similar to what I'm going through right now that I feel compelled to write and let you know you're not alone. I too have found the posts on this forum helpful and I just wanted to let you know that I understand the way you feel. I don't know if it helps or not, but I can both sympathize and empathize with you, right down to feely crummy at the time in your life when you need to feel the most confident and secure. Good luck to you and keep reading this forum. It definitely helps.

[bamboo]

Thanks Vetgirl. I feel a little bit better each day but the confusion still remains strong. I think only time will bring me the answers I need. I hope you're doing ok. I've been trying to distract myself with my studies and other things that I plan to do. I feel sad now rather than upset, and I'm surprised I don't feel angry, but that might be yet to come! My friends have been great surrounding me with encouragement and perspective. Take care Vetgirl, PM me anytime you want