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My heart is broken and I didn't know him that well


AJisFREE

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Well I'm going through a rough break-up, moving my things out this Saturday. Since the break-up I looked for an old friend (who was kinda a hook-up, we weren't super close but had fun times together and he was a friend) on myspace. Basically I found out he had Bipolar Disorder and killed himself in March of this year. I haven't spoken with him since December of 07. I've never had to deal with the death of someone that I've been intimate with... it breaks my heart to know he's gone and that BD killed him. My mom also has BD and has tried to kill herself before while she was messed up on a bunch of pills, and she's been on and off lithium like the guy was. Has anyone else had to deal with an ex's suicide? I cried last night about it, but I just try to think of the good times we had, I know it wasn't his fault, it was that stupid BD. I'm not religious, but I think maybe I'll see him again one day. It was just such a shock to be looking him up to say hey and then find that out, especially since it happened only a month ago... I feel like if I spoke to him sooner I could've helped him.

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It's not completely the same, but a guy I was friends with and had a crush on in 6th grade (last time I saw him) was killed in a car accident years later in high school. I didn't even know until someone posted a Myspace bulletin about his memorial, since he went to a different high school than.

 

It doesn't seem real and you often wonder if they'd still be alive if you kept in contact with them. But give it time and your mind will slowly start to adjust.

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This also isn't quite the same.. but, the first guy I ever had a serious crush on (late middle school) bought some X from an ex-friend of mine .. after I had been seriously trying to talk him out of it. Anyways, when he took it I guess he overdosed and his heart stopped. He didn't make it.

 

Your old flame was really suffering and struggling internally. The shame in it is that his medical treatment wasn't better. Trust me though, no matter what you could have/should have said to him, all it could have done is soften the blow or make a temporary fix. I'm not trying to say you couldn't have helped at all but this isn't your fault.

 

It is so strange thinking that somebody you touched and held was in this world one day but gone the next. I don't know if this will be of any comfort to you.. but it helps me to think that their body didn't just disappear. All of them is still on this planet.. their brain just eventually didn't get enough oxygen and they permanently lost consciousness.

 

It is shocking because it forces you to face your own mortality at a time when it seems premature. I guess we just have to remember that there is no one time when people may leave us. This world is fluid and changes and we have to learn to live within that.

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thanks for your help. i've still cried a little just about every day. i had a friend die a couple of years ago in a car wreck but we weren't that close. i've actually found myself talking out loud to him alot. it still hurts to know he's gone... i try not to think about it yet i'm still thinking about it all of the time. every song i hear reminds me of him. he was the lead singer of a sublime cover band and had so much talent.

 

it still breaks my heart. thanks so much for sharing our experience though. it really helps.

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