Girlfriend broke up with me but still clings on

[jasav1]

Newbie here! Looking for some much needed advice, away from my friends and family.

 

I have been going out with my ex girlfriend for 3 and a half years now. We broke up just over a month ago but in this time we have pretty much still been doing things we did as a couple, kissing, snuggling, watching movies, going out for dinner.

 

However, I'm desperate to get her back and have been telling her that her actions are speaking much louder than her words. Why is she being so stubborn when she clearly still has big feelings for me? She said that this is something she needs to do to sort her head out. She rang me a few days ago in the early hours, completely sobbing. She is not one to cry and this shocked me. I saw her getting into a car of another guy a few days before, someone she has liked from afar for a while (physically) but she told me he doesn't mean anything to her and she is just confused right now. She said she does this too often, she messes up her life every few years. I know she hasn't left me for this other guy, she would be honest with me about him. In fact, everything she has told me about him so far points to the fact that he isn't her type at all. She said she just wants more friends in that way. She didn't just go out with him either, she was around other people on her university course.

 

I feel that she is doing this because I'm her first guy in every sense, as a friend and a boyfriend. We are both 22 and met when we were 18. She hasn't had any past experience with guys and I'm all she knows. Her parents were very similar - met at uni - got married, but subsequently ended up getting divorced. I think she may feel that will happen to her.

 

We never argued, we are just the best of friends. Our break up is so strange because there hasn't even been anything there to break up about. Maybe we just need space apart from each other for her to realize? She may think the grass is greener on the other side. I wish she would tell me that there was no chance of us getting back together but she just tells me she is confused and she doesn't know what she really wants, she needs time. She's the kind of girl that likes tot take the emotion out of it and then make a rational decision.

 

She says the other guy doesn't mean anything to her and he has no reason as to why we have broken up. I think she maybe needs to go out with a few guys and discover what's out there. Only then will she appreciate what a fantastic couple we were?

 

I do really care about her, she means the world to me. I'm so convinced she will come back to me. Without sounding bigheaded, but the next guy is going to have to be something incredible for her to even consider it - she says that herself. We went a couple of days without talking and she sent me messages like 'i hate not talking to you, it's awful' and 'i'm really really missing you' and also 'i'm sorry to do this to you, i wouldn't do it if it wasn't something i needed to do to figure us out.'

 

She explains that she isn't a 100% sure about breaking up at all and many times over the past month she has just wanted to get back together, but she feels that is the easy option - she needs to figure this out now and it could be the making of us.

 

She tells me she doesn't want me to wait, she can't expect that but at the same time says she will be incredibly jealous if she were to hear that I was dating someone.

 

She may be lonely in a friends sense. Maybe we became too claustrophobic?

 

She doesn't really know this other guy. They are in the early stages of getting to know each other. They are casually texting etc but nothing imminent seems to be happening there. She's a great girl and she's still very sore from us too, she won't rush into anything. Though I do think she likes the attention from this guy and he helps fill the void I've clearly left. But how long will that go on for? It's purely physical and she is putting up with him because of that.

 

I've told her she can go and date him, another guy after that if she wants to but I'll be still here waiting for her. If this is what she needs to do to realize how good we are then so be it. It hurts incredibly but they can have her short term and I'll have her long term. She said if we were 28/29 and she had just a little bit more experience with other guys we would get married without a doubt. This is just something she needs to do I suppose. I think I'm putting too much emphasis on this other guy to be honest - I think it helps me to try and move on to think it's because of him but truly, if it was, she would have told me already.

 

What do you guys think of my situation? How should I go about trying to get her back or is it a lost cause?

 

Your help is much appreciated.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. i recommend a period of No Contact with this woman. 60 days. it's hard for her to figure out if she needs you in her life or not. right now, you are there for her when she wants, and she can now go off with other men. she is having her cake and eating it too!!!! lucky girl!!! however, that is not cool for you.

 

60 days will give you and her both a chance to breath and think. she can figure out if the breakup is really what she wants, or if she does want to go off and explore on her own for a while. you get to have space from her, get unattached, and potentially meet other women. plus, you will be giving her the space to miss you. how can she miss you if she still gets to see you when she wants.

 

it won't be easy, but i would go NC. seriously. good luck

[jasav1]

I have said to her that I need no contact now but I buckled a couple of days ago and she was telling me how she has desperately wanted to get in touch with me and that she misses me etc.

 

Right now, I'm determined. Haven't spoke in 3 days even though she's on my mind every 5 minutes or so.

 

She is just very confused. She told me she doesn't know what she really wants but she feels as if she can't get to the conclusion with me in her life, she needs this separation. She also admits a huge part of her really feels as if she is making a big mistake but it's something she has to do.

 

I do feel as if we will get back together but it's driving me crazy that she isn't missing me at all, moving on and all this no contact isn't doing me any good at all. That's the the pessimist in me. The optimist in myself feels as if she is really missing hearing my voice, seeing me and she is simply respecting my wishes now and day by day, regretting her decision as she tries to adjust to life without me.

[pace of ace]

I had something very similar happen to me just over one year ago. Very, very similar.

 

Best thing you can do is leave her to it. It's easier said than done but i never gave enough space, and my ex still hasn't come back to me, even though she's never ruled it out.

 

Sounds like the grass is greener syndrome to me, and the problem is, don't stick around and make it easy for her whilst she gets closer and closer to the other guy. If you stick around and are always there for her, that's what will happen. I've been there.

[jasav1]

I had something very similar happen to me just over one year ago. Very, very similar.

 

Best thing you can do is leave her to it. It's easier said than done but i never gave enough space, and my ex still hasn't come back to me, even though she's never ruled it out.

 

Sounds like the grass is greener syndrome to me, and the problem is, don't stick around and make it easy for her whilst she gets closer and closer to the other guy. If you stick around and are always there for her, that's what will happen. I've been there.

 

Thanks, I really appreciate your advice.

 

She misses having 'freedom' - not really in the 'I'm going out to a club and may kiss a guy' sense but just everyday freedom. She feels as if she has to explain what she's doing etc. I've never made her feel bad about going out, I think it's something she has created in her own head, she admits that herself. But this guy is definitely playing a bigger role than she chooses to admit, in my opinion. It was just brilliant when I saw her and she told me about him and how she feels they have none of the same interests at all.

 

What if she calls me/texts me? What do I do then? She surely has to really miss us. Honestly, we were great, just the bestest of friends - another thing I think she had a problem with - she doesn't understand that's what happens to couples after so long together because she doesn't have anything to compare me to! We've talked about this a lot.

 

She hasn't ruled out getting back together in any way. She says she just needs time and she's sorry to put me through this, but she wouldn't do it unless she felt she needed to, to sort her head out.

[pace of ace]

Honestly, this is a carbon copy of what i went thorugh a year ago. I got the same stuff. Honestly. It's almost exact. Were together 3 1/2 years, she lost her virginity to me etc.... but it came as such a shock to me i begged, pleaded etc... that's natural behaviour but avoid it if you can.

 

Honestly, there probably is more to this guy than your ex is letting on. Like i say, same thing happened to me. I'm not saying it's all about him, but the attention of another person can make someone question where they are in life.... especially someone young.... like i say, same thing happened to me.

 

If she calls you or texts, i would reply, but keep it brief and try your best to avoid probeing her on what she is doing. And most importantly try not to call her or bombard her with texts.

 

I feel for you 'cos i know EXACTLY what you are going through. In my opinion, it's one of the most painful break-ups out there due to the perplexity of it all.

[annie24]

i would tell her not to contact you for 60 days and you shouldn't contact her either. trust me. i agree, if she thinks you may be waiting in the wings, that's all the more reason for her to go ahead and explore things with the new guy. if she knows you aren't waiting around for her to finish growing up (hard to do in just a few weeks!!!!) then she may be more inclined to make a decision, and realize she made a mistake in letting you go. either way, let her go!!!

[hulk7280]

see whats in bold.. thats ur biggest problem..

 

she knows she can have her cake and eat it too..

 

she can go date other guys.. and u will be there like a little puppy waiting for her to come to you after she has sewn her wild oats..

 

Life is too short to wait on anyone.. if you arent good enough for her knwo.. what makes u think u will be goood enough for her ina year..

 

If you want to get her back listen to me, trust me i promise you this will work...... Say this-

 

we cant act like bf/gf if we arent.. either u give me the commitment or go away and "find yourself".

 

if you ever want to work on things u know my number.. if not please dont contact me.

 

if she really loves you.. she will call.. if not then she never really loved you!

[jasav1]

Yes, Hulk. I have told her exactly that.

 

She doesn't want to 'work' on anything because she told me there isn't anything to really 'work' on. It's just something in herself that she has been feeling for the past couple of months.

 

She does still love me, that is shown in her actions over the past month whilst we were supposed to be broken up. Ringing me, texting me, hanging out like we weren't even broken up, kissing and snuggling etc.

 

The other guy isn't a big deal in my opinion. He is just a crush, and like someone else has said, it's nice when someone you find attractive starts showing you some attention. She's not the kind of girl to completely fall for that and break up with me, she isn't a teenager. Plus, I know some people may not believe me, but she would have told me if this guy was a big reason as to why we broke up.

 

I probably said those things about going off with other guys because deep down I probably know that she won't. Sure, she may go on a few dates but actually committing herself to someone, I'm not so sure.

 

I need to play this NC game and see where it gets me. 3 days now, finding it really tough but I'm determined to make it work. You guys are right, she has to start missing me. She did keep saying over the last month, 'I don't feel as if I have lost you yet.' If she was treating me the way she did after she didn't feel as if she had lost me, what's she going to be like when she realises that she has? I just hope that she doesn't forget the feeling of 'us' and in time simply 'moves on'.

[pace of ace]

Like i say mate, reading your posts is like looking into the past for me. It's frightening how similar this is to what i went through.

 

The problem is, if you continue to hang out, you soften the blow for her.... and i can GUARANTEE the easier you make it for her the more likely she is to date this other guy or someone else. Maybe she doesn't want a serious relationship sure, but it wont stop her hanging out with this guy and possibly doing stuff with him at some point down the line..... probably not now, or even in 6 months, but at some point in the future.... especially if you make it easy on her and tell her you're waiting.

 

I am giving you my advice because 1 year ago i was where you are now, and i did all the things you've been doing and it did me no good!.... My ex is currently "seeing" her "friend".... and he was giving her attention towards the end of our break up..

 

Obviously i don't know you or your ex, but i would bet there is something (nomatter how small) about your break-up that your ex isn't letting you in on. With this type of break-up, the ones where it defies all logic, there usually is.

 

Anytime you wanna ask my advice, i'll try and help 'cos i have been EXACTLY where you are right now.

[jasav1]

So just ignore her? Let her start wondering, 'why isn't he getting in contact?', 'I have lost him now.'

 

I suppose once she starts feeling those two things, she's either going to be incredibly sad and want to see me or she's going to continue with this situation.

 

If NC is what I have to do to get an honest answer, I'll do it. She will miss us incredibly, I know she will. But like you said, I'm not giving her that chance at the moment.

[pace of ace]

I'm not sure about ignore her. Perhaps next time she calls tell her you need a month or two apart to assess the situation. Ignore if you like, but that's not my bag and i doubt it's yours either mate.

 

Just be aware, NC wont guarantee anything. But if she needs space to "find herself" NC will give her that.

 

Thing is, you shouldn't expect her back anytime soon. If she wants to be "free" she wont get it out her system in a matter of months or weeks.

 

The best thing you can do is try your best at NC and get on with your own things and let nature take it's course. But i can promise you now, hanging out, kissing, cuddling will not bring her back to you.

[ToodlePip]

Don't give her the sizzle without her taking the the steak dude. She's like a pig wallowing in mud - she's got it all right now.

[jasav1]

She told me this isn't something she is going to sort out quickly, she needs time.

 

I think I'm going to go down the ignoring route to be honest, unless she sends me a pretty substantial message.

 

She's treated me badly, I didn't deserve any of this. She's being really immature. She says herself that she doesn't really want to break up, but it's something she needs to figure out. Well she has all the time in the world to go figure it out now.

[pace of ace]

Can i ask how old you both are?

 

When my ex did the same to me she was 23 and we'd been together since she was 19. I'm 26. I feel for you dude, and i wanna help you 'cos i can't believe how similar this is to my story.

 

Sometimes people do break off perfectly good relationships for now logical reason, and it's very hard to take.

 

Go NC dude and stand your ground. If she asks to hang out, politely refuse and tell her it's not a good idea.

[jasav1]

We are both 23 and been dating since we were 19! Just to add to the similarities for you there mate. Lol.

 

I know it sounds bigheaded but I just know she will come back. She just doesn't know any better.

 

Can I ask you how your girlfriend treated you after the break up? Did she ring you crying and telling you she is simply confused? Did she give you the old 'I wouldn't put you through this unless it was something I needed to figure out?'. She has given me a lot to be hopeful about.

 

When I spoke to her the other day, I could sense the relief in her that I had got in contact and she told me she had been wanting to get in contact but she felt that would be very selfish of her and that she has been thinking about me a lot.

 

How were the beginning stages of your break up? Did you have this month where you still treated each other like a bf/gf when you saw each other?

[pace of ace]

Let me tell you, i got told the same. My ex told me she would not be doing this to me unless she had to for herself, how she wishes we would have met a few years later. Basically she needed some time on her own to be young, and single and she felt she was growing up too fast. We had moved in together 6 months earlier too.

 

We hung out for months after, kissing, hugging. We had sex once or twice in this time too. But all it did really was add to my confusion about what it was all about, and it certaintly didn't get her back. She would tell me she loves me but she needs time.

 

My ex still reaches out to me now and often she reminices about her good times with me. She still tells me she isn't 100% sure about what she does and doesn't want in the future.... but please take on board, hanging out with her will not bring her back.

 

Maybe your ex will come back, but be prepared for a lengthy process in between. To be honest dude, if she came back in a few months, it would be pointless 'cos she wouldn't have got her s**t out her system.

 

I know how confused you are right now mate, but NOTHING can change her mind. Only she can sort herself out.

[jasav1]

Yeah, I need to give her time whilst at the same time move on myself.

 

Thanks for your advice. It has helped.

[pace of ace]

Anytime mate.

[Regretful]

Going through the same thing right now with my ex. We were together for 3 1/2 years.......split in November, and it was the worst break-up imaginable. The past week or so we have been hanging out almost every day, and we almost had sex this weekend, but I was able to stand my ground. Let me tell you, that was a hard one to do. But, I don't take any of this to really mean anything. I think that she's comfortable having me there, and, to be honest, every time I try and go NC she pops back into my life. There's the possibility of me moving in the next few months, and honestly, I think that would be the best thing as far as the whole situation goes. She's made up her mind, and has had a long time to do it. Add in that there's also another guy in the mix, and the whole thing is pretty similiar to your situation - I was also her first love, etc.

 

The other guy situation is rough. But I know from experience that rebound relationships rarely last. Since I have been in town, my ex hasn't spoken with this "other" guy in 7 days. It's still rough, though, because I think the probability she slept with him while I was gone is pretty high. But just remember that it would take a really long time for her to build with this guy what she had/has with you.

 

Best thing to do, though, is to just back off and give her this seperation. She can't miss something that's always been there and continues to be. Hell, if it comes up in conversation, you should even agree with it. Tell her it's for the best, and that you're going to respect her decision; but that you can't act like BF/GF if you are not. Tell her *YOU* need some time to sort things out, and that you won't be contacting her in that time. Stop giving her all the power in the relationship because in the end, she won't respect you at all for it and will move on once the emotions are gone. All you are doing by "being" there for her is softening her fall. Take it from personal experience - don't do it!

 

Let me know how it goes.

[Pandaman211]

Yessir, never tell a woman you'll be there waiting forever. That gives her the confidence and motivation to seek and do whatever the hell she wants to know and knows that worst comes to worst, or when she feels like it, she can go back to you. You want to get back with her after shes had sex with a few guys? Just trying to relay this point.

 

This may seem like a good idea, since after 3 years you or anyone would for that matter believe that its true love and this and that, but the truth it, after the relationship breaks off, a lot of times, its not the same. And so to be romantic when its done will usually not have the same effectiveness that you think it will, since you're still functioning in relationship.

 

Shes clinging on because she wants to keep making sure. And because, lets be honest, 3 years is quite a long time. 3 years. Thats 36 months you guys were together, think of that. Shes attached. She could have feelings, but shes clinging on especially because shes attached, and doesn't want to deal with her emotions. Attachment is a very powerful and deceitful thing, and its harder as a dumpee to find out what is exactly genuine and you should act on.

[jasav1]

Well, we've gone 5 days without speaking now, which doesn't seem a lot but I can't remember a day during our relationship where we didn't talk for 1 day!

 

The last time we did speak I made contact after we hadn't spoke for a couple of days and she told me she has been thinking about me a lot and wanted to get in touch but thought it would be very selfish of herself.

 

I have made it too easy for her, agreed. Now, these last 5 days she will start doubting what has been said to her from myself. She surely will. I'm forcing her to really start thinking about what she has done. She can't just ring me to come and see her now, cry and tell me she's an idiot, call me and tell me over the past month we've been separated she's wanted to get back together quite a few times.

 

I don't think this guy is that much of a threat to be honest. She's hanging out with him, sure. But I know this girl, she isn't going to have sex with him any time soon. It's not in her nature. She has a crush on him and he is something new so it's attractive right now. What's telling is that she feels they have none of the same interests. Also, they are on the same course at University so I think she's gonna get fed up of seeing him every day like that, and people seeing them as 'one' should they get together. That will annoy her. I think he is just looking for some to be honest, she isn't daft, but she'll play this little game until it gets serious.

 

Ah, it doesn't even matter about the other guy. I'm not stressing myself out over that now. In ways I hope she does get with him because I just don't see it lasting anymore than 6 months to be honest. It will help her realise what she 'threw' away in me.

 

With this NC though, I feel like I may be losing her even more? Whilst we were still in contact I could see was struggling and wanting to get back together, but then still saying she hasn't sorted anything out 'in her head' yet and she needed to do that.

 

Deep down, I feel like she's going to come back to me, but during this NC I'm starting to doubt that. I don't feel this is the best way to get her back but the good people on this site assure me that this is the best way?

[pace of ace]

First of all, well done for sticking to nc for 5 days, you're showing good strength. NC is the best thing for all concerned. Calling her up all the time will not help you get her back or get over her, and i should know because i did all that.

 

Essentially, every person is different so i can't say what will work and what wont, but you can do things to help your chances.... and staying away from her and giving her the space she wants is the best thing to do.

 

It's obvious your ex is confused but she isn't about to become unconfused any time soon, just bare that in mind. Be prepared for a lengthy process here 'cos it'll more than likely be that way.

 

You're right not to focus too much on the other guy, because that's not best for you. But your ex, being a human being at a difficult point in her life will naturally be lapping up any attention she gets from him. Just brace yourself. I'm not saying she's going to jump into bed with him but don't be surprised if in a month, 2 months, 6 months etc.. she does something with him, or someone else, because she broke up with you to be "free and single". Just prepare yourself for this.... because like i've mentioned, i've been exactly where you are right now dude

 

Right now you just need to focus on staying away, and keeping busy and giving her the space she asked for.... and yes, if she calls crying or whatever, be strong enough to tell her that's not fair.

 

Whatever happens, make sure you look out for you first!

[jasav1]

Will do pal. She knows I'm not being immature with the NC, I've wished her all the best with her future and her future relationships, and it was genuine, I just want her to be happy.

 

Now is the time for me to leave her in a sense. Get on with my life and if we bump in to one another, be civil etc. I'm not going to go out of my way to contact her now though. It's for her to do, she has to make the effort now. It's her decision and if in time she feels it's a mistake, it's up to her to correct it.

 

This NC will be making her think about it. I'm not sure she thought I had the strength to do this. It's childish, and we aren't childish, but she will be thinking that I will text her in time and she'll wait for me to get in contact. When she realises that I'm not going to get in contact, that's when she'll start feeling as if she has actually lost me.

[pace of ace]

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Absolutely correct on both these points, so show her you can deal with it. Show her you're strong without her. You're right, she has to correct it. She broke up with you for such a wishy washy reason so you have to let her get on with it and most importantly, keep yourself well.

 

Keep me updated ok. This is hugely interesting to me becasue it is identical to my break-up, and i want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes i did...

 

I'm 14 months down the track and i'm only just starting to implement the the important things i've highlighted here. Keep strong.