rich 1517 - how to handle the resentment

[rich_1517]

if you want to understand my story for context see this post

 

link removed

 

so i am realizing that maybe i should have let her go originally and we might have found each other that way. of course i am second guessing while i wait out the weekend for her decision.

 

the whole thing is bizarre. two months and no expression of feelings. i offered to marry two weeks ago.

 

i have respected her space, done platonic dates with her, been available sometimes and sometimes not. i dont call.

 

fact is i am now very bitter about the whole thing. the cost of sitting with this has hurt me and may have affected my love for her. i feel that she has stuck to an arbitrary date and that its only becuase she knows she needed time.

 

i obsess, its been my nature to bargain with loss. but i havent acted on it. still the pain is visible, i lost weight, i am stressed. my friends and family will no longer talk to me about it. they think i am a fool for sticking it out.

 

i am in confusion and pain.

 

but, i have kept most of my dignity, i did nothing i am ashamed of except to accept her deciding period. neither one of us has dated during this time.

 

so here i am angry and fearful. on one level i am and have been convicned that she has been paving the way to being just friends.

 

but on another, this has been enough time to begin again, or if not now then soon after. she calls all the time, and done little things that says she still cares.

 

but look at me! i am not myself, i have allowed this to affect my self esteem and confidence. i am worth the love that i want. its time to act like it. but the resentment is huge.

 

i have dealt with "i dont want to get your hopes up", "will you still see my son if we arent together?", "you have never lived alone, maybe you should" (insulting, becuase she sees that i havent had my own place since i left home). "i cant decide, im trying to figure out the texture of my love for you".

 

if you are reading this and you think "but wait my love is unique, my heart is true, that person is the one" stop. if that were truly so we would not be on this site. the truth is people leave, we have to let them. for ourselves. we have to face the infaceable, that their love may be gone.

 

so the resentment i have is that i didnt just give her the boot when she said two months. i knew i had made mistakes, and she left at a very bad moment in my life.

 

i can send her a letter saying how i feel, that the disregard for my feelings is hard to deal with, and that if she just wants to be friends it will have to wait.

 

but no, i have to see it through i set this path in motion weeks ago by accepting that i love her. but did i send a "here i am, dont worry" message? did i sabotage the chance to rebuild by being here? there is no chase for her.

 

my suspicions abound about what the truth might be, another guy and just giving what seems like enough time... etc etc.

 

but i must maintain my diginity to the end. but what do i do with the anger.

 

after monday, we either start over or i move on.

 

but the anger at the casual, arbitrary date, the low priorities of my feelings has left me drained. is it possible that i should just let go and let it fall into place or apart. but get my mind off it.

 

advice: i need to show up for this without being devastated inside.

[Spartan1]

When you meet up.

 

Smile. It is going to kill you inside especially if things go belly up, but you got to smile. Be up beat. Keep it short maybe. Nothing worse than turning up, getting an answer in the first ten minutes having committed yourself to seeing her for the evening. When I met up with my wife at the pub, we talked for two hours about everything and anything except whether we are getting back together. It killed me inside while we chatted. I have never wanted anything more than to hold her close like I had done for nine years, but I could not because the rules had changed. She no longer needed my love because she was happy being a single woman and going out with her single friends.

 

Rich. Do not lose it like I did when she said it was all over. If she says that, just say ok and walk away. Might be good or bad advice I really don't know. I am no expert. But one thing I learned, emotion and anger can manifest at the very moment when you need control the most.

 

If you think anger is going to get you, that it will make you say things you would not normally say, then say goodbye and tell her you will give her a call tomorrow and sleep on it (even though you will not sleep).

 

There again, she could say lets give it a go. So you never know. Either way play it cool.

 

 

If things go wrong....

 

Our mind is our enemy. At times of stress, when we fear the worst, when we sense we are doomed to failure and the future looks bleak, rest assured our mind is there opening the door to our emotions and saying "Let it all out, she is thinking this, she said this, she is playing games, why cannot just shrug this off?". And so it goes on.

 

You enter the situation and swear to yourself that when you meet you will be calm and collect. But it is difficult, the more you are denied something, the further it seems to slip away, especially if you feel lost them due to your actions. It feels that way at least. It is a dark place to be.

 

It does not have to be this way though.

 

When love is rejected it is difficult not to feel intense anger. Frustrated at what could of been, what should of been. And more than anything, it is just pure anger at the entire situation you find yourself in. You are angry at her, angry at yourself and in the end you end up acting in ways that are not you.

 

The only choice is to walk away. It is hard. Very hard at the start. Especially if you have no one to talk to. But you have to do it. There may well be a time in the future, where you are where she is now. By this I mean, you could get in a relationship long term and then find you want out. You have to stay calm. Dignity is gained from staying calm and walking away. Some people cannot be friends immediately after a breakup, most people infact, sometimes time has to pass by and sometimes it never happens.

 

You are were I was Rich. When I read your posts I can see the same thoughts, doubts and anger which I felt. In the end, it came down to one thing.

 

Stay calm, walk away, let the anger ebb away over time and begin to re-build yourself.

 

It takes time. It is a hard path. It is not about getting over it Rich, its about how you deal with it, day to day, week to week, month to month.

 

Believe me mate. It is not worth the emotional energy, the loss of apetite, the constant playback of memories of re-scripted conversations and what if's? that are part of getting over someone.

 

Stay calm. Walk away. And, if you still feel the anger burning inside you, use it constructively - by this I mean do what us blokes do, go to the gym, take up new hobbies and all that getting over it stuff that keeps you ticking along for the next month or so.

 

Sorry for the long post and half it is not even relevant yet, its just your post brings back memories for me.

 

Either way, good luck mate. Remember, whatever the result, stay calm. You can do the angry at a later date but not at the time.

[rich_1517]

thanks spartan

 

its showing up in the face of the potential loss that is hard.

 

in a way i want to screen it out before i get the word. meaning when she says lets meet, i may say, if its to be friends we dont need to, we already are. the details will sort themselves out.

 

i kind of want an answer to some things, but i doubt that i would get it. she would play it close to the chest to avoid judgement. im the emotional one.

 

my gameplan if i do go to see her without screening it first will be to calmly listen to what she has to say, be as prepared as i can be emotionally, keep telling myself before i go its over. this is just clean up. and maybe, just maybe be surprised.

 

but the question i have for anyone who wants to comment. do i have to show if the answer is no without any explaining of why, except to say my love for you is as a friend?

[PuzzlingItOut]

Holy mackerel, Rich! I feel your pain - sounds like me to a 'T'. I don't have any advice right now - just want to be supportive. I am also in limbo waiting for Mr. 'I don't know' to figure it all out. I am currently riding a 'you don't love him - he doesn't love you' merry-go-round trying to steel myself to what I feel is the inevitable 'he isn't ever going to know' or decide or let me off the hook.

 

I too can't stand the suspense - I don't know how I am going to handle it if he ever actually decides and I have to 'go before the judge to hear my sentence'. I have a fairly ugly prickling of pride goading me into wanting to tell him to stuff his decision.

 

Are you sure you want to be involved with someone so callous as to leave you dangling over the shark pit for 2 months? I'm not sure I am.

 

You don't owe her anything. You do not have to honor this icky 2 month thing. You are not love's slave.

 

Good luck! If you decide to go - look REALLY good and SMELL even better! If nothing else - make her eat her heart out.

[rich_1517]

well,

she called today, wanting to go to the movies.

 

my first reaction was sure! then i hesitated, my roomate gave me crap for running when she calls.

 

i thought it through. hhmmm. this is the deciding weekend, act normal, be fine, maybe this is part of her process.

 

got ready to send email "maybe we should hang out after you make your decision, or is this part of your process of deciding. changed my mind.

 

went and got hair cut, bought new clothes to fit the 20 pounds lighter me. and damn if i dont look good.

 

i show up, see the movie, make jokes have a good time. she is huddling in her movie seat, definitely not comfortable, not touching me, but lots of smiles. she is struggling.

 

i go outside about halfway through to smoke (im trying to quit), she seems happy i havent. that bothered me, considering its her number one. but the strange thing is my confdence and sense of self snapped into place.

 

i was ready to say "listen this is nice but if you dont make you mind up soon you will take me for granted, i will resent you and i dont want that, if its to be friends then so be it." but i didnt.

 

the movie ended and i decided i would go home, she comes to me and tells me how great i look, i can see it in her eyes but i say nothing. she hugs me, then holds onto me for a while, i break the hug saying it was nice to see you.

 

im not sure what happened. but i know i will be ok.

[PuzzlingItOut]

You are SO awesome! I wish I had that kind of composure! You don't sound terribly emotionally impressed by the whole experience though. Look - its probably fine now but if you start feeling really confused, etc. PLEASE don't call her. I think things sound great - give her a little more time.

 

You should be SO proud of yourself - I am! Good Luck!