Friends with an ex?

[kittysaysmeow]

Hi,

 

I was recently broken up with by my bf of over 3 years. It was possibly the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me since I didn't really see it coming. Obviously in hindsight there were clues.

 

Anyway, I think I've been doing as well as expected and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life as my life plans have since changed. I have determined that I should stay single for awhile and focus on myself and learn from my past relationship.

 

Right now I'm thinking about a possible friendship with my ex but I'm unsure if this ever works out. I hate what he did but I also understand that it just wasn't working out for him (I won't go into details right now). I really like him as a person and we still have a great time together. In fact, there's not much of a sexual attraction there anymore.

 

So, my question is this...how do I go from into a relationship with this person into a friendship? I know this will take time, but I really want this to work. Any suggestions or thoughts on this subject?

[Buttterfly]

If there is no sexual atraction possible, I believe that it is possible, and canbe quite nurturing to have a friends relationship with your ex. If thre is any wish of getting back together from your side, then I think it's best you don;t make any contact with him for a while, until you get yourself back to yourself. I think people being able to be friends with an ex ( without any hidden reasons) is a pretty lucky and great thing to happen, and he can possible end up somewhere in your best friends cathegory, since you know eachother very well. I am speaking from experience, I have been in a similar situation: traumatic break up with ex hubby although at the end there truly was not much physical attraction left between us, eventually we came around to understand we can still be the best we can be to eachother without the expectancies of fullfilling the needs of an intimate relationship. He is now on the top 5 most important people in my life and more like a brother, we offer eachother support when we can and it's pretty difficult for both to explain this situation to new partners, since we seem so close, but with no intention whasoever of pursuing a get-back-together thing EVER. So yes, I think it is possible and a very nourishing thing to happen, if you guys are up for it.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

We tried for 5 months..... Now we are NC again. Too hard IMO.

[Katie1607308012]

I think it's too hard to go straght from a relationship to a friendship, give it time, and contact him in a while? I was with a partner for 3 years, and we split, a year later, we were friends again and speak regularly which is so nice

[Buttterfly]

I should say, in all fairness: the ex hubby was an exception: there has been another bf snce then with whom I have tried the same thing, but as he had hopes of somehow getting back together, we ended up at NC

[kittysaysmeow]

I think it will take time, I'm still very hurt afterall, but I hope to at least give it a try once I'm ready. He says he would very much to be friends and has been making an effort, so I guess only time will tell.

 

I guess I was just looking to see if I was completely off by wanting to be friends. I know a lot of people say they want to be but it doesn't work out.

[canali]

IMO it depends on how it ended and the integrity of the people involved....for example I'm finally coming to a unique stage in my breakup (see my posts if you wish) where I am opening my heart to such a possibility; but something vital inside of me is saying that for now this time should instead be focused on more healing and renewing ... Tis so empowering to finally get to this space of rejuvenation after so much largely self imposed hurt .....so in short IMO whatever probability of a friendship there is between you two just won't go away over the next 3 or 6 or however many months it takes for you to truly heal and regain your power back ...especially if there really is a good connection as you say ...so just focus on YOU for now is what I suggest...if anything your future friendship will be even more clearly defined (ie having no hidden agenda) and stronger as a result....and your ex should understand and respect this if he has a good heart.....so use this time to become your own best friend rediscovering strength from the power within yourself as well as from the love of others around you.

[Clarity]

It is very difficult - not all couples are suited for it - often friendship is a guise for one person in the relationship, who still pines for the other, to stay close.

 

It takes time - you can't jump right into it, you need time apart to heal, move on, and become your own person again. In an LTR, two people become one is a sense, a breakup takes to time take effect and turn those two back into to individuals.

 

It is possible - I am good friends with my ex fiance. We meet up semi-regularly, stay in touch, I'm still friends with her family and she with mine. She has a boyfriend now and, as long as he is treating her right, I am happy for her. I am dating, she knows this and wants nothing but me to find the right person. We both came to the realization that we weren't right for each other, even though we were great friends material. I *almost* married my best friend, but a partner needs to be a best friend and more.

[Grace]

Honestly, its not something I would want to do to any future boyfriends. There have been so many instances where i said there was no possibility of a certain event occurring and than life flips me on my ass and it happens.

 

I just feel like even though i may be certain I could never be with an ex again, there's no such thing as never, even if I did have a functional platonic relationship, there are so many mistakes i could make that would hurt my current relationship. They don't even have to be big mistakes, everthings hypersensitive when you're dealing with exs, so a hangout i forgot to tell them about could turn into something that hurts them.

 

I feel like overall the pitfalls outweigh the potential benefits. but maybe ive just been hurt too badly by my past boyfriends relationships with their exgirlfriends to be objective hehe

[kittysaysmeow]

I think I'll just focus on myself for now and hopefully a friendship will occur when I'm ready.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone!