Having a really hard time...Is "no contact" right

[drumrboy]

I am brand new to this site, and I've found much of the advice and insight very helpful. I'm hoping to get some thoughts on my specific situation, so thanks in advnace for anyone willing to help me.

 

Here's my situation (I think the background story is important): I became involed with someone that I worked with. She was 23 and I was 31. The age difference was pretty apprarent when it came to where we were in our lives (e.g. she's VERY attached and dependent on her parents, she is quite naive about the ways of the world, etc.)

 

She fell in love with me. I, however, kept her at arms length due to the age difference, the uncomortable work situation, us lacking some key things in common. I tried my best to be clear about my feelings (caring deeply for her, but not seeing much of a future at this point, etc.) Unfortunately, I was not strong enough to fend off the temptation to be physical, and we acted on our mutual attraction on a fairly regular basis. I know this was probably very confusing for her. But through all of this, she and I also became the best of friends as well, talking every day, hanging out quite often, etc.

 

This continued for nearly two years, but I still did not see us progressing past this type of relationship. But then she got set up on a date by her friends. As soon as she did, I panicked and became terrified of "losing" her. I told her that I wanted us to give a relationship a shot. She reluctantly agreed (probably because she had become gun shy of my abivalence and had started to try and move on.)

 

However, upon "giving it a shot," it seemed she was never really into it. Any time an issue relating to our new "relationship" came up (i.e. amount of time spent with friends vs. each other, etc.), she would get very stressed out and said she felt we "always seem to be working on things" and that "things just shouldn't be this hard." During this time, I also expressed my love for her. (an act of desperation?)

 

So she said she might need to step back from our relationship. But she still wanted to e-mail and talk and occasionally hang out. Unfortunatley, when we did that, we always ended up fooling around. This became confusing for both us. I tried telling her that it was too hard for me to be "just friends" because I seemed to want more from the relationship now than she did. We tried "parting ways" twice, but ended up missing each other so much that we got together, fooled around, and went back to our confusing relationship.

 

So NOW...for a third time, I told her I felt I needed to back away from her while she "takes her space to get healthy." Sadly, when I went to tell her this, I asked about her feelings, and got the "I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." This coming three days after us sleeping together again. (I guess it's my turn to be confused, right?)

 

Anyway...REALLY long story short -- I meant to give our relationship some breathing room, but found out she isn't in love with me anymore. I got up and left -- and that was the last contact we had. I am now feeling severely depressed due to losing one of the most important people in my life. She wanted to still talk - but I think I am really unhealthy and unable to have contact without wanting more than she is willing to give. I think I told her I loved her more from my fear of losing her than from feeling we had a true future. But I am so screwed up in the head and heart right now, I can't tell left from right? I cry quite a bit and have had a couple of anxiety attacks. Am I suffering because I lost my best friend (and more)? Or am I just scared of losing someone's love and affection? Is it something else? Is it all of the above? All I want to do is call her, and I SO wish I was healthy enough to be her friend -- but I think the call would make me feel worse.

 

Can anyone help me with this? I'm sorry it's such a long story. Thanks for bearing with me.

[lealeapopo]

After dating a 27 year old man for 1 year ( I am 41), professions of love and devotion, plans for the future,etc, he cut it off. Abruptly, without warning or provocation. No contact. Nothing. And let me tell you, I have cried a river, buckets, grieved, struggled to understand. I am still messed up. How much did they ever really feel for us? How much did the age difference affect the outcome? What is my resposibility, culpability in all this? I am reflecting, digging for the truth. I do not ever want to feel this pain again. I am getting better, and you will too. Hang in ther. More insights would be helpful... Lea

[drumrboy]

So today is day 9 of "no contact" and I broke it today with an e-mail. I somehow convinced myself that I was e-mailing to get the info of a shared business associate, but then couldn't resist putting in something about missing her so bad but not knowing what to do about it. As I mentioned in my story, I was the one that approached her with the "no contact" rule because i couldn't handle the mixed messages coming from her end, and in the process learned that she apprarently had fallen out of love with me. But I miss her so much that I feel like i'm willing to bag the no contact rule and do things on her terms....just "friends."

 

I know that this (friends) is not what I want, and that it will probably put me back to the "crazy making" feelings I was having waiting for her calls, etc. But I can't seem to convince my brain or my heart that it's unhealthy to have contact.

 

Any more advice out there for me??

[The Morrigan]

For most people - trying to go to "just friends" when you're on the receiving end of the "dumping" is nothing more than an invitation to torture. You get just enough to hang on to, the talking, casual contact - but at the same time have to watch and deal with your ex living a life you're not the same part of, even to possibly talking about their new romantic interests.

 

Make no mistake - every word and every indication you get from your ex while you're trying to be the big person and be there as a friend that shows clearly that things are not what they once were will be like rubbing salt on an open wound. Until you honestly FEEL like a friend, it will only serve as a reminder of what you once had - and now don't. Nobody puts a band aid on a cut and rips it off every few hours to tear open the scab to feel just how much it hurt the first time - and yet, that's what you end up opening yourself up for.

 

There's also the fact that none of us are perfect at hiding our feelings - and as your misery spills over, not only will it make you an unattractive person to consider for a relationship, it will make your ex lean away from you as a friend.

 

This is the time you really need to put yourself first and do what's best for you as far as being able to be a whole person within yourself again, and that doesn't include clinging to bits and pieces of someone who, at least for now, is NOT as emotionally invested in you as you are in them. Yes, acknowledging that hurts. Hell, it hurts a LOT. But constant reminders of it aren't going to make you feel any better. And contact that is only for the purpose of hanging on to a little bit of what you really want is going to hold you down like an anchor.

 

Somewhere under the misery of losing your ex is the person your ex was initially attracted to - a whole person, probably with a good bit more confidence than you're feeling right now. Try to keep in mind that person is still there - it's just going to take a lot of digging deep into yourself to bring them out again and take charge of your own life, and then decide where you want to go from there.

[the lonely heart]

Somewhere under the misery of losing your ex is the person your ex was initially attracted to - a whole person, probably with a good bit more confidence than you're feeling right now. Try to keep in mind that person is still there - it's just going to take a lot of digging deep into yourself to bring them out again and take charge of your own life, and then decide where you want to go from there.

 

Morrigan, do you think that in a friendship setting the ex can end up see the person within you who he/she was initially attracted to? i've moved past the hurt and puppy dog looks...now i'm considering a friendship with the ex but unsure how to approach this transition... thanks

[drumrboy]

Morrigan,

 

Your insight is very wise, comforting and much appreciated! It's just really hard to accept things the way they are veresus the way I wish they could be. But unless I accept them and stop fighting them, I will probably just doom myself to an even greater amount of suffering - as well as keep myself from moving on and finding someone else that could be a true and healthy love.

 

Thanks again for your advice! I'll read it often as a way to gain strength and support.

[The Morrigan]

Morrigan, do you think that in a friendship setting the ex can end up see the person within you who he/she was initially attracted to? i've moved past the hurt and puppy dog looks...now i'm considering a friendship with the ex but unsure how to approach this transition... thanks

 

It honestly depends on how you feel about the possibility of seeing him with someone else, flirting, etc - and how it's going to affect you emotionally if it's not you, or if he is treating you the same as his other girl friends. If you're sure it wouldn't bother you to have him just as a pal, you can always make casual contact and see how he feels about it - just be careful you're really at the point that all you want or expect from him is friendship so you won't be setting yourself up to get hurt. And make sure you won't feel TOO hurt if he's not sure how to handle a friendship with you and comes over as hesitant or cold towards the idea - for some people friendship with their exes seems to come fairly easily, but others can't make the transition very well at all, so make sure you're doing what's best for you.

[drumrboy]

Hi again ~

 

Last night I had a "fall back" and called her. I had tried to keep myself busy and tried calling my "support system" to avoid calling her, but no one was home and I was really missing her.

 

Anyway, we ended up talking for about 2 hours - laughing, catching up - but also getting back into the deep disccussion. Against my better judgement, I began trying to make a case for why we should give it another chance. She seemed to be coming over to my side, but said she didn't feel she was capable of making such a big decision after one phone call. I told her perhaps we could take it one step at a time - maybe a date or something - and asked her if she would think about it and she agreed to think on it. It was clear she needed/wanted to absorb the conversation before making any kind of decision. She said wasn't mad that we were talking about this stuff at all, and that she understood why I keep wanting to discuss things.

 

So now I'm back into the push/pull of contact with her (sigh). I really want her to give us a chance after our good talk, but I feel bad for pressuring her, and I also dread the ups and downs of wanting to send/receive e-mails from her. My first instinct this morning was to e-mail her, apologize for pressuring her, and then take the pressure off with some funny chit-chat. (btw...she admitted to me that the thing that made her fall for me in the beginning was that I made her laugh, but that I seemed to have turned kind of negative after having to leave my job, etc. and that sort of drained some of her happiness.) Part of me wonders if I just stopped pressuring her and talking about this, and started being more light-hearted and fun when we haad contact, that it might lift some of the "weight" of this off of her and remind her of what she loved/loves in me. (?)

 

I don't want to have to play any games with her. I was sensing that she is still not fully sure that she wants us to be done - but that she isn't ready to jump right back in either. The "no contact" thing has been killing me, and I think I worry that if I am not there to show her things could be different, that she will only use the last couple of months as her reference point for the future.

 

It's a damned if i do, damned if I don't situation: If I do "no contact," i'm so miserable from her not being in my life. If I have more casual contact on her terms, etc. I am miserable because I want more!

 

As a side note, she seemed to make a point of telling me that she is not interested in dating anyone else. She wants to just "float along" by herself and "decompress" from all the ups and downs. That was what makes me want to give her this time away...but like I said, I worry that she'll never see that things could be different unless I am there reminding (aka bugging) her.

 

I know this sounds very schizophrenic. But hopefully you guys can help decipher the situation and help me see clearly? I am just really confused and sad. Thank you for listening and helping.

[elusivejc]

This is a tricky one. Mainly because my theory behind doing anything in life involves 'how much do I learn from it'. In your case, either you could use no contact, get over her, and move on; or you could persist either gently or with no contact and possibly succeed.

 

In this case there's good reasons for all, to move on, means you're giving up all possibilities with her, but learning self control, finding yourself, and becoming a better person perhaps with a bit of a chip on your shoulder. No contact as an attempt to get her back, you may end up victor, and you will have had a chance to heal and work on yourself, but you may just lose all that hard work if you end up hanging out for her and waiting on her for her just to turn you down and move on. Gentle encouragement is also an option because there's no strong compelling reason for parting ways, it seems more just like the result of uncertainty. So it may turn out that this will work in your favour and you learn some important things about how she operates while you're at it. Big danger is that she disappears and you're left with lots of healing to do because you've put so much in.

 

I'd be interested to hear responses to this, even though my own situation demands complete no contact and moving on.

 

TEJC