problematic1 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 my fiances mother told me a secret about 6 months ago. and its been eating at my mind ever since. she told me that the man my fiance thinks is his father, is not. his real dad lives in texas and all i know about him is that his name is gary. my fiance has no idea.. and he is so close with his "father".. this would absolutely crush him.. im not sure when she is going to tell him. she has kept his birth certificate hidden from him for over 20 years. this tears me up inside because it makes my heart ache for him. when he does find out, i just want to be there for him. i dont know how he will react. it scares me alot. this is not my position to tell him.. it is all on her shoulders. my curiosity has gotten the best of me. i really want to know about this man, who he is, what he is like.. what he looks like, if he has family.. does anyone know how i can possibly find this out? if it even is possible? Link to comment
amberche Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 It is your responsibility to tell him what is going on, and it is his decision on how to proceed. Going behind his back and keeping a secret this big is exactly how you lose trust and honesty and that is something you will never get back. So basically, holding back, is the beginning of the end. Link to comment
problematic1 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 its not my place to tell him! I did not ask to hear this from his mom and it has put me through absolute hell. This is his mother, her issue. Not mine. I would feel completely out of my place to tell him this. Link to comment
AllissaD Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I can't understand why she thought it appropriate to tell you! She must have known you would feel this way... Perhaps she hoped you would tell him so that she didn't have to. It is not your place to tell him, you are right. But maybe that is the only way the issue can be resolved. Otherwise, you will have to confront his mum. Link to comment
amberche Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 And yet you want to go and find this man, who he is and what he is like. Put your self in your fiancees position. He is going to find out maybe next week, maybe next year. He is going to find out you said nothing this whole time, and then he is going to find out you found his dad, found out where he lived, what he looked liked and about his family. If my boyfriend did that to me I would be beside myself with anger! i would be upset with my parents, and with him and i would have no one I could turn to that I trusted. If my boyfriends mom told me a secret that big about my boyfriend i would have said right away that my loyalty is to him, not her and if she does not tell him the truth I will. Link to comment
problematic1 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 i cant understand why she told me either... and i hate that she told me. She made me promise not to tell him, that she would tell him in her own time. recently, i spoke with her and i told her she needed to tell him soon. i didnt really get a reaction out of her.. so i dont know when she will tell him. Link to comment
amberche Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I know you are in a difficult position, but this secret is hurting you and it is hurting him. If his mom doesn't tell him the truth you may have to. Keeping this secret from him will just eat you up inside. Link to comment
problematic1 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 well amber its not that simple. honestly put yourself in my shoes, how hard would it be to tell your boyfriend of almost 5 years such a big secret like this? its not as easy to do as it sounds. its not easy to be the one to break his heart Link to comment
AllissaD Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 This 'secret' is going to hurt him whoever it comes from, I agree with amber, if he finds out you kept it from him for this long, just like his mother has (although the time difference is huge) that's going to make it worse for him. Sorry you're in this situation - it totally sucks. It is hard on you, that's understandable. But I really do think that he needs to know. If his mother is angry that you told him when she made you 'promise' not to (by the way, how old is this woman? she sounds like a little child), it couldn't be worse than the damage it might do to your relationship with your fiancee. Link to comment
DJBaby Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 I think you need to tell his mom that either she needs to tell him or you're going to. Give her a week. Seriously, you can't let this be a secret, and no, you should not look for his dad. Not unless or until he asks you to help. Link to comment
cancer2mi Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I would ask when and if she plans to tell him the news and go from there. It should come from his mother not you; unless she cannot bear to tell him. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 In any respect that really counts he knows who is his father. Just because someone else was the sperm donor, the love and the relationship between your fiance and his father is as true as any other father-son bond. The genetic bond between a parent and a child is highly overrated. What creates the bond is the emotions, the time, and experiences that one shares with the other that makes someone a parent. Was is right of his mother to keep this from the father and her son? Of course not. But I do think it's her responsibility/ decision to tell your fiance. Link to comment
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