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Angry.


_Asti_

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I'm so mad at the world. Mad at everything.

 

My mother has been battling cancer since a week before Christmas..it wasn't looking good, but things turned around..her tumours were shrinking, her treatment was done and she was getting back to her old self. I finally started to feel like my mom was back...

 

Her latest CT scan has shown that the cancer has spread to her lungs, and the treatments didn't work.

 

She won't see me graduate in June.

She won't see me get married.

She won't get to be grandmother.

 

It's not f*cking fair.

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I'm very sorry things have turned out this way. Please don't spend what precious time you have left with her feeling angry. Love and embrace her.

 

She'll never be far from you. A mother's love is always present no matter how we are seperated.

 

Hugs....

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I don't show my anger around her.

 

It just angers me that she's dying.

 

She did groceries with me this morning, she was so beautiful and so full of life and and she was MOM. So this news was just devastating.

 

I guess thats what angers me the most. The news isn't lining up with what I see. I'm pissed because in my eyes she's not dying. What I am seeing, is not someone who's got cancer.

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hon, I understand the feeling of being angry. I get it, but do you think it will bring any good your way?

I understand that your mom's cancer has metastasized. But why have you already given up dear? Even if your physician tells you that you won't live past so n so time, I still wouldn't take their word for it. Am I saying science is stupid? no, but its a prediction that can go wrong, has gone wrong many times in the past.

You need to shake this attitude of bitterness, resentment, anger, n envy off your shoulder. I understand that it won't happen in 1 day but begin little by little every day. Time and again we see patients in clinics who are at the terminal stage of their illness/disease and how they cope up and heal with their spirituality, God, family, diet, exercise, along with modern medicine.

You and your mom - can you join laughter club, yoga, meditation, church/temple services? Can you read her verses on faith, strength from the Bible? You can look up these verses online as well. Can you chuck meat, dairy, and start her on a vegetarian diet? possibly organic? Can she start light/moderate exercise? (ofcourse consult a physician n clinical dietitian before taking these steps but I suggested b'coz research so far has proven that this helps.) Start somewhere dear. Human life is about hope n dreams. Don't give up just as yet and especially YOU. You should not give up. If you give up, who can your mom live for? Come on, you can do better than this.

Think positive. Your mom can live to see you graduate. Your mom can live to see you have a baby. Not much is lost yet. You n your mom, both do your best and leave the rest to God.

And, most importantly, you keep doing what you need to do at school, okay? I understand that this worry n anxiety takes a toll on your studies. but don't lose focus, you need to keep at your studies if you want to see yourself graduate, get a job, n help your mom.

Hugs and prayers my friend! Hang in there.

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I don't show my anger around her.

 

It just angers me that she's dying.

 

She did groceries with me this morning, she was so beautiful and so full of life and and she was MOM. So this news was just devastating.

 

I guess thats what angers me the most. The news isn't lining up with what I see. I'm pissed because in my eyes she's not dying. What I am seeing, is not someone who's got cancer.

 

She's not going to let you see her suffer. She wants to enjoy what time she has with you.

 

Some people are fighters, that sounds like your mom. It seems that she wants to live out her final days to the fullest and not let this get the better of her spirit.

 

Is there anything more the doctors can do for her?

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I know I know.

I'm just pissed right now.

I won't always be. I'm just really angry and upset at the news because its still fresh with me..and this just felt like it came out of no where, and I am overwhelmed, and emotional and just upset. And I am venting, here, so that I can function in real life.

 

I know I have the strength in me, I've pulled it out of somewhere the past few months..but for now I'm just pissed.

 

 

She's pretty limited on what she can do. She's on a feeding tube because of where the original cancer was, and she finally just started becoming mobile again.

 

 

 

 

 

She is a fighter. She's the most unselfish person ever. Through everything she keeps apologizing to us.

 

My dad said the same thing. She's trying her best to maintain normalcy, for us. She's an amazing person, always has been, and she's just being who she is. A mother and a wife. And I think thats why it hurts so much, she's a stellar person and is the perfect mother. It's just really hard to come to terms with it all.

 

We have to wait another two weeks for a CT scan, and then they said they will see if its moved again, and begin palliative care. The original treatment course did not work.

 

I know miracles happen, we've heard amazing stories from people..but for now..its just hard to come to terms with it. I just need to vent and get it out so that I can move on and deal with this and enjoy life with her.

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