Friend still has my ex friended on Facebook...

[sandrawg]

Exactly. It's controlling, it's selfish, and it's making other people take responsibility for your lack of self-control at staying away from info about your ex, or when faced w/it, figuring out how to deal with it.

 

You can't stick your head in the sand, as much as you'd like to--your ex isn't dead. You might run into that person at some point-you need to know how to handle that there are mutual friends in the equation and you're going to hear about that person from time to time.

 

but I would never ask someone to defriend because its such a controlling thing to do. Even now I haven't asked my sister to defriend her and wouldn't bother even though my sister pretty much despises her (but she's too polite to defriend her since they've known each other a long time).

[sandrawg]

And also, it's not fair to your ex.

 

Your ex might really be friends with these people-asking them to defriend her on facebook is junior high school behavior. You know when you were kids, and you broke up with someone and tried to turn your friends against them? It smacks of that kind of behavior.

[Seymore]

My point - why does she want to be friends with your friends? Does she think she made that much of an impact that they really care what she's up to (my ex was under the impression she was really good friends with my best mates girlfriend though my mates ex is not a fan of hers and was only friendly because she was my girlfriend).

 

If anything, I think that she thinks if she writes certain things or posts certain things, it'll get back to me.

[Seymore]

Exactly. It's controlling, it's selfish, and it's making other people take responsibility for your lack of self-control at staying away from info about your ex, or when faced w/it, figuring out how to deal with it.

 

You can't stick your head in the sand, as much as you'd like to--your ex isn't dead. You might run into that person at some point-you need to know how to handle that there are mutual friends in the equation and you're going to hear about that person from time to time.

 

I never asked him to remove her!

 

When I asked the question, my line of thinking was this: My ex didn't go easily. One simple two-word text after the breakup led to her calling me over a hundred times in an hour. By my friends keeping her on their list, it may give her false hope that somehow she's still "cool" with my circle of friends, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. She may see it as a possible "in" that isn't there. I want nothing more to do with her.

 

My friend added her early on in our relationship. I think they spoke a handful of times (I'd have him over while she was over, and even then, she kinda ignored him and stayed on the computer in the next room), and as far as Facebook goes, they messaged each other once or twice, if that. They aren't and weren't friends. It was more of a "Hey, you're my buddy's girlfriend. Welcome." Had they REALLY been friends, this thought of asking him to defriend her wouldn't even have crossed my mind. THAT is selfish. But what osterfanish and opalinef said makes sense to me too. This same friend of mine's girlfriend was my "friend" on Facebook before I deactivated. Were he to break up with her, I would de-friend her. Why? Because I've known him since the first grade, and I've known her for 2 years. Me and her don't really talk, and it would be an act of solidarity between me and my friend to cut ties with her. Someone hurts my friends, I am by their side.

[TBE_1989]

While I understand your reasoning, I think you're putting disproportionate emphasis on a very small issue. Facebook doesn't reflect the real world. I'm sure your friends are being kind and supportive to you when they see you, right? Having your ex on an online list of 'friends' won't change the fact that your buddies are there for you and on your side 100% of the way.

 

I went extreme NC from the very beginning when my relationship ended. No texts, phonecalls, visits, told our mutual friends not to talk about him, used blocksite to cancel any possibility of checking up on him online. Yet, the thought of telling my friends to delete him from their friends list literally never crossed my mind - and bear in mind my friends had a very similar relationship with my ex as yours appeared to have with yours. I was just too concerned with my OWN healing and too appreciative of my friends efforts to be there for me in REAL life to even notice that he was still on their lists.

 

Also, remember that Facebook has some option where you can choose not to receive updates from certain people, or reduce getting updates from certain friends on your list. If it really bothers you THAT much, you could ask your friend to use that option?

[Seymore]

It doesn't bother me THAT much. I'll settle for him just not mentioning any updates. Again, I don't want her having that "in" through him, but whatever. When she was trying her best to get me back and I strictly stuck to NC, blocking her number and e-mails, she started sending messages to my mom as well as a friend of mine through Facebook who still had her as a friend. She was using any avenue she could. I'm trying to close off all avenues, but I DO realize I can't just waltz into a friend's space and close his doors for him.

[sandrawg]

Hey Seymore-I realize you weren't asking him to defriend her, but other people who responded on here suggested you do just that. When I chimed in that I thought it was controlling, that was directed at THOSE people, not you

 

Anyway, if your ex is truly being opportunistic and using your friend to get to you..your friend will realize it soon enough. People don't hide their true colors very well. When that happens, he'll likely de-friend her on his own.

 

I am still friends with a couple of my ex's friends, but I try to be respectful. I don't talk to them about my ex at all. Because I'm genuinely not "using" them to get to him--he's contacting me on his own. I just like those guys and would like to maintain friendly contact with them occasionally. I would be disappointed if they de-friended me on Facebook cuz of my ex, but my ex would never ask them to do that.

[Seymore]

Oh, ok, sandra. I'm sorry :S

 

You're right, my friend wouldn't allow her to get to me. He's smarter than that.

[opalinef]

Sorry, but if my friend asks me to do something like defriend someone on facebook which is so not a big deal to begin with, I do it because they ask, no questions asked. My friends do not control me nor I them. It isn't about control, it is about sticking by your friend. Of course there are cases when you have mutual friends and become close with the same people as a couple. That's a different situation, but if defriending someone on facebook (who is of no consequence to me whatsoever) lessens the chance that my friend will see something that will upset her (which is exactly what happened) then I will do it.

 

It's funny, when this was happening to my friend, all the people that refused to defriend her ex kept telling her "facebook is not a big deal so we're not doing it." Um, if it isn't such a big deal, then why are you refusing the request of someone who is in your life as a friend for the sake of keeping someone on your friend's list whom you have NO contact with outside of your friend as part of a couple? This is not an unreasonable request nor is it "controlling behavior."