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Friend still has my ex friended on Facebook...

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I was out with my best friend tonight, and we were talking about behavioral issues relating to abuse and whether or not they can really change, etc.


I brought up my ex, and he mentioned "Yeah, every time I see her profile change on Facebook I feel like sending her a nasty message." He thinks she's ridiculous, and has since I first started seeing her. He added her as a friend because we were dating at the time.


This got me a little weak - I'm happiest when she doesn't even exist. I asked what she writes, and he said it was nothing, basically stuff about school. I asked him why he still had her on his friends list, and he said that he has about 30 people on his friends list that he never acknowledges, and he just never takes anyone off because he doesn't think of it.


I wanted to ask him to please remove her, but I don't want to tell him what to do. Instead, I asked him to not mention anything about her Facebook page, profile changes, etc. The deader she is to me, the better.


I'm having breakfast with a female friend of mine tomorrow, and now I'm thinking that she may have not taken my ex off her friends list either. Is it wrong to ask them to do so?


On a side note, I've had such an up and down week. It started great, then she passed me on the street after work Monday and I was feeling down again. For 3 days things got better, and when I went to bed last night I had a conversation with God, thanking him for all he's done for me and how good I felt last night - I felt so free. Then last night I had a dream that I was speaking to an older friend of my ex (who is like her mother/mentor), and this lady's father, (who's in his 60's and would always roll his eyes when it came to my ex...I think he knew she was a handful of issues, while my ex told me he was a pig). I woke up almost in tears - Not for one week can I shake this feeling altogether, it seems. I can't go a week without having a dream relating to her, without having someone asking me if I've heard from her or without having someone mention her period. For 2 weeks before, I felt so good - still struggling, but good. I just can't seem to break free. It's been 2 1/2 months and I feel like a total loser because I can't shake this. A friend here gave me some literature last night and it hit home and felt so great, which led to my conversation with God. It just seems like it keeps falling apart. She's probably happy and a month or so into a new relationship/FWB and I'm miserable, and I feel the roles should be reversed. I'M the one who deserves happiness right now.

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I don't think you should ask your friends to delete her. I think it is o.k. to ask them to not mention her, but other than that, you really have to move past that... why does it matter? really ask yourself that... one of my friends did delete my ex cause she didn't like what he said to me, but i didn't ask her to and i doubt he noticed and it doesn't matter to me either way, but i admit, it was sort of nice to know she stuck up for me that way... so i understand what you are feeling... but i think it's good to consider facebook like "contact", any involvement, questions about facebook profile is like contacting her... ever since i broke up with my ex i have not visited his profile even though he is in my friends list and i changed the updates so that neither he or his friends will have updates on my home page when i log in, to prevent me from being tempted to look at all...

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That's why I completely deactivated my Facebook account. I don't want to give in to the temptation, plus I don't need Facebook. I know that I could still google her name and see her profile pic, but I did that once - a month or so ago and totally regret it, even though it was nothing bad. Just seeing her smiling face made me break down. I just don't want to hear about her, know anything about how she's doing (although my bad side wants to know everything) or know that she even exists. I don't want to dream about her, think about her, none of that. But the thoughts keep seeping into my head, and people asking about her really aren't helping. I know I'm a hypocrite because I'm talking right now about it, but I don't know...


Now if I get the urge, I just google a REALLY old ex's Facebook and look at her profile pic.


But I just sit here thinking: It's Friday night. She's probably out drinking with friends, hooking up with some random guy, and I'm here drinking at home. Lonely. I went on a bar-hopping binge after my previous ex and learned that I was wasting my time, since the girls I met at the bars were just...I don't know...trash. I'm just not ready to fall in love again, and that's why I stay home instead of going out. I can't bear the thought of her over me and out having fun with other guys. And I can't do the FWB thing like she was able to do before (and probably after) me. I feel trapped. I just think of all the guys that have been in her bed since me and it kills me. She was abusive and no good, and I let her stay in my head. I hate myself for that.

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I understand how you might feel about her but the fact is she exists and I'm afraid thatt unless someone wipes her and all record of her from the planet she will continue to exist. And thats what you have to accept.


And it is not the fact that she is on someones facebook or people talk about her, its your REACTION to it that is important. When you hear or think of her you enter into a state of anxiety, the fight -or-flight reaction so you need to deal with that reaction first and foremost.


It's the very fact that you don't want to hear about her or think about her thats keeping you 'there'. It is impossible to forget by command- Impossible. So stop trying. Its a mental battle you are having with yourself with detrimental effect.


What works much better and quicker is getting on with your life despite her being 'there' in your mind. Trying to fight or force her from your mind works with opposite effect. For example, you think of her, so you fight the thoughts off by try pushing them away, which makes them cling more, so you fight them off more, and so they cling more and you fight more and it goes on and on until it drives you insane and ALL you can think about is HER.


Can you see now what you're doing and where you will end up if you carry on thinking this way?


This is the way out of that trap.....


Relax, get on with your life facing and accepting all the thoughts (good and bad) knowing that it is impossible not to think of her at this time. Allow all the thoughts to play in the background while getting on with you life, as the less you fight the thoughts off, the quicker they will cease and the sooner you will enjoy 'peace of mind'.

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I was out with my best friend tonight...I'M the one who deserves happiness right now.


I went through something like this back in high school with my now ex-best friend. It eventually led to our ending, but it was only a catalyst--not the actual reason.


You can't tell someone else who their friends should be. While this stings a bit, it also gives you leeway to do the same--if you don't like how your friend appears to play both sides of the fence, then this means you have the ability to find better accommodating friendships.


It's a two-way street.

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I know he doesn't talk to her. I was only going to ask him because he didn't talk to her anyway, but I'd just settle for him not mentioning her. He doesn't like her, and I don't think he ever did.


You're right, amipushy. I've done it before and I can do it again. Thing is my previous ex lived 40 miles away. I wasn't bound to run into her, and nobody really mentioned her after, so I had time to get used to not thinking about her. With this ex, it's like one way or another, she gets injected into me by someone bringing her up, etc., and I haven't had sufficient time to NOT think of her. But today's going to be a busy day and that will hopefully get my mind off of her. Unless my friend I'm meeting this morning brings her up, like she tends to do.



I guess I just really don't like hearing about her because the thoughts of her will soften me up and provoke me to do something dumb that I'll regret, like call her. I feel like a weak person. Am I taking this too hard?

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Seymore, hugs to you!


You did the right thing by asking your friend not to mention your ex instead of asking him to remove her from his fb contacts. Do not start to worry about any of your friends/ acquaintances if they are in cyber contact with her or not, since it is not relevant for you.


I understand that you are struggling with a lot of different emotions when it come to your breakup, it's normal, especially considering the dynamics of your relationship.


While on one side you are trying to 'erase' her from your life and your memories, your brain is still busy trying to come to terms with, understand, and work through everything that has happened to you, that's why you keep dreaming about her. One thing that you could try minimize the dreams: do not make her and the relationship with her the last thing you think about before going to sleep. Read a book, preferably something funny. Watch some TV etc.



There is no competition between you and your ex, who finds 'happiness faster'. - just because she is involved with someone else in one form or another, doesn't mean that she is truly happier or has moved on.


There are so may possibilities why she is doing that and none of them might have anything to do with not having liked/ loved you as much as you thought

- she is afraid of being alone

- she needs someone else to 'abuse' (I mean, the abuse towards you was most likely a very wrong way for her to battle with her own demons/ feed her fears/ insecurites etc; and most likely she always needs someone to fulfill that role in one way or another)



You are trying to heal from this break up and you are taking the time that it needs, because you have a very specific goal: to feel better about yourself, to find your self esteem and strength and faith in yourself, so that you will be ready to share a new, exciting, and healthy relationship with someone else. That's a big goal, that will take some time, but it will be worth it!


She probably (usually I would recommend not to focus your time/ thoughts on your ex, but I think you need to shift your thought pattern towards her before you can do that; that's what I am trying to help you with) is nowhere close to really take a look at herself, to own up to the role she played in your relationship and to admit that she needs to do some serious soul searching and healing before she will ever be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else. - All of this could hardly happen in those 2 1/2 months.


So you need not feel 'inferior' because you are sitting home on a friday night, while she is supposedly 'the time of her life'.


You should be proud of yourself that you are doing everything you can to become a stronger/ better person. No need for you to beat yourself up.

You actually managed to step away from her, despite the love that you felt. You managed to put up the necessary boundaries and to say 'no more'. that is a huge accomplishment!


take care!

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Thanks, peneolope. You have magical words.


I don't even know if she was having the time of her life. She might be just as alone and miserable, if not more, than me. But you're right, it's not a competition. And most likely with any relationship she may have in the near future, it will be empty. Because I know her, and I know that in 2 1/2 months, she's either:


1. Realized the problem and not done much about it due to her hectic work and school schedule, with the neglect to address the problem resulting in her falling back into her old ways,


2. Realized I AM gone, and decided to forget treatment and go back to her old ways.


It was always her nature - start something, but never finish it. Example - she quit college so often it took her 5 years, 4 colleges and who knows how many changes in her major to get a 2-year degree.


So if she IS with someone else and the past is any indication (not just me, but guys even before me), I'm 99% sure that she's making him miserable.

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It's kinda weird how he thinks of reaxting when he sees her changing profile status stuff but not enough to just click "delete friend"




I am SO glad that I never added my ex on to FB when we were dating. Ironically he tried to add me after we broke up and I rejected it.


Good thing you deleted your FB so you wont be tempted anymore. Hopefully you'll no longer need that old ex's profile as well.

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Thanks, penelope. I really appreciate it and may take you up on that. I can be annoying about it sometimes. There are times I feel like I'm annoying people here with my issues because it's always the same thing - it's been so long already and I shouldn't still be living in fear. Often times I have a good day, and that's happening more often lately. But the rest of the time it's like this nightmare I'm not waking up from. This fear. Fear I'll bump into her and she'll talk me into taking her back. I know her, and I know how she can be, but I still would get disarmed and take her back whenever we'd split up before - she just made everything sound so good. She'd take steps to improve, then quit within a week. I'd see the "she took steps to improve", and ignore the "quit within a week" part.


Daria - that's what I was thinking, but he rarely even goes on Facebook and is very computer illiterate, so I also think he doesn't even know how to remove any friends. He just uses it as a blog-type thing.

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Seymore, patience is something that can be learned as well. Some behaviors/ fears/ insecurities have been 'trained, i.e. programed into ones brain for a long time. Thus it will take a considerable amount of time/ dedication/ challenges to truly be able to reprogram oneself. As much as we all want it, it's impossible just to have a vague wish of wanting to be different and then expect overnight that magically our brains will reform, our fears and pain disappear (this is a general observation, not specifically aimed at you).


Thus I expect that someone can seem to be annoying and stubborn and at times contradictory in their behavior while trying to learn a new behavior, but it's part of the process. There will be many steps backwards and days where you feel that you haven't made any progress, however you always have to see the bigger picture: it doesn't matter if you are making a step back, as long as you are making 2 steps forward afterwards.


Since it is an energetic endeavor and does take a lot of time and dedication, it is often beneficial therefore to have support from more than one source, so that you are not asking too much from anyone in particular. That is why ENA is a wonderful place, because anyone single person can decide how much time and energy they are able to 'spare' so to speak. Therefore never hesitate to ask for help, since the other person also has the option/ freedom to say: sorry not now.


Depending on how strong you feel, it might also be a good idea to work with a select number of resources (I don't want to say people, because you can also consult books, the internet, group therapy etc). There are many roads to Rome, but you can't take all of them, at a given point you have to decide for yourself which method suites you best and just stick to it.

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Thanks, penelope. I actually went out and got a couple of books. I haven't read/finished a single book in many years (basically since college), but my first self-help book (about why we choose people who are wrong for us/red flags, etc) I blazed through in a week and a half, very short for me. After reading those, I tend to see things more clearly and it clears my head at least temporarily, which I'm more than happy to take. I also have good family and friends who keep reaffirming that I made the right decision.

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Asking friends not to discuss an ex is reasonable, going hall monitor on their internet behavior is really-really not. That could make you a lonely guy very quickly, so I'm glad you restrained yourself.


Good news is, you have friends, you see them, you're enjoying your good days and working through your not-so-good ones. You'll see more and fuller good days, and the tough times will turn more occasional.


Keep the faith.

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I totally agree. It's not your place to tell your mutual friends that you want them to remove her. It's not your business.


You can, however, ask them to not mention her or her facebook updates anymore. At least not until the breakup is not such a sore subject for you.

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Thanks, sandra, and everyone. I had even apologized to my friend last night, telling him that I was sorry that I keep talking about my ex and told him that what he does and who he's friends with is his business, and if he ever got any idea that I was suggesting he do something because I said so, I'm sorry. He said not to worry about it and that he didn't take it as that at all. Then he said his Facebook page could probably use a spring cleaning anyway.


I told him he was a great friend and I wish I was like him. If he was me, he'd have been with another girl 2 weeks after the breakup.

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a friend of mine just went through this whole facebook friends thing and she did in fact ask her friends to remove her ex. i do not think it is unreasonable to ask this of people, especially if your real life friends do not even go to your ex's page, are not more than distant acquaintances with the ex, etc. why is that not "your place" to ask that?


it is my opinion that if friends were not mutual friends before the relationship and they only hold the status of acquaintance at the time of the breakup, they are part of the breakup. and while facebook is not that big a deal, i certainly would never fault someone for requesting i remove their ex from my friend's list. i think of that as friendship loyalty.

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a friend of mine just went through this whole facebook friends thing and she did in fact ask her friends to remove her ex. i do not think it is unreasonable to ask this of people, especially if your real life friends do not even go to your ex's page, are not more than distant acquaintances with the ex, etc. why is that not "your place" to ask that?


it is my opinion that if friends were not mutual friends before the relationship and they only hold the status of acquaintance at the time of the breakup, they are part of the breakup. and while facebook is not that big a deal, i certainly would never fault someone for requesting i remove their ex from my friend's list. i think of that as friendship loyalty.


I have to agree with opalinef on this. When I deleted my ex on FB, which was a huge step towards initiating no contact, I deleted all mutual friends on her side (7-8 of them, including her two best friends, who never contacted me post-break up anyway) and asked my own two close friends who had her on their friends list to remove her as well. My two friends were happy to do so as a show of support, especially after explaining the situation to them and how poorly she handled things. In my case, the break up was not fully amicable or mutual, and I fully believe that removing her friends and asking my friends to remove her sent a clear message to her own circle of FB friends (and two closest friends) that things ended badly, despite her most likely telling others in her life that we were still in touch and friends. Perhaps mine is a special case in the sense that I wanted others in her life to know that she was the most responsible for the mismanagement of the relationship.

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I've got passwords to my ex's emails, financial statements, facebook, blogs,... everything. It just kept me thinking of her all the time since I was able to pretty much follow her life through the internet. After I found pictures of her having a blast meeting random guys in clubs and all, and going on shopping sprees at club-style stores, I decided not to check up on her anymore. Since then, I've been much happier.


I do find myself curious from time to time and having access to all her accounts doesn't help. But, I've been much more disciplined in not acting on it and logging in to 'stalk' her. I do admit that sometimes I'm so completely bored and thinking about her that I do end up checking her Facebook account or whatnot, but it's been getting less and less. It used to make me angry to discover things about new life and what she's doing, but now it just makes me want to be a better person and have a better life.


It sucks to have a source of information about ex's, in your case it's your friends. I just keep thinking whether I know about her or not, my life and her life are separate now and it will go on. A good thing about knowing about how she is though is that maybe you can see how she's having a great time with her life and it might motivate you to do the same?

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Good post. I don't need to know how she's doing to be motivated to have a great time. I AM having a good time with my life, but it's all the things SHE used to think was boring, and I'm trying to get that out of my head. SHE has no say anymore, and she shouldn't have before, either.

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As we were going through the break up I deactivated my facebook account, once it was official and no going back I reactivated it ... a couple of hours later when I'm out she bombards me with messages saying I abused her trust by reactivating my facebook account without telling her.


In any case she defriended me and told her friends to defriend me as well ... which was weird since all bar one of them I had already defriended anyways.


Whats the kicker is that she didn't defriend any friends she made through me even including my sister, but I would never ask someone to defriend because its such a controlling thing to do. Even now I haven't asked my sister to defriend her and wouldn't bother even though my sister pretty much despises her (but she's too polite to defriend her since they've known each other a long time).


My point - why does she want to be friends with your friends? Does she think she made that much of an impact that they really care what she's up to (my ex was under the impression she was really good friends with my best mates girlfriend though my mates ex is not a fan of hers and was only friendly because she was my girlfriend).


Sorry I turned this into a mini rant about me and my ex. But facebook is a nightmare with breakups. I wish we lived in the 80s where ex's disappeared and we could assume they had horrible lives without us.

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