Still on the scene?

[Copeland]

My Other half and I have been together now for coming up 6 months. In a kinda of whisked up relationship we have moved in together, a main reason being that changes in our lives made it practical for both of us to live together to reduce costs.

 

Anyway, in the run up to moving intogether I have always had a problem. The 'ex' is still on the scene, but as 'best friend'. Now, there have been phone calls 3/4 times a week, for about 1 to 2 hours a night. I dont even get that much conversation out of this relationship!

 

We have had discussions time and tme again basically me saying that I'm not greatly comfortable with the situation and I would like some help in dealing with it, or a little effort on their part, from which I get a 'of course, I'll do anything I can, coz I love you'. Great. Absolutely, it's what I want to hear and gives me some hope that things will change for the better.

 

However, we have now moved in together and things are still the same. As well as the phone calls now, which are even more obvious as I'm in the same house all the time now, but they chat on the internet everyday also. I come in from work, go up to the office and find message windows quickly hidden behind other things.

 

Its all very well trying to hide things like that from me so I dont get jealous, however, when I have seen them there and then their hidden, it makes me even more paranoid. Now, it's not obvious to me they are talking all the time, it's now hidden, making it all worse.

 

Buying things - oh yes, they have started buying bits together like software which I would have had just as great interest in going halves on etc.

 

Its all very uncomfortable, as I have to respect there is a friendship there and I know I can't ask for a choice to be made between us - knowing anyway that I would not be the choice made.

 

Fighting the other case, an ex from an 18 month relationship is still on the scene on a daily basis, very involved in the whole life that I'm trying to have with my other half.

 

I'm not sure what I should do to help myself deal with this better, or what would now be a reasonable request to change things.

 

Any ideas?

 

CopeLand

[sckoobs]

I'm probably not the best person to ask because I have next to no experience in this sort of thing and your situation sounds really complicated.

 

What I would do is be honest; tell her that you trust her (if you do), don't accuse her of anything, tell her that you will not be judgemental and that you would like to share more time together. Tell her that she does not need to hide things from you. - If the ex is acting as a friend then she has nothing to hide - right?

 

Anyway, try to do more stuff together and figure out if you are right for each other in the long run, figure out your feelings for her, but be prepared for the possibility that she may not reciprocate. Don't just assume that because there are other love interests on the scene that you are destined to fail, or should be with someone else. In relationships that last, people have to work together.

[Copeland]

This is where you are going to wonder why on earth we are together.

 

Me: I like going out with friends, meeting new people, going to pubs, clubs, drinking, generally having a good time with friends and socialising. I like to stay at home too sometimes, sit in front on the tv watch a film or listen to some music, perhaps get a take away in or cook some nice food, and have a few drinks. I like all foods, mexican, italian, chinese, indian, tradtional english, greek, thi, etc.. I like to do things with people, go places, do activities, like go to the cinema, go bowling, go walking, go to the beach for a day, go shopping that kinda of thing.

 

Other half: doesnt really like going out, very private, hates clubs, doesnt like smoke in pubs, is T-total so doesnt drink, doesnt dance, doesnt like a lot of people around. Prefers to stay in, but in front of computer or watching rubbish in very very small quantities on tv. Does'nt like much music, hates takeaways of all kinds, only eats basic english food and white meat. Doesnt eat cheese, pasta, vegetables, anything spicy, anything too scented, anything with to many herbs. Doesn't like activities of nearly any kind apart from walking on a the very rare occasion.

 

Okay, so that establishes that we are complete opposites, so what does that tell me? Well, it tells me that there must be something pretty strong holding us together coz in previous relationships I would have ended it straight away. Now, I bet youre thinking, 'sex' right? Nope, not even that. It's not even as though we have a lot of sex, or its anything great. That sounds terrible I know, but its not my view. To me, sex is important and means something, otherhalf = just something to pass the time.

 

Am i in the wrong relationship? or is there something here I just need to identify and build more on that? and how do I go about identifying this 'thing'?

 

CopeLand

[sckoobs]

If what you say is true then perhaps you should break up, but you should think about how to settle the rent and stuff before you tell her you want to break up... believe me, she may or may not care about the end of your relationship but either way you will have the answers to the questions she is going to ask about moving out, rent etc...

 

Think about why you are attracted to her... she may have opposite interests but is it her nature you're attracted to? Does she have a caring, kind attitude? if you can't think of anything then perhaps its time to go your separate ways - you will eventaully feel stagnated (if you don't already) if you let it go on much longer.

[woopsydaisy]

Tricky situation this is just my point of view....if it was me i wouldnt put up with it.I wouldnt say i was completely insecure ..but i might sound like it after what i am going to say...shouldnt ex relationships have boundaries in new relationships?.I mean come on he sounds like a guy who doesnt respect your relationship at all..ringing up nearly every night contact on the internet with your girlfriend i think he may have some idea how that makes you feel, and im sure he would know you wouldnt and are not comfortable with the situation.Ok so it is healthy to have friends with the opposite sex including exs...but i think there should be some boundaries.If you have spoke to your girlfriend about this and she is ignoring your feelings ...its not looking to good im afraid.Plus shes hidding things from you and knowing myself that would make me paranoid...so your not alone.Shes lucky to have a guy like you who is so tolerente, but i would draw the line somewhere.How would she react if the tables were turned?.

You dont how much in common it seems but your still with her so there must be something between you isnt this whole situation going to break what you do have if its not sorted out quick.?