Who wants to get married? If not, what are your relationship goals and why?

[1MoreChance]

I am 36 female and do not wish to have children (important for you to know: the biological clock is not ticking, there is no "rush" to find "mr right").

 

I do feel in a "prison" easily, even in work situations / friendships I feel it sometimes and want to run away.

 

I sometimes have haunting, scary thougts about being in a "prison relationhsips", example, the other day I was waiting in line at the bank and there was this teller, he was cute, maybe 28, in a suit of course, clean shaven, looked very conservative of course being a bank employee, and I pictured myself bieng his gf, he comes home from work every night, we had supper, he tells me about his day at the bank.... forever ...

 

I DO want a commited relationship, but I am wondering how I will address my fears in the next one... how to choose a healthy relationship... and how many people have "unconventional" relationhsips (ie living apart long term) OR are married or living together and still feel free to be an individual and avoid: boredom / taking each other for granted / fearing abandonement or engulfment...

[StretchGee]

You don't "choose a healthy relationship", you make one. The fears you have - boredom, smothering, ennui - are all real issues that require work. Every day. Forever.

 

The tone of your posts suggests that you are a bit put off by a long-term commitment, and that is good to know about yourself.

 

We build our own prisons.

[SayWhen]

I'm with you on not wanting to have kids. My BF and I have discussed this at great length. I work full-time as a nanny to two children (ages 2 years and 8 months) and it takes massive amounts of work and energy. I enjoy my free-time and kids really tie you down. While I love them, I just do not see having any in my future (nor does my BF, thankfully).

 

As far as our relationship, we have been living together for nearly one year (moved in together after six weeks). I still feel like I have my freedom, and I believe he feels the same way. I work full-time AND go to school full-time so when I do see him, it's usually at night. Sometimes we are in the same room but one of us may be doing something (like reading, cooking, whatever else). Nights are sort of reserved for both of us to have wind-down time. We don't need to always be doing something together, even when we are in the same place. I posted this somewhere else, where I said honestly, that sometimes for both of us, it's enough to just sleep together in the same bed in each others arms at night. I think the key to feeling like you have freedom outside of the relationship is to have hobbies or other responsibilities. The weekends are generally reserved for us to do things together (such thrilling things as doing grocery shopping together...seriously). However, we do not always spend the entire weekend together as either he or I sometimes do other things. For example, this weekend he will be visiting some friends. It doesn't bother me in the least...we both need our space and frankly if we spent SO much time together, I think the love would be lost in a smothering of sorts. We always appreciate the time we have with each other...but don't take for granted that we need to have individual lives as well. I think a major mistake people make is wanting their significant other to spend every waking moment with them, and expecting them to live their life around one person...I think that would cause a "prison relationship" that would end in misery.

 

Also, I do want to marry my BF, and that will probably happen within the next 1.5 years or so. I have found my man

[arwen]

You don't "choose a healthy relationship", you make one. The fears you have - boredom, smothering, ennui - are all real issues that require work. Every day. Forever.

 

The tone of your posts suggests that you are a bit put off by a long-term commitment, and that is good to know about yourself.

 

We build our own prisons.

 

I completely agree.

 

In addition, I wonder why you imagined yourself with someone you don't know rather than for instance with a close friend? Basing ideas on prejudices about a guy at a bank... I don't know? If you abstract away from a particular person, how would your ideal LTR look on a daily basis? This is important to know, and is probably about smaller things than wanting children or not. Simple things like how you spend spare time, what you need to unwind, and how your personal needs fit into a relationship.

[1MoreChance]

I completely agree.

 

In addition, I wonder why you imagined yourself with someone you don't know rather than for instance with a close friend? Basing ideas on prejudices about a guy at a bank... I don't know? If you abstract away from a particular person, how would your ideal LTR look on a daily basis? This is important to know, and is probably about smaller things than wanting children or not. Simple things like how you spend spare time, what you need to unwind, and how your personal needs fit into a relationship.

 

I appreciate what you mean in the latter part of your post... and about the bank teller, the guy at the bank was to show you how my mind goes into cliché type of day dreams to express its fear and reluctance.

 

the info about not wanting shildren doesn't mean I base my reflection mainly on this fact, it was so that people know this important info so that they didn't start posting: "well if you want children you need to consider getting married, or living together for the sake of the children, etc... " or "if you want kids you need to find a partner soon adn setel down as you are reaching the age where it will be too late / very difficult to bare children"....

[mr_iwi]

I want to get married and have children. In fact, I would say that starting a family is my greatest ambition in life.

[Unknown1607307972]

I'd like to get married one day but not for a while because I am way too young. I don't want kids ever because while if a marriage fails you can end it (although I'd take it seriously still) children are something you just can't abandon. However who knows what my opinions will be in ten years time, I just don't see myself changing right now.

[SuzieQQ]

I DO want a commited relationship, but I am wondering how I will address my fears in the next one... how to choose a healthy relationship... and how many people have "unconventional" relationhsips (ie living apart long term) OR are married or living together and still feel free to be an individual and avoid: boredom / taking each other for granted / fearing abandonement or engulfment...

 

Hi, my BF and I have an "unconventional" relationship. He is divorced and lives with his two teenagers and granddaughter. I live with my 4 year old. We have been dating for 3 years. We both own our own homes. We see eachother usually only 2 or 3 times a week. We both have our own responsibilities and commitments. I think I might like to live with him someday, but it is going to be a very long time. I think that growing old with someone is a good thing. But for now this works. Neither of us feel like we are in a prison. Things don't get boring or stale. It can be done.

[arwen]

I appreciate what you mean in the latter part of your post... and about the bank teller, the guy at the bank was to show you how my mind goes into cliché type of day dreams to express its fear and reluctance.

 

the info about not wanting shildren doesn't mean I base my reflection mainly on this fact, it was so that people know this important info so that they didn't start posting: "well if you want children you need to consider getting married, or living together for the sake of the children, etc... " or "if you want kids you need to find a partner soon adn setel down as you are reaching the age where it will be too late / very difficult to bare children"....

 

I understand, and I imagine that people will often ask that sort of question, because the 'norm' is to get married, have kids etc. The thing is that the 'rest' of expectations of LTRs is sort of built around that goal of having a family, even if some people (maybe even more than we think) really don't want children. Living together is practical if you are raising kids, although I am sure that I'd also want to live with my fiance if we didn't want kids. For us, deciding to live together, and a year later getting engaged and starting a family were separate decisions.

 

In fact, am not convinced at all that co-habitation, for instance, is something that is good for ALL relationships. A former co-worker of mine was really a very independent woman. She has been sure she didn't want kids of her own since she was 25, she is about your age now. She and her long-term partner will never live together, both have their own set of activities, their space, etc. They are monogamous, and committed to each other, but are happier living apart. You won't believe the things people would say to her! Things like 'I am sure you will end up marrying him and have kids after all', and 'you will be so lonely when you are old'

 

As if being each other's life-long companion is not a relationship goal in itself. It's the ultimate form of friendship and love, and that is something completely apart from having kids together or even living together.

[depressed_86]

I'd like to get married one day but not for a while because I am way too young. I don't want kids ever because while if a marriage fails you can end it (although I'd take it seriously still) children are something you just can't abandon. However who knows what my opinions will be in ten years time, I just don't see myself changing right now.

 

I think I would just really like to be in love for once and have a guy treat me well for a change.. And then maybe have kids, even if it can be tough.

[1MoreChance]

HI Arwen I loved your post.

 

I know there is a social stigma around choosing a different way of being in a relationship. My relationship has just ended and I am thinking "what do I want, who am I, what do I need for the next one"? One of my teachers, she is a 46 year old female, has been in a relationhsip for 10 years and they don,t live together. It is a conscious choice. She travels a lot and is fiercly independent. He respects what she is and doens't get insecure when she leaves for a month. He is jus happy for her. she did live with a man and have children young, she tried it but it wasn't for her (her children are like 22 and 23 now).

 

 

I love this quote form your post: "As if being each other's life-long companion is not a relationship goal in itself. It's the ultimate form of friendship and love, and that is something completely apart from having kids together or even living together."

 

I'd like to experience this, but I have yet to deal with issues that make it very hard (and terrifying) for me to get close to someone without feeling like the world is gonna fall apart. so I'll work on me for now and we'll see later. But I do think it's important to define what you want and to know yourself before you want to find "the one".