trying to get the love of my life back part II

[jl301]

Hi everybody,

 

I need everyone's help again. I am really glad that I found this forum and be able to share my story with everyone. I want to thank everyone that I have read or reply to my story, thank you. I want to update everyone about my situation. To those people that are reading this and have no idea what I am talking. Please go the subject "trying to get the love of my life back" by jl301 and read the first part of my story. I have read so many people story's and everyone has preached about being patient. However, it is so easy to say and so hard to do for me at least. It has been five months that since me and my ex broke up. Last Friday, we almost went our separate ways because I was pushing her so hard. Everytime we talk on the phone, I would always talk about when is she going to forgive me. I really can't help it guys not to talk about that because is on my mind 24-7. I am really trying to be patient with her and give her space. It just feels like that is lost cause for me. I have really trying to change my life around and that it is so depressing to me because I feel that it has been five months and she must see alittle changes within me. However that is not the case, it just really sad to me. I know that people don't change overnight and that it takes time for people to change. It takes more time for those people willing to accept to take you back and see the changes in you. I understand all that concept that it will just take time. But I just don't know if I could do it. I love her with every ounce of body and that I will wait because I really feel that we are meant to be with one another. Some people might think I am crazy. But I really feel that though in my heart. We patch things up a little bit on Friday and that she says that she will not let go, but I have not talk about getting together with her everytime we talk to one another on the phone because she said that she is just being pushed to hard by me. I told her that I will go by her pace and that I will tried really hard not to pressure her. However, I told her that if I don't say anything about it doesn't mean that I don't care. I told her she knows what I want and that she says she understands. I am so afraid to lose her. Please give me advice everyone. I want to give her space and at same time I don't want her to feel that I have lost interest or have her lost interest in us getting back together. Any response or advice would be great, thanks to everyone again.

 

Sincerely,

jl301

[SwingFox]

jl301,

 

Thank you again for your update at eNotalone.com. I am sorry to say that you're not doing so well yet. I am not sure if my reply is something you really want to hear. But people know me as an honest and open person, wether in good or 'bad'.

 

In my opinion your focussing on the wrong thing. What do you mean by you changing? No offense, jl301, but a person does not change. Someone can get influenced but a change? That's very hard. Multiple changes? Forget it! That's not gonna work.

 

I am also very concerned that you are changing for HER. Why wouldn't you want to be the person you are? You can't change just for the benefit of someone else. I hope you understand this.

 

My suggestion is to think weather this young woman is REALLY the best for you. Like I said... a person doesn't change that easy. I wish you good luck.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[ziggy]

swingfox is right, you should not change who you are to accommodate someone else! You are a loving, caring person, otherwise you would not be taking advice!...if you did not care you would not be writing! aye?!

the fact is I do not know all your story but what you have said you sound like the 'persuer' if you need space and you are being persued you need more space! turn around and walk away, watch the persued start to persue you! they are so used to you chasing that if you stop, it startles them, shakes them up, they will see you in a different light! You need to change their perception of you from 'needy' You need to change their perception of you, HOW? become 'indifferent', I do know this is hard, all the time you are thinking if I do this I will lose them forever! WRONG!...

human nature, you become more attractive when you are not so available this does not mean not being friendly, or understanding, but you do not NEED this person, you have a life without them, (if not you need to make one) when they see you do not need them you are self sufficient, you do not need them in your life, they want to be in your life they want to be with you!....I took this advice once and trust me it does work! people bond to the confident ones, the best person in your life is you! do what makes you happy first!...everything and everyone that will mean anything to you will follow....

[stillthere]

ok i just wanna ask you a question...please don't think anything bad about it but i am just talking from my own expirience... how sure are you that she doesn't have another boy....but trying to hold you too just in case...

 

best wishes

 

stillthere

[jl301]

First off, I like to thank everyone that have reply to my question. I just want to clarified something for you guys. I am not changing myself for her. It may seem like it. This breakup and all the events that happen before and after made me realize that I really need to get hold of my life. I need to stop day dreaming about things in life and actually go do them. I am trying to pay off all my credit card debits and I doing pretty well. I believe I am doing pretty well and that I still got long way to go and making myself a better person. I kind got offended by what swingfox had to say, but he was trying to be honest in his own ways. I thank him for his advice. I really believe that people can change if they really want to commit to it. I know that almost all the people say that they are going to change, never make it or just make it attempt to do it. I know that I can say whatever I can about me going to change my life around. Talking is easy and however turn it to action and actually do it is very hard. I know that people out there might think I am just Bull s*** about changing myself around. I am really commited to myself. I love this girl with all my heart and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know that may sound like bunch of BS. But I really mean it and that only I know for sure what I am going to do with my life. I hope everyone out there would give me the support. I really care about this girl and that I am committing to getting her back. I know you guys out there would say that I am just sore loser thinking that he will get his girl back. I really feel in my heart that we will be back together. I know that I have to give her time and be patient with her. I know that it has already been five months, since we broke up. I know that I hurt her really bad and that it will take time to heal that wound. I hope you guys believe in my hope in getting her back and that I appreciate each and everyone's comments. To answer one of the guys question, I am sure that she is not seeing anyone else because I know that she would tell me and plus she not ready to accept anyone else. Plus her little sister is trying to help me get her back. I know that she is honest with me and that if she decides to date someone else she would tell me. I am being honest with all my comments and i hope everyone would comment more on my subject.

 

Thanks,

JL301

[stillthere]

my friend you are trying to get her back and she is trying to get her time and space....i was tyring to get my girl back she was trying to get this time and space...and at the end nothing happened... i know how it is when you love someone i love/ed this girl so much but than i saw what she was doing to me....when you are totaly in love you don't see things a person is donig to you only my friends and my parents could see them but i didn't wanna realize them so please be careful and love youself, too

 

stillthere

[jl301]

First off, thanks for responding to my problems, STILLTHERE. I really appreciated. I'm sorry that your attempt to get ur girl back wasn't successful. I understand where you come from you say that when you are in love. You don't see anything else in sight and that you just want to focus in loving that person and in my case. Which is getting them back in my life. Thank you for your warning. I really believe that she is not going to date anyone else. How do I know for sure, well I really can't tell you. I have to say is that I know her well and she knows that. She is going through this period that she just need some time and space from all guys. I know that if she were going to date somebody else. She would tell me. I know that if she does start dating someone else, I will be really hurt and heartbroken. But that won't stop me from still wanting her back. You guys might think I am fool by saying this, but when you truly love someone and you love them for the rest of your lives. I am not saying that if she really moves on with her life and get settle down with someone. I understand that no one waits forever for their love one to come back, I understand that. I don't know how to tell you guys my feeling for her are so strong. She makes me feel so at peace with myself. I know that my life doesn't depend on her to operate and to move. But I will be lying to myself, if I say I don't want her in my life. I know that I sound like alot of guys out there. They sound so sincere about getting their ex back in their lives. However, that sincerity dies with time. I just really believe in my heart that we will get back together. She still checks up on me once week. I told everyone that I will give her time and space. But still make my presense felt in a different way. I know and she knows about how I feel about her. I don't need to tell her everytime I see her. Like I said talk is really easy, but putting your words into action will take patience and effort on my part. Sorry, about going on and on with my life. I want to thank everyone for reading all of my story.

 

Sincerely,

jl301

[Trishie1607306433]

I totally agree with the poster who said "stop pursuing". It is very true that the pursuer and the pursued often change places when the pursuer stops chasing. See if that works. One bit of advice my mother gave me "if you keep doing the same thing and keep getting the same result, do something different". Wise words!.

 

Keep in mind for a relationship to work BOTH parties have to really want it in order to work through difficulties, forgive, move on and grow. There are so many challenges in relationships that both parties have to be wildly committed to the idea or it won't last.

 

There is only so much ONE person can do to hold a relationship together. In fact, one person cannot hold a relationship together. It has to be TWO. You cannot do anything to get someone back if they are not interested. If someone comes back it will be due to their OWN initiative! YOu can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. They may try it for awhile, but eventually they'll stop trying.

 

In the mean time the only thing you can do is try to live your life as best you can, keep working on being more responsible (you mentioned paying down your debts, etc). Focus on you being a SINGLE person, try not to hang on to the feeling that you and your ex are still somehow "together". That's definitely not healthy. Most importantly you need to grieve the loss - perhaps your wish to hang on to her is more caused by you not wanting to go through grief rather than how you feel about her? (I am just throwing out ideas here, feel free to disagree as I dont know your situation as you do) I admit I hang on after a breakup because I dont want to grieve/cry/admit that person hurt me!

 

I dont know what exactly happened that caused this break in your relationship, but its worth exploring what happened and the root causes of it. That's the only way someone can "truly change" (I disagree with the poster who said that people can't change - people CAN change PARTS of themselves for the better regarding emotional and personal health and well-being).

[stillthere]

Ok I think soon I'll be kick out of this forum, because I'm posting messages after messages… 

 

Ok first of all I don't know if people can change but they can "modify" their behavior or modify their style of living (that helps often, too)

 

Second they are so many people out there who are saying it is a great feeling to be single and to do whatever you want to…that's true but the feeling to be in a relationship should be even greater…if it isn't you should check on it or break up

 

Stillthere

 

It's not wrong to do a mistake over and over….it's wrong if you never fix it.

[christianh1607306450]

Here's my view:

 

I think the best thing you've been told is to give her space. If you really love her then let her go and do what she wants (even if this means she goes with someone else). Just retreat, get on with your life and see what happens.

 

The relationship will only work longterm (which I presume is what you want) if she comes back to you of her own free will...so let her go out there, see what else she can find and then if you are meant to be together, she will find you again.

 

All too often people think that contacting their ex is the best way to keep themselves in the picture - it isn't...if they wanted to talk to you or see you then they know how to get hold of you. In the meantime you need to pull back and let them do what they want. It makes you seem a whole lot stronger and attractive. Whatever you do don't go chasing her out of desperation - it isn't attractive and it won't endear you.

 

Phrases like "I am nothing without you" are often used - think about it! That phrase suggests that the ex who is being chased, is being chased by "nothing"...how unappealing!

 

Be yourself, go out and have fun...try not to think of her and if you are meant to be together something will work itself out. I know it is painful (I've been there) but you need to make sure that any reconciliation is for the right reasons.....

 

And I'm not just preaching this, I am actively doing it myself at the moment - I want her back, but I am not going to chase her - she needs to realise what she's missing. That might take time and it might never happen, but at least I'll know that if we do get back together, it will be because that's what she wants.....in the meantime, I'm busily looking for someone else...

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[memyselfi]

I agree with swingfox's response to JL301 - in general.

 

However, I'm facing a similar situation, and I have 2 young children. We've been married for 10 years.

 

It's not so easy to base one's decision to leave or give up on a relationship on whether one's partner is REALLY right for one, and simply move on if they're not, when she is the mother of your children.

 

There's so much more at stake then.

 

In my situation, I feel as if I HAVE to make it work, for everyone's sake - her's, mine, the kids'.

 

It's hard.

 

...

[SwingFox]

Hi memyselfi,

 

Welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for responding to this message and your mail towards me.

 

I understand where you're coming from. I am very sure that decisions like this are very hard, even when there are no children involved. However, life is a very precious thing. You only live once and that means you have to live that life.

 

I see a divorce or break up as a last resort. People get hurt when they break up and some people even get in a depression. However, when you have tried everything in your power to make things go and it doesn't, is it then really fair towards anyone to stay and feeling down your whole life long? I live by this rule: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy." That rule applies!! Anywhere!! Especially children notice when things are wrong between parents. Isn't it better that the parents then split, try to stay friends or at least respect each other and work with the children separately, rather than trying to work out things and stick together, but getting frustrated over and over?

 

I hope this clarified my words more in depth...

 

~ SwingFox ~

[hope]

JL301~

 

I think i'm facing the same problem with you this very moment. You probably want to respect her. You want her to know u're respecting her and giving her the space she wants. but at the same time you want to know wat's on her mind.

 

nOW ..abOut "cHAngiNG"..i doNT think you should change..bUT instead you should BE the person she once fell in love with. I mean, you did/maybe still mean something to her. I do believe as someone posted that you can CHANGE PARTS of yourself. bUT i dont recommend that you TELL her that you'd change..iNstead SHOW her that u changed. ALso, like others said, dont make yourself sound desperate- instead be strong in front of her. lEt her see that yOu're not that loser who can only live with her. But still stay in contact with each other. you want to be on her good side. this stuff takes time.

 

me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago..i'm pretty much doing wat i told u to just now..i'm pretty heart-broken as well aND am pRetty lost as well..i'm sorRy if my advice doesnt mean much to you..i just hope things work out the way u want it to..

[jestertat]

JL301-

 

I am kinda on the same boat as you at the moment, but I have to agree with the last reply, only because I have been trying this and it does work...so far. She wants space, give it to her. I went around asking friends for advice and they all pretty much told me the same thing. I was being to aggressive, she was getting the attention she wanted. So I stopped, I gave her space, I let her call me. And it has been working. I think (I hope) she has been seeing what is is like to be without me, so instead of me calling her almost every day, she has been calling me every other. I think you wrote in your story that she wanted it to be natural more than a push, so if she wants space, but you still talk every once in a while, try to play your cards like it is a new relationship, and get to know eachother all over again. My love has been sending me mixed signals about getting back together. At one pint she will say she needs her space, but then five minutes later, tell me she loves me and misses me. So I am going to let things go where they go. I suggest the same to you, only because it has been working for me...

 

Let her call you (don't worrY, if she loves you, she will), and don't push her, she will want you more if you don't show you want her. I know it's all weird, but so far, it's working for me, and I was with her for four years before all this happened.

 

Good luck,

-jestertat-

[john one]

I too am going through this. It was a 7 year relationship. It just ended, but I definitely will not be a "pursuer" this time. We had been through times like this a few times before and there were times when I told her many things to try to make her stay and see the situation as I saw it -to convince her. And there were also times when I just let her go and tried to live MY OWN life. I noticed that the times I tried to convince her to stay, it created problems, it seemed like she would always be at war with herself for days, weeks, or months after. On the other hand, the times I just let her go and tried to live my own life, she always came running back.

 

This was all in the past, and now this most recent break-up I know is the big one. We are grown up now and are forced to take our choices much more seriously, so I know she's not going to come running back to me so easily. She's going to do her best to really find out what she wants in and out of her life. It hurts bad, I know. My love for this girl is as real as it can get. I would give my life to save hers, no sweat. But through experience with my girl in particular, I know that chasing her, trying to convince her that we're right for eachother, etc. definitely will make my chances worse. I already gave her my point of view and told her what I want at the time she split with me. It's done. Now I've got to try to make my life as best as it can possibly be, without her in it. It feels like such a big risk to put it all in her her hands, but the way I see it, there really is no choice.

 

I'm so convinced -through my own memories of certain situations as well as the opinions of others (especially women)- that the concept of appearing needy is really unattractive to a woman is SO true, that the next times I talk to my former love (I still need to give her belongings back, take her off of my insurance policy, etc.) I will do my best to sound UN-needy. I know, that anything I say that might sound needy, will just lessen my chances with her. I don't want her to be with me just because she thinks I NEED her, I want her to be with me because she WANTS to be with me. Part of the reason why she broke up was because SHE felt too needy. Even SHE wants to be with me only if she finds that she truly WANTS to be with me. I think the goal for me, since I was forced into this situation, is to really become independent, to find a way to be happy with and by myself. This is the best chance I could give US.

[nina]

Hi John One,

 

I read what you said and agree with it totally. I think I made myself unattractive to my boyfriend too by appearing to 'needy'. I leant on him too much. In these last two weeks I've become more of the self-reliant person I was when we first met over a year ago. I think it's a lot healthier. I've also done a few things for myself (gone to get the first haircut this year (money is tight) and gone to the cinema to see 'Johnny English' (boy, did I need a laugh). And that's been good for MY soul.

 

In the meantime, things have not been going well for my (ex?) boyfriend. The girl he did want to go out with.. well.. her father has forbidden her to see him. And now he is suffering. Ah, it's all a mess.

 

God knows if we will ever get back together again.. but we're still talking to each other. I will not visit him as originally planned at the beginning of May but I might still go at the end of May.

 

This will give us both time to think about things - and who knows what will happen?

 

The thing is... I set out deliberately not to contact him first. I always complained that HE never initiated contact but then realised that I never gave him a chance to.. because I was always quicker. Anyway, since i've been holding back a bit.. he's been coming forward. And that makes me pleased.