After 12 years of marriage feel very replaced

[rebelfac]

so quickly. My wife left 4 months ago and moved her and my 12 year old daughter in with her new boyfriend's place. He seems somewhat nice from what my daughter has described but helped sway a married woman. His ethics from my POV from the start are questionable. We had always been extra cautious with our daughter but now it seems she is under a spell and her judgement is clouded. He is picking her up from school and bringing her home fro hours when my wife isn't there. Sure a part of my thoughts are jealousy but then again how well does she really know him. Mostly for 4 months then occasional lunch while the emotional affair started last spring. This just isn't like her and she has changed so much. They are all of a sudden a family and we are only separated. She is so under a spell and I just can't figure it out.

[My Advice]

What happened that caused the divorce? What were your wife's reasons?

[rebelfac]

Two big reasons. I wasn't providing love and affection and created a void that he is now filling. I treated her too much like one of the guys. Our communication was great but it surprises me that she seems to be preferring his although the conversation is fresh compared to 14 yeas as is sex. I knew how to please in that dept though. My friends say the honeymoon period will end for them and that she is storing her memories rather than throwing them away. It's hard to understand how she can turn off the memories so easily.

[Loki71]

I was in your shoes. My wife of 12yrs did the same thing for the same reasons. She was met one of the guys she is dating before she told me it was over. I kept dewlling on how could she just be so happy while I was hurting. You won't get that answer cause it's just not there. She stopped loving you long before it was over. Her pain ended when the marriage did. You never got to see the hurt and pain she went through if she was like my ex and hid it from you. I know this doesn't help but it might give you some kind of answer.

[rebelfac]

Why didn't she communicate her pain and needs though instead of keeping it in. Why didn't she suggest a counselor? Thanks for sharing. I have certainly learned from it and if given a second chance would fullfill her needs. I am afraid it's too little too late and she is with the first guy to fill the void I created. He is not at all attractive and i learned this can easily start from as an emotional affair.

[thejigsup]

She didn't tell you because many, or most, men don't listen to their wives. And I mean REALLY listen. I don't tell my bf everything because he gets that glazed look on his face. Oh well, you guys do many nice things as well. But one hint about women: When we are through trying, we are through trying. The WORST thing you can do to a woman is take her for granted well after cheating or physical violence, anyway. Once we shut down, we're gone and ripe for the next guy. That being said, I don't think it is cool what she is doing living with this guy and having him watch your daughter. I'd be very concerned about that!

[doyathink]

She didn't tell you because many, or most, men don't listen to their wives. And I mean REALLY listen. I don't tell my bf everything because he gets that glazed look on his face. Oh well, you guys do many nice things as well. But one hint about women: When we are through trying, we are through trying. The WORST thing you can do to a woman is take her for granted well after cheating or physical violence, anyway. Once we shut down, we're gone and ripe for the next guy. That being said, I don't think it is cool what she is doing living with this guy and having him watch your daughter. I'd be very concerned about that!

 

Agreed! People usually only wake up when it's too late. They cant see the writing on the wall when it's there.

 

The fact is....you cant take someone from another. She made the choice and if the marriage was what she wanted with you, she wouldn't have left.

 

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I honestly don't mean it too. It is what it is unfortunately.

[Wolf_22]

rebelfac, I want to convey my sorrow. You must be in pain. From the sounds of it, I'm willing to bet my soul that you're better off. Try to keep your chin up and forget about the women who had absolutely no idea what she wanted in this union.

[rebelfac]

Thanks everyone for the feedback! She initially really wanted to be friends and I said you deserve it and now that I think about it so do I. She called me every day for two months before work after she left. Two months later I discovered she was having an affair. We had got together about 7 times and had a lot of fun and she allowed me to be affectionate. ( run my fingers through here hair and even 6 second kisses) Doing this and flirting made it 3x more fun but the last time we did it she revealed she is getting serious with him. This was in January at the beach but we finished our time together flirting. She seemd to be ok with affection but that has recently changed. (understandably) I am not so sure she misses our conversations anymore but I do want to remain friends. It isn't fair though that she gets to make the rules and we only can talk in a very narrow window of opportunity. I think I finally need to go limited contact. I still think she is a very exceptional person but am afraid that I will be taken by surprise again and she will throw the friendship away.

[My Advice]

She didn't tell you because many, or most, men don't listen to their wives. And I mean REALLY listen. I don't tell my bf everything because he gets that glazed look on his face. Oh well, you guys do many nice things as well. But one hint about women: When we are through trying, we are through trying. The WORST thing you can do to a woman is take her for granted well after cheating or physical violence, anyway. Once we shut down, we're gone and ripe for the next guy. That being said, I don't think it is cool what she is doing living with this guy and having him watch your daughter. I'd be very concerned about that!

 

thejig women give up and come back all the time. Women regret things all the time.

[My Advice]

rebel why are you wanting to be friends with somebody who cheated on you, manipulated, and gets to make the rules?

 

Why not take control of the situation and say have fun bye.

 

I have learned that the most powerful weapon you can have towards anybody, esp a woman who no longer cares is simple indifference. She knows you care. She knows she could have you if she really wanted you.

 

Don't be willing to take her back. Learn to severe that part of your brain that cares. Learn self respect. It's beautiful and the sound of their voice or look on their face can be a beautiful thing. It works for both genders.

 

Human beings hate, fear and LOVE indifference from the familiar more than anything.

]

It tears at their very childhood. It inspires love and hate.

 

Shrug her off next time and find somebody else. Then we will see if she is still calm with her decision, esp as that relationship is heading towards ruin, and if so it wont matter cuz you will be done with her.

[rebelfac]

I will go very limited contact now - the following chat from today reveals that I still am into her but I won't make this mistake again and will initiate very limited contact. I sound like such a whimp after reading it again.

 

Me: the only reason I say this is that it seems that our friendship in terms of window of opportunity/desire to talk is shrinking

Her: I just feel that I am not giving you room to grow. I want to be careful that I am not creating a worse situation

[11:24] her: many say this

[11:25] me: ok I do understand that

[11:26] me: at the same time I want to think you care and that 14 years means something - that it can't just be easily turned off like a light switch

[11:26] me: that isnt who you are

[11:26] her: I know.

[LifesontheUp]

I really do feel for you. Its not easy when someone leaves a marriage and on top of that move in with someone else.

 

I believe that she is keeping you "sweet" in case this relationship doesn't work out. As you have a daughter together then you will have to go limited contact rather than no contact.

 

My advise, is turn that switch in your head to "off" as far as she is concerned, accept she has made her choice and concentrate on YOU. She doesn't matter anymore, you and the relationship with your daughter does.

 

When you don't have your daughter fill your time up with family and friends and doing things you enjoy. Look into new hobbies, join some new clubs. Make a life without her, it can be done....I did it after 18 years of being with my ex. I know it isn't easy, but time is most definitely a healer. Just don't let yourself get drawn back in by her or it'll put your healing back.

 

Good luck

[rebelfac]

Thanks for the feedback. You are absolutely correct and I see it now

 

My daughter called last night and it was so special. The ex emailed today and it was from the heart.

 

A sample of my email RE divorce to her last night:

 

I first want to say that I hope what you said the other day about me being a great man and a great father explains why you want to remain good friends is genuine. This has been much more difficult than I have shown and have thought often about us as a family. I want what's best for you. I never meant to deprive you of anything I just was naive in relationships and have learned so much from my mistakes and do realize it's too late for us. I did very much

love you J & I have truly let you go. I never asked you to come back because it wasn't about what I wanted it's about respecting your wishes. understand that you likely want to move forward as far as the divorce process and I want to let you know that I plan on fully cooperating and know that we can do it in the least painful way. I think you know that we will easily agree about everything and therefore don't need to use a scumbag lawyer. link removed is one of the very inexpensive ways to do it as long as we can agree with everything and i fully expect we will .

 

A sample of her response:

 

Yes, I did mean what I said about you. You are a great man and a great father!

Of course, I want to remain good friends and move forward very positively.

I always wish you great health and prosperity and most of all, happiness!

I want you and Maddy to have a wonderful, loving relationship and you are always to remain her father and a secure part of her life. As for the divorce process, yes we are on the same page. I am not out for anything or want anything but your happiness and Maddy’s. So, if summer is best for you I am supportive and committed. I will make sure you are taken care of.

[My Advice]

reb you need to cut off all contact with her until you are happy with somebody else at which point you will realize a cheater and manipulator isn't really a great friend either.

[rebelfac]

Hey my advice,

 

She ultimately did do this to me and I could easily hate her for it. She really was the perfect partner for 14 years and made me very happy. I didn't make her as happy as she deserved. Yes she should have communicated it better and shouldn't have cheated in the end. What's done is done and their is nothing that I can do about it. It could be far worse for me so I might as will forgive and make the best of it. Moving on now and finding someone new will make me feel completely better. It really is dissapointing how she acted in the end but it looks like she still has character and a conscience, has and will help me in life. I never even caught her look at another guy with me in 14 years and learned how an emotional affair can start. I really did take her for granted in the marriage and at times thought I didn't deserve her. Why create a battle and an enemy. Remember that acting ok with it and moving on is the only way she would ever want me back and yes by then I likely won't want her. My daughter will benefit from the maturity I have demonstrated and believe me I never thought I could forgive this kind of betrayal.

[rebelfac]

I will say that it's still hard to understand how she can tell me she loves me in an email Sept 11th and make up her mind to leave Sept 23rd and then actually leave on month later. ( after a fight I asked if she could email her feelings)

Her email:

 

I always appreciate the kind things you do for me. I do owe so much to you for my growth of becoming a strong, smart and secure woman.

I don't want you to ever feel this core strength is ever a means to betray or turn against you. I have always used my strengths for good and lend support

to you.

 

Thank you for your patience. I know that it has been difficult for you and you have been exceptional.

 

I do love the affection you have given to me. Thank you. I would never feel this is an act of weakness, but more so a genuine affection for someone

you love.

 

I will try more to be kind, loving and understanding.

 

I love you

[rebelfac]

Three things during those two weeks occurred that were beyond my control. One was that my daughter was getting picked on by hispanic girls at school. ( we moved to a good school district but a bad school within it) He told my wife that his school district was good. We were both looking for jobs and it was slim pickens during that month. It just seemed that everything lined up against me/us and she made a decision to go with him and that after moving in they got close and it became the point of no return. It's just amazing how different the course of our life became from just a small window of time and unfortunate circumstances. It perhaps tells me that this is my new destiny and is meant to be much like how me met.

[babymax]

rebelfac,

 

I agree with My Advice.

 

My father was just like you. At first he thought my mother and the other man were just friends. He never suspected. Cheaters don't tell you everything. They don't want be bad guys. My mother wanted a divorce because she wanted to live independently. That's what she told us. (She really meant.. I want a divorce so I can marry my boyfriend.)

 

I don't know your wife but please don't believe everything she says. From her e-mail..

She wrote "You're a great man and a great father." Then why didn't she try to fix the marriage? She moved on a long time ago. I think you should, too. Please don't wait for her. You deserve better.

[rebelfac]

Thank you so much babymax for taking the time to sign up and write your thoughts. I know I need to move on and am ready to do just that now. I guess I just wanted to know she still cares and that 14 years weren't so easily erased. It was hard to see how quickly i got replaced and that she so quickly had an instant new family. I think her consciense is coming back but why not be friends with her once I am over her. This just seems like a spell and isn't her true character. Like I said in 4 years i never caught her look at another guy or lie to me. Trust me she was a very good wife and made me very happy along with her being a great mother. This explains why i don't hate her. ( I otherwise would) She did marry young and never had a long term relationship. She has a reason to resent me not being affectionate. I don't know why i wasn't showing her the love she deserved. He is filling that void and it's a powerful feeling for her. I am taking everyone's advice though and will move on and will no longer wait for her.

[springmud2008]

I was in your shoes. My wife of 12yrs did the same thing for the same reasons. She was met one of the guys she is dating before she told me it was over. I kept dewlling on how could she just be so happy while I was hurting. You won't get that answer cause it's just not there. She stopped loving you long before it was over. Her pain ended when the marriage did. You never got to see the hurt and pain she went through if she was like my ex and hid it from you. I know this doesn't help but it might give you some kind of answer.

 

Every wife has a tolerance. After lots of communication, things don't work out. They tend to give up the relationship. Easy said than done. Hurt and pain went away when marriage end.

[springmud2008]

Don't hate her. During the last 12 years, she must have tried very hard to work with you. Maybe you were too happy with the relationship and ignored her needs constantly.

[springmud2008]

The reason she said these is that she didn't want to make you feel too bad. She did appreciate all your years together and she meant it. As for love, maybe this is not the love she wanted anymore. She wants to find her happiness. Love and life to women are two different things. We would like to have both love+life.

[rebelfac]

Thanks for the feedback Spring,

 

I just wish she communicated her unmet needs better as we both didn't have much experience to learn from in relationships. I do understand that her needs weren't being met and that she spent far too much effort to please me. That wasn't fair and I have since learned everything I did wrong. I can't blame her for looking elsewhere for love and affection now that I know how important it is. She still craves my feedback and I like giving it to her. I just don't want to be blind sided if she decides on her terms to throw our friendship away. I will be a much better partner for someone else because I forced myself to learn from my mistakes. Although we can have fun together I know she doesn't want to lead me on. She really is a special person and I am proud to see my daughter topping her. My daughter has the best of our traits and it is so cool to see. ( her charm and sense of humor, my competitive spirit and individual leadership quality) It's all about my daughter now. Do I wish that one day I will get another chance? Yes but it would have to be her desire which looks very remote at this moment in time.

[Hosedbywife]

Reb-

 

I read your thread about 3 times in the past 2 days! My story is almost a carbon copy. My wife of 8 years started an emotional affair via email, text & telephone calls to a close friend of her brother. In the span of 2 1/2 weeks my marriage was over. In my case though, I was able to sense the other person on the scene before she threw me under the bus. I watched all of this unfold in a lot of pain as she detailed out for him what was wrong in our marriage, things that she had never voiced out loud to me, not even in marriage counseling earlier in the year. This was a total blindside for me. I was aware of this within 4 days of it starting with this guy and I just watched. I wanted to see how far she would take it. After two weeks, she finally told me that she wanted out of the marriage. The reasons were the usual stuff that we all hear on this site. Of course I reacted by telling her how much I love her and that I wanted to keep it all together and that did not help me one bit. The truth was she fell for someone else! and then lied about it. About a week later I told her what I knew what real the truth was. At that started her on a mission to destroy me, to discredit the entire marriage by saying it was all a mistake and on & on. She just had to justify her pitiful behaviour at the end of the marriage. I then became her emotional crutch while she had a nice time with the OP. Do yourself a big favor, listen to what everyone has written here. Go NC or at the most LC (because you have a daughter).

 

Do not waste time talking to her about her life, problems, anything. It is a waste of your time. Just keep it to your child! I have been in this mess for about 15 months. I find that she really responds when she thinks that I have fallen off the map so to speak. Indifference towards her is the only way. Keep a low profile, take care of yourself! Let her go & enjoy life with the OP. Stay away & do not become her emotional crutch like I did. I have since done this and I can tell you will I feel a lot better. I have always wanted my wife back again, but the fact is that she is done with me and she became someone else a while back. If I am ever to have a chance to be with her again, I know it has to originate with her wanting me back and that will never happen if I am hanging around trying to be her friend. With all of the stories I read on here I am starting to think it must be in the water they drink. Here is a good book to read- you can find it on the internet- "Women's Infidelity" this book nails it perfectly! Good Luck!