Getting Back With My Ex - Can Anyone Please Help/Advice ?

[gary79]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new to the Forum so nice to meet you all.

 

I am seriously confused and messed up at the moment and was wondering if anyone could offer any advice, information, comments or help towards my situation.

 

It's gonna be a long thread so thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance for reading. I hope you can offer some advice.

 

Both my Ex and I are 24 and we had been together for 6.5 years. She was my first real Girlfriend and we were each others first lovers.

 

We had been living together in our own home for 4.5 years. In October she told me that things weren't right between us and they hadn't been for ages and that she wanted to leave. She said she loves me but we're just not like we should be. She said she wanted to just be on her own, learn to drive, go away maybe for a couple of months. It was absolutely devastating and we found it really hard. She moved out and went back to her parents the next day I got back home to an empty house but within an hour she was on the phone crying to me. She just couldn't talk, she was incredibly upset. A couple of days later we met up and talked. I blamed myself for everything. Our relationship has been sour for a long time, I know that and I believed it was because of me. I use to analyse things. It started with her past and was mainly this. The first 18 months together I use to think about things and question her all the time. It's wasn't anything other than I wanted to know everything about her, everything she had experienced (and there were a couple of bad experiences). It was only because I loved her and cared for her, it wasn't jealously. Anyway, I have always done the analysing but since we lived together (4.5 years) it hasn't been that extreme although like I said, I blamed myself and said to her it caused me to not be as loving towards her as I should. We decided to give it another go.

We had a holiday to Portugal with her family booked for 3 weeks later. It seemed risky but we went. All over the holiday there was nothing between us. I was nicer to her than I ever have been, I done everything for her and was the perfect companion but I could sense from day one it wasn't right. We barely kissed each other the whole 2 weeks. I must have just blanked it out but when we got back I could sense something was right as she didn't phone me much and didn't seem interested in me coming round (she was still living at her parents). It all came to a head and to cut a long story short she told me that she didn't have the right feelings for me. We split up again and I went thought a world of hurt for the second time.

 

We were apart for around 4 weeks but all through that time we had contact. She would phone me for silly things like reminding me I had a dentist’s appointment, etc. We saw each other in the village because we lived close, etc. There was a lot of contact. We ended getting back together. She said she wanted to give it another go and I did to. I have always loved her more than life itself and never ever wanted to split up.

 

We got back together and she moved back in. She told me she loved me more than ever and the we would be together forever. We started talking about having children and before we had even discussed it she was pregnant. I was over the moon. I was concerned about how how quickly it had happened but wanted to be a father. Unfortunately she had a very early miscarriage and lost the baby. We were both upset but tried to move on. Things seemed fine for a few weeks but about a week after Christmas I sensed she wasn't herself. After we had got back together we had a great love life and were texting and calling each other all the time. Suddenly she stopped telling me she loved me. Didn't instigate any texts, nothing. I didn't bring it out into the open as I blamed my analysing again although I was barely doing it.

 

It god bad an I asked her one day if she had any regrets about us getting back together, She said she didn't want to talk about it. The same night we went out for a lovely meal with my parents. She was kissing me, holding my hand, etc, it was great. I thought 'It's going to be ok, we're going to get through this'. The next day I came home to a letter with all her stuff gone. I was devastated. The main part of the letter was 'If you love someone let them go. I do love you but not as a partner anymore, more like a friend. It has been hard because you have been the perfect partner, etc'.

 

5 weeks passed. (Were getting there - trust me!!) and she phoned me last Saturday at 2.30am, crying on the phone. I said what's happened? I was really worried that something bad had happened. She said she had seen me in my car that night and she has so much going on in her head at the moment. I said we would talk in the morning. I didn't sleep a wink as expected. We talked the next day and basically she said she missed me so much and had done for 2 weeks. We started texting each other lots. She told me she has made a huge mistake and it has taken everything that's happened to realise what she's got and that she loves me loads and would love nothing more than to get back together. I asked all the usual questions like why did you leave me 3 times? etc.

She said it was because we had no sexual chemistry and had become like friends. This was very true. Another major factor was that we never talked about stuff. I never wanted to bring anything out in to the open because I always felt I was the sole blame for our problems and that if I could sort out my analysing, it would sort out everything and we would be fine. I even had planned to propose to her in Portugal.

 

As soon as she phoned last Saturday I was thinking about getting back together. I knew I wanted to the moment I thought she did. I always have.

We saw each other last Thursday. She made my heart melt but I knew I couldn't get emotionally attached. I needed to try and understand everything that had happened and why she wanted to get back together. My main questions related to why she wanted to give it another go. How do I know it isn't because she has realised that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, that there a lot of bad blokes out there, that she wasn’t just getting back with me because I treated her so well, out of comfort, etc.

She said it wasn't any of these and that she just doesn't want anyone else, she wants me. She said she knows she could find someone else but didn't want to. One thing that bothered me was I said to her 'Why do you love me?’ All she could really say is 'I just do'. If she asked me I would be talking about such deep stuff, I wonder we she didn't?

Anyway, yesterday (Friday) I was thinking all day how much I want her back, how much I wanna try again. I knew we would have to have some serious change and take it slow but I really think it could work. I was so tempted to just text her and say lets try again when I got a text from her saying maybe I was right. Maybe she would be getting back with me for all the wrong reasons and that she wasn't sure and that wasn't a good thing. I just couldn't believe it. Surely she should have thought about all the things I asked her and been sure before she contacted me after 5 weeks?

I phoned her, we talked, we sent texts and basically the last time we spoke she was saying she needed to think about why she wanted to get back with me and was it for right reasons.

 

I know she feels terrible for how she's messed me around and I guess I should be angry and just wash my hands of her but I can't. I love her so much, more than life. I would die for her right now but I just can't understand everything that's happening. It's such a mess.

 

As an outsider, please tell me what you make of it. I would so appreciate anything that anyone can tell me. I expect there will be negative replies but I handle anything. Just be truthful and tell me what you think.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this huge message. One day when I get through all this I hope to be a regular and try and help other people myself.

 

All the best,

 

Gary.

[emma]

Hi,

 

I've read your post, you seem to love her very much, and I understand it's painful to be with somebidy who switches her/his mood all the time. I had this problem in my past relationship. I'm not going to give her excuses for acting like that, but I believe that you made the same mistake that I did: asking her 'why' she loves you. I finally understood after a long time that you don't love somebody because of this or that. You can't analyse love. Love is a feeling that cannot be explained like that. You might say that you like this and this in her, you might want her to tell her all the good things about you you believe you deserve to heat, but overall you can't explain why you love somebody. My own ex-boyfriend, there are so many reason why I 'shouldn't love him' as some of my friend explained to me, but despite all those bad things I did and all those bad features of his personality, I still love him (I doesn't mean that I would forgive him anything, I'm actually really mad at him right now, and I'm avoiding talking to him, but that's a different story). Anyway, my point is that the more you ask somebody 'why they love you', the more reasons you're giving them to think about why should they love you (which has no answer, but people think they come up with answers, at least for a while), and the more you chase them away. If you do want her back in her life, you have to answer some questions to yourself first: are you willing to take this uncertainty again (by the way, marriage does not solve anything in this case)? do you fell she loves you? do you feel that you're getting what you deserve? ...etc. Then you have to let her know what you're willing to take or not, but don't go through tortuous ways such as 'why do you love me'! Anybody who would ask me this would make me freak out, and for sure I would run away, because it's always much easier to find reasons to 'why shouldn't I be with this person'.

 

As you said, you are always analyzing things, situations, conversations...etc. It's time for you maybe to stop interpreting and overinterpreting things. She is lost, she is confused, she loves you but doesn't know if she should be with you...etc. Well, after thinking about what you want, if you still want to be with her, let her come to you, take it slow and don't chase her away with all those questions. It's good from you (and for you) that you ask her to think about what she wants herslef, what she really wants, but don't go into things like 'why do you love me'.

 

Hope this helps.

[RRISALEE]

Emma you are a jewel! I agree with Emma 200000000 percent! I know that you love her and you care so much because yall have been together for a very long time. As Emma said you have to ask yourself questions and to be honest I need to ask myself the same ones. My ex switches his mood between if he loves me or not and it is tearing me up inside. I know how you feel honey believe me I do. I know you want to get back with her because I want to get back with my ex. But you have to realize that she keeps leaving and coming back to you. She is confused, lost and really needs to grow up and figure out does she really love you or not. I know I know I know it is easier said than done and believe me I'm going through the exact same thing as you are. I want to call him so bad and ask 1,000 questions about us and does he love me and are we getting back together. But I know that will push him away because he decided that he wanted space too. Also I do over analyze things just like you but you know we can't do that because honey we have to protect our hearts. We have to live with our hearts every day of our lives. So you better put it first. Honey I am here for you if you ever need me as well as the others on enotalone.com please please please feel free to email me. ]

 

 

Here are some says that has help me through some of the rough and tough times............................

 

REMEMBER EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON........................

 

What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger...........................

 

When you fall in love you give away part of your soul, but you also gain part of some one elses, neither can ever be returned or lost......................................

 

DRAW LOVE IN A CIRCLE... NOT A HEART. HEARTS CAN BE BROKEN BUT CIRCLES LAST FOREVA........................................

 

IT'S NOT HOW HARD YOU FALL; IT'S HOW HIGH YOU BOUNCE

[gary79]

Hi Emma and Rrisalee,

 

Just wanna say thanks so much for replying to my message. I wasn't expecting any responses really and especially that quick!.

 

I understand what you mean about not being able to describe love. Maybe I'm just more emotional than my ex. If she asked me why I loved her I could probably talk until she told me to stop. I guess what I'm wondering here is does she love me as much as I love her?. If not, should I accept someone who doesn't love me like I love them?.

 

All my friends say I'm crazy for even considering to take her back this time. They said that the last time as well. They just don't understand the situation. I know she is lost and confused and I understand why. There was so much wrong with our relationship. We both have to take responsibilty but it wasn't really anyones fault, it's all a learning curve and like I said, we are each others first real loves. I know I would do anything to try and get it to work, I just cannot quit hence still being here fighting nearly 5 months since it all started.

 

Right now, I don't really know where I stand. The last time I spoke to her was in a text and she said said maybe I was right about her wanting to get back together for the wrong reasons. She said she needed to think about it as it was unfair to keep confusing me. I don't know if that means she's gonna contact me or if it's all over.

 

Earlier in the week she was texting me telling me how much she loved me and that she missed not being able to talk to me whenever she can and waiting for me to get home, etc. It looked really promosing. I can't believe me simply checking the reasons about why she wants to get back has freaked her out so much. Surely she must have thought about this before she decided to put me through this week of hell?.

 

Once again, thanks for your replies and if you are anyone else has any advice, please let me know.

 

Gary.

[dana211]

ok, i know exactly what you need to do. first of all, you and your girl both have issues with insecurity and self-esteem. i think, after all this time together, you are both terrified about what life would be like without the other person. and, regardless of how much you love each other, as long as you have that fear you can't have a good relationship. it is too much of a burden. resentment will always build.

 

you need to stop trying to figure out what your girl is thinking and feeling and start focusing on what YOU are thinking and feeling. you are so focused on the dynamic between you two that you have lost sight of yourself as an individual. and nothing is less attractive than a person without his own personality. you need to accept that she loves you. that's a given. but love alone does not make a great relationship. you must learn to turn your attention inwards and work on making sure that you have a full, complete life with or without her. she needs to do the same. as soon as you guys do that, she will come back and be happy to be with you. if you dont, there will always be problems. and your sex life will suffer. and DO NOT try and have a baby as a way to bind her to you. it will only make things worse. the only difference will be the presense of a third person whose life will also be made miserable.

[gary79]

Hi Dana,

 

Thanks very much for your advice, I thought about while walking my dog on the beach. You really got me thinking and I appreciate that so much.

 

Over the last 5 weeks I have been moving on really well. I have being going out with friends lots and really getting myself sorted. I know that I could live my life without my ex and was coping really well. I know that I would find someone else and move on. The problem is, now she wants me back that has changed everything, as although I know I could move on, I never wanted to, I have always only wanted her.

 

We talked about this and she said that she felt the same. She said she knows she could live her life without me and find someone else but she doesn't want anyone else, she only wants me.

 

The issues at the moment are what are her reasons for getting back with?. When we spoke the other day, I said how do you know you're not just wanting to get back out of comfort, because you miss the house, the animals, the way I treated you, all the things I done for you?, etc. This has got her thinking and she isn't 100% sure of her reasons why she wants to get back together now. She doesn't think it's because of any of the reasons I said but she doesn't know for sure.

 

I thought about what you said about I must learn to turn my attention inwards and work on making sure that I have a full, complete life with or without her. The thing is, I think that's easily said if for example you have split up with someone and maybe been apart for 2 - 3 months with no contact and naturally realised that you can live a life without each other, but that's not what you want. The problem is, I don't think you can do that when you know that your living this life to almost test yourself because in the back of your mind you will always be thinking 'I wonder if we will get back together?'. It’s different when you have split and are living your life thinking you will not get back together as appose to living thinking 'maybe we will'.

 

If we do get back together, I know there will be serious change. I have decided that I wouldn't want to rush back in to living with each other so would sell our house and I would probably move back to my parents like she has. We would basically start dating, just seeing each other 2 - 3 times per week and taking it really slow. It would be nice to have some money as well for a change as it has been a struggle managing our house financially over the past 4.5 years and we would make a lot of proffit selling our house.

 

I really appreciate yours and everyone else’s advice. It's great to get a neutral opinion and it's really helping me understand and work things out.

 

Let me know what you think Dana and if anyone else wants to post me his or her views, as before, I would be so great full.

 

Thanks again everyone,

 

Gary.

[emma]

Hi,

 

I've alreaday posted a reply to your original post, but I've been reading the next ones, along with the other replies to your message (by the way, I believe the other replies you got are of great value, dana makes a really good synthesis of what makes a relationship work: two balanced people who have high self-esteem, as I would say).

 

Once again, you have to take it easy and to take it slow, even though I know it's easier said than done. Believe me, I know what it produces when people rush into getting back together in such an 'in and out' relationship... 'In and out', that's what my relationship has been, breking up, getting back together because of our feelings being strong, but nothing deep has ever been solved. Now I wish I had taken more time, even when I got so happy the first time he reacted to my 'no contact' behavior and I just jumped into his arms again, and then after a couple of months the same problems came up, a new breaking up, a new 'getting back together' ...etc. Even though I stuck to my 'no contact' rule each time, as soon as he couldn't take it anymore and got back with me, I went for it, I said 'ok'. What did this tell him about me over the years? That he could get back with me whenever, that I was all his. Is this attractive? Believe me, it's not. Now I've taken some distance and I've thought 'what if he was acting like I do with me, would I desire being with him?'. The answer is no. No matter how much I love him. As Dana said, love is not enough for building up a healthy relationship, it's a necessary condition for a healthy long-lasting and fullfilling relationship, but it's not enough. For sure she loves you, otherwise she would not be confused like this. Of course you love her. But do you really want to get back with her right now when nothing is solved? 5 weeks apart is unfortunately nothing when sorting out things that happened over 6 years.

 

If you really want to get back with her (and once again you have to take time for asking this to yourself, time apart from her), the best thing you can do is to focus on yourself first, and she will have to do the same. Do you really want to take the risk to go through this whole same pain in some months when she will get confused again? You say if you get back together a lot of change will happen... you cannot force change unless you start those changes by yourself, changes in your own life. Don't be afraid of taking time, it's the best thing you can ever do. If you don't you're taking the big risk to go through the same painful things again. Also, if this can give you some motivation, do it for her too, it would be a veyr big proof of love in action, not in words (the song 'more than words' has helped me understand this, as silly as this might seem).

 

Remember: you don't want to be with somebody who does not want to be with you as much as you do. Eventually bitterness and anger will chase away the positive feelings between you two. If you're wondering why she wants to get back with you, obviously you know there're chances that it's not for the 'right' reasons, no matter what she tells you. Remember that she is extremely confused and lost. And remember not to idealize everything of your relationship: there is much in it, there are wonderful things in it I'm sure, but don't forget the painful moments. Aknowledging them help a lot in getting stronger in the relationship and in life.

 

The advise given by Dana are very good, following them is the best thing you can do... even though you might not see why they are so good right now, because you're in pain and the thing that you want more than anything else is to get back with her. The people who give those advise, including me, know what they are talking about, even though it took them a lot to apply them in the first place and to believe that it works. A main goal in life is to reach happiness, in order to reach happiness to have to get to know yourself, to go through a process of self-awareness, so as to be happy with your life and to be able to bring happiness in other people's life.

 

Hope this will help.

Emma.

[gary79]

Emma,

 

Thanks so much for reply. I have read it several times and what you said seems to make a lot of sense.

 

I have a lot to sort out in selling my house and decided where I'm going to live. I have a dog and 2 cats that would break my heart if I had to give away, so I think to myself maybe it would be a good idea to spend some time apart and just sort myself out?. However, I still think how can you try to move on when you know there is a good chance you will get back together?. I don't think I'd be able to do it. I'd always be wondering if we will get back together or not, would I really be able to do this?.

 

I will think long and hard about your reply. Like I said, a lot of what you said is so true and maybe this is what I need to do.

 

You've got me thinking constructively and that is a good think

 

Thanks again Emma, much appreciated.

 

Gary.

[emma]

Gary,

 

You don't have to give up on thinking that one day you might get back together. If you think that you will that's fine, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't take some distance and take some time. You're under a lot of pressure obviously right now, and what I was trying to explain is that if you don't want to be in this horrible situation again, you have to do everything to set solid foundations for your future relationship, whether it will be with her or another girl. And to do this you have to work on yourself and to let her do the same by staying apart from her for a while. You both seem to have issues with neediness towards each other, I mean emotional neediness (which I suffered from for long, I'm still in the process of getting rid of this neediness, and I screwed up badly in the recent past by believing to early that I was done with this process whereas I was not, and my close friends warned me about it. I don't want this to happen again, so I'm disciplining myself day after day, and believe me it's a struggle of every day).

 

You have to find something interesting to do every single day, you have to tell yourself when you wake up in the morning 'ok, today I'm going to spend half and hour thinking only about myself and enjoy my own time (I don't mean analyzing youself, this process of rebuilding your confidence ans self-esteem has to be unconscious to a certain extent)'. After few days, it will be one hour, and then two hours...etc when you will force yourself to only think about yourself, about doing what you like in your life, about spending time with your family and friend and being a good friend/relative by being really present in your loved ones' life (not your ex-girlfriend's life though for now) i.e. by focusing on the time you spend with them and not having your ex in mind and thus not being totally yourself.

 

It's a hard process to initiate, the beginning is extremely painful and requires a lot of efforts. But day after day it gets easier, and you feel stronger, happier, more in harmony with your true self. It's the same for your ex-girlfriend. She needs to find herself again by herself. You have to give her this opportunity by being apart from her for a while. She will love you evne more after some time, she will be very thanksful, but only after a while, because it will take her some time to realize that it is a true love gift from you.

 

Don't be afraid of doing this, of not being in contact for a while. She will not forget about you, she will miss you for much healthier reasons that have nothing to do with addiction, addiction to you, addiction to your love and caring. She will start appreciating it instead of being addicted to it. Same for you.

 

Always keep in mind this suffering you have been going through as a way to think about the fact that you don't want this to happen again. And it might happen again if you too get back together too fast. It might, believe me. For now you have to heal from this breaking up, it doesn't mean at all that you can't think that you'll get back together, but first you have to heal from this break-up, to heal from this relationship in order to prepare the foundations for a new start.

 

Hope this helps.

Emma.

[gary79]

Emma,

 

Thank you for your advice. I have been thinking about what you said since I read it but was undecided what to do.

 

We had text each other over the weekend and she asked if I wanted to go round there Sunday night. I did and we got on really well. Nothing emotional though as I wanted to keep my distance as I know she still isn't sure about her reasons for getting back. As I left she kissed me on the lips but I didn't really react. I wanted to, but I knew it wasn't the right thing.

 

We finished by me saying 'well, you just keep thinking about what you want'.

 

I received the following text from her today: -

 

Hi, sorry for messing you around but I think we would be making a mistake if we both got back together. We both can't go through all that again and I don't think it would work. I'm sorry but I need time to be on my own and sort out my head cus I'm really messed up at the moment. We'll sell the house and hopefully keep in touch and stay friends...I think you know it's the right thing to do.

 

I couldn't just leave it like this so phoned her at work and briefly talked about the option of having time apart like you said, and that 5 weeks for 6.5 years isn't enough, etc. We couldn't speak for long because of work so I then sent her this text. : -

 

 

Hi, don't feel bad about messing me about. We've been together for 6.5 years. I'm not just going to drop you because you're having a really tough time. Think about this, I know we both love each other but I also know that you need time alone to sort yourself out, that's why I didn't get close to you on the times we saw each other. What about having as much time apart as required, no timescale for you to do this. We don't need to start seeing other people, it wouldn't be a good idea, especially for you being so confused. If you want to give it another go in a few months, I will be here. If you decide you don't, I understand and will have no regrets or hard feelings towards you. I understand the pain you are going through. You need time alone to be yourself, everything else will sort itself out. Let me know what you think.

 

I know people will think it was a mistake to basically say I'll be here to take her back whenever she wants but this is how I feel and I wanted her to know that there isn't any pressure. Like I said, I don't want to chuck away 6.5 years because she's having a really hard time and is lost and confused.

 

One thing we spoke about on the phone that concerned me was she said we couldn’t stop seeing other people because it's not fair on us or the other people? Who knows what might happen? I don't really get that? I don't need or really think I want another girlfriend for the foreseeable future. Why is she almost saying we have to move on and basically see what happens? Why can't she just sort herself out over the next few months, surely it wouldn't be a good idea to start dating because personally, I would find it almost impossible to take her back knowing she had been with other guys?

 

She has just sent me a reply saying: -

 

I don't really know what I’m thinking at the moment. I can't say what's going to happen over the next few months but you know the situation... Sorry for everything...

 

Where the hell do I go from here? Do I take it it's over and try and move on. Do I move on but have nothing to do with other women incase she comes back? How do I know she wont meet other men, especially when she's so messed up and confused over everything.

 

Please anyone give me some advice.

 

Thanks so much for reading and I hope all you guys in particular Emma sorts themselves out and everything works out for you the way you want it to.

 

All the best,

 

Gary.

[Out to sea]

Hello Gary, I'm really sorry for your situation, I know what it's like in this situation and I must say that I did pretty much exactly what you did, I told my ex I'd wait for, no pressure, I wasn't going to be with any one etc etc, and I must admit that I couldn't have done things any worse.

I know you'll hate to hear this but I'm afraid from your last post it looks like you are going to have to bite the bullet here.

She knows you love her, she knows now you'll wait for her, she knows that if she get's lonely or what ever that you'll be there waiting, she doesn't even have to worry about you finding anyone else cause you're a monk now!!!!

You have made it all so much easier for her now not to come back in any realistic time span and who is going to go thru hell while this is dragged out? yes you!!!!!!!

I'm afraid you are going to have to give up the ghost now, and start living your life as if she is lost forever, I'm not saying that that is what will happen but if you don't start thinking about life as it would be without her then you are in for a really really rough time.

She holds all the cards and you need some of them back.

My ex said to me she needed time etc to sort her head out and I did get a statement like you did regarding the seeing other people stuff, she proceeded to see plenty of fella's but after about six month's on the other side of life she came crawling back, the exact same night as she saw me out with my new girlfriend!!!!!!!

I guarentee you if you get on with your life without her, and in time start seeing other people as she most likely will do, nothing will sort her head out faster, she needs to feel like she can't walk all over you, that you have moved on, that there are other woman out there that you could be happy with. She needs to feel that she is at seroius risk of loosing you for ever. You never miss something as much as when you CAN'T have it.

Believe me I understand your feelings when you said you would wait, but you can't do this. I know it's hard but it is the best way. As they say let them go and if they come back!!!!!

I really hope you can understand why I'm saying these things and if you would like any more help you can post any time.

Best of luck!

[Stingseed]

Hello Guys

 

I am heart broken. I need advice with ex-girlfriiend the no-contact of sort and stuff

 

This is what happen. I meet her year and half ago. We fell deeply in love well the usual as you guys may know. At the end of January she comes out saying that she has done something horrible and that i am going to hate for it. (Don't get her wrong she loves me very much). Well anyways she came out saying that she cheated on me with some guy she knew for some monhs. Well the usual happen she said she was sorry, and that she still loved me. The thing is that she fell so deeply in love with me that she never had the chance to meet other people thereforeeee was one of the reasons for getting close to this guy. The other reason is that she said I was to jealous and not financially stable. Which I agree. I know that I must show her that these faults are corrected so that she can remember the guy she fell in love with and remember the good times we had. but the thing is this other guy she is seeing is getting in the way ( ohh what to do what to do?).

 

Don't get me wrong even though she is seeing this guy to this day she still calls me reason being she need to talk to me. Somtimes she just calls my office is as if she is afraid I will not answer the cell. I guess cause I tried to play the no-contact thing but at the most I last is about 2 or 3 days me being the one to returns her calls( the dreaded call back it is). I asked if she wnas to lose me for good. her reply was no never that I am not going to lose her. I asked her if the reason she is still telling she loves me and wants me in any way a soft way of telling me she does not want to see me no more? she says no. I am saying it cuae i mean it. I asked her Are you having a difficult time in finding the words to let me go for good and thereforeeee the reason you keep calling me? she said no. I call cause I wanna talk to you. These are some questions I have asked her there are 2 ro 3 more which I will post later. The thing is that she calls me, work and cell and when we do talk we still some of the nice little cute conversations we always have had and I do still make her laugh and whatnot. but her is the twister. I have asked her to go out and she always says maybe and never does. I tell her if she loves me, calls me, tells me she don't wanna lose me, then way can't we go out to dinner or concerts. her response is she is not ready yet, and apologizes for putting me through all of this. She is still very open with me even telling me she was afraid she might be pregant with his baby which it turns out she is not(thank god)at one point she told me she is not to serious with the guy she is seeing and that he is not serious with her cause they have only have been seeing each other for 3 months 2 months of it being behind my back. but that she still needs to see other people which drives me crazy, but I don't show here that emotion I just try to talk about it and tell her that I love her and ask why is she adding this confusing to herself and to comeback to me. I know I must be nagging her to death with all the questions I have asked her, but the reason I do it is to make sure she still loves me, does not want to lose me and most important is to make sure she is not being nice to me just to not hurt my feeling anymore. 2 weeks ago I convinced her not to go another date, and went on further I said that we should seriously try to work things out, and that I am the only man she needs. guess what she said? that i am right and that we should try, but 2 days later she changed her mind saying that even though she is seeing someone that there is another person that she wants to date thereforeeee saying she need to see other people not to mention that. This has been going for 4 weeks now everytime I seem to get close it seems I am getting further (what am I doing wrong?).

 

Well guys I do want to get back with her very badly I am deeply in love with her but I have made some mistakes in doing so. Can you help me? She is with someone but not in love, she feels she need to date but she still calls me, does tthe no-contact rule apply here? please reply......

[Out to sea]

Hello, God what's going on today HUH?

I'm afraid you gotta get away from her right now mate, she is treating you like muck!!!! You are going to get so much more hurt here if you do not start no contact right now and try and get your self respect and heart back.

I know that you love her and you want her back, she knows this and what is she doing?? Treating you like dirt. I'm not saying that she is a bad person or anything but it looks from this perspective that she is wholly confused and as a result is treating you horribly, calling you to tell you she is worried that some other guy might have her pregnant, when she knows how painful that is for you to talk about stuff like that, what is she like???

Man you should run from her for at least two or three month's, don't have any contact at all if possible, then maybe you might be in a position to have an honest look at this girl and ask yourself if she is worthy of any bit of your love!!!!! I bet you'll think you're well rid!

I sorry for this fairly rough reply but man I feel for your situation, and it reminds me of how blinding love really can be.

[Stingseed]

Thank You Francis for the reply.

 

but the reason she tells me this is cause she trusted me and she could not tell no one else. Afraid that her mom and aunt would get so mad at her. Even after she did not want to talk about it no more and is sorry she is placing me trough all this. So I look at it as she still has that trust in me to talk about all things. maybe I am wrong but it just seems that way. Check this out. 2 days ago I told her that I might have to move to texas for a 3 months she was sad to hear this and started to tear up which let me know something that she will miss meOne more thing Francis. In reference to the no-contact rule. I know she will call me again. Should I answer now that she is willing to try to get back to together? but I am not so sure how hard she will try. by the way guys one main reason she changed her mind and did not want to get back the first time I asked was cause she taught she was pregant.

[Stingseed]

I don't think I will ever say I am glad to get rid of her. The only way I will let her go is if she tells me she does not love me anymore and to leave her alone then and only then. Which I have asked her many times if she is sure she still loves me and wants me around just to make sure to the point where I annoy her with the question. Try to understand she is not a gold digga or asks me for favors she just misses me and thats way she calls and that she is so mad at herself she cheated on me. I agree she is utturly confused wanting to see other people but then saying she is willing to try to get back with me. And sense you say no-contact rule applies then knowing she will try to contact me how long should I keep up the no-contact..?

[Out to sea]

I do hear what you are saying about the fact that she can't trust anyone else, but the fact is she was talking to the man who really loves her about the fact that she is having sex with another man is may be pregnant. I will miss you when you are in no contact, she will be lost without you as she has expressed but that is not a good enough reason to stay around. She obviously has a lot to sort out in her head about what and who she wants but if you stay in contact with her while she does this,it will take alot longer to achieve and will cause you untold heart ache, believe me, if you do care for her, let her know that but you must, for your own sanity get away from her, heal the hurt that you MUST be feeling and take it from there. It took my Ex 6 month's from when we broke up, that's eight month's after she got 'confused', before she finally realised it was me she wanted. Now if I had stayed around it probably have never happened, and by the way I loved her very much for month's after the break up, but when she did come back, I told her to go scratch!!!!

You are not going to do anyone any good in hanging around, maybe her a little bit, but i thing she needs to experience this no contact tooso as to really know what's going on.

[Stingseed]

does no-contact work only for people who don't have your ex- calling you back or what?

[Stingseed]

francis

 

i am on my third day now of no contact if she keeps calling what do i do? will the no contact still apply?

 

the last time we talked i asked her that we should try to get back together which she said yes lets try. but has made no such attempts yet I know the road to togetherness is long and harder sense she is seeing someone else. but you are right I should not return her calls so she can know whats going on and remember more of her love for me. and the things i go through for her. please reply

[spatzcolumbo]

Stingseed,

 

Right firtsly, try to stop posting the same messages in multiple places - it will make it a lot easier for you and everyone else if everything is in one place!!

 

Now, there are numerous no contact posts on the board - have a search through and do some background readin - guess you probably have already. take some time, and really read it all because it will help.

 

Now, at the moment i think you should be working on no contact. This means that you do not contact her. you will try your hardest to come up with reasons why you HAVE to contact her, but ignore them. i think someone else posted here about how people ALWAYS try to find ways to make their situation unique so that no contact does not apply. It DOES apply. If SHE wants you back then she will come back in her own time. You can not force her to come back. you can force her further away.

 

Look at it this way...if you have a cat, and it is sitting in the garden and you run towards it, it usually runs away. If you just sit there nearby but don't do anything, it will slowly but surely creep up to you.

 

If she persistently calls you, then you should either answer, or call her back if you miss the call. If you DO speak to her, try not to get too heavy. if it is obvious she wants to talk about the relationship, then let her lead the conversation. Don't ask her anything that will push her away more.

 

Remember, she knows taht you want her back - thereforeeee let her lead. Let her be the one to bring it up, let her be the one to say where she syands - don't tell her where she stands.

 

Hope this helps

[Out to sea]

AM i pretty much agree with Spatz, except for one thing, I think that you really need to stop completely all contact of any kind for at least a month, simply because she seems so so mixed up, i think you will not be strong enough at this point to be able to handle answering her calls cause she has such a hold on you and it appears that she will only wreck your head even more.

For whats it worth, this is what I think you need to do...

Sit down and write a non-emotional letter to her. In this letter you need to explain what it is you are about to do, tell her you care about her, but that because of her horrid actions of late( and believe me they have been horrid, by any standards) that you feel that she has no respect for you, and that if she doesn't then you definitely do.

 

Tell her you are not so sad as to be treated like that and for the moment you cannot be there for her because you have to heal yourself first.

Try and not get into too much detail so as to make her think about everything she has done to you. Be firm in the letter, do not ask any questions as this will just make her defend her actions, do not tell her you love her( she knows dam well you do), And be very firm about the fact that you have to get away to sort you head out and take care of your needs. I know you feel that your situation is so unique, but it isn't really, it really isn't believe me!!!!!

 

I think in a relationship, you have two people who love each other, who have TOTAL RESPECT for each other, and who fill each others emotional needs and wants. Now you must ask yourself, firstly do you meet your end of the relationship? I bet you pretty much do all things considered. Now honestly ask yourself is she fulfilling her end of the agreement?

Well that doesn't even deserve an answer.

Just because you love her is not in any way a valid reason to be there, she is totally letting her side of the bargain down, so she has no right to expect you to be there anymore for her. She doesn't deserve it!!!!!!!!!

I think you should write this letter so she knows why this 'no contact' is happening, then start no contact and Stringseed, you have to be prepared to stick with it no matter what she does or says and no mater how bad you feel. I promise you in a few month's you'll understand why it has to be done.

Get back to us and we'll be here to help you along the way but for your own emotional well being you need to do this for yourself, cause if you don't have love and respect for yourself, no one else will.

BEst of luck buddy.

[Stingseed]

Thank guys..

 

I just worry about a couple things. This post will be short for I am in my office. I have been chasing for 5 weeks now asking stupid questions and answering her phone calls and always talking about our relationship. Is it to late to start the no-contact? Like you guys say if she loves me then she will come back to me like the cat (slowly). Which I am sure she will attempt to cause that is the last thing we talked about, which she agreed she is going to try. Good advice about the letter. but should I wait a bit before sending it or make it right away, and mail it to her.?

 

Guys I know she loves me and is very confused but I must be strong help me out guys for I am on my third day of no-contact and she has not called either. which is a first for her she has always called.

[spatzcolumbo]

I've read a few posts where it says that the amount of time between splitting up and starting no contact IS important, but i dont think it is too serious. I went for about 4-5 weeks of this and that before starting no contact for real. Just go for it. Stop making excuses to call her or hear her voice, or contact her. As it stands at the moment, you are BROKEN UP. I know this sounds harsh, but in the cold light of day that is the truth. you are no longer a couple. you are just two people who were once together. You are two people who *could* be together again, if you play your cards right. Finding excuses to contact her at this stage is playing your cards WRONG!!!

 

Sit back, take a breath, and stop all contact. Only then will you start to get onto a road whereby you have the chance to get her back.

[Stingseed]

what do you thinkabout sending a letter as francis posted?

 

I think it is a good idea. Very hard for me not to pick up her calls, but like i posted she has not called in 3 day now which is weird..maybe it is cause I bugged her so much? or maybe cause she is really thinking about what we last talked about which was trying to get back together. or perhaps asking her back has pushed her away for a while?

 

Please reply

[emma]

Francis and Spartzcolumbo (sorry if this is the wrong spelling, I don't have your nickname in front of me right now both gave you the best and most friendly advise ever. They are both sooooo right, and willing to help you by being a bit harsh but at the same time so realistic. Trust them, they are out there to help you.

 

I will just emphasize some important points to my mind:

1/ even though she loves you, she is (maybe unconsciously) playing a terrible mind-game with you. As long as you will play her game, she will play it it, and, believe me, you're the one who is going to suffer so much in this situation.

2/ if you want to have a single real chance to get back together, you have to apply strictly the no contact rule. As long as you will tell her that you will always be there, and that she should get back with you, and that you will wait for her, she will never take it seriously. You have to understand that she is not in such an uncomfortacle situation, na matter what she says, she can go around, sleep with another guy, and know that whenever she needs some true support, to feel important, to talk about personal things, she can just call you and you're all hers. Isn't this an abusive way to relate to somebody she supposedly loves? She has a total grip on you, she cannot have 100% respect for you, which is the aboslute basis for a love relationship. Do you really want to prolongate this situation? If not, well, you have to stick to the no contact rule, no matter what. Once again, your situation is not unique, even if it hurts because we all believe at some point that our relationship is soooo unique. It's not the case. As Francis told you, you might not understand now why it is important to have absolutely no contact, but you will in some time... It is harsh, it is really painful, but we can all do it. If she keeps calling you, well, sending her a short letter stating that you don't want to be in touch for now with her is not a bad idea (no 'I love you', no 'I miss you'.... nothing emotional).

 

Believe me or not, if you keep acting the way you are acting now, if you keep being there whenever she wants/needs, you will never never never get her back.... maybe for a couple of days, of weeks, and then the same old story and pain will start again. The people who are giving you advise on this forum, like Spartzcolumbo or Francis know what they are talking about, and because they care and want to help you out, to help you feel better and maybe get back with her eventually, they will not give you some kind of silly sympathy and encourage you yo keep doing everything that harm your chances to get her back.

 

One last thing: loving her doens't mean that you have to accept everything she does, being angry doesn't mean that you don't love her. Indeed, being angry and not accepting her disrespectful behavior towards you and letting her know is a big love present you can make to her... i.e. helping her realize how she is wrong in what she is doing.

 

Hope this helps (and please keep posting in the same place, it creates a certain mess for people who want to help you and for other people who are posting on their own story... Thanks

Emma.

[Stingseed]

yeah emma learned my lesson I will post here about my problems. thanks

 

well she has not contacted me either in 4 days. what might that mean? she has not done that before. One more thing when will I know that she is ready to come back? besides the fact that she drops this guy she is with