Didn't really cheat but..

[thomas more]

OK, so you may recall I posted a question here about a woman that my wife permitted me to have an evening of sex with, and that we are swingers. Then, the woman, whom we have known for some time went back home some distance away and I was cut off from talking to her when she took up with a neighbor. Long story short, the guy ended up as being a registered offender and we had to tell her. As of late, she's toned down the relationship with him, yada, yada, yada.

 

Here's the thing. I need to get over this woman, fast. I need to let go of the fantasy I had of being her 'boyfriend' or 'guy pal' or what have you. That needs to get out of my head - fast. This just all feels like cheating and I think endangers my relationship with my wife, who has been knowing of all that has gone on. I think she's had her fill.

 

How do I flush this out of my head? How does one let go of a fantasy and the person that goes with it? How do I "Get over her?"

 

She may return for another visit, I'm not even on the idea of what that will be like or what will happen. She has to make a decision of her own as well. So, lets not go there.

 

Before folks launch into the whole anti-swinging thing, normally this would not be the case. It's always been with people we didn't know, and that we didn't think we would know for years after. Casual and perhaps carass, but, well that's how that went.

 

I'm putting the focus on me. Ideas?

[dreamwarrior]

I don't understand anything about swinging...but my question is why get married? Better of staying single and just date people if you like variety....does your wife get to sleep with guys too?

[Oserr]

If you were able to marry your wife that means that you cared enough about her to form an important bond. Normally this would appear to me as being a rather dysfunctional relationship with your wife. But if you have achieved a comfort zone with her in which you take sex off of it's sacred pedestal (which society has placed it on) and you both feel comfortable with having sex with others outside of your relationship and still are able to maintain honesty within your relationship that is incredible.

 

It seems though that the honesty factor is slipping a bit. You must decide what you want to do with the situation at hand.

 

First you must ask yourself:

Do you LOVE your wife?

Do you LOVE this other woman? Or is it pure sexual LUST.

 

LUST often disguises itself as LOVE. It is sometimes very difficult to tell the difference.

 

You must truly think about what you would be willing to do for each person. Who would you care for most? Who would you want beside you in your time of need?

 

It sounds like your feelings towards this woman are based off of lustful feelings rather than those of love (though obviously I cannot say that accurately - I am merely reading an online post). If I were you I would turn the other woman away and say that you don't wish to have that sort of relationship with her anymore - or that you don't want to bring the relationship any further.

 

Try your best not to hurt the people you care about.

 

In a love-based relationship you must support each other.

[Rabican]

out of sight out of mind.

 

Dont call her, dont visit her, dont talk to her, dont talk about her... eventually (hopefully sooner than later) you will forget about her.

[thomas more]

Right on point, it really is lust. She did a few things sexually that the wife does not want and that mixed things up a bit.

 

When it comes down to it, the person who I see myself with in 5 year is my wife. The person I would step out in traffic to save her is my wife.. You get the idea.

 

Thats why I'm looking for how.. I think the last person to write has some of the right ideas.