girljustlost Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 My current boyfriend is 10 years older than me and for the first year of our relationship it was wonderful, I couldn't love anyone more. However now, there is still love, but not sure where it will go. He had gotten laid off a little over 6 months into our relationship, which didn't bother me much at all. I was happy that he could now focus on something that he really wants to do, I was all for supporting him emotionally in whatever he wants to do. It's been 10 months now since and he still hasn't found a job yet. I know that the economy is horrible these days but I feel like he doesn't make much of an effort to really "go get" what he wants. He wanted a small break, that was fine, but it's closing in on 1 year and I'm getting worried. He has tried looking for jobs but I wouldn't say he's put all his effort into it. I feel like I have been very patient with all of this, but i have to admit I'm starting to stress out about all of it. He doesn't use my money or mooch off of me in any way, so I know that is a good thing. He is also studying for a certification, but he has put it off for so long, I had to nag him to get on it now. I guess what I'm trying to ask is what would you do in this situation? I don't want to leave him, but I do feel like this is causing a lot of stress in our relationship. Money isn't the issue here, it's more of a man keeping his words and working with me. As of right now I don't feel it. He is 10 years older than me, I guess I just wish he had his act more together. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I be more patient, even though it's almost been a year? What can I do to help his frustration? I don't want our relationship to be ruined over this...anyone, please help with your thoughts, thank you! Link to comment
top bloke Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 It doesnt sound likes hes that motivated to pull his weight in your home. If you can honestly say that he hasnt tried consistently then tell him what you think. He has a right to know. Link to comment
berrypatch Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Do you live together? How old are you? Whether or not you do co-habitate, it can cause resentment if you are getting up and going to work every day and you are tired, then you see him just chilling day after day. If you are both young, it might be a matter of him finding a job that meets his qualifications, or it could be that he lacks motivation. That would be a turn off in a potential life partner. As humans, women are programmed by evolution to be attracted to somebody who can provide, so what you are feeling is coming from a very deep place inside. If you are both older and he has cash stashed for retirement, he may be planning on just picking up some work here and there that suits him. Just be sure you do not facilitate a moocher by buying the groceries, picking up the tab, etc when he is hanging out at home watching Judge Judy!! I have seen relationships destroyed by different levels of motivation in the career department, because resentment builds. If you communicate though, that doesn't have to happen. Whoever is not working should be doing the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping etc. Link to comment
COtuner Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 My guy and I broke up last summer in large part due to his going almost 2 years without work (he was supporting himself). He seemed super picky over what he would or wouldn't do, criticized every possible opportunity, thought about training and decided he was "too old for that sh*t", and finally settled for a $25k paycut and a contracting job that could end in a few months. He's 13 years older than me. It's not a good situation, and I'm not pleased that it does not look like a "temporary" solution as he said. He thinks it's long term, I don't. Meanwhile I'm super career driven and have a lot of personal goals as well, which he has no interest in participating in from what I can see. Little fights keep surfacing, I don't know how much longer this will last (closing in on 5 years now). I think you guys need to talk about this or it might cause festering long term problems. It gets very old after a while if you feel you aren't in synch with your goals. Link to comment
Night Pumpkin Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Well, the fact that someone has lost thier job and can't find a new one isn't a reason to dump them, regardless of thier age (older people, younger people, all sorts of people lose jobs, and have problems re-entering the labor market). But one has to put a reasonable effort to find a new job. For me, I recently lost my job, and am applying to twenty new places a day. My thoughts are this: I heard that statistically, for every 200 resumes an employer receives, they will hire one person. So if I hand out twenty new resumes per day, 200 a week.....I should be re-hired within a couple of weeks or so.... You promise to love someone for better or for worse...but tell him he needs to get off his bum and start doing some job hunting. Link to comment
girljustlost Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 He is 37 & I am 27. We don't leave together and one good thing is that he doesn't mooch off of me. He uses his own money and even though I don't agree he prefers to pay for most stuff when we go out. I think what is bothering me the most is lack of effort. I want to bring this up to him, but he gets very defensive when I do. It's like he feels as though I'm insulting him and I guess his pride. What do you think would be the best way to go about talking about this but not offending him? When he feels like he is being backed into a corner, he runs toward the "B" word = Break-Up....it's like his "I don't want to deal" method. Thanks for you reply's & advice, greatly appreciated. Link to comment
berrypatch Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Well, if he is financially secure, he may feel that in the current economic and unemployment crises, he can just wait until one of the jobs that he prefers comes available. Let him pay when you do stuff. And do the same things you always did. Don't conserve for his sake. If you always went to shows or to nice dinners, keep it up. Eventually he will feel the pinch, and get on the job trail. If not, maybe he is so wealthy that he doesn't have to work...lucky for him, huh? If that is the case you will have to decide if you can live with that...him goofing off and you working hard!! Link to comment
berrypatch Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 And I forgot to add, I wouldn't bring it up. Just do what I said above and see what happens. If you can't do that and you are turned off by his seemingly "laziness", then you can bring it up and you won't mind if he says the B word, as you would feel differently about him anyway at that point. Link to comment
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