rangerrick Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I am a 51 year old male. Not sure of the average age of the folks in this group, so let's just say I bring some life experiences to this particular conversation. After 10 years alone, someone came into my life. She asked me out in fact, and brought me out of my solitary lifestyle. However the 11 month relationship was rocky. She would want to break up almost every 3 months. She was moody, and verbally and emotionally abusive. I was always being evaluated and expected to perform and scorned when that could not happen. The councillors say I was always in a constant state of anxiety when the pressure was on and it didn't help that I was constantly criticized. However there were qualities in her that I liked. She has issues that I thought I could either fix or live through. However in the end, she broke up with me on New Years Day (for good) and it wasn't long after that I discovered her on an "On line dating service" using a photo I took of her as her profile picture. Meanwhile I'm in councilling and under doctor's care. They didn't even want to give me sleeping pills for fear I might misuse them. It doesn't seem fair. It's been 6 weeks since we broke up. I wrote her a couple of letters in hopes she could help me come to terms with what has happened. She says the attraction is gone and that cancels out everything else related to the relationship. I've had breakups before in my youth, but this one is different now that I'm middle age. I'm very sad & angry at the same time. I won't call her because I refuse to be screened. Yet, if she called me, I don't know what I would do. I miss her so much. I should be acting my age and move on, but it is hard. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Hi Ranger. Welcome. I will suggest a book that is a very good read at worst. At best its something that you might find useful in making some changes in your life. No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 hey Ranger, I am SO sorry you're going through this pain. It's not a good feeling at all. I hate to admit this, but I'm very much like your ex. In my last two long term relationships, I was never like that, but this recent ex brought out the worst in me. As we get older, we tend to not want to bend for the other person and woman being the way we are, are very much about control. I know I am. I broke up with my most recent ex many times b/c I was frustrated at his lack of communication and was also trying to get his attention in the hopes he would see the "light". He never did! Now having said this, I'm not placing any blame here, because there are times when two people just don't ckick, but have you maybe taken a look at where you could have done more in the relationship? Link to comment
Mutley Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Hate to say this....but you are better off without her. I've been in a relationship like this, and the best day of it was when she disapeared without a word. Link to comment
lonehair3 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Man. i am so sorry for what your feeling. i know how you feel. i was in an abusive relationship not unlike yourself. during the course of the relationship i felt much like you did. extremely abused, emotionally as well as verbally. like i was always taking a test. and i never was up to par. it hurt my self esteem pretty bad. i was so good to her but. the appreciation wasnt there. i know what its like to be alone, and i know what its like not to be, but being alone is way better than being abused. you deserve better man. you really do. dont let this stand in your way of finding happiness. i know im only half your age. (24) discard this if its not helpful, but u need to go make yourself happy. and i know making her happy made you happy. thats the reason i woke up in the morning for 2 years. but you need to find what makes you happy and makes you feel good about yourself. and go do that. once you find that. love will find you! Link to comment
rangerrick Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks for your replies folks. I have been asking myself what I could have done better. Yes, there were things I could have done better and a lot quicker. However she just ran out of patience. The trade off was I was ALWAYS there for her and believe me she needed me with everything she was going through. I have learned however in councilling that in an emotionally abusive relationship (her mother was bi-polar and perhaps it was in her DNA too) there can be no pleasing someone. In other words, you fix one thing and something else crops up. It was also brought up in councilling that it was a control thing (so interesting that it is mentioned here too) for her as well to keep me on my toes, or is it eggshells? When she broke up with me, there was no emotion. It was so cold blooded, as if it was planned. Just 7 weeks ago we were exchanging gifts (she got the expensive ones, I got the cheap ones) at Christmas and now she's up on a local on line dating service. How insensitive is that? Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 ekk, very insensitive! It's almost like she was trying to get your attention by telling you this. When someone is that cold, it's a surivial instinct or mechanism if you will. My problem is I am too sensitive and my ex was/is a cold hearted soul Listen, you need to go through these aches and pains. If it means anything, you'll gain so much strength from this. Keep talking about your pain, don't be shy to cry, write, get out more etc. All these things help you heal. I know how hard it is to get back out there as you get older. Link to comment
rangerrick Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks again. Just came back from a long walk and another good cry. I haven't stopped for 7 weeks. I'm a cancer and we are very emotional people. I'm very frustrated that I feel this way and wish I could get out of this funk. I'm very angry with her right now for putting me here. However I realize this is part of the greaving process. I have been researching my feelings which is what has brought me to this forum. Writing does help. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 What you are feeling is normal in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. People like your ex do not know how to love because they don't even love themself. They are a bundle of insecurity and self-hate and the only way they can feel good about others is to control them and bully them. I would suggest that you read up on abusive relationships and how it affects the person receiving the abuse. You will realize that you are not alone in this and that many people end up in these kinds of relationships..there are a lot of messed up abusers in this world. Things will get better over time. Link to comment
rangerrick Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks again. I'm sure I will survive this. Her sister's boyfriend sent me an e-mail last week making the comment (trying to be diplomatic out of respect to his own relationship maybe) that "women are complex creatures and I was with someone who was the most complex of the human race". He went on to say I should enjoy my freedom and someone who is more appreciative will come along. I suppose that while I seemed to be blind to the person she really is, other people close to her picked up on it? I'd like to call him up and explore his thoughts further, and at the same time express my disappointment with my ex's conduct before and since the breakup, knowing it will likely filter back to her. I would not do it directly as I do not wish to call her. Any thoughts on this? Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks again. I'm sure I will survive this. Her sister's boyfriend sent me an e-mail last week making the comment (trying to be diplomatic out of respect to his own relationship maybe) that "women are complex creatures and I was with someone who was the most complex of the human race". He went on to say I should enjoy my freedom and someone who is more appreciative will come along. I suppose that while I seemed to be blind to the person she really is, other people close to her picked up on it? I'd like to call him up and explore his thoughts further, and at the same time express my disappointment with my ex's conduct before and since the breakup, knowing it will likely filter back to her. I would not do it directly as I do not wish to call her. Any thoughts on this? The question you need to ask yourself is why you chose to be with someone like her. I would read that book if you have the opportunity. Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Thanks again. Just came back from a long walk and another good cry. I haven't stopped for 7 weeks. I'm a cancer and we are very emotional people. I'm very frustrated that I feel this way and wish I could get out of this funk. I'm very angry with her right now for putting me here. However I realize this is part of the greaving process. I have been researching my feelings which is what has brought me to this forum. Writing does help. Oh, I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug Listen, you need to not be in the "victim" role by being angry at her for putting you here. You need to focus on your part in that you stayed with her. No one person is always at fault in a bad union. It was not a good match, you love her and your heart was broken and it's so normal to feel these feelings. Keep talking and jeep writing and cry and get it out, but move from that victim role and you will see how fast you will heal. Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Thanks again. I'm sure I will survive this. Her sister's boyfriend sent me an e-mail last week making the comment (trying to be diplomatic out of respect to his own relationship maybe) that "women are complex creatures and I was with someone who was the most complex of the human race". He went on to say I should enjoy my freedom and someone who is more appreciative will come along. I suppose that while I seemed to be blind to the person she really is, other people close to her picked up on it? I'd like to call him up and explore his thoughts further, and at the same time express my disappointment with my ex's conduct before and since the breakup, knowing it will likely filter back to her. I would not do it directly as I do not wish to call her. Any thoughts on this? It doesn't matter what filters back to her, you need to do what's good for you right now. I say call him and explore. Link to comment
rangerrick Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 Well I just returned from my weekly councilling session and I can tell you that I am not happy that I have been placed in there, while she is guy hopping on the "On Line" dating service. I spoke to my councillor about sharing my frustrations with her sister's boyfriend through a phone call tonight. If it's going to help with some sort of closure, then she said go for it. I won't call my ex directly or e-mail or write to her, but through this back door channel (because I know it will filter back to her) she'll get the word that I'm angry. There is something insensitive about her profile up there using a sentimental picture I took of her. There should be some span of time before you do something like that so publicly, instead of racing to the computer to get it up there (just after breaking up with me) while I'm still backing out of the driveway. Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 My ex did the same thing It's not about you or the relationship you had, it's about her and her lack of self worth. She needs to find someone else to validate her. That's really sad actually! I know you need to get your pain and anger out, but it will bounce right off of her. Link to comment
rangerrick Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 Hey Summerpeach, you are right of course. In the councilling we have talked about the fact that she lacks a certain componant in her DNA. It's called a conscience, which is the product of a rough childhood that has led to several unsuccessful relationships. However, she needs to hear this anyhow, and I need to talk it out. Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Hey Summerpeach, you are right of course. In the councilling we have talked about the fact that she lacks a certain componant in her DNA. It's called a conscience, which is the product of a rough childhood that has led to several unsuccessful relationships. However, she needs to hear this anyhow, and I need to talk it out. I'm not sure if it's part of her DNA, but everyone has a survival instinct and this is how she feels she can survive. This is why you cannot take her actions personal. I know it's so hard and it took me years to realize what my ex did was not personl, he was just getting up everyday trying to live in this world. Talk it out Link to comment
misitus Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Hey bro, I know how you feel. I was just dumped from a 10-year relationship with my somewhat bipolar GF. I made the mistake of devoting the last few years trying to fix her problems. Hell, I even quit my job so I could rehab her house to sell in the spring. I am 53, she is 50. So age does not necessarily equate to wisdom.. She also was abusive in a way; cold 70% of the time, and then, turn into the most desirable woman you could imagine! Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Hey Summerpeach, you are right of course. In the councilling we have talked about the fact that she lacks a certain componant in her DNA. It's called a conscience, which is the product of a rough childhood that has led to several unsuccessful relationships. However, she needs to hear this anyhow, and I need to talk it out. Rangerrick. You are way to focussed on her. Thats probably what got you into the situation in the first place. I know you are being tongue in cheek but above you say its in her DNA only to say its an issue because she had a rough childhood. These simply contradict each other. She may not have what you consider a conscience. Thats of no concern to you now. What should be a concern is how you will start to deal with the rest of your life. She is in the past. Again i would look into that book. I would spend some time getting to why you chose a woman like her with her traits. It will probably help to find you own motivations. Link to comment
rangerrick Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 Thanks Tyler for you blunt assessment of the situation. And yes I will look for that book. I had a councilling session yesterday and the topic of my choices in woman came up. So that issue is being addressed. I said yesterday that I was going to talk to her sister's boyfriend last night and that phone conversation did take place. He confirmed and earlier e-mail correspondence that he and her sister are puzzled by her behavior and do not agree with her decisions. He feels she has some serious issues and it should be her on the couch and not me. He also let it slip out that my ex has a new "friend". I knew this was coming, but it still hurts. I was back on the sleeping pills last night to help me rest and I wept like a baby all morning. Now her birthday is coming up in a week and I don't know how I am to deal with it. Do I send her a greeting or not, acknowledging her new relationship and be gracious and wish her well while wishing her happy birthday? Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Oh man, I know how hard this is for you. Listen, there is one great way to get over her and this and take your power back; ANGER! You need to get angry. Angry for letting her take your peace away. Angry for letting yourself be so hurt. Just angry! One day you're going to realize how much time she took away from you and you're going to kick yourself. Do not send her ANYTHING! It's only going to open your would wider. If she does not reply or replies in a mean fashion, it's going to bury your few weeks of healing you've done. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Is this new "friend" a relationship? Link to comment
rangerrick Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 I would consider this "friend" to be potential relationship material. Remember she has been searching for men on this Internet Dating Service the same way someone might search on line for a job. She then has the option of interviewing the candidates and then go for the one that matches her own profile. I would say this one may have gotten hired. I'm not happy about it, but it is what it is. And yes, I am angry. Very angry. The majority of the conversation I had last night with her sister's boyfriend had to do with my anger over what has happened to me. The counciller agrees with you Summerpeach, that anger will make me stronger. However anger took a back seat to profound sadness in the middle of last night's conversation when told that she had a new "friend". It just seems to be one step forward, two steps back. Thanks for listening. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Rick anger is a great motivator. At some point you have to use that motivation. This new dude may very well be a relationship. He may very well be the man of her dreams. Again though focussing on that will not get you to where you need to go which is on with your life. If sucks going through the aftermath of a breakup. Sometimes it takes years to get over one. But through all that the focus has to be one of moving on. Really why should you care what she does? Aside from you anger and hurt. Nothing she does can change that. This is now an opportunity to look for something you can be happy about. That requires forward thought and vision and not focussing on her. Been there bought that T-Shirt. Link to comment
rangerrick Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 Tyler, thanks for you assessment. You should consider radio if Doctor Laura quits because you have a useful bluntness in how you assess things. I think it is easy to say move forward and forget her. I said to my councillor yesterday that I was frustrated that I am in this funk and wish I could get out of it quicker. She said there is no magic formula. This whole obsession about her is part of the greaving process and it is what it is. Perhaps my way out of this and for some closure will come next week. I'm still hung up over her upcoming birthday February 27th, complicated by the fact that she may very well be seeing someone. I want to aknowledge both subjects in a gesture of good sportsmenship. If I were to send her an e-mail greeting it would go something like this... "The rumor on the street is that you have found a new friend. The feelings are still raw for me to be happy about this news but I can still be gracious and wish you well and hope you are treated decently. Before New Years I had planned to be a part of your birthday, but obviously that is not possible now. I hope this does not disqualify me from wishing you the very best for your day." Link to comment
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