This is driving me insane..

[-Jade-]

Hi all!

 

this is a little complicated so I'll try to keep this as short as possible...

 

Recently a dear friend of mine, Tom, confessed that he loves me, and ever since then I've been at a complete loss.

 

I met Tom on a Forums board when I was about 17 (I'm almost 22 now) and with a few others, we became good friends. I was also in the middle of a long distance relationship with a guy called Rick from said forums board. Tom and Rick are both from The Netherlands, from different areas (I'm from Ireland). So during the bitter end of my relationship with Rick, I found that I had feelings for Tom because we have an amazing relationship together. He's intelligent, funny, open-minded, so sweet and an all round beautiful person. After breaking up with Rick, we both confessed to each other that we liked each other (by the way, I have met both in person, several time. And stay in contact in every means possible).

 

The thing is Tom suffers from a terrible condition called Spinal Muscular Atrophy, a condition that slowly lets his muscles deteriorate, so he's currently in a wheelchair, which means his condition will worsen through the years. Before I thought this wouldn't be much of a problem for us(Though I cried to know someone so wonderful has such a cursed condition to live with), personality has always mattered more to me anyway. when I was 18 I spent my birthday in Amsterdam with him and his family, and though I had feelings for him, I didn't know how to cope with having a lover with such a condition, especially if you consider the long term relationship of this. I'm a physically demanding person, I enjoy sex with a partner, and I was just scared because I had no clue how to cope, so I ended up rejecting him by slowly distancing myself from him. Ever since then I've felt terrible and sickened at my selfishness.

 

After that we kind of grew apart as he was quite bitter with my silent decision(I don't blame him). I threw myself in a few stupid and hopeless relationships, and by the time I was 19 I realized I was hopelessly in love with him. Over MSN Messenger I confessed my feelings for him, but he rejected me because of what I had previously done (again, I don't blame him for that either). I was very upset and depressed for months as I had never dealt with unrequited love before, though I deserved every bit of it. After I pulled myself together and tried to move on I went on into another hopeless relationship and during then, he told me he regretted somewhat rejecting me, that he was sorry for being so bitter, but I thought that maybe this wouldn't have worked anyway, and that we should forget about it. I entered yet another stupid relationship (though he was the nicest guy I ever dated) and I ended that last September.

 

Ever since then I've mentally matured as a person and spiritually too. I realized that I don't need to be so emotionally dependent, that I need to sort out my priorities and enjoy life and friends. So I've moved on and though I'm stressed in college, I've made some amazing new friends and I'm generally happy in life. The fact I'm a bit more confident with myself, and want to stay single for a while has unbelievably earned me quite a bit of male attention, and I'm not interested in any of them.

 

So about 3 weeks ago Tom tells me through MSN Messenger (while drunk) that he loves me, and always has. I brushed it off as drunken nonsense but he later told me while sober that he meant every word. I tried to convince him that maybe he's confused, that he hasn't seen me in person for over 3 years, and I've changed quite a lot. When he tells me things like I'm the only woman that would truly ever turn him on because he has such deep inset emotions for me makes my heart race like crazy. Ever since then I've been at complete loss. So much so that I can't concentrate on much, I'm stressing out even more than usual, I'm even crying now out of frustration and confusion since he's probably the only person that I've ever truly loved/may still love I think about him every day, all day. Practically obsessed with him. I always want to talk to him (but he's always busy) and it's driving me nuts. I'm practically on MSN Messenger all day every day hoping he'd come online. I'd e-mail him or call(he's moved out of his parent's home through independent living so I have no number to call yet) but I don't want to irritate him, he does have his own life away from me.

 

I think I have the maturity to deal with his condition and love him for him but I'm still somewhat scared that I may be wrong. I'm visiting him this July for his birthday and since he's never been kissed, I told him I'll give him a birthday kiss (Mostly as something purely platonic, as we both know). I think this will help me clarify what the hell I want, but I never ever want to hurt him again, he means so much to me, even as just a friend.

 

All views and comments are deeply appreciated, thanks for your time!

 

-Jade- xox

[Llama Dancer]

Give it time. Take it slow. Be honest and gentle with your friend. You obviously both have deep feelings for one another. You say you don't want to hurt him -- then don't. Figure out what you want from this friendship/relationship and move accordingly. Oh yeah -- and cut yourself some slack. Love is a confusing and crazy thing. Good luck to you!

[-Jade-]

Give it time. Take it slow. Be honest and gentle with your friend. You obviously both have deep feelings for one another. You say you don't want to hurt him -- then don't. Figure out what you want from this friendship/relationship and move accordingly. Oh yeah -- and cut yourself some slack. Love is a confusing and crazy thing. Good luck to you!

 

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I do want to take it slowly as I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I'm too busy with college work. I guess it's hard when I hardly ever talk to him much. there's like week between every time I talk to him and it's infuriating.

 

I guess you're right, love truly is a blinding thing.