i want a journal

[paperneck]

tonight i went into the office even though i wasn't working. i talked with (coworkerx) for a while. when we went out for a cigarette she talked about her boyfriend. she talked about their sex life. she told me how amazing her boyfriend was in bed. i brought up stories about a girl i was with a few months ago. i did it to indirectly suggest i was probably better than her boyfriend. i did it because i knew it would make her think about me. i looked her in the eyes when i told her, and i lowered my voice. i know her well enough to know the stories i'm telling her are about things she wants. i mantain a standard in my head that i won't cross: if she's with someone else i won't actually make a move on her. I am, however, certainly setting up the pieces to make a move on her if they break up. I have no interest in dating this girl. I just want to sleep with her. I hate that i do things like this.

[paperneck]

I spent the night tutoring English students with learning disabilities and revising papers. Someone i care for very much was in the emergency room after an accident she vaguely explained to me over the telephone. For the sake of continuity I'll refer to her from here on out as (a).I spent the night worried about what condition she was in, and more nervous because she hadn't given me any update on her status. I've spent several years wanting to be with her, and its never worked out. I haven't seen her for about a month now, and the last time we saw each other ended awkwardly. Things between us tend to work in a cycle where we will get very close for a brief period of time, and then become distant for a while. My pain comes because i love her despite the distance, and despite the amount of time that may elapse. It’s been this way for years.

 

When she told me she was in the hospital it made everything seem very fragile. Everything. I had a momentary perception that everything in the world would break except for me, who would have to watch helplessly. This feeling also stems from the poor health of my parents, and most of my close friends.

 

During all of this i was trying to explain the beauty of Walt Whitman to someone who only wanted to pass a class. It helped, though, watching someone grow while i was consumed by how people fall apart. Something about tonight felt like balance, and sometimes i swear Gods whispering nearby.

[paperneck]

A girl i knew from a while ago called me tonight. we will call her ©. she wanted someone to sleep beside and i wanted someone to sleep with. I guess we compromised something in between and now i'm back home. it was a little awkward. she made a joke about not seeing each other for another year, and we probably won't.

 

things used to be sweeter, and there is always a time i wish i could go back to. there was a time when sex had nothing to do with trying to fix loneliness.

 

i cut my lip on my tooth going down on her. i keep playing with the little piece of skin on the inside of my lip. it's funny: the small remnants we leave of ourselves on one another.

 

I've been waking up with scratches on my body and i have no idea where they came from.

[paperneck]

It was a strange week.

 

i talked to (a). she's ok.

 

 

i was tricked into going to a strip club, which is an all around depressing experience. I tend to feel bad for everyone. Women are condensed to their sexuallity. Men are condensed to their wealth. It's a very sad thing, and everyone smiles through it. A lot of time when i am sick enough of myself to sit back and watch the people around me i always end up wondering what exactly we're chasing after. Why do we live as if the things we do get us closer to somewhere else worth being, and why do we give up so much of our humanity in the process. I've seen too many things torn apart by money. i've seen myself torn apart too many times by loneliness. Mostly now i just want to sleep for a long time. Mostly i dream about somewhere warmer where i have no past to avoid, and no expectations to fulfill. I always end up fantasizing about a boat somewhere, that i could drift on alone for a while, that might bring me back with some hard earned truth to live through: Some terrible storm bringing waves high as skyscrapers, whale pods passing with indifference, a school of sharks gnawing at the hull, and jabbing at them with a harpoon until the waves go red, drawing new monsters. somehow that has something to do with being tricked into going to a strip club.

 

for work i spent a day in the psych wing of a hospital. I have work there on occasion. its a sad place. Sometimes i see people there i used to know and i'm at a loss for anything to say to them.

 

i went for a drive late the other night. i went through a few towns i hadn't been to in awhile. i drove by the last house i lived in with my parents. It was the first time i had been there since i left home, and since they moved at the same time i moved out. I realized how much had happened there, and then realized that most of it was passed. most of the love and hate i found in that * * * * ty little house was lost somewhere. I wondered what chapter i was in now, and how i'd look back. I've been sick recently, and i'm always afraid i have lung cancer. throat cancer. i'm afraid of having to admit that i'm dying more than i'm actually afraid to die. When i end up diagnosed with something i'll probably keep it a secret and ignore it until i'm taken by it. I think thats how i want to handle it.

 

i made a sick woman happy when i bought her a root beer. it made me happy too.

[paperneck]

There are three bobby pins on my night stand from the last time (a) was here. It's been over a month since then, but i can't bring myself to throw them out.

 

I'm very tired, I feel very burnt out, and i wish the winter would end. I used to know a girl who would take me to a pond to catch frogs with her in the spring. She was really pretty wonderful.

[paperneck]

i went to a party after work tonight. i saw some friends i hadn't seen in awhile. it was all nice. I didn't drink much, but i think that the drugs i've been taking for a recent illness interacted with the alcohol. after i left i threw up in the driveway and had a terrible time breathing. My throat became really constricted and i couldn't get a breath in or out. For a moment i really thought i might die. My thoughts were mostly calm. I considered trying to call an ambulence, and instead just wondered who might find me. a cough came that cleared my throat well enough to breath again. i sat on a rock threw up a few more times, lit a cigarette, and took a moment to rest in the car.

 

there have been times before, car accidents, various accidents, where i thought i was going to die and my reaction was so calm and indifferent. i scare myself looking back on those moments. I don't know what this implies about me, but i find it cause to worry.

[paperneck]

I wasn't sure if i wanted to keep writing this or not, its therapeutic, but its hard for me to maintain a balance between telling an accurate acount of emotions and events, and keeping things vague enough to keep my anonymity.

 

Things seemed to have fallen apart between (a) and myself. We had a day together in the park. It was really quite sweet, but when i tried to kiss her at the end of the night she became upset with me. Its hard because i know she felt pressured by me to be together, and i resent her for putting a wall up every time i feel close to her.

 

its hard. I'm generally lonely, and i'm ok with being alone except that being close to her gives me hope that i don't have to be. Its a very precious to me, i don't think she understands that, and i feel weak trying to explain. Our views on pain and loneliness are different, and i'm really starting to see that now. i haven't spoken to her in a few weeks, and i've actually spent that time focusing on the rest of my life.

 

I've been tutoring more, and helping a few students pass their classes, while simultaneously failing my own. I've been writing for myself when i'm supposed to be writing for class, and i'm becoming more and more pleased with the outcomes.

 

I've been giving up hope and something else is taking its place. flowers growing from dead flowers.

 

I went over to a girls house last week. We will call her (b). She is the only girl i'm am still friends with despite romantic histories. When one of is depressed we tend to try and sleep with each other. When we're both depressed we end up giving in. This time i was depressed and she kept me at bay. The time before that she crawled in my bed naked, poured a glass of wine on her body, and bid me come. This time we kept tame, she slapped my hand away when it drifted to her.

 

this week i went over to ©'s house. We both work close to medicine, although i'm closer to social work, and she deals with a very specialized sector of therapy. we curled toigether on her bed into any number of shapes, and i went home when she fell too tired to keep going.

 

I haven't felt confident in myself in months. Its starting to come back. I feel like i lost my legs, and they're starting to grow back. I can feel me walk again.

 

My great great grandfather was a priest that immigrated from ireland to america. Sometimes i pray for the dead, despite growing up presbyterian. I wonder sometimes if that sort of thing passes through blood. Sometimes in the middle of a prayer i say the name of a saint, hoping God offers guides with mouths loud enough to whisper, just loud enough to alter a step or two into a better direction.

 

The people i see every day; most of them are suffering worse than i can imagine. It breaks my heart the way i think it ought to be broken.