Four years, breaking up... yes I am imperfect

[AverageGuy]

I can honestly say that this is the low point of my life. I am so scared and confused and emotionally wrecked that I have no clue how to get myself through another day of living. I think I have decided that I am simply incapable of dealing with relationships and love, it is well beyond me.

 

I broke off a four year relationship with a woman who I thought loved me. Why did I break it off? I truly cared for her, but I was scared to commit. Unsure about whether we would work together. Guilty about taking any more of her precious time. So I made this move, both for myself and also for her. But making this decision was like closing my eyes and stepping off a thousand foot cliff. I really have no friends to support me, in a strange city, and my family is far away.

 

I say I thought she loved me, because hearing some of her comments to others about me revealed that she really despises me now, or she comes accross as if she does. This hurts me terribly because I was always kind to her, I never had a harsh thing to say about her, even when she was unfair to me. It just didn't seem to be working, so I did the only thing I could do, or so I thought. This is seeing a side of her that I did not know, or did not admit. I know she is hurting, but did she ever really love me if she could be so cold?

 

I no longer have any faith in myself, in my integrity, in my stability. I am so needy that I would no doubt run back to this person who is probably wrong for me.

 

I read posts in this and other forums about men and women who are derided and chided because they are "emotionally unstable". They just need to "behave maturely and get their act together". I just don't understand why people have to be so intolerant and judgemental. I suspect that they aren't so perfect either but that it gives them some sort of power to preach on a forum like this. Is there anyone with compassion out there?

 

So I'll admit right upfront that I am imperfect; that I have no idea how to manage my life; that I have made foolish mistakes and bad decisions, and have probably hurt others in the process. I never started out to intentionally hurt this woman, but that's the way it turned out... my human weaknesses taking me down the wrong path, yet again.

 

So this goes way beyond a relationship issue; it comes down to the fundamental way we deal with being here on this planet. Here I am now, I have no one. Not a single person in my life to talk to, that gives a s*** if I live or die. Both parents in their graves. My kids hundreds of miles away. Then I screwed up this relationship. So now I am left with nothing but pain and confusion and loss.

 

I have no idea what to do or where to go with my life. I am completely helpless. Not only am I no use to myself, I am no use to anyone else. All I can do is hurt others, it appears. And that's ironic because I had always thought of myself as a caring person - go figure.

 

All I wanted was to share a time of peace and caring with someone. Is that too much to ask? Our time is so short in this life, and I just wanted a little happiness for a while. But I f***ed that up like I have f***ed up everything else. And the really scary part is that I have no idea how to fix it, how to change it.

 

You see my mind always goes to the worst case worrying, always that obsessive yammering in my mind that won't ever let me ever have any peace. THIS won't work, THIS isn't good enough, WHAT IF you make the wrong decision, what if, what if, what if. Worry is destroying me and hurting the people around me. I guess I have had this problem so long that I don't even see it any more. It's been so long since I had a time without this crazy obsessional thinking that I suppose I don't realize that it could be different.

 

When I met her, she was the first person who had ever truly cared about me. We bonded, connected very deeply, we were both unguarded and open, because that's the sort of people we were. But I started doubting myself, analyzing, worrying, absolutely crazy stuff. And then I broke it off with her, not thinking or comprehending how important she was to me, and how much I loved her, how much I needed her. But all of these things didn't matter in the end, because my little obsessional mind would not let me be happy, would not ever give me any peace, would not allow me to simply let it be. Be here now. Three words, so simple, bot soooo hard for me to achieve. As hard to reach as the moon.

 

She said something about me going off to find myself. That's not it, after a week of hell I know that I need to FIX myself. If I cannot somehow come to grips with this crazy obsessional thinking I will never have anything, it's already destroyed so much, and I don't think I can go on much longer like this. There's just so much pain, I can't stand it. I know that I am going to be in a mental hospital or dead if this continues. That's just the way it is.

[david2004]

hello there, i know things aren't great at the moment, but it is truly amazing what we can acomplish when we keep fighting when things have come unhinged. you sound like a pretty intelligent person and im sure you have alot going for you, probably more than most. you must take each day at time and begin to allow some hope back into your life. i have messed up plenty of times and i know pain aswell as any man, but you must keep going and find belief in yourself again, however slowly you do it. just keep going for the moment and soon life will take over and someting good will happen. slowly move on and lay to rest what happened in that relationship. hope that helps!

[raggamuffin]

Things are tough and some people have it worse than others and for longer times than others. And your right NO ONE is perfect no situation is perfect everything has flaws but that doesnt have to be bad. But the reason for people saying "get your act together" is because this is the only way people survive tough situations like yours. Youve realised that you have made mistakes and now you have to figure out what are you going to do about it. Are you going to dwell on it and feel terrible for the rest of your life. Or are you going to make things happen, find some friends and people that care about you and do things that make you happy. The thing is its all up to you. If you cant do it own your own join a support group, see a councellor, make friends. move closer to your friends. I hope it all works out and that you can improve your negative outlook upon life and on yourself. I am not perfect and Im not preaching I know where you have been and I know I had to work hard to get out of the hole I dug myself in but I did it and Im now a better person and a happier person for it.

[Medan]

I know everything seems to be going against you right now. Most of us can relate to that feeling all to well. You are putting to much emphasis on this one person being the only thing you have to live for. I know it is easy to spend the majority of your time with that one special person, and then when they are gone your world seems empty. Start doing the things you did before you meet her or things you have wanted to do but never got around to. Get out and be around people. Go to the park, gym or bookstore. Find some good books to read that will help you become a better person. Its not going to be easy but the sooner you start the sooner you will start feeling better.

 

Good Luck!

[MissYeah24]

Trust me, she doesn't hate you. This presumed hatred or indifference is the result of absolute contempt for what you did- shatter her world.

 

When you lose that is which you love, it does more than just break your heart or make you emotionally vunerable- it destroyed your belief structure. And as someone who gives two sh**s about money, fame or power, I realize that the one true reason I live is to love- whether it be friends, family, lovers or myself. Every other bit of anything flows from that.

 

I pray you seek help. I'm not going to tell you to join a club, or take up a new hobby. Thats like putting a bandaid on cancer. What you need to do is fix yourself- find out why your afraid, what you lack or fail to give. We get one chance at this often tragic thing called life. No one deserves to feel the pain you now do. Find the love your lacking- the love of yourself.

[woopsydaisy]

were do i start...your really brave admiting the problems you have it takes a lot of balls.I think you have just taken the first step to recovery...and you realise you need help.Eveyone f@@@s up and makes mistakes , have you thought about seeing your docter and describing how you feel?...you dont deserve to be in so much turmoil..and you owe it to yourself to get some help..some things in life we carnt fix things are selves .Its even harder now because you have just ended a relationship.This girl still loves you shes just feeling really bitter at the mo..and shes just lost you?.How else is she suppossed to feel.If you realise you still love and breaking off with her was a mistake try and get her back..go for it and ask for her forgivness.It seems that you had something good with her.If you and her was so open she will understand how you are feeling... and admit to her you wanna get some help and work things through with hern help.Just remember that you deserve more than negativity all the time but no ones gonna help you if you carnt help yourself. From a guy whos made a S@@t load of mistakes and who isnt perfect like yourself.