Two months of no contact, she calls, again.

[cobro]

This is funny stuff, I'm slowly recovering from getting over her. She broke up with me like 3 times over the last 2 1/2 years. We've been broken up for 4 months at the end of this month. We've talked a few times at first, mostly her initiating contact. I have not contacted her since November. Last month she called twice and I didn't return her call, flat out ignored them because I didn't want to deal with it at the time. So technically it has been 2 months since I've actually talked to her. Well I am feeling much better and kind of starting to wonder if she gave up on me. Not that I want her back, but it would be nice to know that I had some sort of impact on her life that she couldn't walk away after 2 years. Out of the blue she called today. I decided to answer just to show her that I am okay and not avoiding her. She just asked me how I was doing and stuff, I was upbeat and happy and had lots of good news about my life of course. Then I asked her about her, how she was doing, she told me some stuff, blah blah...Then out of the blue she's like "so, are you dating anyone?" and I said not really, I don't have time for that right now I have other things I need to concentrate on like moving out of my house and finding a better job. She was like, "that's cool" kind of awkward after that. She got kind of quiet and I said "I'll let you go, you sound kind of busy" and we got off the phone in saying talk to you later. I got the immediate gut instinct that the only reason she called was to find out if I'm dating anyone, because the conversation did a 180 after that! First of all, why is she calling me? She is supposed to have a new bf, and I think she still does, but I have strong evidence he is rebound. Does she miss me in some way? Why did she ask if I am dating anyone? Curiosity, or testing the waters to try to use me as a fallback guy, once again? Or was it just a friendly phone call to see how I was doing? I know I shouldn't worry about it, but I think it's kind of immature of her to ask me if I'm dating anyone after breaking up with me a hooking up with 2 or 3 guys in the time since. Well I have bad news for her if she wants to use me as a backup buy again, too bad! I hope to god that is not what she has in the back of her head. That question of hers just threw me for a loop. I don't mind being on good terms with her, as long as she doesn't abuse it and start wanting to see me and go to lunch, etc...She's done that before and it all started like this, her asking me if I'm dating anyone. Now I expect that I will hear from her again, but if it gets too creepy I'll put a stop to it, because she's already brought me enough pain. I know most of you are asking, why did you answer the phone cobro? I have debated that over the last 2 months. If I avoid her, it just shows that I am not over her and she has this power over me. On the other hand, if I avoid her she might just go away. So I figured I should answer and show her how I've moved on. But I know where to draw the line if she wants to mess with my head. Ahh, thanks for listening and what do you think?

[Fennejir]

removed

[justagirl]

Hey Cobro

 

I'm glad to hear you are doing good and are getting over this situation. One thing that stuck out to me was the comment about, well this comment:

If I avoid her, it just shows that I am not over her and she has this power over me. On the other hand, if I avoid her she might just go away. So I figured I should answer and show her how I've moved on.

 

Now, you avoiding her as nothing to do with being over her or not. You are thinking of yourself and what you think needs to be done to handle this situation correctly. So, don't think that avoiding her will show "attachment" on your part. Because all it really shows is you don't need her back in your life to fill the position she was in before.

Also, trying to show her that you've moved on by answering the phone and talking to her will only cause more trouble than harm. She won't believe or "see" anything (like you being over her) unless she's ready to face those facts and let things go. So, trying to have her understand or realize anything is a waste of time because she only believes what she wants. Just like the possibility of you coming back into her life and using you as the "fallback" guy. She maybe could have asked about the dating to see if you were available, to have something to hold against you if you were dating again, or just simply to be curious and ask. Shes the only one that really knows her motives behind that question.

 

My suggestion to you is, if one phone conversation can leave you analyzing the call and questioning her reason for calling, than I suggest that you don't talk to her.

 

I hope this helped somewhat, if not...sorry

 

Justagirl,

 

[Athena]

I agree and somewhat agree with a little bit of everything said. Good advise over all!

 

Cobro I think you are right in saying that not avoiding her shows that it really doesn't matter to you whether you speak with her or not. We initally avoid because we can't handle it, let's face it. But eventually for some and in some instances, there may come a time when it no longer affects us when we talk/see them. I think that's where you WANT to be - and I don't blame you, me too, because it represents a very strong place. BUT, I have to say I don't think you are quiiiiiittte there yet. As justagirl said, if you were there, you wouldn't give her call a second thought.

 

Justagirl also brings up a very interesting question, which is, when you do reach that point when you don't give talking to them or seeing them a thought, (I feel like I about where you are too - almost there) you have to wonder at that point what is the value of the exchange? Are you just being cordial? I think when we are left to pick up the pieces after being disguarded by someone we loved, its very likely that resentful feeling will always be associated with that person. And I think resentment will prevent any kind of in depth friendship from growing out of that situation. If that's the case (this is all just theory), then whats the point of picking up the phone, even if it doesn't bother you anymore? I'm being socratic so feel free to rip my theory apart

 

 

-A

[cutiepie20]

You know what? It is so sad to say, but your ex reminds me of myself. I have been recently trying to get back with my ex after breaking up with him several times and then wanting to get back together! Charming huh? Well, I did it only because I have a lot of issues about being afraid of getting into relationships but anyways.... I think that you not answering the phone is not at all a signal of weakness. When my ex doesnt answer the phone the only thing that runs through my mind is, "Wow, he doesn't want to talk to me....and he's trying to move on". Never once have I thought, " Oh, he has to avoid me because he knows he still loves me and he wont be able to handle it if he talks to me"! I think this girl (like me) doesnt really know what she wants...or she thinks she knows what she wants, but then realizes she doesnt want it! I think that maybe when you show her that you dont care.....she wants you even more. It is a big ego bust....when someone who once told you that they loved you shows you that they CAN in fact do without you...and actually is ENJOYING being without you!

I havent dated anyone else since the break-up between my ex and I...and although I have issues with being afraid to allow myself to be emotionally close with someone... I don't expect anyone to have sympathy for me. ...NOr do I have sympathy for your ex. I think that part of you still cares for her... because you still want to be friends, but I don't know if that is going to work...Unless you flat out tell her that you would like to be friends with her, but strictly friends! AT least then, she wont have any expectations and maybe she can to move on with her life.....or noT!..... pm me and let me know what's happening!

Wish u the best of luck

Sincerely,

Cutiepie20