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is it better to be the one that loves more - or is loved more?


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In every relationship one person always loves more. Maybe one in gazillion relationships is so special to have both loving evenly.

 

Theory # 1: A person who is loved more becomes bored with the partner, takes him/her for granted, gets frustrated with his/hers neediness and dependence and usually decides to break things off.

 

Theory # 2: A person who is loving more becomes tired of feeling unappreciated and underestimated, hurts every time her/his effort is not returned, decides that is feeling lonely anyways and exits the relationship.

 

Just curious of your opinions:

 

Which scenario do you think is more common?

 

Regardless of the answer to above question - would you rather be the one who loves more or the one loved more?

 

All answers will be appreciated Thanx!

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id rather love more as it helps me continue to love more. I say well i was very into something and give others the same chance if it doesnt work out. the person who never loves as much will be missing out on a more beautiful world imo. i think ppl feel like they love more more then the opposite. i think both ppl feel like they love more then the other sometimess so id say thats most common but what is most true. idk.

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I think it can vary. Some people are very comfortable just being loved. Others love to love, so giving twice as much may be fine for them. Others may feel the need for a sense of balance.

 

For me... I don't mind either scenario as long as I am loved in return. I don't want to feel like I am loving someone wholly who is just content to have a companion, nor would I feel comfortable being loved intensely by someone I felt warmly towards.

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Why be so defeatist about it? If someone truly loves you why put it on a scale saying who loves more?

 

Why not love the act of love? Being in love??

 

When I decide to be in a relationship - I give my all: I set my schedule according to him so we can spend every minute together, I have planned ahead what he'll get for X-mas, his B-day, V-day, I'm planning romantic getaways etc.

 

I happened to be with a person who would sort of avoid all this - although I knew he loved me, I felt like I was just as important in his life as other things - while he was absolutely the most important part of my life.

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I think my relationship fell apart - amongst other things - because although I loved I was hiding it - so that he doesn't feel too comfortable and doesn't stop trying => stop loving...

 

Him on the other hand was showing more affection than he really felt, I guess trying himself to convince that he loved me

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..

Elsewhere, we can only be who we are. I have tried to "hide" my love, too, and been told I have trust issues. I have revealed my love and been called needy. *shrugs*. I mean, you can only be who you are. If you love someone, show them.

 

Good point as it's better to be abandoned for who you are - than for who you are pretending to be but are not!

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There are different things going on that prompt this question.

 

Giving as gratuity vs giving as reciprocity

The truly gratuitous gift is one in which the giver feels no sacrifice in doing it but out of pure love is thankful for the opportunity to give. This is the greatest and most beautiful kind of gift.

 

Gift-giving based on reciprocity also has a beauty to it, tho'. Reciprocity forms and tightens relationships: I pay for lunch this time and you owe me lunch, thereby ensuring that we will again have lunch together. Reciprocity also allows for an expression of mutual respect. For instance, if we have to choose between going to my friend's housewarming party or your friend's birthday party, we may go to your friend's birthday party this time, but next time, we have to go to my friend's deal. But this is not a balance of love. It is simply a matter of fairness.

 

Now, love is not itself an emotion, but it expresses itself through emotions. If my affectionate emotions for you are much greater than yours for me, then I may feel as though what I am doing for you is gratuitous, but you may interpret it as reciprocal. I do all sorts of things for you, thinking I am making you happy, but you are keeping a ledger. When you notice that I never require any return, you figure that I am, in a sense, bribing you to stick with me, because I don't have enough respect for myself. That's when you get problems. Most of the time, in this situation, it is you and not I who is correctly interpreting the situation. I am, in fact, secretly harboring a desire to be repaid, and any resentment I have will betray this desire. An outside observer will say, "he just gives and gives and gives, and she just takes and takes and takes." And the outside observer may be right.

 

To avoid this problem, the expression of love must be guided by practical wisdom. I must be able to read a situation well enough to know when I can be showing you my love and when I would be letting you take advantage of me. The expression of love must be attended by a persistent and dense joy, which can be sustained through trials and sufferings — * not a joy of suffering but a hard core of joy that is not defeated by suffering. The expression of love must work with a belief that the love within you is great, just as the love within me is great, that given enough time, it will form you more and more. And, to round things off, I should say that love must be attended by courage and temperance as well.

 

Now, given all this, it is better for the one whose love is greater. This kind of love will not feel resentment.

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Tom,

 

this is - I guess - how those who love more get hurt. They forgive that he forgot about anniversary, don't mind waiting with dinner when he's out with boys, will spend their b-day with other friends cause he "is tired"...

And then he's thinking: I must be so great - she doesn't deserve me

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Exacly - is it posible that their love just goes away in an instant? If it does than it was just faked, it was never there - it's the feeling that grows in you, it's a process for it to be born and to die...

Although I wish it could just be cut off like a disfunctional organ

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I think Dr. Ruth said it best. People are different, so our love for each person is also different. How can you really put a scale on how much love is between two people when each loves the other in a different way? I used to try to measure how much my girlfriends loved me and whether they loved me as much as I did them, and all that did was turn me into a needy, annoying boyfriend. I've learned to pay more attention in my relationships and notice how my girlfriend shows me she loves me even though it's different from how I show her.

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We may not be erased and always thought warm about by them - but that is not what I need right now: either stay with me - or take this damn love with you!

 

I'm starting to think rebound is the only option although it has a bad reputation. I think it'll work. Why not

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I think the mark of a healthy relationship, and the ones you see that people want to emulate themselves because both seem so happy, are the ones where the love is equitable.

 

All couples have ups and downs, as in maybe one day one person feels more loving and amorous and another day the other person does, but a healthy relationship is one where the loving feelings are equitable more than not.

 

The ones where one is loving more than the other lead to unhappiness on the parts of both people over time.

 

Some folks will say the one who loves the least has the most power in the relationship, but how dysfunctional is that? A good relationship doesn't have one person playing power games.

 

Does anyone really want to be in a relatinoship where they are not as much in love with their partner as their partner is them? Or vice versa?

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I think Dr. Ruth said it best. People are different, so our love for each person is also different. How can you really put a scale on how much love is between two people when each loves the other in a different way? I used to try to measure how much my girlfriends loved me and whether they loved me as much as I did them, and all that did was turn me into a needy, annoying boyfriend. I've learned to pay more attention in my relationships and notice how my girlfriend shows me she loves me even though it's different from how I show her.

 

Makes sense.

It pretty much goes down to who needs more attention and affection - that's the one who will be the "more loving".

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I've been both, my first real relationship i loved him more and in the end it really destroyed me, i felt underappreciated, used, and like he didn't give a crap. Taught me a lot of lessons, it was heartbreaking cause in the end i couldn't take anymore and walked away, when i did this he begged me to stay, promised to change and give me everything i'd ever wanted....this truly broke my heart.

 

My last serious relationship I was loved more and although i appreciated his gestures and I tried hard to return it, in the end it wasn't there and I chose to walk away as it felt unfair to stay when i knew i didn't love him, i had actually fallen out of love and that hurt.

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