Keeping strong and needing help

[pushforward]

I'm 2 months NC, not to get her back, but to get me back. I don't have any urges to contact her anymore. In fact, I don't want her back. She cheated and hurt me in the most selfish way. I don't want any type of contact with her, so I blocked her completely in every way possible. It's a relief that she cannot hurt me or have access to me at will. However my pain has been going up. I know I'm dealing with it head on, but sometimes it gets really unbearable. It's the only thing on my mind and I can't function properly. I have to nap it off, or go to the gym and come back to sleep.

 

I can't vent to anybody and get advice because the people I do talk to think I should be over this by now. I'm really debating if I should take meds, I'm not suicidal, but the pain is driving me nuts. I can't sleep or eat properly sometimes. I have to force myself or rely on sleeping aids. I wake up with cold sweats or tears in my eyes. It's like I'm hurting even in my sleep. It seems to me, that my very core characteristics are tied in with pain. I cannot get rid of it. I don't know what it's like not to be in pain.

 

I'm just hurting so bad and I want it to stop. I don't know what direction to take or avenues to pursue. I go to therapy once every 3 - 4 weeks. I think I might ask for some type of mild anti-depressant. I need help. I don't want to go on the meds though... I've been trying really hard to live through the pain, but it's still there. I don't want to give up hope or break. I want to be over this and move on. I want to be just okay and not live in pain anymore.

 

Tired of this. It's getting to the point where I wake up and debate if I want to call into work and sleep in the whole day. I actually have a valid reason now, I'm actually getting sick. Dealing with a heartbreak and getting sick. =/

 

Not only am I emotionally drained, I'm physically drained now too.

[agatha]

dunno if it helps, but I was just like that about a year and some months ago. here's a list of things I did that helped me out of misery:

 

1- overdoing anything doesn't help. exercising, sleeping, eating, whatever. it's frustrating and that will eventually turn into feeling guilty for not being strong enough to get to the surface of the blanket of s*** that she poured on you.

 

2- do whatever you can to break your routine. change your hair, change your gym, start doing things totally unlike you, even things you hate (I learned how to hip hop: though I really find degrading to shake my a** to the beat), doing the kind of stupid things that you usually scorn can bring you some laughter - sure you are your own self, but it worked for me ; )

 

3- try not to destroy your career on the long run. but don't turn into a workaholic either, you'll resent that.

 

4- make lists of things you have to do next week, next month, this year. make lists of things you _want_ to do. don't put your love life on them just yet, though.

 

5- get yourself a dog, if you don't have one (my favorite anti-depressive. I have a yorkshire, and he's been with me for 7 years for the good and the worst. plus, it's an easy-to-take-care-of breed that appeals to people from 8 months to 80 years), or start forcing yourself to take yours to parks. people with dogs are usually more on the socializing side of the fence, and talking about the weather is a way of keeping your head from the past.

 

6- consider going for a vacation somewhere you'd love to be. even if just for a week, travelling has underestimated power on healing wounds. (relatives/parents house shouldn't count as options if you don't want to go through the pain of talking about what happened)

 

7- remember the lists? make a list of things that define you, that you usually do, and that you are currently not doing, and set yourself rewards for that. things like 'singing in the shower', 'writing poetry', whatever. and price them high, not just a haagen dazs cup, k?

 

healing takes time, and time doesn't fly by when you keep your eyes on the watch ^^

 

good luck!

[franfran]

I have no experience whatsoever with meds, so I really have no advice for you in regards to that. Speaking with a doctor or therapist about it might help...of course they can't understand exactly the amount of pain you're going through, but they can at least give you a professional medical opinion. You are very self-aware and smart, so if you think you need them, then who knows, maybe you do. Definitely talk to a professional.

[pushforward]

Thanks, I will try what you have suggested. Some of them I already do. I just hate being at this point and time in my life, feeling so powerless over any of my emotions or feelings.

 

 

 

I think I will give it a full year before I go on meds. I really don't want to be reliant on them. I'm just in an excruciating amount of pain. I don't know what to do. I feel lost and stuck. Probably because I am.

 

I already talk to a therapist, he reassures me that I am fine and very mature for my age. He's suggested things and I've tried them. It seems like nothing helps ease the pain.

[agatha]

I took meds when I was suicidal. helped me because the side effects took away any thought I had on anything else but proving everyone that I was fine enough to get rid of them. most people don't have side effects, though, so with proper orientation it might help. I just can't cope with the idea of throwing up 3 times a day (I'm 5f10", and barely 100 pounds...).

[agatha]

pf, you're welcome.

 

btw, how long were you with her? I usually follow a 40% rule: if I was on that relationship for a year, it should take me about 4 months to really start getting over that. add or take time depending on how intense it was. it hurts, it sucks, but even if it was awful, it was worth something.

[pushforward]

pf, you're welcome.

 

btw, how long were you with her? I usually follow a 40% rule: if I was on that relationship for a year, it should take me about 4 months to really start getting over that. add or take time depending on how intense it was. it hurts, it sucks, but even if it was awful, it was worth something.

 

We were together for a year and a half. It was really intense, I'm still baffled at the whole idea that we broke up. Not necessarily in denial, but confused as why she threw me away so easily. She cheated on me and I know that I did nothing to push her away.

 

I was very supportive and nurturing, I'm really mature for my age and it's taken me lots of months of pain to figure out, I'm not the one she wants. By intense, I mean she is my first gf, first love, first breakup, I hate how I waited for somebody special and this is what the end result is.

 

I'm still trying to figure out what it's worth. I'm delusional from all the pain, haha. I feel like my world is slowly coming to an end. Slowly, but surely, I'll die in the next 50 years.

[agatha]

hmm.. firsts hurt. a lot. but I've been there too (as many others), and can say you'll survive it ^^

 

cheaters sucks so much... I've been cheated on by the only one guy I ever really considered marrying (luckily found out before accepting), and I felt like going crazy. what was worse: she was shorter, fatter and had a dumb look in her eyes. I could not find at all what she had to attract him, as he was obsessive about good shape and all. I came to the conclusion that he, in fact, was as young and insecure as me, and didn't have the faintest idea of what he really wanted/needed, so kept clinging to the model he created in his head, until it was no longer useful. sounds psycho enough to suit him X D

 

something I came to learn is that it doesn't matter if you wait years or go with the first opposite sex creature that crosses your path: odds are the same for a happy or sad ending. what usually is useful from sad endings is you get to know what you don't want in your next relationships ; )

 

50 years to die? how old are you?

[pushforward]

The 50 year old reference was a joke. I just turned 21. Yes, I know there is more life ahead of me. Yes, there is probably more heart break in front of me. I really thought I found the one person I could spend the rest of my life with on the first shot, because I thought I made a good choice. Didn't rush into things, very compatible, had two different lives. Gave each other freedom and space, just don't get it and not trying to get it anymore.

 

What bothers me, is everybody is just telling me to go out there and be a man wh*re. I can't do that. I tried sleeping with another girl, made out with a few different girls. None of it feels right. So I'm staying away from dating until I get that feeling from somebody else. Just going to sort my life out, deal with my pain and be on my merry way.

 

I'm too damn sensitive for my own good.

[BlueEyedBoy]

Hi push forward,

 

the question I have for you is how much do you think about her?

 

You see, a broken heart is actually all in the mind but importantly, it is a wound like any other. And like any other kind of wound it won't heal unless it's left alone.

 

I too was cheated on and dumped so I understand how agonizingly painful this type of breakup can be. I also have been in NC for 2 months but the breakup is no longer hurting me. The girl I was with for nearly 5 years. Sure i still have my little moments when I miss her but im not in any pain over her.

 

I got over her by not letting her have any part in my life at all, Even in my mind. At first I had to force myself to stop thinking about her by thinking about something else when ever she drifted into my thoughts. It can be anything that will take your mind elsewhere but the more interesting to you the better.

 

Now it just comes naturally, infact until I came on here and read your post and it remimded me of everything that happened, I hadn't thought about my ex at all today. But even now that I do, I'm not bothered by it as she doesn't matter to me anymore.

 

Bottom line, Think about anything exept your ex.

 

Good luck, Hope this helps

[pushforward]

She consumes my thoughts for a majority of the day. I don't get this obsessive thought pattern. Sure, I can distract myself, but like a magnet, I go back to it. I distract myself some more and then I'm back at the same point. Trying to force myself to not think about it, well makes me think about it more. I just let the thoughts come and go, I do best as I can to manage it. I don't get this, I don't get myself. I'm hung up on something that should be so easy to drop.

[mr_m4x]

She consumes my thoughts for a majority of the day. I don't get this obsessive thought pattern. Sure, I can distract myself, but like a magnet, I go back to it. I distract myself some more and then I'm back at the same point. Trying to force myself to not think about it, well makes me think about it more. I just let the thoughts come and go, I do best as I can to manage it. I don't get this, I don't get myself. I'm hung up on something that should be so easy to drop.

 

Well I'm on your very same situation.

 

It's been a little more than 3 months since my breakup and all I have to do is just erase her from my thoughts but guess what... I can't. I do all the things you detail, distract myself and all that but eventually she comes back to my mind.

 

And it's not only me, life likes to play a little joke or 2 on me. Look at this example... Last thursday I was in my car with a girl, there's something between us but I don't know what it is. We were arriving at a friend's house to drop some things off. As I parked my car, my friend approached, said hello to me and then he saw her, he also knew her but he couldn't remember her name and he just used the first name that came off his head, guess whose name he said? EXACTLY! My ex's name! OMFG! Can you believe that!?!?!?!?!?

 

It's not easy, it shouldn't be this hard. I wish it'd go away really fast!

[pushforward]

That doesn't sound good.

 

I tried napping these feelings off at lunch, I wake up sporadically. My first thought is asking God to help ease the pain. Actually, that's my thought every time I wake up. It hurts that bad, instead of my first thought of missing her, I've trained myself to ask God to help me through this. Sounds pretty bad doesn't it?

 

I feel light headed and sick, I can't wait to go home and sleep. Take some medicine and crash.

 

Debating if I want to go to the gym today. I don't know if it's a good idea, I think I may be catching a fever. I kind of just want to sleep and never wake up. Well, not until I've been healed any ways. I'm a mess right now. How the heck do I sort my life and move on from this?

[agatha]

I was joking too : )

 

and also know much of what I said is being overstated time and again, but the obvious must be brought about so we can eventually accept it ^^

 

turning into a man***** will make no one no good. I listen to it as well every time I break up (in spite of being a girl - that's what having too many guy friends does to one), and keep on my tracks. it's great that you know what you want from life. guys like you keep up my hopes in a brighter future for the global female population.

 

but as BEB said, it's not trying to not think about her, it's trying to think about _anything_ BUT her. (great point in there, btw. makes the whole difference)

 

hope you're feeling less bad by tomorrow ^^

[pushforward]

I was joking too : )

 

and also know much of what I said is being overstated time and again, but the obvious must be brought about so we can eventually accept it ^^

 

turning into a man***** will make no one no good. I listen to it as well every time I break up (in spite of being a girl - that's what having too many guy friends does to one), and keep on my tracks. it's great that you know what you want from life. guys like you keep up my hopes in a brighter future for the global female population.

 

but as BEB said, it's not trying to not think about her, it's trying to think about _anything_ BUT her. (great point in there, btw. makes the whole difference)

 

hope you're feeling less bad by tomorrow ^^

 

 

Me too, I'm hurting right now. Looking for some help or relief. I can't wait until I have one full day, where she is not in my mind at all.

[Ellie2006]

Hi. Just one question: what do you think you're bothered by more (although I do understand that it might be difficult to separate the two) -- are you bothered MORE by the break-up OR by the betrayal?

 

I think it may be helpful to try and separate the two and deal with each issue separately.

 

Just a thought.

 

Take care and hang in there!

[pushforward]

Hi. Just one question: what do you think you're bothered by more (although I do understand that it might be difficult to separate the two) -- are you bothered MORE by the break-up OR by the betrayal?

 

I think it may be helpful to try and separate the two and deal with each issue separately.

 

Just a thought.

 

Take care and hang in there!

 

I think the breakup hurts me the most. The betrayal is just an added bonus.

I don't know of it's a separate issue, when it has to do with one person, me.

[Ellie2006]

I think the breakup hurts me the most. The betrayal is just an added bonus.

I don't know of it's a separate issue, when it has to do with one person, me.

 

Yes, of course. I thought, however, that dealing with a breakup is a bit different than dealing with a breakup + the betrayal factor.

 

The betrayal factor (although it was inflicted onto you) has very little to do with you, in a sense. It has more to do with the type of person she is.

 

I understand that knowing/accepting this may not be very comforting right now BUT hopefully, in the long run, this knowledge will come in handy.

 

You said that you were considering medication; have you considered consulting a therapist instead? AND finally, please do not let anyone make you feel funny about still trying to resolve your emotions regarding the breakup. There is no expiration date to emotions and you should take all the time that you need without having to feel like you need to justify your actions.

 

Good luck.

[pushforward]

Yes, of course. I thought, however, that dealing with a breakup is a bit different than dealing with a breakup + the betrayal factor.

 

The betrayal factor (although it was inflicted onto you) has very little to do with you, in a sense. It has more to do with the type of person she is.

 

I understand that knowing/accepting this may not be very comforting right now BUT hopefully, in the long run, this knowledge will come in handy.

 

You said that you were considering medication; have you considered consulting a therapist instead? AND finally, please do not let anyone make you feel funny about still trying to resolve your emotions regarding the breakup. There is no expiration date to emotions and you should take all the time that you need without having to feel like you need to justify your actions.

 

Good luck.

 

I've been in therapy for 2 - 3 months now. Probably go once every 3 weeks. I'm debating about medication because I think I can tough it out. I don't want to be reliant or addicted. What if something major happens, I go back to the pill? I'm giving this a year's time. If nothing changes, I'll hop on the medication. I know the betrayal has nothing to do with me, but it hurts because I really did give it my all and it's sad that I have to cut this person out of my life. The person I thought I could build a future with. The hurt confuses me.

[Ellie2006]

I think one thing to keep in mind is that the hurt and the confusion will ebb and flow, until they fade kind of like a distant memory. They will pop up out of nowhere, from time to time but you do learn to deal with it much better as time passes, I think.

 

For now, imho, you should focus on the positives. NC is very hard and I think you should definitely pat yourself on the back for sticking to it for 2 months.

[pushforward]

I think one thing to keep in mind is that the hurt and the confusion will ebb and flow, until they fade kind of like a distant memory. They will pop up out of nowhere, from time to time but you do learn to deal with it much better as time passes, I think.

 

For now, imho, you should focus on the positives. NC is very hard and I think you should definitely pat yourself on the back for sticking to it for 2 months.

 

NC isn't so hard anymore. It's the thought and feelings is what is driving me nuts. I understand that breaking NC will hurt me and get me no where. I got to the point of hurt, where I decided enough is enough. She obviously didn't care and nothing is going to change her mind. She's made her choice and it's time I started to make mine.

 

I try to focus on the positive, it's the feelings that I have for her that keep dragging me down. I'm not blaming her in any way, this is all self inflicted, I know that much. It's not being able to fix it, is what is driving me insane.

[pushforward]

Just posting before going to bed. Scared of sleeping and what dreams may come. Wanting to wake up to a better tomorrow, a tomorrow without pain and tears. I swear something is wrong with me! This pain bothers me so much. Today has been one of the longest days in my life. I feel insignificant and small. Like I have no meaning in life. I'm trying to find my way and be okay.

 

My heart hurts. More than it's been in awhile. Off to bed to feel the burn and another day in war with myself. Getting over love is hard.