trying to stay nc - any encouragement would be amazing!

[lolisa]

hey all,

so... its been a rough month. breakup story in a nutshell: he broke up with me on our one year anniversary after giving me flowers, candlelit dinner he made, making me a card, dancing to candlelight in the kitchen, champagne, sex the works. in fact it was immediately after sex that he stormed from the room for no reason, when i asked him what was wrong he said 'i don't love you, i can't pretend anymore'. essentially this was straight out of the blue with zero warning signs. of course i was so devastated - i thought we were both madly in love, as that was the front he gave off. it was all very confusing. but after that night i have not called, texted or emailed even though its been very very hard for me. we were such good friends [well, i thought!] and he called me almost everyday for a year.

but he has started sending random emails and i can't understand what the point of them are... and its irritating me because i start to be ok, i start to not think of him and then i check my email and i see his name and it makes me go through the whole cycle all over again.

anyone please tell me what on earth you think is his deal? is he just feeling guilty??? i just don't understand what he wants.

 

this is the first email he sent me a week after he broke up with me [i didn't believe any of it, i thought he was just trying to assuage his own guilt. i don't see how its in MY best interest at all for him to tell me all that right after sex on our one year anniversary. i think he was only thinking of himself]

 

re read this

dear lisa

 

i feel terrible about the way i treated you and i am truly sorry. i have been thinking about our relationship, trying to figure out what happened. i feel awful about how i ended it and especially about not expressing my feelings and just snapping. for the past few weeks i was finding that i was starting to be more rude to you not listening as much and was being less respectful. i was becoming a jerk and feeling trapped. i was expressing feelings i did not feel trying not to hurt yours. on the night of our anniversary i realized this and hated myself. i realized that i was only hurting your feelings worse. i never wanted to hurt you. you really are the best girlfriend ever you need to be with someone that loves you as much as you love them. my emotions are too immature and juvinille, i am still not ready, hopefully i can grow up. i hope this makes sense i am not very good at expressing myself with words. if you would like to talk email me back or

call. i hope you are well

 

email 2: [3 weeks later]

re: dexter

hey hope you are well and having a merry christmass. i found dexter season three thought you might like it. you can find it here:

 

 

 

[we watched every episode of dexter together, why on earth would i want to watch it now when it reminds me of 'us'???? ]

 

email 3 [1 week later, today]:

re new year

wishing you a very happy new year filled with wealth and luck and good health.

 

 

why is he sending me these??? he doesn't say 'i miss you', or 'i hope you're ok' or 'im sorry'. just this dumb crap!! i dont want to call him or wonder about him or miss him!!! i think they just make me more angry! i guess i just have no idea of what is behind these emails - maybe nothing is. i don't want to read into them but they're just adding to a confusing situation.

 

still, i'm feeling tempted to pick up the phone and i just don't want to open that door. i know it will only make me feel worse.

 

any advice would be so greatly appreciated - thank you all for being so kind and supportive. if i hadn't found this site, i would for sure have broken nc a million times over before now.

[Applewhite]

I can already tell fromt he way you write and think that you are very strong! Stronger than a lot of us. And you are also very wise. You see that the messages are pointless and don't get hopeful about it when there is indeed no hope. Think about how contacting him will affect you regardless of what you or he says. This is a man who does not love you. He has been rude, dishonest and probably many other things... Who cares what the purpose of the messages are. You should keep focusing on YOU. Him and the memories were a lie. You need to find something real and meaningful and forget the loser. Contacting him will just postpone you finding happiness. It is YOU that is important.

 

Sounds like you are already on the right track and smarter than a lot of us. Kudos to you. Good luck. Don't get weak. We have faith in you!

[savignon]

Opening that door will definitely make you feel worse. If you want to, send an email saying, "You were right when you said I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them and thank you for letting me know it wasn't you so that I could move on. Please don't contact me anymore." Or, block his email (is that possible?). You don't need to hear from him or make him feel better about what he did. He probably wants to make himself feel better by knowing you don't hate him.

[lolisa]

thank you so much guys... thats what they're about right? he just feels guilty i guess. i won't lie, there was/is a tiny part of me [beyond my control lol] that had hope that maybe they meant something else - like that he missed me or had regret or something. man o man. its tough to be 'strong'. i keep trying, but i do miss him every single day. i hate that i do, but i have to just 'feel the feelings' like everyone says on here. its the only way to move forward.

thank you both so much for helping, really means a lot to me.

[Elsewhere]

Hi, sorry about all this.

 

I'm in a similar situation and - unlike you - I'm kind of living in denial not really believing it's over.

 

What has been helping me keeping NC is keeping myself mad busy - literally I'm so exhausted when I get home I pass out instantly. I wake up and run again.

That benefits me two ways: 1. I obviously have no time to overanalyse and sometimes I even manage to take my focus away from him lol. 2. I get my life going: I get my things done, new jobs (I'm a freelancer), no more skipping the gym, finally took the French lessons etc.

 

And try going out on dates - sounds ridiculous but made me realize that my ex is really not the only fantastic guy in the world!

[Clabs]

Hey Lolisa

 

Goodness knows why they do this? As Savignon says, maybe to relieve their guilt that you don't hate them for treating you so shoddily.

 

In your own words, his messages are just dumb crap. I would mark his email as junk so they don't set you back any more. That way, you can focus on you, without his crappy messages to set you back.

 

You have to take control of your life and this is the first step.

 

Mark