question to men

[looloolola]

I have a question, mainly to men, If your gf conplained about your lack of affection and calls/dates, would you try to fix it and try to make her happy or would you basically get sick of it and tell her if she doesnt like it to leave? If you really loved her you would try to change right? Any advice would be greatly appreicated also read this please vvvv

 

I just wanted to know if it was normal to feel this way. My and my bf have broken up three times now. This is the third and I always feel guilt that if I was funnier, smarter, had a better personality, a better body, nicer hair that it wouldnt have happened. I have this bad habit of blaming my self for it all. The first two times he broke up with me kind of sporadically and his reasons were im not spontaneous enough or etc..,but he would come back about a month later, saying he didnt mean it and it was a mistake and he loved me. This last time it was because I felt that he put in barely any effort to see me or call me, so we got into an argument about it, I complained about his lack of effort and we havent spoken in 3 weeks. So I guess you could say this last break up was somewhat him dumping me. But anyways so I just feel the reasons he breaks up with me is my fault because I think if I was good enough he would have stayed with me. Is this normal?

[Sn0man]

If I was getting complaints and I was interested in maintaining the relationship, i'd make the effort. His breaking up with you rather than putting that effort in should be a sign to you that he is not worth your time or effort.

 

You shouldn't be blaming yourself here, as it is obvious from your post that it is him that is to blame.

[Himynamesbob]

i wish my gf would have complained... instead she just held it in and left me for someone else

[Jester1586]

I'd make the effort to change, but I'd also talk to her about it. Just because I don't call you three times a day and talk for hours on end every night, doesn't mean I love you any less. You need to understand that. I've had this happen to me, and I even broke up with her over it, she seemed way to clingy, but I never explained my side of it to her. We eventually got back together, and I explained my side to her, and we stayed together for a long time. This time she dumped me. Hopefully we reconnect again.

[Casey13]

Fix it if you want the realtionship to work

[Sturmhouse]

I just got dumped for those very reasons. Part of the reason I didn't do those things is because I don't like to feel vulnerable, the other part is I was led to believe that it was OK NOT to do them, that she was perfectly happy that way.

 

Now that I've been dumped, I learned REAL quick how to be vulnerable and express my true feelings, and I would totally put the effort into doing those things now that I know they make her happy. Just wish I had the damn chance! Working on it, though.

 

My advice: you will get NOWHERE without communication. With guys, it requires explicit, specific communication. Not a hint, not a subtle comment - you need to sit his ass down and say "____, this is a serious issue for me, it makes me feel ______ and ______, I'd like you to work on it so I can have my needs met, will you try please?"

[crab62]

If I was getting complaints and I was interested in maintaining the relationship, i'd make the effort. His breaking up with you rather than putting that effort in should be a sign to you that he is not worth your time or effort.

 

You shouldn't be blaming yourself here, as it is obvious from your post that it is him that is to blame.

 

bingo! if he cares about you and wants the relationship, of course he would want to try. i mean if it's been years or months of trying for "big" things like alcoholism or drugs or spending, then i could see not wanting to try again and again and again.

 

but for small issues like attentiveness and caring, that's minimal. if he can't handle having to work on that, well then you are better off that he is gone. cause the last thing you want is someone who has no regard for your feelings and expects you to just "tolerate" it.

 

he left like my exbf left... because they're too lazy and not interested in making it work. he probably wants a "teddy"... a pretty trophy girl to have on his arm with no needs or wants or desires. sorry you are human, and you deserve a man who is human... one who understands emotions.

 

a girlfriend put it like this to me

"They don't want to share about them because after all, they don't want our input. That would make us individuals to be reckoned with. Instead, we are trophies to be stroked and polished when desired and set back on the shelf when not desired. Certainly they don't want a trophy or teddy bear talking back to them during the period we are supposed to be on the shelf."

 

you are plenty good enough... you just need to find a guy who's "good" enough for you... cause cleary he wasn't...

[twrtwn]

This is all so true! I have been with this exact man! You are so right how it plays out!

[abitbroken]

I have a question, mainly to men, If your gf conplained about your lack of affection and calls/dates, would you try to fix it and try to make her happy or would you basically get sick of it and tell her if she doesnt like it to leave? If you really loved her you would try to change right? Any advice would be greatly appreicated also read this please vvvv

 

I am not a dude..but i will answer anygow

 

I just wanted to know if it was normal to feel this way. My and my bf have broken up three times now. This is the third and I always feel guilt that if I was funnier, smarter, had a better personality, a better body, nicer hair that it wouldnt have happened. I have this bad habit of blaming my self for it all. The first two times he broke up with me kind of sporadically and his reasons were im not spontaneous enough or etc..,but he would come back about a month later, saying he didnt mean it and it was a mistake and he loved me. This last time it was because I felt that he put in barely any effort to see me or call me, so we got into an argument about it, I complained about his lack of effort and we havent spoken in 3 weeks. So I guess you could say this last break up was somewhat him dumping me. But anyways so I just feel the reasons he breaks up with me is my fault because I think if I was good enough he would have stayed with me. Is this normal?

 

I am recovering from my own codependent behavior so i recognize it. If your inner dialogue is about "if only I was smarter, funnier, had a better body..." then that is a sign of it. When in your mind you find yourself wanting to be a different person so someone would love you or hug you more, than you are compromising yourself.

 

You DO have a good enough body, are smart enough, and are funny enough for him because he was attracted to you initially and was in a relationship with you. A good body can turn someone's head and make someone notice someone but it does NOT entice someone into a relationship. The question is: are you comfortable with YOU??? Through this process I have learned what parts/qualities about me are darn good and if those qualities don't appeal to someone, then it doesn't mean I have to "work on myself". It means we just may not be compatible.

 

I am saying this to you because I have noticed you are doing the "only ifs" on things that you have no control over like a better (what's better anyways) body, or other physical things. If you had said "if only I had been more honest, or made more time for him" or something like that, then I would have said you were honestly looking at things you could have done differently.

 

You cannot change ANYONE, only yourself.

 

My husband started to complain before he left me that I was not affectionate enough towards him like I used to be. The thought didn't enter his mind that it was darn hard feeling like being affectionate when I was being yelled at, criticized, had my boundaries violated by his family on a daily basis, and also had a few nutritional deficiencies that contributed to my lack of energy.

 

So, unless there is a problem such as your boyfriend having depression, or some other issue that causes him to have a drop in affection, or you have not been particularly clingy lately (this pushing him away), the only diagnosis I have is that the two of you weren't compatible to begin with.

 

Start loving yourself - you should let him go. He may come back to you, he may not. But the more confident and solid you are, the better it will be next time in your next relationship with or without him.

[Pandaman211]

Yeah, guys are definitely more laid back and some just like to chill. But if my gf was complaining about that, I would definitely start making more of an effort, not necessarily change, but I think when you like/love someone that much its not much changing/effort to start calling more and going on more dates. Our minds wander a lot and we get caught up in stuff, so just bc he didn't doesn't necessarily mean he didn't/doesn't love you like he use to, he could just be caught up in other stuff

[happy2121]

I'd make the effort to change, but I'd also talk to her about it. Just because I don't call you three times a day and talk for hours on end every night, doesn't mean I love you any less. You need to understand that. I've had this happen to me, and I even broke up with her over it, she seemed way to clingy, but I never explained my side of it to her. We eventually got back together, and I explained my side to her, and we stayed together for a long time. This time she dumped me. Hopefully we reconnect again.

 

Jester - how did you get back together originally? You broke up with her and what did she do?