QUESTION ABOUT THE "NO CONTACT" RULE!

[DJHIPHOP]

Well, i was wondering well the "no contact" rule means not getting in touch with ur girlfriend, via email, telephone, text messaging, and not seeing her in person, right!! well, lets say you're doing all this right, im getting hurt, but what i want to know is if u do this "no contact" rule, isnt ur girl going to start to forget about you, or what? i really dont know much about this so hopefully some of you out there can provide me with the facts!! hope to hear from u soon

[Michael2]

I was thinking the same thing when I initially began the infamous "NO CONTACT".

 

In fact, the no contact, makes the other party wonder more about you. Its not definite and it is far from a sience. But, most of the time, the other party begins to miss what you had to offer. They will begin to question what happened and if they made the correct decision.

 

 

They can't forget about you. Especially if it was long loving relationship. They are experiencing similiar emotions when it comes to the breakup.

 

Keep with the no contact, no matter how difficult it will be. Good luck

[vfunkera]

Hey Djhiphop,

 

I used to think the same things when i first broke up with my ex. Infact, it was the reason i chased her so much to parties and clubs and stuff for almost 3 months! Doubts that she will forget about me and flirt with other guys. That i needed to stay around for her to keep me in mind. I also kept reading into little things, which i have no doubts everyone has done during this period, so yea i was where you are.

 

The sooner you start no contact the better, because the break up will be fresh and still in both your minds. The sooner you decide to move on, the sooner she will want to come back. Its that simple my friend, and its the truth. Don't believe me?, Try it, give it a 2 week trial at least. If she hasn't contacted you by then, you can have a refund, but by then you will be moving on so fast and noticing it that you won't want a refund. Guarenteed!

 

I will give you a sample of what happened when i decided to leave her alone. After the break up i decided to leave this girl alone because she was no longer invloved with me. Don't get me wrong- at the time i would have died for her, but i left her alone for after she split. The very next day she messaged me out of the blue asking how i was. I didn't think anything of it then, but now when i look back it was because i had gave her the impression that i wasn't really effected.

 

Another occasion lasted only 3 weeks! I went 3 weeks of ignoring her- and may i add -her ignoring me- everyday on msn, and went one week not even signing in. When i came back on i had a gut feeling she was missing me, and after signing on for half an hour (she was on line too), she couldn't hold it and contacted me.

 

Thats facts on my behalf. Im currently fully engaged in 'No contact' and can't give you any results, but thats because i have not allowed any results or any opportunity to hear from her, i have no doubts that she is thinking of me though. But i will tell you that you will heal at full speed during no contact- which also means implies that you avoid her and her presense in any shape or form (ie msn) at all costs!

 

Good luck

[DJHIPHOP]

Well, i was wondering about that, you know!! i thought by doing the "no contact" rule, i started to think about, u know is she going to forget about me!! i mean i was with her for over 2 years!! i honestly dont want to move on without her, because we want to get married and all that good stuff!!

so the "no contact" rule should work, right? another question is that does the "no contact" rule apply if lets say ur girlfriend is seeing some other guy or what? hope to hear from u people soon

[DealingWithIt]

ur girlfriend won't forget about u believe me...even if she's seeing some other guy. she'll initiate contact with you because she's going to think about what you are up to, etc. if things with her current guy are not going well, she'll be more likely to call you up to talk.

[disEnchantid]

hi

I don't know about that, it has been about two months since I last saw/spoke to my ex and he hasn't contacted me at all. I guess this is good though, because it helps you move on right? If someone does not try and contact you, what does that mean?

[spatzcolumbo]

Another thing with no contact - how long is too long before you start 'no contact'?? I mean if the break up is kinda drawn out over a month or so - where you do little chunks of no contact (say a week) then see each other again, then another week. If this is the case for 4-6 weeks, and then you really enforce no contact, can it still have the same effect as if you had started no contact immediately after breaking up?

[DJHIPHOP]

i was wondering well, its like i said if u do the "no contact" rule, will she forget about me or what? i dont want that to happen because i want to be with her!! also, if i dont contact her in anyway, u dont think she's going to say that i forgot about her and i found someone or what? please help

[vfunkera]

hey guys,

 

Just reading a lot of what everyone is saying brings back a lot of memories of when i was in your places. I have learned a lot since then, so heres from my experience, read on if you want to benefit.

 

The purpose of No Contact is firstly to heal you. You are number 1, not them. By taking them out of the picture, you can now concentrate on yourself. This is why you must stop thinking about them. The more you think of them, the more questions and thoughts will just keep rising in your mind, so stop thinking of them and start thinking of you. Keep yourself busy with favorite hobbies, feel the pain inside and whenever your mind starts to drift towards them, think of something else. Quickly.

 

In the process of healing, you will also do more good then harm in getting them back. They are convinced that you are going to chase them or pin for them. When you don't and actually stay away, your ex starts to feel regret and this WILL provoke a contact to you. Thats what you want, right? UNDERSTAND, however that this is not priority, whats important is for you to move on, and thats why you are doing this. Don't feel disappointed that they have not returned (yet)- be happy because it gives more time for you to become less attached off someone who no longer loves you or is commited to you. Them returning is just an added bonus depending on how hard it was for you (i.e. those who start off earliest will find it the hardest, but then they will be most likely to get them back). This is also why the element of a third person in the saga (obviously dating your ex) is not important. Don't worry about them, worry about yourself- YOU, number 1.

 

I hear continuously members asking things like 'so when do i start contact again?', or 'how long?'. The answer is simple- as soon as you feel you have moved on enough so the next time you contact them you won't feel hurt or agony. Until that is possible then you shouldn't stop no contact. This is why it will never work for some people- including me- because when you fall in love, then your unlikely to fall out, and so when ever you see them you will feel pain.

 

Whether its 2 months or 5 months, as long as you are moving on then its no big deal. 2-3 months is how ever the average time when the ex does return. However it can go higher- i remember a member here called Senna who was as depressed at your stage, but he dug in and kept up No contact, and now he is back with his ex after 6 months.

 

Spatzcolumbo, like i said earlier, the sooner you start it the better, because it will br more fresh in both your minds. That is why, yes unfortunately the time you start does make a difference. The later you start, the more healed both of you will be and less provoked you will be and her/him will be to return.

 

On your other point, again like i said earlier, aviod them in whatever shape or form. Whether face-to-face physical meetings, or the two of you watching each other over msn, or simply them or you hearing of their/your whereabouts through mutual friends. Stay Away, this will only further provoke them to contact you, and help you move with out them in the picture. I spent 3 months thinking i was doing no contact, but i was doing exactly what you was, seeing her every weekend and wednesday (same clubs and bars) even though i never even said 'hi', and constantly spying on her (and vice-versa) on msn without ever 'im'-ing each other. It doesn't make a difference, avoid them at all costs.

 

also, if i dont contact her in anyway, u dont think she's going to say that i forgot about her and i found someone or what?

 

Listen to this story DJ. When i was still chasing my ex, I had just written a poem for her and was planning to give it to her one night a few weeks after we broke up. I was praying that by expressing myself she would realise what she threw away. That same night, a really hot girl caught my eye, and she showed interest in me. She was holding my hands and asking me to dance with her. It was so obvious. My ex was there as well. I was confused on whether to go for her or wait for the ex. I thought, 'i give my ex a poem telling her how much i love her, and on the same night i date another girl, what impression does that give her?'

 

i obviously decided to reject this girl and see what the ex thinks of the poem. It was the BIGGEST mistake i had ever made regarding her. I never got a reply from my ex regarding the poem to this very day, and the other girl moved on to another guy. I was left in sorrow and regret and empty handed (to this day). My ex still hasn't found anyone yet, but had i flirted with that girl i would have had my ex back by now.

 

Don't make the same mistakes i did. No contact is God-sent, and until you try it out you will always have doubts. Breeze the ex away and they will miss you- FACT. Good luck

[disEnchantid]

that was a good post vfunkera, but it makes me have another question now. You said the the longer it takes you to start no contact, the less likely your ex will ever recontact you. When my ex broke up with me, he came over about two weeks later for the "stuff exchange" and we hugged goodbye. I said something like "I'm never going to see you again!" (because I was moving back home) and he said something like "probably not" (I don't remember his exact words.) Does this mean that I have ceased to exist for him and he will never even try to contact me again? I don't even know if he still has my phone number at home or not, I had to change my cellphone number when I moved. Also, I changed my IM name and have a new email address (although the old one works, I doubt he would try to email me). I know that in the past, he has gotten in touch with exs even after being separated geographically, but I don't know who contacted who. He even met his girlfriend before me for dinner while we were going out! I suppose it is not constructive for me to be feeling badly that he will likely never contact me, but I can't seem to stop hoping. Any thoughts, suggestions?

[the lonely heart]

Like i said earlier, the sooner you start it the better, because it will br more fresh in both your minds. That is why, yes unfortunately the time you start does make a difference. The later you start, the more healed both of you will be and less provoked you will be and her/him will be to return.

 

Does this mean that if I started no contact after 2 weeks, my chances are slim?

 

On your other point, again like i said earlier, aviod them in whatever shape or form. Whether face-to-face physical meetings, or the two of you watching each other over msn, or simply them or you hearing of their/your whereabouts through mutual friends. Stay Away, this will only further provoke them to contact you, and help you move with out them in the picture.

 

But what if you work together or go to school together or church together? How do you avoid them in whatever shape or form?

[vfunkera]

hey guys,

 

Sorry for the lateness, i've been busy, but i always find time to check on my posts.

 

disenchantid, hoping is only natural and humane. There is no one on this planet who hasn't or won't ever hope that a relationship will resume some time in the future, and equally so read into every little detail they can find and try to twist in their direction and advantage. The memories are a constant pest that are an obstacle towards moving on.

 

What you have done in changing your e-mail address etc is a huge step in the right direction, that even i couldn't bring myself about doing so early in after my break up. Make sure there is a channel open for him to contact you when he can. I would not take his words too seriously because i have heard it all before, and am pretty sure that he will contact you in the future if you keep this up (unless he seriously wanted nothing to do with you). Being more specific, why did he break up with you? All i can tell you is that what you are doing right now will have huge benefits for you, both in terms of him and yourself.

 

'the lonely heart' far from slim! 2 weeks is early! I started after 2 months, and the majority of people here start after 3. 2 weeks is very early- so don't hesitate, the break up will still be in their minds!

 

But what if you work together or go to school together or church together? How do you avoid them in whatever shape or form?

 

I don't know, maybe hide in the toilets or behind the lockers?lool joking, i guess you can't really be out the picture if you go to work and school and church together, somehow i don't see how it will work . These are the times when you must start putting your acting skills into practice. What to do? SMILE AT ALL TIMES, breeze them away and pretend they weren't even part of your life. Try to avoid them and not cross paths, but if you do bump into them, say simply hey, 'how are you, hope your alright, i'm kind of busy so i'll see you later' and walk on!!!!! Whatever you do, don't give them the impression that you are trying to avoid them. Showing them that you are enjoying yourself does the most damage at the dumper.

 

Good luck

[colly]

What if then, you made the break up and made a mistake but are doing the no contact thing.

 

Is there not a fear that, since YOU made the break up, THEY may accept it as what you want.

 

For example, i made a mistake. I have tried, but am not sure if my ex realises the reason for me saying what i did (misery and alcohol at the time) I have told her my reason, that it was a mistake, but i am scared she does not know or fully understand these reasons. But i do not want to contact.

 

I was going to make one last contact, an apology with flowers, but i figures it was indeed contact. How would she miss me if i did this - but then, if i ended it, why would she miss me in the first place?

 

Its a complicated thing

[vfunkera]

hey colly,

 

This is rare round here, usually because those who want back the person they dumped already know what to do. Playing no contact when you dumped them is not the way to go on this at all, because that is used to heal the person who received the shock and pain. Infact to get them back, you must play the complete opposite. You must tell them that you made a mistake, and that you want to give it another shot. Communcation, communication, communication. How is she supposed to guess that you want her back when you dumped her? You must confront her and tell her. Hopefully, the earlier you do this, the better your odds are.

 

If she is willing then she obviously hasn't moved on and you can resume from where you left off. If she decides not to come back, then persuade her two more times- she maybe just keeping her pride. If she still says no, then tough luck, she has moved on and you can't force her to come back, and shouldn't have let her go in the first place. Accept that there is nothing you can do about it, learn from your mistakes to insure that it doesn't happen again and move on to someone better.

 

If you already haven't, write your situation in detail on the board and maybe someone more experienced can help you out! Good luck!

[colly]

THankyou for your reply. My topic is posted under the heading " I did something stupid"

 

But in the meantime, i had a message from her last night

 

It basically said she had got back safe from going out (she knows i worry) and that she hoped i was ok.

 

I see this two ways - i am trying some form of no contact, because when i did contact her at first she was stubborn and just talked about returing all my stuf and i feel she had accepted it.

 

BUT she has done this before.In the end i, on the advice of a friend, called up because i figured it was all very wel and good playing this no contact game but it was doing me NO GOOD whatsoever. And i figured it was me that was more important, so i called, and it actually worked out

 

So it is likely she is doing this again, since i personally do not believe that you give in without a fight, or atleast a question of why the breakup happened, which is what she seems to be up to at the moment.

 

 

On the other hand, maybe she is just being civil to me - but the message clearly shows she is thinking about me.

 

 

Either way, i enver replied to the message. I think if i do i may start asking quaestions and pushing too soon and mess things up..

 

 

As in another post i id query as if to send something on valentines day - but was worried that firstly it may jsut annoy her, and also that me saying sorry could be seen in two ways - both that "sorry it IS over", or, "i am sorry for what i did"

 

This has casued a bit of a concern - i do however have tor eturn some work of hers for a colege project that i was working on - i figured that whatever the outcome, it is only fair to finish this bit of business.

 

I hear what you say

 

You must tell them that you made a mistake, and that you want to give it another shot

 

 

But i think that in doing that , at the moment atleast, she is still hurt and annoyed and "I" think - she wants some space. I was ok for the first few days of all this strangely enough - but now i AM missing her. In some ways i hope this is what is happening on the other side.

 

I thoguht about sending those flowers on valentines day but figured that possibly it is too soon. And you can send flowers on any day - there really needs to be no occasion. She is off college next week, we were supposed to spend the time together

 

So in the meantime i wil send her her work and see what happens.

 

 

I have strongly considered that if SHE wanted to be with ME then she would be getting in touch. For myself, this is somewhat important, as i do not think i should be with someone that does not entirely want to be with me. someone that does not fight for me.

 

This may sound silly, but i think it holds some truth.

 

 

But i do fear she may be too stubborn - or as you say, have too much pride to contact me.

 

I feel somewhat optomistic but am trying not to lure myself into some form of security.

 

What do you think about what i am doing? I mean, i am pretty ure she knows i am sorry.We were suposed to meet at her request but that was put off several times and eventually cancelled as she could not fiugure what we were supposed to talk about. I suggested either us sorting things out or at atleast arraging to return stuff.

 

She responded with all the stuff she owed me - quite harsh. I asked her why so harsh, and she replied with hat she was not trying to be harsh.

I asked for some time , if atleast to apologise. SHe agreed, but not jsut yet as she could not face me.

 

I think she knows i am sorry and want to work it - but last nights message was confusing.

 

 

colly

[vfunkera]

colly,

 

This need to come out plain, clear and simple if it already hasn't (i'm not sure you've told her loud and clear). The more time you spend not saying anything clearly to her, the more time she will have to forget about you. I am usually rambling on about the other end -the dumpee. Time heals, and the more time you spend not telling her the more time she will have to build up a courage and say 'NO'.

 

I personally think she is still into you. She texted you telling you she got home safe. What does that imply? If you are her best friend or something, then maybe that would be an excuse, but she still care about you and the fact that you worry about her, just like when you were together. If she had moved on, then she would not have really considered telling you because you are no longer a part of her life. Also-

 

SHe agreed, but not jsut yet as she could not face me........

I have strongly considered that if SHE wanted to be with ME then she would be getting in touch

 

Am i missing something? She presumes that it is over as you quite rightly said and she now wants to move on, which is why she seems to be engaging 'no contact' in order to move on. BUT she still hasn't moved on yet, so it is VERY LIKELY that she still wants you back in her life. Infact, its almost guarenteed.

 

Again, how is she supposed to guess that you want her back when you dumped her? Colly make your intentions clear. Don't spend you time hanging around, this time is precious. Ring her or text her, and say clearly we need to meet up, because it is about US. Or don't be so vague and come out clean 'I want you back- will you or will you not come back? Yes or No?' Leave it at that. Make sure that you sound like you are only offering it once, and if she says no then that will be the end of it. She won't know unless you tell her loud and clear.

 

Good luck Colly

[colly]

Thankyou once more for your response.

 

I went to see her and told her how i felt.

 

She says she still wants me- she doesnt want to loose me - but it will not work

 

 

I am devastated. THere is nothing more i can say or do

 

She wanted to be friends, but i cannot do that - i will always see her as soemthing more

 

I have to go now, i will write more if just for myself, but someone please respond as i feel so alone right now.

[vfunkera]

I am so sorry colly, but it was the only way to find out, and at least you now know.

 

Its time to move on now and put that in the past. But the last thing you must do is spend your time on your own. Find some friends and get together. Your ex felt exactly the same way you do now when you broke up with her, and she has moved on. You can do it to. Come back when you need ANYTHING.

 

 

[colly]

i can but thank you for your time.

 

I am feeling very low now and am really not sure where to head . i felt like doing something dramatic earlier, but i dont think it would change much,

 

I really feeel bad. Ijust wish things were diferent. i am saying the following because i mean it but i fear also that i am saying it in some vain ope it will get her back

 

i am saying" if if makes you happy to let go - then let go. i i can make you happy by leaving you, then that is the last thing i can do for you"

 

I wish her every luck and that she finds someone who can make her KNOW how i feel right now about her. I say that and i mean it but i think always secretly that i hoped that person was me.

 

I have to let go but i so do not want to. I honestly thought today would end up well. i will write more when it comes, but for now, once more, thankyou .

 

you have all been a pillar of strength for me. Earlier today i say a whole world ahead of me with millons of poeple and lots of oppurtunity. But, for some reason right now, i just feel very alone.

 

goodnight