He got back with his ex.

[getstrong]

Ok here it is. I met this guy last summer, Alan, and we hit it off right away. I told him about my past relationship (which was long over) and he told me about his ex-girlfriend who had broken his heart. At the time we met, they had been broke up for about 3 months.

After about a month of seeing each other alot, I sensed something was wrong. I asked him what was troubling him and he came clean right away and said his ex wanted to get back together and he felt that he just couldn't throw away the 2 1/2 yrs they had spent together. So they decided to give it another shot, who could blame him, I certainly couldn't.

Although I was real upset, we parted ways on a nice note. But it was still hard to deal with. A new relationship yanked from me and it was still so fresh and new.

Now I didn't know I was dealing with someone who played by the rules but Alan did when it came to his ex. He made her wait out getting back together. All the while, we were still seeing each other on a daily or every other day basis. He wanted to be friends with me but still seemed to care tons about me and told me he even had some serious feelings for me but he was confused. UGH!

Now this has been going on for approx 5 months of seeing each other and occasionally sleeping together. Now I've started to fall in love with him, but he's now back together with her. BUT it seems as if they never spend quality time together, he is alot of the time with me and when he isn't I usually know what he's doing. He's only unaccounted for a few times a week. Plus she never is with him on key dates, for example, his bday, New Years, Xmas, etc. It seems as if she blows him off alot. I KNOW not my problem but I care about him so it makes me mad.

Finally for the past 5 days I've applied the No Contact Rule with him and finally cut things off for good.

I guess I'm looking for input from anyone on if they think his relationship with her will survive. And if they don't and he comes back to me, should I accept that I'm 2nd best? He really seems to care about me and is genuinely a sweetheart that I could see myself with for years to come.

Anyone's thoughts? This hasn't been an easy 5 months.

[lizzie]

I'm kind of in the same situation except that I am the Ex. He spends more time with me than he does with the current girl friend (especially on traditional date nights), but always reminds me that he has a girl friend. I do not contact him - it is always him calling or stopping over....I don't get it and it's been almost a year. I have been playing the good friend, but am considering making myself more unavailable and mysterious.....who knows.

[neallo82288]

Both of you girls need to open your eyes and see the light. These guys are using you for nothing more than sex and you need to see that. They have g/f and you seem to want a relationship with him. WHY?

 

Get strong you are doing the right thing in no contact, but you are doing it for the wrong reasons. This guy is a dead horse and you should stop beating this dead horse. He isn't worth the time you talk to him. Leave him out of your heart. I know that it hurts to think of it like that but for your sanity you must. The no contact is a good step forward, but you must move on and get him out of your system. Yes, he will call you, but you must see that he might do this again. JUst see that he could possibly do this again and you know that he probably will then you will know that a relationship with him is out of the question.

 

Lizzie, I strongly urge you to do the no caontact for the reasons that i have giving get strong.

 

Both of you women must see that there are guys out there like me who would never do these things that these guys are doing to you. It is not fair to either of you to continue your ways.

 

Sorry if I was a little harsh, but sometimes harshness is the best way to say something.

 

Hope I helped either or both of you,

Neallo

[getstrong]

Neallo,

 

I appreciate the advice. As for being harsh that's ok, I think that's what people like me and Lizzie need to hear. I did realize what you said here although I feel he wasn't doing this just to sleep with me (half the time I was seducing him and I was even rejected alot) but maybe since you are a guy you would know better than I. Believe me I did not rule out that reason for awhile. So I could sit here and try to convince you but I won't because it could very well be true.

As far as doing the No contact rule for the wrong reasons, I'm NOT doing it for the wrong reasons. I cut him off.....we're finished and I can start to get back on with my life, why would this be the wrong reason?? Pls explain.

I am now on the road to feeling better about myself but it still hurts alot. I guess when you feel like you click with someone its hard to know you won't be with them. But with each day I am trying harder and harder.

I do not plan on contacting him and if he does call I do not plan on answering or responding. I know I can be strong like this. I just have to keep telling myself positive things.

thx.

 

Lizzie,

Be strong and you can get through this. I tried playing the friend role too and it doesn't work. They are ok with being friends with you, but we of course have feelings for them and want more. It does not get easier. You should start to apply the NO CONTACT rule as soon as possible so you can start your road to recovery.

Good luck with it, find it in yourself to let go. Now go on and get on with your life, don't let it pass you by.

[neallo82288]

You said :

input from anyone on if they think his relationship with her will survive. And if they don't and he comes back to me, should I accept that I'm 2nd best?

 

That is what made me think that your were doing the no contact thing just to make him come back to you.

 

If you are moving on with your life I am glad. Go out and do things that will make your stronger. Comedy clubs are a good place to relieve stress. Time heals all. Keep up the no contact and sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about things and have made the decision that you are not and should never be second best. You are the best you can be and if he can't see that then you have done the right thing.

 

Neallo

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

Don't let this happen to you. He is being disrespectful to . He is holding out a crumb of hope to you, and just using you as an insurance policy. And he has the damn cheek to admit it, too. He's quite blatantly telling you you're not first choice, but still having sex with you. He's not even doing you the courtesy of PRETENDING it's you he really wants.

 

 

You have to make a decision, and stick to it, that the offer is CLOSED. He has made his choice, and it wasn't you. He doesn't get to treat you like that, & then come back for another go. He's also, incidentally, being unfair to the other woman, too, so you're getting a pretty good insight into what kind of a guy he is. He's holding their relationship in contempt - & contacting exes, on the side?. She has no better deal than you. (Dismiss any thoughts that she has everything YOU wanted - he's treating her like dirt as well, only she hasn't seen the light yet.

[getstrong]

Wow that was deep, little bird. It was like a double slap in the face, just what I need these days.

 

You are right, he made a choice and it wasn't me. (Good statement, it actually inspired me)

As days go by, I realize how wrong someone did me, it was just hard to realize when he was coming over and saying the things I want to hear.

 

The only thing is I think she does the same thing to him. Like seeing other people so maybe they will work out in their own strange way. I know I don't want to be involved in that triangle anymore though.

 

Joining this message board has been good therapy, thx for your input, I appreciate it!

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

I hope it works out for you I really do. But you must not sleep with him whilst he is with his ex for all the reasons I stated. Maybe if he leaves her and chooses you then you could date him slooowly, but don't under any circumstances let him walk all over your feelings and disregard what you deserve from a relationship. That was my mistake and take it from me...they don't respect you for it.

 

Just be strong. You DON'T have to stop loving him, but loving someone doesn't mean letting them walk all over you. And sometimes, loving someone means NOT giving in to just whatever they want, because you realise it's not helping them. Arguably, if you REALLY want to help him and stay his friend , the kindest thing you could do would be to stay away.

 

Little_bird

[teddybear]

If he really loves you then he would'nt keep running back and forth between the two of you. What you need to do is give him an ultimatum, he's telling you one thing and telling her another. If he really loves you and you say he spends most of his time with you then, you have to make him choose don't let him have his cake and eat it too. Always make yourself first, never second he will respect you more for that, and if he does'nt then somebody else will.

[getstrong]

Thanks for the inspirational post Teddy, I appreciate it. I am now going on my 7th day with no contact whatsoever and I will NOT be speaking with or seeing him.

It's still hard but I keep telling myself time heals all wounds and I'll get through this.

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

I know she treats him the same. It seems to me like he is using you to feed his ego and make himself feel good so that he can take this confidence and go after the other woman. He probs chases her because she is a little unattainable in a way..d'y'know what I mean?

[lizzie]

You don't know how much help you all have been. Although we have been split up for a year - I have moved forward so much reading these posts. It's been 8 days since any contact - I feel great.

 

Every thing that has been said is so true. In a way our individual relationships that we think are different than everyone elses are all cut with the same cookie cutter!

 

It's all in attitude. I've had a great week.

 

By the way.....my relationship with the ex is totally non-sexual since May.

[getstrong]

Little bird,

You're absolutely right, he is getting from me what he lacks from her. She seems to blow him off alot which is probably why he is with me alot.

It's so easy for me to see the right thing to do but actually going through with it is the hard part.

 

Lizzie,

I agree this site has helped me tons too! I've been going through this back and forth with him for nearly 6 months now. It's been 8 days NO CONTACT (seems like 8 yrs) for me also, and while there have been times I would have liked to break down and call him, I will NOT. I will stay strong and I hope you do the same. Since we're both on our 8 day mark, we might as well see how long we can both keep this up. By the time we realize how long its been, we'll be over it and moved on.

Pls let me know of your progress.........keep up the good work and thx for your post!

[getstrong]

Ok I just got home from the bar, a little buzzed and I still hve NOT called when i usually would have by now. Big pat on the back.

Sorry my drunk butt just needed to tell of yet another accomplishment.

[little_bird_in_a_cage]

good for you....well done!

[friendly advice]

Ok, I have to start off by saying, "All of your advice, has been great advice!" I have been following the replies on this topic, which happens to be written by my best friend. She told me about this site the other day. I found her message and began reading.

BF

I want you to know, I am proud of you for being strong through this. You have so much to offer someone. You are beautiful and caring; simply all around great person. You do not need to be second choice to anyone. You are to good of a person, to let someone treat you this way. I know this is hard, but your doing the best thing for yourself.

 

Guess what, when Emily decides to dump him. He is going to look back and slap himself! He let the best thing go. Eventually, he will realize he made the wrong decision. And you'll have moved on with your life, when he is left with no one. Hee hee

 

You are doing a great job, so stick to it. If you feel the need to text, text me. You know I will always be here for you, best friend no matter what. So smile, think about all the fun we have. If left up to me, you'll be over him in no time.

 

Thank you everyone for giving such good advice, and support to my best friend. BF keep up the good work!!

[lizzie]

Well he called twice on Friday. I didn't take either call. I'd love to be a little bird and see what he is thinking.... It actually made me feel good to look at the phone - see who it was and not answer!!

[getstrong]

Lizzie,

 

Good job for not answering! You just gave yourself the upper hand

I wouldn't call him back if I were you. If its important, he'll find a way to get a msg to you. Remember: Today marks our 9th day NO CONTACT!

Mine hasn't called me but he said he wouldn't anymore at my request. Who knows if he will or not, by that time I'll be over it and realize I don't want to be someone's 2nd best anyway.

Keep up the good work, we can make it to day 10!

[luckystar]

Hi.....I am on day 40 of no contact....my ex contacted me on day 28....it is still really really hard.....more difficult than any challenge I have ever taken on in my life....(i am 32)......so stay strong....you can do it.....i almost gave in on day 12 and day 36......but one thing i realized today at the gym was....when people say...."fight for her" "dont give up on getting her back".....i realized by doing no contact.....that it is in itself the actual "not giving up" and "fighting for her"....and not the way that other people around me sometimes suggest by calling, professing my love...etc..etc......i know that by doing no contact and fighting to not call or email her.....i am actually AM fighting for her and not giving up.....if i do the begging.....that would be giving up and i want her forever......i wont let myself give in....and neither should you two!!!!! good luck and god bless....

[luckystar]

p.s. i still feel like absolute sh!t though....lol.....(as tears roll down my cheek)

[lizzie]

I have tried no contact, half heartedly before. Remember, we've been broken up for a year, but he still keeps the contact. I think he may have a CP problem or insecurity - not good enough for me thus it couldn't last, because I really think he still has feelings. I finally got strong and won't play the game - I'm not going to be second fiddle and I'm not going to accept anything but a full blown relationship. I agree that no contact is the only way to go. I figure by the middle of the week he'll step up the contact attempts...and I only have to make it to the weekend as I'm leaving town for 2 weeks. It's great to have our little support group!

[getstrong]

Luckystar,

I agree no contact = fighting to get them back. For 6months I tried different strategies on making him realize I was the one, for example: acting like I was dating someone so he'd get jealous (he would), or even going as far as telling him I was over him (which I wasn't but he said he was broken hearted about). Each seemed like a good strategy but obviously I didn't succeed in bringing him back to me.

My lastest strategy was when I sat him down and told him how I felt about him and that he was hurting me by still seeing me along with his girlfriend at the same time. He said he agreed that I he knew I was hurting but was having a hard time not seeing me because he had feelings for me also. He said he would quit contacting me though and me him. It's been 11 days today. And you're right it is hard.

I hope you're feeling better today than on other days. I felt like you on your day 12 and 36 today, I almost gave in but didn't and WON'T!

Hang in there, hopefully by the time we realize it, we're over these people who don't seem to know what a good thing they're missing!

 

Lizzie,

Has he contacted you again since Friday? Did you end up talking to him? I'm hoping you stayed as strong as we can all be at these times. I agree I will not play 2nd fiddle to anyone and I expect a full blown relationship too. What's with just wanting to be friends? When I sat him down 11 days ago and told him how I felt, I asked him if his gf knew about me. He said, "No, no one knows about you".....which made me made feel even more like dirt. So what kind of friendship is that, when no one knows about me! He knew it hurt me and wanted to kick himself as soon as he said it. I have to face the truth though.....he fought for his gf back and that doesn't leave alot of room for me.

Remember we are doing the right thing with no contact.

If I don't hear from you, have fun on your trip and I hope you make it without talking to him.

Yes you're right it is nice to have this little support group, its helping me get through to better times ahead!

[lizzie]

Hey Getstrong,

 

How are you doing? Today was a really tough day for me - not sure why - I really miss him. No, he has not tried to contact me again since Friday. We have a year of history since the breakup and maybe he's just moving on. This is so unlike him. I also think it's going to be a hard week for me because it's valentines day next Sat. Knowing he has a girlfriend, I think a little of the friends thing might be good. I don't know. We really have not gone more than a week without him contacting me. By april we will have some unavoidable contact - think I should wait till then? He's been with the new girl for a year - I'm afraid that is getting too cozy. Can a rebound relationship last that long?

 

Lizzie

[getstrong]

Lizzie,

 

I had a hard day today too and I'm not sure why. I seemed to walk around in a daze like fog all day. I really miss him too.

This is so unlike mine too, we, since we've met, haven't gone more than a week without speaking to each other. Usually when we did see each other after that, we were rushing back into each others arms. I usually see him occasionally, he has friends in my neighborhood and I always end up running into him one way or another. But nothing now.

I'm starting to feel like he forgot about me but then I have to tell myself I highly doubt it.

Please don't do the friends thing with him.....you know you want more than that from him. What happens when you go back to being friends with him? Are you putting yourself in the same situation all over again? We are both doing so good but 11 days with no contact isn't long enough to make them realize how much they miss us and may have made a mistake. It's going to take some more time. Go away on your 2 wk thing and think things through before you make any rush decisions.

You say you have unavoidable contact with him in April? Then so be it because you are not initiating contact. Very possible you'll be over it by then or also very possible he'll realize when he sees you that he misses you. Not sure which way it will go, we'll have to wait it out and see.

Pls remember I am the new girl and mine went back to his ex. I know you are the ex and he is with the new girl. So take it from my situation, they DO go back (he went back to her after 5 months apart). He went back because she was distant and never tried to contact him. She basically went on with her life until she found out about us and wanted him back.

I know V-day is coming, I've thought about it too but its only 1 day long. Hang in there though and give it some more time.

[getstrong]

Ok so Lizzie or whoever is viewing this now,

He came by today and I answered the door! My car was in the driveway though so I felt silly not answering it. Plus I did want to see him.

 

I told him I was glad to hear that he was doing good, he said he wasn't though. Then when said that he was glad to hear that i was doing good and I said thanks. I was distant but nice. He gave some excuse to get close to me and he did the unthinkable, he leaned over and stole a kiss. I acted like yuck and real annoyed that he did that but of course I wasn't.

 

Is he honestly seeing her still? How can he be happy with his gf when he acts like this with me?

 

I still have not initiated any contact whatsoever.