Can't seem to find my footing

[Balbina]

These past couple of weeks have been incredibly taxing on me and I can't seem to get a grip on myself and my life.

 

Application deadlines are looming on me and it's like I'm STUCK, slowing inching towards the finish line. I want to go to school, but I need to pick up the pace if I want to get things done. I know what I have to do and I'm doing it, but I feel lost inside.

 

I've been feeling incredibly...just blah. I don't know how to describe it. It's like when I'm out in the world and interacting with strangers, it's ok. I don't feel like talking to any of my friends. I'm having trouble keeping my gym commitment, and I'm eating. Now, I've always had a problem with food (sweetness is my vice), but I eat when I'm not hungry. I eat for the sake of eating. Yesterday I threw up because I ate so much...I feel worse about myself, and I know it's health related, because when I stay on top of my fitness and diet I feel great, but it's like even though I know WHAT to do and I know I have to just DO IT to make all the negativity stop, I find myself stagnant.

 

I've just been feeling depressed and I don't know how to handle it because it came on all so suddenly, and usually my depression presents itself in other ways (panic attacks and shyness)...I can plaster on a smile and carry on and as soon as I'm alone it's like BAM.

 

Worst of all, I've been taking it out on my bf. I've been short with him, impatient and lashing out these past few weeks. I've calmed down a lot since Thanksgiving (this past weekend), when I blew up at him for being stressed for deciding to do dinner for everyone, and he wouldn't put up with it and left. Rightfully so. I apologized and we've been good since, but I've been feeling incredibly blah.

 

I don't jump him as much as I used to (and I used to a lot) and it's not because I feel any less for him because I love him but I've been feeling totally...nothing. I don't feel like initiating. I don't feel horny. Nadda.

 

Worst of all, I've been having these crazy dreams, where I cheat on him and I wake up feeling guilty and disgusted with my dream self, or he cheats on me. Last night I had this incredibly realistic dream and I woke up, in his arms, bawling my eyes out.

 

Obviously, I'm not on top of my game. I can tell as I write it that it sounds like depression, but I just need a hand. My therapist is not helpful at all..I don't see him regularly and I went a couple of weeks ago to talk and see if he could help and he pretty much escorted me out the door.

 

I just sometimes feel like all my "issues" overwhelm me...and I just can't seem to find my footing. I'm so composed, in control of my feelings and my mind, but it's like I can't get back on track. I'm holding myself back because I'm a coward.

[Bnit]

You seem to be very hard on yourself, but have you ever thought about looking into your past history with your family and siblings to see why you are the way you are? after all we are all a product of our environment.

[greensleeves]

My therapist is not helpful at all..I don't see him regularly and I went a couple of weeks ago to talk and see if he could help and he pretty much escorted me out the door.

 

Maybe it's time to look for another therapist...this one might not be a good fit for you. You had mentioned the application deadlines for school, are you absolutely decided on what you want to do? Maybe that's what's holding you back from moving forward, if you're having second thoughts on that it's bound to affect other areas of your life.

[Ellie2006]

Because it appears as though the pressures of incomplete applications are compounding your issues, I strongly suggest that you make a *realistic* schedule to get them done, in addition to seeking the help of a therapist.

 

I understand only too well how one may want to run away, hide, and confine oneself to solitude in this kind of situation. Work, obviously, will be the last thing on your mind at the moment BUT putting things off will only make things worse.

 

So plan to get one thing done per day -- divide by schools (e.g. Monday, you'll do school A, Tuesday, you'll do school B, etc) OR divide by document (e.g. Monday and Tuesday, you'll write out your sample cover letter, Wednesday and Thursday, you'll organize your statement of purpose, etc). The trick is to cut down the task into manageable chunks so that you wont feel so overwhelmed. Moreover, the sense of achievement every time you complete a task really does a LOT to keep the momentum going.

 

Good luck with everything.