I do NOT want to call her...but...

[Socalsteve]

It's been over a month since i have seen her. It has been over three weeks since we last spoke, yet i still miss this girl. No matter how much i keep reminding myself how she crushed me on Christmas and left me hanging on New Years, i can't seem to move on. I know this is for the best. We were not compatible and i needed to move on, but i just couldn't let go. My sensibillity says never call, but my heart says do it. Any advice? I feel like i have went this long i don't want to quit now. Help!

[Frodo Baggins]

Hmm, could you provide a bit of background info? We'd be able to help you better with some stuff that happened on those days. Thanks.

[Mysterio]

Never call them again. Keep things cool. Go out to a club with your buddies, date some more women to keep your mind off her. There's a lot more women in the world that you can meet.

[kuhl282000]

Hey Hurting brother

 

Let me see if I can be of some help.....go to the book store or online and purchase a book called love addictions (don't let the title scare you just buy it) by Susan Peabody. It will help you heal 10 times faster. Do not call her no matter what. It you do you will keep the wound open and it will take much longer to heal.

 

Kuhl

[disEnchantid]

you're right-you've come this far, why set yourself back now? That's all you will accomplish by calling her, you will set yourself back in the healing process. It may make you feel better momentarily, while you're on the phone and have that connection with her, but once the call is over you will go back to feeling badly, and maybe even more so depending on what she has to say. Be strong-don't call!! let yourself heal

 

-dE

[Tinkerbell]

Ouch...sounds like this girl really hurt you. What was the reason that she "left you hanging?" Did she meet someone else, or was it just a spur of the moment decision?

 

You say that you guys weren't compatible, so I don't think you should call her. I believe the reason that you miss her so much and are debating calling her is because you don't want to be alone. The idea frightens you so much you'd rather be with someone who you never got along with that well in the first place. Surround yourself with friends to help yourself through this tough time and you'll be fine.

[Socalsteve]

Christmas. She then ditched me on New Years after i purchased tix for the two of us, disaster. When i went to get my stuff a few days after we broke it off, she had a guys ring near her bed, along with photos that he had taken while on vacation. When i asked she said it was a friend, but i had never knew of her talking to anyone. The relationship was so intense that we really didn't talk to the opposite sex (which is sick). Either way she is gone and i am not so sure that is a bad thing. Am i wrong for missing such a dysfunctional relationship. Oh yea by the way she suffers from depression and is bi-polar. All of which i learned from her step mom, who told me, "you should change your number and run, i like you and you are to good for her". THis is coming from a step mom who raised her for 20 years??? Maybe i should quit searching for a reason why we broke up, maybe i should look at why i was with her at all?? Sorry for the rambling, i hope this all makes since. Nonetheless, thank you for all of the relpies and for taking time out of your day. Best to all.

[sidehop]

Let me see if I can be of some help.....go to the book store or online and purchase a book called love addictions (don't let the title scare you just buy it) by Susan Peabody.

Kuhl

 

I'm interested in this book also. Is this the same one you mentioned? I was searching link removed but came up with a lot of results:

 

link removed=1075341057/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-8989026-0839150?v=glance&s=books

 

BTW Steve, sorry to hear about your situation. She definitely doesn't sound like the girl for you but hang in there buddy. I can relate...I feel the same way right now but people on this forum are definitely helping me.

[cobro]

Hey there,

 

Don't call her. I too was in a relationship with someone who was imcompatible with me, she basically did the same thing your ex did. Shady stuff, and numerous other things. Read some of my 100 other posts if you want to know.

 

It sounds like you didn't have any closure, so you are left questioning why it ended. Don't worry about it, she is not worth worrying about. She sounds selfish and immature, I wouldn't keep contact with her. There are plenty of other girls out there who are trustworthy and worth your time.

 

I too am struggling getting over someone who was wrong for me. She gave me some closure, then jumped in the sack with someone else. Its normal what you are going through, pining over someone who was bad for you. Just think if we got back with our exes it would happen all over again, they don't change. Hope this helps.

 

cobro

[kungfumaster]

Yo Socalsteve and cobra - man - I hear you guys - I was in a relationship that wasn't good for me - 2 years, 3 months - she was incredibly beatiful - and I guess as time went on - I fell in love with her - despite the fact that the first 3 months - all the bad signs were there - by bad signs - I don't know - I just had a feeling - but now that its over - all I can think about now is that I should have let her go first - now - after 2 years together - she had dumped me.

 

She had alot of issues with her father - who was never there for her since she was 14 - I guess I kinda felt for her - one of the reasons I guess I fell in love with her - but, I should have known that alot of her father issues would be projected onto me - I know this in my head - but my heart would always say otherwise.

 

All I can think of now is why we love someone who we know is not good for us - for myself, I think it has to do with the fact that I feel good when I think I can "save" someone - or really help them - when really, its better just to help myself then to help someone else. No - I mean, I devoted so much of my energy towards helping her out, and being involved with her that I forgot about taking care of myself. I forgot who I was - all there was was the relationship - man, and when she broke up with me during Christmas (just a bit earlier than you Socalsteve) - I hit rock bottom - all my dreams and plans I had of us being together - fell down the tubes - and I basically couldn't even function - luckily - I had Christmas holidays to try to heal some - I'm glad for that actually - because right now, I'm back to work - but I'm only functioning 10% of what I can do normally - its just been such a blow to me - I am still thinking of her alot - its been about a month.

 

BUT, I CAN SAY FOR SURE - NO CONTACT IS A GREAT RULE. After Christmas holidays, she caught me online, and we talked on line for a bit - I was still vulnerable at that time - so I said I was surprised that she contacted me - and that I didn't know what to say - so I was about to say good bye, when she told me she still wanted to talk to me - so i asked her why - is it because she wanted to talk as friends or did she want to try working on our relationship - so she said she wanted to try again. So we agreed to go online to talk again two days later - but, GUESS WHAT - two days later, at the time we agreed to talk again - she is not there - typical. I should have known. The thing is Socalsteve - during Christmas holidays when I didn't have ANY contact with her - although painful - really did help me heal, and help me let go - BUT when she contacted me, it set me back to square 1 - I started hurting again like at the beginning when she first dumped with. SO DON'T CONTACT HER, AND DON'T LET HER CONTACT YOU. Change your number - your emails, etc. It will be hard - but it will be worth it - I swear - its been 2.5 weeks now since my set back - but I am gaining strength again - I never go online again, except to check my new email adresses. You have to keep no contact rule - until YOU feel you are strong enough to talk to her without getting all upset, and thinking you guys can get together again. I am not there yet - I have a long ways to go - but that's okay - it takes time. Especially for me since we were together 2 years and 3 months.

 

Good luck dudes. Have a good one 0X

[ViRA]

Having been doing the calling and seeing each other on occasion thing for over two months now I wish I had been strong enough to just break contact earlier.

 

I don't know you guys obviously and I don't know your situation entirely but from my experience so far everytime we get together or talk it just makes me feel worse, not better... Like a step backwards.

 

It sounds like you've been very strong so far so stick to it and you will get through it I'm sure. At least from what I've read people get through this stuff eventually.

 

Love IS an addiction and like any addiction, you have days you want to give up.. I envy you because you didn't wait two months like me to finally cut it off. Two months later I am still at square one.

 

- ViRA -

[cobro]

kungfumaster,

Our situations are so similar, especially with the father issues. Mine had them also, heck she had mother issues too. I too should have seen the signs after 3 months but I became infatuated with her, overlooking everything bad. I too wanted to help her out and see the good in her and be there for her, but obviously she had underlying issues with love. Maybe since her parents didn't know how to love, she didn't know how to love me, or even know what love is. I keep coming back to that conclusion. So you are not the only one. I say run, run far far away. Thats what I'm doing and not looking back.

 

ViRA,

 

It will get easier. The first few months are hard but it does get easier, you have to look out for yourself, she won't. Plus if you want to be with her you have a better chance if you make yourself scarce. Good luck, we are here for you.

[kungfumaster]

Yo cobra -

 

Thanks for letting me know that your ex was like mine - the fact that our situations are almost the same makes me feel that I am not alone - so thanks alot man. From the sounds of it, your ex had more issues than mine. I'm sorry man, but I know you will be stronger for it at the end - as I will be too - from your other posts in the other columns - it sounds like you are taking no more sh*t - that's ausome man - I am so happy for you. I hope that if she calls me, I will have the strength to not call her back, but at least I know she cannot reach me by email anymore. I am lucky so far - she hasn't tried to contact me by phone - I just need more time to gather more strength.

 

For me - I don't even want to know what my ex is doing anymore - if I found out she was with some other guy now - it would just kill me, let alone if I knew she was sleeping with someone else already. I am not a very strong person. So yes - cobra - you are right - I am going to try to run as far as I can - and try not to look back. I guess in these next months, if I look back, I will only try to remember the bad parts. This will help me get over her. I want to forgive her in the end though - that is my goal. Even now I guess, I still feel for her - because alot of it wasn't her fault - it was their parents fault because they did not love her as they should, so she is just trying to make up for it - so I guess its twice as hard for her as all us people who had love from our parents. But the thing is, this is exactly what got me in trouble in the first place - this feeling of "feeling sorry for her" - or the feeling of wanting to help her because she was so "disadvantaged". What is my problem? I think at the beginning when I was trying to help her, it was okay because I was still myself - I still had my own identity - I hung around with my guy friends alot, and did "my own things" - but at the end - her issues consumed me - and I stopped hanging out with my guy friends - and stopped doing "my own stuff" - I don't know.

 

I guess there's a big piece of the puzzle I hadn't told you guys about - I did move away from her for 3 months for a job I couldn't refuse - it was just too good to pass up - I guess the distance + our problems finally drove the nail in the coffin. I almost stayed for her, and turned down the job - looking back - I am glad I made the decision I did - because if I had stayed, and refused the job, and we broke up - I would have just killed myself for turning down an ausome job for her - and thereforeeee, would have lost everything - and I would have been in worst shape - I don't even want to think about it. But at least now, I am happy doing what I am doing at my new job - that's in fact, the only good thing I feel to come out of all of this - sad to say. Sorry guys I've talked so much -

 

 

VIRA - yes, I agree with cobra - don't call her, email her, answer he calls, etc - its going to be excruciatingly hard and painful, but trust us all - it will help you heal and move on (or if she does have very strong feelings for you, this will let her know you will be worth it to come back to if you yourself stay strong). Essentially, you cannot lose with no contact rule - because 1)if she is really breaking up with you, this will help you heal and let go and 2) if she is thinking of getting back with you, this tells her you are your own person, and strong enough to live without her, and that you have your own things going for you, not just her - and this is more attractive than someone who looks "addicted" to her - or "dependant" on her. HOWEVER, I must say something - there should be a clause to the no contact rule - the clause should be - if you feel VERY STRONGLY towards her (I mean, you think this is the one - the final one - the only one for you - the one who makes you a better person - etc) - and she say "she need some time to think, or needs space", then you should let her know that and make yourself open to her if she wants to contact you. Now I stress, this is the only time you should not use the no contact rule - BUT YOU YOURSELF HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS - is she REALLY THE ONE YOU WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH - you have to think about that seriously before you break the no contact rule. For me, I thought about it seriously - even during our relationship actually, and decided - no - she is not the one for me.

 

Good luck VIRA! Please keep posting - we are all here to help and share.

 

Have a good one dudes - keep strong - we're all worth it 0X

[ViRA]

Thank you all for your encouragement.. It does help me stay strong, and it does help me to keep going knowing that it does work for so many of you..

 

This is the hardest, most unbearable feeling I've ever felt and it helps to know there are others in the same boat that get through it. She wasn't my first love but the second, and the first didn't hurt this bad because I knew it was right ending.. I just can't say that about this one.. I felt, and feel like we were meant to be. That makes it so much harder.

 

Thank you all..

 

Day 3 and still strong.

[Socalsteve]

I am not sure what to say. Just when i assumed i would never hear from my ex again, she called on Friday morning. I just posted less than a week ago whether or not i should call her. Well i didn't know what to say so i hung up the phone. She then called back. "Uh..i found some more stuff and wanted to return it to you this weekend." So i thought wow, after a month of ZERO contact, this girl calls me up (still anger in her voice) and wants to return my stuff. This is minor stuff as well. like a hat and some cds. I already got all of my stuff back that was of any importance. The conversation turned sour within seconds. Saying she changed her number so i would not contact her. At the end, i finally said that i wished she would have threw the stuff away and never called me. WHile it hurt to say i know that i meant it. So now i am sitting mad, confused, angry, depressed. Who knows. I hope i did the right hting, i just am not in the mood to play games, especially with an ex that shut me out for over a month.

I need a beer. ha ha