Help!!! Should I try to start LC?

[Eirikr]

Hi all.

 

So, what I've been struggling with is if I should start LC even though I started NC three weeks ago. Normally I'd totally say stay NC, but my doubts fall about her. I feel she'd be afraid to start contact with me, since she knows she hurt me deeply by breaking up with me. I'm not thinking to make it constant LC, but rather something as once-a-month thing. That way I don't cut contact completely, coldly.

 

She's not experienced in this, so I bet she has no clue what to do... that is, if she do wishes to have me near...

 

That's the thing too. It might be a baaad choice of mine to start contact and it turns out things were better before I did. She did prefer to break up rather than taking a break, that she didn't love me the same way as the beginning (no one in a long relationship really does, and she wonders if its true, yet preferred not to try). It's because of her inexperience that I wonder.

 

I love her, and want her back. Should I make it a bit easier for her, since she's inexperienced? Or, should I stay in NC, forget about her (since she's not experienced enough to try to get together) and try to move on?

 

Please, give me advice!!

[Dani0613]

Hey there,

I'm sorry you're going thru this, been there! I'm actually STILL there. It's been 5 months since my girl and I split, and it's been 1 month that I've been NC. Today would have been our 2 year anniversary All I can say is this; STAY NC. It's only been 3 weeks for you. You still need time to heal over this break up and the amount of time you've devoted to NC is not nearly enough. Don't worry about your ex being 'inexperienced' with this. She's human and if she loves you and misses you, then you'll hear from her. I'm a firm believer in letting something go if you truly love it. Just hang in there and continue with NC. Give yourself 60 days. I know it seems like an insurmountable amount of time, but believe me, it helps!! After 60 days, re-evaluate how you're feeling and see if you even want to reach out to her after that time. Either you will have heard from her, or you will no longer feel the need to contact her. Use this time wisely and for yourself!

[Eirikr]

Thanks so much for the reply.

 

You're right. Even though technically it's been a month and a half since the break up, its been only 3 weeks of NC.

 

Thank you for the support. Hanging in there still!

[Eirikr]

Revisiting this because of how I feel today. Last night and this morning she was the last and first thing in my mind. I just don't know if she'd contact me. I feel she'd be scared to. She broke up with me with a bit of certainty though. We were past the honeymoon phase after almost a year together so she didn't feel the same way about me and decided that breaking up was best for us. I of course told her I didn't agree and thought that a year-long relationship is worth of working out. She wasn't sure, so I gave her space. I went NC for around a week and a half, and then I contacted her to ask her. She did say she thought it was best to break up. After telling her I needed to go NC to heal (but hoped in the future we could be friends), I said goodbye (and to my regret telling her how heartbroken I was). So, I don't know. I feel she misses me, yet either a) still thinks this is best for us or b) may be wondering if it was good choice, and how to approach me after hurting me so much. Sadly, my brain tells me option a is more likely, even though my heart clings to b.

 

At first I thought of doing NC for two months, then if she hadn't contacted me, I'd start contact to test the waters. If things remained the same, I'd start NC again, but this time for good.

 

Now I wonder if instead of two months it should be one month. Why? Well, I just know I'm not healing that much. I understand this "hope" of mine is holding me back from healing. Is it really normal to be struggling so much?

 

Broke up 41ish days ago, NC for 23 days now. Should I break the NC and kill the hope, hang in there and break it later, or keep trying to get past the hope?

 

EDIT: Just realized that if I want that option b to have more chances my best option is holding up for at least 2 months. Then again, I half feel it might be pointless, and just make the hurting last longer. I just don't know.

[Mayday11]

Just hang in there, man, you'll be okay. I know it rough and I know it doesn't seem like any progress is being made, but you're on the right track.

 

Look at this is a vacation from your breakup. Right now, you don't have to deal with the drama, you don't have to deal with your ex and you don't have to be 'in the thick of it'. Right now you should be focusing on what you want to do and trying your best to leave your ex out of your thoughts. The day will come when you can start thinking about whether or not you want to contact your ex and how to go about it, but that day isn't here, yet. In the meantime, try your best to enjoy this 'breakup vacation'.

[Eirikr]

Thank you for the post, May. I confess it has cheered me up a lot.

 

I want to hang in there. I'm trying. Fighting one day at a time

[martin6565]

Limited Contact...

 

You might want to talk to your ex ALL the time, you might want to see how they are, how they're doing, and it WILL temporarily satisfy your need for contact. However as time progresses and your ex's mind is still made up (on not wanting to get back with you right now) the LC will eat you away inside.

 

When you're talking to them, hearing their response the immediate moment is great- "YEAH we're talking", then she'll say something, and you'll read into too much, or she won't say something, and you'll read into it too much. The hours, days that go by after this contact keep your mind racing..."did i say/do the right thing?" "What should I have said?" and such.

 

I'd strongly recommend LC after she makes an effort to contact. I know it's tough, but i'm in your same situation, i go back and forth between LC and NC, but i ONLY do LC after she contacts me. If she does, make sure she is genuine. After all, she needs to be given the gift of missing you.

 

Let her have that gift for a little while.

[Eirikr]

Yes, I agree. I do hope she contacts me before two months. Then, if she hasn't, I can think over my situation, and decide what's best.

 

The doubt of how she feels nags me here and there. It's just the fact I stated "I need to go NC to forget you and heal, so don't contact me" that makes me wonder if she'll refrain from contacting out of fear to hurt me further, or thinking I don't want her or something.

 

I assume waiting two months and then contacting just once to get rid of the doubt might work. I don't know. Maybe when the two months pass I realize it's best to just move on. Being honest I feel I'm -half- moving on, since I keep thinking we can be together again.

 

Anyway, rule of thumb: when in doubt, remain NC.

 

Thinking LC might come after two months for just once, to test the waters, if she doesn't get to me first. After that, depending on the outcome of the LC, it's either keep LC to get back together or back to NC...

 

... but NC for good, until I don't love her.