shy girl, unknown relationship status (why won't *she* ask?)

[dockorama]

Another hopeless love story...

 

First, a little history: I am a 20 year old, college student. I've had two notable relationships in my life. The first was a 1 year off/on at age 14. The second was a 4+ year relationship that lasted from 16-20. This June I broke up with my girlfriend. She was great, we were great, but it was too much too soon. We agreed on this, talked/thought about it and made the right decision to part.

 

My first semester up at college I was leaving one of my classes and met the "shy girl" for the first time. We talked a little bit, rode the shuttle accross campus together. But that was it, I was in a relationship and ... end of story.

 

Fast forward 3 years...

 

During a hot July summer day, one month into bachelorhood, I was at the grocery store with some friends. As I walked down the isle I walked right past the "shy" girl... wow. She was stunning: 6' tall, slender build, shoulder-length brown hair w/ eyes to match. I caught her eye, but did not say anything. As I rounded the corner vanishing from her sight I went into a run to catch up with my buddies and told them she was in the store. I built up the courage to talk to her, but she had left the store.

 

A couple weeks later, after a long skate session at our skate-park, I roller-bladed downtown to a cafe and played hacky-sack with some random people outside. Out of nowhere she rode past on her bicycle. *pidder-padder* At the end of the week I was exploring some new places to shop downtown and found a natural food store. After visiting for a couple days, it came as a big surprise that she was an employee there! Ooo, cool. I talked with her for a little bit (on multiple occasions), about school, work, summer.. all that jazz. Officially, I had fallen for this girl (not anywhere to the degree I find myself in now, though).

 

One evening after work, I was pulling my car into the apartments driveway when my arms swung the car back into the road, muttering to myself, "have some balls, go ask this girl out." I headed out on the longest two block drive of my life.

 

I walked into the store, and did the usual. She was in back, making some kind of food. I said hi (as usual), asked what she was up to. I complimented her on her shoes (maroon low-top converse chucks). She turned sorta red, and looked away. I asked her, "hey, would you be interested in grabbing some coffee at urban sometime?" 'Urban' was a nickname for a cafe a couple blocks away. She replied, "you mean... like friends?" in which I replied, "of course, you seem really cool and I'd like to get to know you better." She said, "oh you seem really cool too, but.... [silence, looks away], [stares away, bites lip], I have.... you see.... I have this boy...." Sensing her uneasiness I cut her off, "oh I see, it's cool, don't worry about it. I'll just stop in and say Hi occasionally. I'll talk to you later." She said, "bye."

 

The rejection was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I grabbed my stuff and headed for the single checkout line up front. There were two older ladies in front of me doing their, what seemed as usual gossip. I waited patiently when I noticed "shy girl" walking up one of aisles. "Oh boy," I thought to myself, do I look at her? do I ignore her. As she kept walking, closer (what closer!?), and then closer (AHHH) she stopped in front of me and I looked up. She said, "hey, one of my friends is playing at the urban on Thursday, your welcome to come." I said, "Sure, that would be really cool." "See you then," she turned and walked back down the aisle.

 

Three days later, Thursday was upon me. As the clock reached for 7pm, I reached for the door. I was a half-hour early hanging out with some of the people I knew there. One guy happened to be living in the apartment right next to mine. We talked, and he invited me to his table, where a couple other friends sat. As we chatted, the live band started playing and it wasn't until 8pm that she actually showed up. At that time, the first band was done, and the second band was up. It was some guy, that she obviously knew (her friend). She didn't immediately come up and talk to me, because there were older people there picking her brain about this gent on stage. (at this point you should be thinking, boyfriend?).

 

She finally pulled a chair up to our table and said hi. Before I could respond, my fellow apartment renter bucked up and said, "heyyyyy!" I don't want to waste your time, or come off as a complete jerk, but this guy was such an a__hole. He completely overpowered the conversation, coming onto her in a creepish way that made me sick. Some appropriately call this scenario a "c__kblock." Follow me? Later, this guy finally left and I had a chance to talk to her alone. I asked her about the local music scene, and all that stuff. I decided that enough damage was done by that freak, so I excused myself and told her to have a fun night and I'd see her later. As much as that sounded like me being sorta rude, trust me it wasn't, I was all smiles

 

I later found out that this creepy guy knew her from the natural food store, and, "I wouldn't believe how many guys come onto her in that way." Sorry if that got a little confusing, there are two guys you should be aware of. The first was "the friend playing at the Urban." He just played guitar, no talky (possible boyfriend). The second guy, creepy apartment dude, was at the table with us, and serves no part in this story any more.

 

A week passed, maybe two, and I went shopping again. I said hi, blah, blah. Another week passed, it was Monday. I walked in, said hi, blah blah. Then added, "hey, I was curious if the email address listed for you on our universities website was accurate? You mind if I emailed you sometime?" She said, "oh yeah, sure! Here let me (washes hands) get you my other ones, and maybe you can message me sometime." She gave me a piece of paper with 2 addresses on it, one of which was her Yahoo! messenger. *score*

 

We exchanged a couple emails of random babbling, but she was never online via Yahoo!.

 

One night there was this show downtown and during intermission I went to the bathroom only to find her sitting on some stairs doing homework. While talking with her, this guy sat down, stared at her for a while while she talked to me. She didn't really look at him at all, just kept talking to me. He got up a couple minutes later and walked away. This guy that sat down was the same guy that played guitar at the Urban, this is the only guy I really don't know about... Might be her boyfriend. I had to get going and I told her, "hey when you get a chance, email me back again."

 

The next evening, Friday night I opened up my email and low-and-behold there was one from her. I read it and was super excited when she invited me to go rock climbing with her! About 5 minutes later, she messaged me. (I connect to the Yahoo! network through another program, which I later found out was half-broken and didn't show any people online from Yahoo!, even though they were online.) She asked, "you there?" I talked for a bit... it was fun.

 

That was about 2 months ago. Since then I've went rock climbing with her two other times, went to see a movie, hung out new years eve at my apartment alone, talked on the phone for hours at a time, go to yoga with her, hung out at her place a couple times. So what's wrong you ask? Everything....

 

I have fallen so hard for this girl it is unreal. She has single handedly turned me into a poet. Sometimes, the only way I can think about her is in rhyming verses of abstract thought. Day-dreaming about her is constant, eventually causing me to get a stomach ache. Again, so what's wrong?

 

This girl has definitely opened up since I first met her, but she is unwilling to make plans. She does not call me, but will return my phone calls no problem. I have had to initiate almost every kind of contact (except for the initial invite to go rock climbing). During one of our long conversations she told me some interesting facts: she didn't really have a real friend until she was 20 (she's 22), she prefers staying in and reading, she has great hesitancy making plans, she's an anxious person, she thinks everyone thinks of her as uncool.

 

On top of it all, I don't know her "status." I have not been able to muster the question of, "are you dating anyone?" She has guy friends, I have met some of them, very cool people! (maybe I'm just one of them). With my ex-girlfriend, she would always get hit-on by other guys, but the first 50 words out of her mouth would include, "my boyfriend." Why haven't I heard this from shy girl?

 

The funny thing is, which I will admit openly is this: If this "shy girl" was ANY other girl on the planet, I could easily get the hint that she was not interested. However, as you can see from my writing, this is no ordinary girl. She is logical, well spoken, and shy. We share similar technical/scientific majors (me: computer science, her: physics), and both love math. We respect each others professionalism immensely and are attracted to our "I look up to you" commonalities.

 

I have many other stories, and chapters worth of feelings for this woman. She has somehow become the single most largest distraction of my life. Here are my speculations. One, none, or some may be true.

 

* She likes me as a friend. End of story. Figuring the rest out is easy.

 

* She has a boyfriend, possibly an off/on relationship of moderate magnitude. She is not very close to him on a daily basis. She feels bad about making plans with me w/out some kind of excuse.

 

* She has no idea how to treat someone she has a crush on.

 

* She doesn't want a relationship right now.

 

* She's not attracted to men.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how to go about navigating this complicated path? I don't want to pigeonholed into a friendship. (I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world).

 

I would trade anything in the world to cuddle on the couch with this girl and watch a movie... Help.

[Frodo Baggins]

Hmm, from the selection, it may be either one, three, or four. I doubt she has a boyfriend, because, as you alluded to, she would have mentioned him by now. Hell, you'd have met him already, so I doubt she's had one. Chances are, she's had guys interested in her in the past and she was too shy to give them any further clues. With that being the case, you could maybe pursue carefully and see where she stands. You could outright ask her her status, if she has a boyfriend or not, which might be a move that'll answer many questions, as to where you yourself stand, if she has a boyfriend, if she's interested in you as a friend, or if she's not attracted to men. That's really one of those "moment of truth" situations where you're letting her know you're interested by basically asking her if you can go on, if you catch my meaning. From there, you can decide how to continue with her.

[QTpie87]

tell her how you feel.

[dockorama]

For any of you youngsters out there reading this, let me make something clear to you. In my experience having a serious relationship at such a young age, for such a long period of time has left me lacking certain skills. For instance, I find it very hard to flirt. I attribute this to having a steady relationship with a woman for 4 years when I should have been dating.

 

I am I alone when I feel that flirting will make me "creepy?"

 

Something I haven't learned until now is the ill effects of growing up in a family that was very open. We talked about sex, drugs and rock/roll at the dinner table with no sense of embarrassment. Wait, there was embarrassment, but it was within the love of family. Now that I'm out on my own at college, I have come to the realization that not everyone speaks about such things as openly. I have had to learn boundaries. As I write this it sounds so dumb... but, keep in mind that it was the subtleties that needed to be tweaked.

 

I ended up moving in with someone of the opposite sex when I was 19 and even though nothing bad came from it, I do regret it in some ways. Most of which, not being able to date "shy girl" when I first met her. I don't know if I've ever loved someone... but this "shy girl" would have to come closer than anything thus far.

[QTpie87]

okay so your not a teen, so what, everyone flirts it's totally okay, my mom is alomost 40 and she flirts her little bum off. well she is shy, okay, well im shy and i came to notice that when guys are out going with me and they don't act like im dumb when im not totally out going at first then im not as shy. just because she is shy doesn't mean she doesn't like out going guys. so just be yourself, be kind of melow with her at first, start to make jokes and bring up things that you like, she will come out of her shell sooner of later.

hope i helped.

love QTpie87

[dockorama]

I have no problem with it being socially acceptable. The problem is it makes me feel like someone I'm not.

[QTpie87]

why does it make you feel like that? do you act diff. or like someone you're not when you do that? just be yourself. if you are not that outgoing then don't be. really if she is going to like you then let her like you for who you are. im sure you are a great person. good luck.

[dockorama]

It (flirting) makes me feel like someone I'm not.

why does it make you feel like that? do you act diff. or like someone you're not when you do that?

 

I hold my uniqueness very close to heart. When flirting, I can't help but feel that I'm giving the wrong impression. The impression of, "hey look, I'm just another guy here looking to score. Giggidy, Giggidy, Gig-I-dy!" I don't really care for the idea of males being the hunter, having to catch women with their suave pickup lines. I want to be myself, but I guess learning how to comfortably flirt "my way" will just take time. I just don't want to muck things up with "shy girl."

[DeepBlueSea]

i know how you feel..

i am in a kind a similar situation ..

you can't explain how and where its going ...

[dockorama]

Oh my, starry eyed surprise!

 

So, I invite "shy girl" to a small battle of the bands concert, she tells me she has to work. Before the concert I stopped by her place of employment and said hi, and grabbed a bowl of soup. I said, "bummer you have to work." She replies, "eh, I would have just done homework anyways." Wow, I think to myself, how stinky.

 

So, the next night I was expected to be at the local YMCA for yoga (in presense of shy girl), but I was super tired from the previous night so I went to our school gym and went for a relaxing swim/diving session instead. I felt like I was missing out on something, but I thought to myself, "what comes around, goes around."

 

The next morning I found something in my INBOX... what could it be other than a nice email from her. Yes, her!!! She asked how my morning went and informed me of a rock climbing party tomorrow night. She wrote how she didn't know if she was going to go... so this was no invitation, just a "headsup." Of course I replied and told her how I was going climbing in the next couple days, and didn't have anyone to go with. I made sure to not include any invitations. The ball was in her court.

 

I got home from work and started reading a book. It was a book (about neurons/synapses) I borrowed from her. I then read this quote from the book from Bob Dylan, which reminded me even more of her. So I called her. I talked to her for a bit, and read her the quote (yes, from her own book). She then stumbled on some words, and got out the 'pinch-me' phrase, "what are you doing tomorrow night?" She told me about a couple things happening on campus. Then we started talking about climbing, and she said she wanted to go on Sunday. Then I brought up how I wanted to see "Big Fish" still, and she was like, "Oh yea!" Mmmmm, such a great night. She said she would call me, and I gave her my cell phone number.

 

The story. Goes on.