Please help emotional affair he won't break off friendship

[womanonapc]

I'm new here and looking for some feedback and support... please feel free to give advice if you can. My husband was having an emotional affair (I Guess) It involved his friends wife, all 3 claim to be best friends. They have been hanging out together for about a year but my husband and she developed feelings for eachother within the past few months. She started to fall for him but has placed it in a brother type love as she says and he fell hard for her. He said he loved her and wanted a sexual relationship as well. They mostly all 3 go drinking together and to Nascar races, etc. I'm not a drinker and prefer not to go because they are out to all hours. We have 2 kids a 16 year old girl and 14 year old boy. They have 2 girls a bit younger than mine. They would party about 3 nights aweek and most often would pass by our house after last call and continue on to their house and drink more and then proceed to spend the night because he was to wasted to come home. This happened alot. He began to talk about her alot Gail this and Gail that ... like Gail wears shoes like that or she has perfume like that. Then he called me by her name a few times and denied it. He even called and asked her and her girls to lunch one day while he was with his daughter and I. Her husband was working but he could get away with this because we have had dinners together out as families. He had to see her. Well one night I saw on his cell phone a text message that said Are you going out tonight? I love you.

I confronted him and he said you know I love my friends ...etc. Well he then admitted it and he felt terrible and cried and etc, etc. He was planning on talking to her about this the next evening and he did and then proceeded to party with her and her husband until 3 a.m. Imagine how I felt waiting to hear from him. When he came home we fought and he was rotten. They stopped it he said quickly and knew it was wrong and are now back to just being friends. He said in fact he can just turn this right off for her because he wants me. They want to all remain friends , he talks alot with her and can communicate with her. Her husband knows everything and he worked it out with my husband and want to remain friends after expressing how he feels. All good right? No... I'm still hurting . He didn't talk to me about any of this , I talked he answered. He didn't share his feelings or say he was sorry. He said he was sorry only when I asked why he has not told me so. He won't break it off with her even if just long enough for us to heal. He says he doesn't want to give up his friends and it's no big deal what happened and never really was. he doesn't hug me or kiss me or say I love you. He did before all the time. He said he's tired of feeling bad and will not discuss this no further. I don't talk with him about it much. We've taked a little each day. I've spoken to her with her at great length about 3 times. She keeps saying how very he loves and adores me. Says he always was yammering on about how wonderful I was. She said he admitted how awful he felt about himself because of this ordeal and how sorry he was to have hurt his family so bad. Also how he should own up to it. He didn't come to me with this. He complained alot about how I should be out with them but honestly I'm not doing it, if he wants to do things with me it's got to be other things and I will not go anywhere with them again because I can't bear the pain of seeing them together. They all understand. I should say that my husband has been loving and a good man but does have the tendency to be emotionally abusive due to his past. Also I gained alot of weight in the past 4 years after quitting smoking , he hated that. We have drifted apart quite a bit. He blame me not being out with him , I blame him being out too much and being so involved with them. Go figure. I don't know what to do. He says he may end up resenting me if I ask him to give his friends up and I feel what kind of man can't make a sacrafice for his own wife he supposedly loves so much. He says that it's silly of me to think that they are more important. She said she would stay away from him if it would help although she says it can only be friends of course, but he would be mad I know he would. I feel if they all stay close this could eventually happen again.What advice can anyone give? My heart is breakining. I know I sound like a fool, I certainlly feel like it. It's been 19 years together and 16 married.

Please help! Sorry to be so long.

[emmyspartan20]

this is what I think you should do: tell him its over. Scare the guy. He needs to be put in his place right now. Your relationship with him is very unstable and I would suggest leaving him right now. THis is happening to my sister except he cheated on her three times. She gave him three chances and now they're getting a divorce. THey have a 8 year old together, and I think she should have left him a while ago. I know you love him, but why love someone when you aren't the only thing on their mind and they don't love you with the same feelings back? Don't make someone a priority when you are only their option. Go to marriage consuling together if he doesn't think a seperation is in order. If he really loves you and he is just "stuck in a rut" then you can work it out. OTherwise, leave him. Save yourself and your children the heart ache.

[avman]

Hello womanonapc and welcome to eNotalone!

 

You have a very difficult situation. It wouldn't be easy to just give up on 16 years of marriage just like that. Plus you have the two kids to consider as well.

 

It sounds like you and your husband aren't communicating very well at all. Since you've already tried to express your feelings and concerns to him and it didn't go well, I suggest going to counseling as the next step. The two of you need to discuss this issue and come to some sort of understanding with each other.

 

Apparently something is missing in your relationship which is causing him to be looking for it elsewhere. That needs to be uncovered and dealt with otherwise this problem will just go on and on. Please note I am not defending his behavior. I'm just saying there is something going on at the core of all this.

 

Please do see a counselor together. Insist on it for the sake of your marriage. And see where that leads both of you.

 

avman

[RosiePosie]

I think that you do have a problem with what your man is doing and it sounds like he is not being honest with you...

 

But I think he also has a drinking/alcohol problem and until he gets help for that, he won't be able to fix the other problem...

 

I would tell him that he needs to seek help for his drinking and I would go to Al-Anon to get some advice on how to handle him...

 

Good Luck...

[babydee]

As a woman who has been in your shoes (except the woman he wouldn't break his relationship with was one of my best friends - huh! - course she was not married, so go figure), do what you can to shut that thang down!!! If you love your husband and want to salvage your marriage, do what you can to encourage him to leave her alone....girl, I could tell you some stuff!!! Don't let it get any further out of hand....if what he was doing with her (them) is OK, you wouldn't be feeling so bad.

 

One last thing...I have had to learn that you don't ask for betrayal. You didn't do anything to deserve it and you don't own it!!! Don't you forget that!!!

 

d