just need a little more advice

[Imconfused]

Ok I allready posted on this same topic, however just when I think I have this girl figured out she throws me a curve. I allready got some very insightful information, but some new things have come up and I want to make sure I dothings right.

 

This is just some basic background information, I will keep this as short as possible. I promise this will be the last time I post on this!!!

 

Ok I have been working at this one job for going on two years in March, and will be starting my third year in college. Anyway to get to the point:

When i first started at this job I was coming in from the end of my senior year, and the loss of my grandfather. So I wasn't very social with all of this. I'm a shy person, and I'm not really talkative in person unless i really know you. Other then that you won't get much back. Well the first week of this job I was introduced to all of the people in the store. Well one girl who was the most beatuiful person I ever saw, personality and she is very pretty. It didn't take longer then a New York min for me to be attracted to her. We got allong great I didn't know to much about her, but I never believed she was interested in me, or that I would ever have a chance with her, plus I found out she was dating soemone so I just kinda told myself to keep looking and that she was to good for me anyway.

So as time passed i was still attracted to her but never really gave it a thought and I did try to find other girls but I have a shyness factor so it dosen't help in the dating process.

Well she and I really became good co-workers, she and I would flirt, it all was harmless. As this past summer came one of the other girls who works with us, confonted me about the girl i like. So with a bad satment of denial she said she knew I liked this girl. So I ended up admitting that I did. She felt that the girl I like knew I liked her, and that for sometime during a rough periode with her boyfriend had a crush on me. But both of us have the same moral views so since she was seeing this kid still she never said anything. I have to admit that I kinda suspected something but I told myself she is seeing someone so forget about it. Which i tired. i took this lightly since then just about 7 of the 11 or so people that work there have firgured it out. But as far as I knwo nothing was ever said to this girl. At one point my best frind started to work there. Well this is when i became kinda of a jelous jerk. So i know there is a lot to take in but this is why. My grandmother had just died, and my survivng grandfather is now also has cancer. Plus I was in a leagl battle for my car which was almost destroyed. So wth all of this plus much more I wasn't a pleasent person. So the girl i like kinda of avoided me. I was very distant and upset with everything. Anyway when my friend started she and he really got along, and it seemed to me she was avoiding me. In stupidity I felt she was falling for him, and didn't have any interest in me anymore. So I got even more withdrawn and back away. Well after one really bad day I began to total ignor her, not even talking to her. I felt like a real jerk and I emailed her, after some emailing and talking we made up and everything since then has been cool.

So this leads us to the present (btw I'm sorry for all the speling errors but its 412am) My best frind and I have talked about what happened and he said that he notices she becomes shy and more "playfull" when I'm around and he thinks that its very possible she still likes me. So being me I'm keeping my distence and won't tell her beacuse she is still seeing someone. But what is becoming the problem is this since then more people have figured out I like her, so its safe to assume she knows. The last time I worked with her she and I had a good hour to our selfs to just talk. It was during the snow storm a few days ago here in the North East. So I desided to try and make some conversation. Well she opened up about herself like never before, she told me about her past somewhat and I saw her "true" personality coming threw. from what I saw she dosn't like her self, or think she is worth anything at all. We went out to start our cars so they would be warm for when we leave. I had my cd player on and as we were talking outside (I'm being completely honest about this too) I have a hearing probelm I lost about 50% of it so my radio is up, and in the cd player was U2s "With or Without you". I went over to clear my windows off and i was able to then hear it which ment she heard it the whole time so I quickly turned it off. In an email i sent her beacuse she dosn't feel that she is fun she sent me saying that she is basiclly a nobody. I have emailed her a few imes back and forth, she has been having problems with her boyfirend and i try and offer advice. I really enjoy her and if I ever had the chance and she was free I would take it. But shes not so i just leave it were we are at.

So to ask my question. basiclly more then half the people I work with now know how I feel torwds this girl. Now since its safe to assume she knows I feel its better that she assumes rather then definitly knows from someone saying something. but I know how well a secrit can be keeped by this many people, and my frined has told me that she questions him about me on certain things. So my question after this novel comes down to this should I just let her findout from someone or should I tell her myslef. And if I do just what do i say, she is still seeing someone and i don't expect her to feel the sameway, or say anything. I would stress that I don't expect her too act or say anything, but i like her a lot and enjoy talking to her so what happens if i say something to her and she feels unconfortable aroud me? If anyone is awake after tring to read this please let me know.

half the people i know say, say something, the other half either say don't say a word, and the rest just say she knows allready so don't woorie about it.

[Johnny_has]

Hey there pal,

I'm not going to bullcrap you here. I pretty much just skimmed through your post. But all I can say is this, if you know she's going out with a guy then DON'T bother with it right now. Trust me it's so not worth it. If she is single though then yeah, go for it, what have you got to lose other then not knowing how she really feels. This chick has some self esteem issues though. Maybe you could work through them with her, occasionally drop her hints, if she has something pretty on tell her!

[neallo82288]

I agree shower her with compliments and not meaningless ones but heartfelt ones. Make her realize how beautiful she is (both inside and outside) to you. Don't tell her how you feel about her just let her know that she is a wonderful person and give her some self confidence, which may work in your advantage because she is having troubles with the booyfriend. Confidence in herself might just give her what she needs to get away from him. Let her enjoy the time you spend with her at work and you will be rewarded either with a friendship like non other or with her in your arms. Continue talking to her about her and her feelings about life and you'll get to know her and she'll get to know you. Life is too short, just keep it as friends, until she drops the b/f. Find you an unattached girl. Everybody's dream is out there you just have to find it. This girl maay be your dream but she is off limits until she moves on from the b/f

[Imconfused]

This is all true, I wasn't sure if i should say anything, I know she has a lot on her mind, and knowing that I'm really interested in her is one less thing she needs to know right now. She really has low selfastem and if she needs someone to go to and talk nad if she is beginning to trust me then I don't want to mess that up by droping that. I'm just worried when its confirmed to her if she will pretened she dosen't know if I haven't confirmed it. Any completement I give her is true and isn't anything meaningless. I sent her a reply to her thinking she is a nobody and said she isn't allowed to ever think that again, and this and that. I did get one email from her which was unsually long. Usually its small and smothing quick. She told me about her karata test and told me how nervous she is. And how board she is waiting for school. So in a reply I sent her some "uplifting words" and told her if she wasn't doing aything if she just wanted to go hangout she could email or call me. But I never heard anything. But I work with her the next few days so I'll let the whole hanging out thing drop unless she brings it up.

 

Thanks again for the replys and insight,

sorry this and my first post are so long.

[ilinara]

I am not a person who finds it right to start something before the old relationship is over but since this goes on for so long and the other stuff that you stopped even talking to her a while ago and that she opened up pretty much that day etc. I would say don't assume and at the end you are the man. She could be thinking that you were interested in the past and not anymore. This U2 song is really no real sign for her. You could tell her that she means more to you than a friend but that you respect her current relationship. That she is more playful and shy when you are around is a very good sign that she is interested in you. Good Luck!

[Imconfused]

I agree that waiting and giving time if they broke up would be the kinda and thoughtfull approch, but like you said its been a long time. I just don't want to make her feel that she has to deal with one more thing, She has a lot going on thats the hard part. I have left hints here and there. I told her that she is never allowed to say or believe that she isn't speacial, and I satrted to list the reasons why. I've told her also that I really enjoy talking to her, she also sent and email saying I'm much more talkative then at work, I just said certain people make me feel nervous. She started teasing me about girls but my respose to her was that few people know who I like and left it at that. We have sent about 15 eamils back and forth since Christmas. My one firend looked at some, and he picked out every hint almost perfect, so I'm sure she did to. The song was really an accendent I didn't mean for that to happen, I really didn't. I thought I had my R.E.M. cd in the car, she told me she dosn't like U2 a little while ago so putting that in wasn't intentional.

The hard part is finding a place to talk work deffently isn't it the place. I have asked her a few times to go hangout, but if I ask in person she is kinda of evasive about it and says she isn't any fun. She does this to anyone at work, even the other girls. And when i asked her threw email i didn't get a response. I did make sure that it would be not just us two, it would be a few people to go and just have fun. but her resposnse is she dosn't really like to go out and that she isn't any fun when you do get one. Talking to her today I invited her, but she didn't say no, she said shes wired about goingout so i just droped it and figured I would try again at another time. I work with her all but one day next week so I'll see how it goes.

Thanks

[ilinara]

You have been friends for a long time now and anything that is not pretty much of a very clear sign will not make her understand if you are treating her like this because you have become a good and supporting friend meanwhile or because you want to become more than that.

About that she has problems with her boyfriend: It might be a hint to show you that he would leave him, if she would tell you I am happy with him, than it would be destroying something. Maybe she is leaving the door open this way.

About putting herself down: Ok, maybe she has self esteem issues but by telling you about it over and over she has found a way to let you tell her how much you appreciate her. Next time she does tell her more about how you feel for her and not just telling her that she should not think like that (any good friend would do that, you need to show her that you still are attracted to her). Some people do need to be in a partnership if they are happy or not and will not leave one before they have found another.

She is shy and you are shy and you became friends meanwhile. Both sides are afraid to destroy this friendship I guess, both sides are not sure if the other person is wanting more than just being friends. You are the man and you have to be the one who has to do the approach. Next time you feel resistance to any offer push it.

All the other things you told about her teasing you about girls etc. are all signs. If she would do this but wouldn't be more playful and shy when she is with you I would say maybe she just likes the attraction.

As you are friends now for such a long time and she knows you acting to her only like this how can she know if you are just being a good friend or more?

Invite her to hang out just the two of you and make clear it will be just the two of you. You have to be clear about that you want more. If she wouldn't want to go out she would say no. If she likes you this situation that is going on between the two of you is adding to her stress. If she doesn't like you... I don't think so. She might be afraid to destroy the friendship, so you would need to tell her that you like her since you first met her and you can tell her that if she doesn't want more you can tell her that it will be no problem for you (if it will not) that you still want to be a good firend to her but that you needed to talk about this because you want to move on if she is not interested. I hope this helps.

[Imconfused]

When she does talk about her boyfriend she never says if she is happy or not. One conversation, well it was the most recent anyway about this. Well it has somewhat of a back story so I will make it quick. Back when i first met her there was another kid, basiclly your run of the mill jerk who only wanted onething, I remember her telling me that she was never nor will be interested in this kid, so she told him no way. Well he came back again and something sisn't seem right, she was in a mood for a while. Anyway it turned out she said she would go hangout with this kid. I was really the wrong person to tell that to and i let her know about it. So anyway I findout that she never planed to ever talk to this kid. What happen was her boyfiend agreed to give a woman who he had dated sometime ago priviate karata lessons, so i think she did this to get him back. And somewhat before and now after she has been expressing some distrust about him. So being a friend I listen and offered my opion on what was going on, and my reaction was that her boyfriend didn't seem like the type to cheat, but she still wasn't happy. But she never has said anything good about him, at the same time she she never said anything bad about him, aside from simple arguments, but she has admited its becoming more regular.

i agree with you on the partnership thing, she really doesn't have much friends, really thereason why, which i found out from her, the group she was in was into drugs etc... but she really did clean herself up, you would never suspect her of anything like it. So she dumbed her so called friends. leaving her with really only her boyfriend. I did sayto her if she ever wants to hangout to just let me know, I know she won;t ask me, so like you said I should ask her. She did say joking to me does she have to bring her boyfriend. So I just said its up to her. And we satrted on another topic.

I believe no matter how it turns out I still wuld like to stay her friend if she dosn't have the same feelings for me. She is a fun person and is the typewhen you see her makes your day perfect no matter how bad it was.

 

Thanks, i will try again to see if she wants to just hangout, just her and me and see hwta happens. I just need to build up some way to keep an interesting conversation. I have trouble talking to her, I don't want to look like an idiot in front of her.

[Imconfused]

When she does talk about her boyfriend she never says if she is happy or not. One conversation, well it was the most recent anyway about this. Well it has somewhat of a back story so I will make it quick. Back when i first met her there was another kid, basiclly your run of the mill jerk who only wanted onething, I remember her telling me that she was never nor will be interested in this kid, so she told him no way. Well he came back again and something sisn't seem right, she was in a mood for a while. Anyway it turned out she said she would go hangout with this kid. I was really the wrong person to tell that to and i let her know about it. So anyway I findout that she never planed to ever talk to this kid. What happen was her boyfiend agreed to give a woman who he had dated sometime ago priviate karata lessons, so i think she did this to get him back. And somewhat before and now after she has been expressing some distrust about him. So being a friend I listen and offered my opion on what was going on, and my reaction was that her boyfriend didn't seem like the type to cheat, but she still wasn't happy. But she never has said anything good about him, at the same time she she never said anything bad about him, aside from simple arguments, but she has admited its becoming more regular.

i agree with you on the partnership thing, she really doesn't have much friends, really thereason why, which i found out from her, the group she was in was into drugs etc... but she really did clean herself up, you would never suspect her of anything like it. So she dumbed her so called friends. leaving her with really only her boyfriend. I did sayto her if she ever wants to hangout to just let me know, I know she won;t ask me, so like you said I should ask her. She did say joking to me does she have to bring her boyfriend. So I just said its up to her. And we satrted on another topic.

I believe no matter how it turns out I still wuld like to stay her friend if she dosn't have the same feelings for me. She is a fun person and is the typewhen you see her makes your day perfect no matter how bad it was.

 

Thanks, i will try again to see if she wants to just hangout, just her and me and see what happens. I just need to build up some way to keep an interesting conversation. I have trouble talking to her, I don't want to look like an idiot in front of her.

[ilinara]

Why do you tell her that she can bring her boyfriend? Why don't you make it clear to her that you want more than being friends? You give her hints that you want more and you do stuff that will make her understand that you are ok the way it is. If it will not bother you to keep being friends if she is not interested in you then you have nothing to lose by making clear to her what you want. I don't think she would quit your friendship if she is not interested in more. If she is not interested it will be enough to treat her as has been to keep the friendship up. She has never ever given you any signs that she is annoyed of your hints, from what you have written. She would be annoyed by it if she would not have interest, I believe (that is what I would do), to the opposite she is teasing you.

I came to one conclusion after all these years, if there is a chance you have to try, people regret more what they haven't done than what they have done. Years later when the feelings are gone and the vulnerability has past together with them, it will be much easier to understand what was really going on but you will not have the chance any more.

What are you afraid of? Disillusionment/rejection/losing a friend? Make clear to yourself what it is. If she is not interested you will go on with your life, most probably will not lose her as friend but will save your soul from becoming more and more afraid with every woman you meet. If you never understand what she really wanted how can you take a lesson out of this? It will cause a vicious circle of getting attracted to the same type of woman or if you have been hurt too much you will go to the opposite type of woman, but it will never be you choosing them, it will be your fears deciding for you. The brain works like this.

Go for it and at least with the next woman it will be easier to read the signs right. IHO

[Imconfused]

The reason I told her she can bring him was panic, thats usually what happens when I' around her. tongiht was great example she had asked my frined who was working with us to go do some stock and clean up. Well since i had free time I went ahead and did. She said thank you, and for whatvere reason I made a remark about it nothing bad but a bad joke, she looked at me and just said you should stop while your ahead. And my frined just looked and laughed after she left saying panic much?

I do it to often I'm not sure why I just do and drives me nuts. I was doing stock and was by myself for a little over 30min, and tried to think of something to say to her to get a conversation going I had a few ideas, but as soon as I saw her, they disapered and I couldn't think of anything. She is harder to talk to when there is a third person I noticed otherwise she is more serious, but if a thired person is around she is hard to talk to.

I am afraid of rejection but what I'm afarid of is basiclly this, to add some more excitment. Another girl who is 16 about four years younger then me has made it apperent she really likes me, I have no interest for many reasons. Anyway when she is working with me she goofs off, and talks to me and I just act as my normal self. But I get looks and smiles and here and there type things that make me feel unconfortable. I don't want to say to her if it ever comes up I don't like you that will make her feel bad. So my answer would be a rejection but sugar coated. I think thats what I'm afraid of doing to this girl that I like. And yes losing her as a fraind would be horriable. She never gave the impression that she was annoyed or bothered by my hints, she just acts herself. Tonight was one of those night were she came in a great mood, I didn't really get to talk to her much. Her bf called and they talked when she came back down from the office her mood wasn't bad but it changed, she was quiet and kind seemed to be wanted to be let alone. I tried to get her going a few times, but backed off. Then her boyfriend came in they talked but it was quiet, and she turned her back on him a few times. I really couldn't understand what was going on. They were quiet. As we left she usually says bye and waves, but she didn't she said something to her bf and then got in her car and drove off. Her boyfriend then pulled out right before my friend and I did, but she was allready gone. I eamiled her so I'm waiting for a response. I'm tring to find a good way to tell her how I feel but I don't now how or where.