Need suggestions for writing a letter of closure

[JSHRN]

Hi Everyone.

 

For those of you who know my situation, I've reached a point where she is really starting to annoy me. I've gone through the hurt and pain, the panic attacks, the sleepless nights, the vomiting, the loss of appetite, depression -- every emotion you can imagine. Still, she doesn't see where she is playing a game with my emotions. (As she said "I'm sorry you feel that way. No one is playing a game with you")! I'm baffled by her behavior. A mutual friend thinks maybe she truly doesn't know what she's doing or what she's done to our relationship. If we had remained just friends things would be okay. But, we crossed the line and "fell in love" (at least I did). Obviously, what she said to me were just words without meaning. Broken promises. Lies. Still, I haven't received one explanatio from her as to why she did this. Why she walked away. She's had more than enough chances to open up and explain herself. Do I feel I deserve an explanation? Yes I do. Do I think I'll get one? I don't know. Right now, instead of having a friend for life she was just a temporary girlfriend. She played me. And for what? Do you just walk into someone's life and tell them you love them and want to spend your life with them -- then just walk away? I never thought she (or anyone) could be that cold, but I guess I never really knew her. I loved her for who she pretended to be - not who she really is. Sure, people break up and make up everyday. But, like this? This is just totally unacceptable to me. The whole game thing. Who needs it?

 

Anyway, the purpose of this post is two-fold: First, to continue to help me in healing. Second, to help me put my thoughts on paper about what happened in this "relationship". I don't just want to write it - I want to send it to her. Maybe this is the wrong approach. Maybe I should just let things go. But, I feel this would help me in getting some closure with her. Since she doesn't have the courage or consideration to talk to me about what happened I want her to read it. Do I think she'll read it? Yes, I do. Crazy as it sounds, she still thinks she can just call me up and we can talk like we are the best of friends. If that was the case, why did she choose to get involved with me in the first place if she was only going to play a game?

 

Any thoughts on how I should compose the letter? I don't want it to be a malicious, hate-filled letter, but I want to get my point accross that she lost someone who would have given her the world. Mutual friends feel she made a very big mistake when she walked away from me and an even bigger mistake when she chose to make a game of it.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thank you all!

 

JSHRN

[avman]

I would go ahead and write the letter out. Put everything you need to in there. All the things that hurt you. All the questions that you have. But do it in a way that you do not BLAME her. Just put down what hurt you and why it hurt you. If you blame her, she will feel attacked. Then she will be compelled to either defend herself (attack you back) or withdraw from your attack (and so you receive no closure).

 

Good things "It hurt me when ", "I became angry when happened", "I felt like when happened"

 

Bad things "You always did ", "You never cared about me", "How could you do "

 

Make sense?

 

The other thing you need to be willing to do is to hear her side of things. Are you willing to do that? Because if she feels she is allowed to also release her hurts to you I think you are more likely to get a response. Once again, do not get angry or defensive. Just invite her to respond to you and to also release the things that hurt her. I'm sure there are some.

 

This may help you get the closure that you are looking for. But please be careful about what you say in the letter. No anger, no blame. Just put down your hurts. Hopefully she will feel ok enough to respond to that.

 

Good luck *crosses fingers*

 

avman

[Michael2]

Please write the letter. It will free of the some of the pain you are experience.

 

Avman makes a valid point, dont blame but show.

 

I have to disagree on one point, please do not mail the letter. I feel it will not make a difference with her. What I have learned is , that it is better for those who have hurt to realize on their own the pain they caused. It may not happen now, but one day it will.

 

For example, good friend of mine ex broke up with him to be with another guy. He was crushed, but slowly moved on. He stood his ground and was strong. He applied the no contact rule. 6 months later, his ex was begging for him to come back, she kept this up for the next year and a half. Can you imagine how good it must have felt for him to tell her to *beep* off.

 

They realize my friend, they truly do. BUt it is important that they learn it one their own.

[JSHRN]

A nice point Michael. I have thought about sending the letter vs not sending it. I'm still up in the air about it. The part that troubles me is that she "supposedly" loved me and wanted to travel with me. Now that is all shot down. I want her to know how much she hurt me. I want her to feel my pain. Maybe that's not fair of me, but darn it -- she burned me more than any woman ever has or ever could. I can't just let this go unnoticed. She needs to know what she did. If she won't talk to me and keeps avoiding the situation then I need to put it in words. This is part of my moving on from her.

[Michael2]

I definitely understand your frustration. I was there and in some ways still am. You want them to realize the devestation they caused, you want them to hurt the way you do. You want and need them to experience all the anxiety and hopelessness that they caused. I tried this. I attempted to this verbally with my ex, I even sent her letters explaining the pain she caused. But in the end , it didn't have the impact that it should have. They are in a different thought process then you and I, and there in lies the problem.

 

You must do what your heart tells you. But please sleep on it, maybe write the letter, then see how you feel. I bet you will feel heaps better, and who nows; maybe you will realize that it best if you do not send the letter.

 

I remember reading a post by another member. The overall jist of the post stated how her boyfriend at the time broke up with her. A few years went by and they started to contact eachother again. It turns out, even after they broke up ( her ex boyfriend dated another right after the breakup, just like our situation) he still thought of her, and realized he made a HUGE mistake. This was his doing, and he DID realize the pain he caused.

 

Best of luck!!!