Married to a man who seems to be asexual?

[beautyofthesea]

Hello to everyone on this forum and thanks for taking the time to read this and answer honestly. I maried last year, it was a quickie, didn't know him very well, but he seemed so perfect for me. I was sure to ask him about his sex drive as I have been married before. He said he had an average sex drive and that it was always his ex's problem not wanting sex. So I thought I could work on his self esteem, show him how he could please me sexually, and give him a lot of praise. I was very patient with him. But our sex life is almost non-existent. It is always me to initiate things. I asked him why, is he not attracted to me? doesn't he get sexual feelings for me when he sees me dressed sexy or in a sexy position, etc. He says he NEVER even thinks of sex and he has very little sex drive.

 

He is 10 years older than me, could this be the reason?

 

For me sex is a big part of a relationship. It is the combining of two souls, the sharing of pleasure to someone you love. I don't know what to do. Is anyone else married to someone who is asexual and what have they done to meet their needs?

 

[QTpie87]

how old is this guy? maybe you should sit down and tell him that you are concerned about your sex life. does he need viagra or something. is he gay? well i don't know. if you would like to talk about it then private message me and i'll get back to ya.

well good luck.

love Qtpie87

 

[Rainswept]

Hello and welcome to eNotalone

 

This is a rather odd situation, is your husband on any medications??

lots of medications these days mess with a mans sex drive, and Qtpie did make an interesting point....Does your man have a hard time getting erect?..this is can be a serious blow to the self esteem.....thus losing interest in sex...I would seriously talk to him, this seems to be an issue thats making you unhappy...Goodluck

 

Regards ~rainswept

[routerx]

I think you need to tell him your feelings. If he cares about you, he will want to please you physically. I mean, even if he didn't have intercourse, at the very least he could still please you. That is simple caring.

 

I would suggest first you ask him to at least hug and please your sexual desires. Even if he isn't horny, he could at least please you as you need.

 

I would suggest he make a doctors visit. How about viagra? That sounds like the miracle drug for many.

 

Regardless of what you do, just be honest. Don't bottle this up. You are 50% of the relationship and your desires should be honored.

[Gaeltick]

I knew someone with this problem years ago, back in my dating days. They were 17 years older than me. Impotence was more of a problem for him than me, actually I liked him for alot of reasons other than just sex. His ex was very damaging to his ego. After he relealized that I wouldn't pressure him, more than just his spirits began to rise. When we finally did get down to business there were no problems. We both relaxed, and got really intimate in other ways first. Once we finally started to do it, he was like, hey I'm not impotent anymore...I was like no $hit Sherlock.....we both laughed our socks off. The socks were all we had left on at the time.

 

I agree with the others, a full medical is needed.

[beautyofthesea]

Thanks to all who took the time to reply. Yes, rainswept, he does take blood pressure meds that could make him not interested in sex. Plus he has sexual dysfunction, can't stay hard and has a hard time getting hard. I have talked to him, and he knows the only part of our relationship that is truly disappointing for me is the sexual part. He has taken VIagra in the past, helped a little, but they are so expensive. He won't take the time to please me, always giving the same excuse that he is too tired. So I now try to interest him when he is not tired like when he first wakes up, or mid afternoon. I think I am to the point of giving up on him sexually. It is a shame because I really crave intimacy.

[MollyElise]

So the problem as I understand it is that your husband is not meeting your sexual needs. In your last post you mentioned wanting intimacy, their are other ways of becoming intimate with your partner. Emotionaly by talking, playing, and praying/meditating together. But also physically through nurturing, grooming and touching. Maybe exploring Kama Sutra would be beneficial, giving him a nice bath and massage, making food for him.

 

Good luck, and remember you are not alone!

[LilOne1607306978]

Um....VIAGRA

[Balthamos]

I think that it's quite possible that he just has a lower sex drive, which would probably be especially hurt by the blood pressure meds. It may be not be that he finds you unattractive, or even that he has erectile problems, but that for him sex isn't as necessary as it is to you. I never have never been in a sexual relationship, but that doesn't mean I don't love, I just love in a different way, and he may feel the same way. I definaltely think you need to let him know how serious of a problem this is for you, and see what happens.

 

PS: is there a substitute blood pressure med he could switch to with out sexual side effects?

[SoLoved]

My husband is considerably younger than I am and has little sex drive. We've tried testosterone replacement therapy and it had no effect. He doesn't need viagra because he can complete the act, he just isn't interested. As you can imagine this caused a lot of problems, until we understood that its normal for him. Once we accepted a lower (absent) libido as normal he could relax and our love life improved tremendously.

 

We don't make love often, maybe once a month, but since he doesn't feel pressured he enjoys the time and also enjoys pleasing me. I love him more than ever and he loves me. We are free to cuddle, kiss and even have light sex play without anything further beind expected. That let him stop worrying and feel more free to express love and tenderness toward me.

 

Communication saved our marriage. We learned to talk openly and honestly and listen with a loving heart. If I demand what he can't give it just makes us both miserable. So I take care of some of my orgasms myself and am able to share some with him. it's a solutions that works for us both.

 

If he has a dysfunction on top of all of it why not try experimenting with other things than intercourse? You two could have a lot of fun trying other things, toys and such. Check out link removed for some interesting toys.

[Ingrid]

He may have some kind of problem and you should certainly ask him what is going on. On the other hand, he may not have any sexual problems. If the two of you married fast, may be he did not get to know you very well and may be he realized you two are not really compatible. In that case, you better divorce and find someone more appropriate.

[littlelady148]

Sounds more like the "reason" is not his age and the problem is more about jumping into a marriage with someone you say you didnt know very well for one thing. Secondy I dont hear anything about marrying this guy because you loved him, his personality, his humor etc....all I hear is he was perfect for you and then you say "I thought I could work on his self esteem, show him how he could please me sexually, and give him a lot of praise. I was very patient with him.

I also wonder why he would get married to someone he hardly knows . Sounds like neither of you had sex before you married, and both came from marriages where sex was a problem because of the other person, supposedly. He said before you married that his sex drive was normal,but NOW he says he never thinks about sex and has very little sex drive. Maybe that is normal to him.... something getting to know each other a lot better might have revealed.

So many things going on here and possibilites and reasons for all your troubles in this marriage. First, I dont even know if you love this guy or if he loves you. Sex is a big part of things as you said, and it seems you didnt have it in your first marriage, so maybe you were looking for reassurance that your still attractive and sexy with this guy. Who knows, maybe this guy is not ASEXUAL but Homosexual and in denial so he gets married again thinking it he could get turned on and it would be different this time with you, but he has found it isnt and the desire for a woman is still not there. I dont know. Id say if you BOTH want this to work, seek some councelling. Some couples dont have sex due to a physical problem or something but they still love each other and things about each other. I just dont hear anything coming from you post that says you have much in common with this guy or ever did. Maybe you just didnt go into all that, but Im just not sure what you want here... some advice on how to get this guy hot? Sounds like youve tired it all. Maybe he would react more to cuddling, a thougtful gesture like bringing home cookies or something he conciders a treat, maybe a back rub, maybe just sitting and talking. Sometimes if a person has issues sexually, making sex and their performance the major concern you have, can make them feel even less interested and fearful of failure etc. COMMUNICATION is where its at. You did try to talk to him, but it was about YOU...didnt he find YOU sexy, didnt he get turned on by YOU etc. Maybe ask what he likes when he DOES have sex, what is it he doesnt like, did something happen perhaps to cause him to be turned off by the sexual act. Ask if he would like you to do anything like oral sex or using your hand and focus on what would make sex good to him..... ( for now) That might work..... if not and you cant get past this, get a divorce, but PLEASE dont rush into marriage next time